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I tensed as I anticipated where she was going with this. I hated the helpless feeling it caused me. Unconsciously, I leaned forward as if I could shield her from whatever was getting ready to happen. Or maybe I was begging her not to say the words.

She didn’t look at me as she spoke. “He slapped me hard across the face. I swear I think I even saw stars.”

My heart skipped a beat as I envisioned several victims that had crossed the emergency room doors while I was on duty. I thought I had been prepared for her statement, but her pain-filled words struck me harder than I imagined. “Jen, I . . . please tell me you left him at that point.”

A tear slid down her cheek. “You know how the rest of the story goes, Tyler. You’ve seen it before.”

I had. And I always wondered why a woman would put herself in that situation. I didn’t mean to judge; part of me simply didn’t understand. Of course, I’d studied about it in my psychology classes and had heard several reasons. But now, hearing Jen’s full story helped me see just how easy it was to have one’s emotions used against them. Abusers were master manipulators, finding or creating vulnerability, and then wielding it like a weapon. But it was still difficult to hear how this beautiful woman in front of me, the one who so fiercely defended and protected those she loved, had herself been a victim.

My fingers cupped her chin, and I used my thumb to gently wipe the tears that now flowed continuously down her cheeks. “Oh, Jen . . .”

She clutched my hand. “I was in such shock. Almost as soon it happened, he was on the floor at me feet, sobbing and begging me to forgive him. He said he’d had a bad day at work, and was just looking forward to coming home to me all day, knowing I would make it better, and how my not being there was such a huge disappointment. I admit, warning bells were going off in my head, but he seemed so sincere. He swore it would never happen again, and promised it was fine if I wanted to spend time with my friends.”

Her tear-filled eyes stared at mine as her words began to run together. Her hand grasped at my chest, clutching the material and twisting it. “Anyone can have a bad day, right? Say and do the wrong thing?” Her voice and eyes seemed to plead with me to understand. “God knows, I do it. Hell, you’ve been on the receiving end more than once, yet you’re still here with me.” Her chin lowered. “So, I forgave him. Stupid, huh?”

I pulled her swiftly onto my lap—blanket, glass, and all. I clutched her by the shoulders while she continued to stare at me. “You’re far from stupid, Jen. You just wanted to see the best in him, and he took advantage of it.” She started to shake her head, so I caught her chin with my fingers. “You understand you were a victim, right?”

She shook her head. “No, I was just dumb, Tyler.” Her shoulders completely slumped, and she fell forward on my chest, her glass caught between us. “I was raised to know better, and even Kayla, who believes the best in everybody, saw it. I was just too caught up in the fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing his behavior, but I wasn’t a victim. I chose to stay.”

I wrapped my arms around her and settled more comfortably on the couch. “We’re going to revisit that comment, trust me. But tell me the rest, first.” God knows how I kept my voice calm because I certainly wasn’t feeling that way. But if she could be strong enough to finally tell me, I could be nothing less for her.

Her head rested against my chest as she continued. “As an apology, he took me away for a week to the mountains. He said it would be good to get away from all the stress and people who were trying to convince us we weren’t right together. He rented a home that was beautiful. We had so much fun; it was like falling in love with him all over again. He brought me breakfast in bed and did all kinds of things for me. He said it was his way of trying to show me that he didn’t expect me to always wait on him hand and foot. Everything seemed to go back to normal. About a week after we came home from the mountains, he announced he’d accepted a new job a couple hours away. I didn’t want to move, but my place was with him now, and my relationship with my parents and friends had grown rocky. I was mad at them for not supporting me.

“I lost my cell phone while we were on vacation, and Mark promised to replace it, but in the meantime he gave me his phone to use. He said I should only use it in emergencies because it was a work phone, and he didn’t want to get in trouble for loaning it to me. We didn’t have a landline in our new home. I didn’t question it because I knew a lot of people who didn’t. We filled out cute change of address cards to mail to our friends. I didn’t question him when he had to use my car to get to work because he was in an accident. It left me stuck at home, but his car was totaled, and it was taking a long time for the insurance to go through the investigation.”

I couldn’t help the question that came to mind. “His car was totaled, but he wasn’t injured?”

Her face blanched. “Oh, God, see? It even makes you ask questions while I just took everything at face value. A ‘friend’ brought him home from the hospital because Mark said he didn’t want to inconvenience me. I was just so grateful he was okay, and he did have bruises on his face. Looking back, he answered my questions about the accident, but he was always vague. I just assumed he didn’t want to talk about it.” She looked at me. “But he should have, right? I mean, isn’t that what you do in a relationship? Share what you’re feeling, including your fears?”

Her words made me swallow hard; they hit just the right spot on my conscience because I knew she was right. And here she was, opening up her biggest fear. She thought I didn’t have any secrets . . . but I did. And soon she was going to have to learn them. But tonight was going to be about her. Just like in the ER, one trauma at a time.

“So there I was trapped in our house. Weeks passed, and I didn’t hear from any of my friends. I cried about it to Mark. He was so sympathetic but said they were just angry with me because I chose him over them. He convinced me that meant they weren’t really good friends to begin with, and that I had outgrown them since I was moving ahead with my life. It made sense to me, so I let my anger fester and quit trying to contact them.”

“And then one day, Kayla showed up at my door out of the blue. I almost didn’t let her in, but she was in tears asking how could I have moved and changed my phone numbers without telling her. I had no clue what she was talking about since we’d mailed the postcards. I asked her why she never returned my calls, but she said she hadn’t received any. I called her right then and there in front of her, and it came up as an unknown caller. Kayla said she usually ignored those because anyone she cared about was listed in her contacts. I guess I never left a message for her either because I was angry. It seems stupid, now. It didn’t take long to realize Mark had never mailed the address cards. Kayla explained that she’d gotten my new address from my parents and had come looking for me once before. Mark was smart enough to update my parents since I still talked to them, but we didn’t see them very often because of the new distance between us. He said he was too tired when he came home from work to go anywhere and insisted on doing things that were just the two of us on weekends. Anyway, Mark had been home when Kayla had come by the first time. I was taking a shower or something, and he told her I wasn’t home, but he’d have me call her once I got home. But he never told me, so of course I didn’t call her. Kayla refused to believe I’d just throw away so many years of friendship. She knew something wasn’t right so she came back another time, waiting until she saw Mark leave so she could confront me herself.”

Her eyelids were red, and her voice shook. “What kind of friend am I, Tyler? She was willing to keep coming back, to fight for me after I turned my back on her. I don’t deserve her.” Then suddenly she sat up with a gasp, her eyes opened wide. “And you’re the same way, aren’t you? You keep giving me chance after chance even after I’m rude, or I run out on you.”

Her hand came up and clasped my cheek, her eyes staring at me in wonderment. “I don’t deserve either of you, but I get why Kayla came back. You and I don’t have the same long history as Kayla and me, and let’s be honest; I haven’t been the easiest to get along with around you. So why, Tyler? ”

I grabbed her hand and kissed her palm, feeling a shiver run through her. She closed her fingers over her palm as if she could trap the kiss, before looking back at me. “I’m not sure I know how to describe it, Jen. I just know that whenever I’m around you, I feel more alive. Maybe it’s the way you aren’t afraid to challenge me on something instead of trying to like everything I do just to get my attention. Maybe it’s because I love how loyal and feisty you are. Maybe it’s the way I feel when you touch me, leaving me to crave more of you. Maybe it’s because I know we each have a past that we desperately wish we could change. Or maybe it’s because for the first time you make me want a different future than what I ever thought I could have.”

Her mouth fell open in a silent ‘oh.’ I shut it for her with a brief kiss. “But what I definitely know, sweetheart, is I’m anxious to figure it out . . . with you if you’ll let me.”

“Tyler, I . . .” She might not have the words to say, but I could see that my words got to her by the way her expression softened. She looked so sweet and vulnerable at that moment; I wanted just to absorb her into myself and keep her safe. My timing sucked, but her question evoked in me the need to give her an honest answer. I kissed the tip of her nose and played with a strand of her hair. “That’s a conversation for another time. I want to know what happened to Mark, and if you tell me you castrated him in some way, I promise I won’t judge.”

She shook her head. “You won’t like it,” she warned me.

Without a doubt, I knew that to be true. But her story helped to shape the woman she is now, and I wanted to know every chapter, including the ugly ones. “That may be true, but it’s a part of you, and I want to know everything about you.” I cupped her face in my hands. “No matter what it is, you can tell me.”

My protective instinct flared as she sought refuge in my arms. She curled into me and tucked her head under my chin. “I told Kayla I’d have to think about everything and that I’d call her in a couple days. I told her I thought I owed it to Mark to just not walk away. She got angry with me, but it had to be that way. I didn’t want to take any chances that Mark might find out she’d been there for her safety. I realized I didn’t know Mark anymore, had apparently never really known him. I couldn’t anticipate how he might react.

“I started packing a suitcase and gathering up things that were mine. It was then that I realized how little of me I had in this relationship. Every piece of furniture, almost all my clothes, all the decorations on the tables, the walls . . . all picked by him.”

She stopped speaking for long minutes, and her chest heaved sporadically along mine as she breathed.

“I never knew why, but for some reason Mark came home while I was still packing. It was like he had a sixth sense or something. He demanded to know what I was doing, so I confronted him about the address cards and hiding Kayla’s visit. He tried to make excuses, saying my friends were just jealous, and he was trying to give me some space from them, but this time I didn’t buy it. He grew angry when he saw I honestly meant to leave. He grabbed my arm when I tried to leave the bedroom.”

She pulled away, stood up and started rubbing her arm like she was reliving the moment again. “He ripped the suitcase from my hands and backed me against the bed. I tried to push him away. I really did.” Her blue eyes shimmered with tears as if I might not believe her. “But he was so much bigger than me. He . . . he hit me. Not slapped like the first time, but with a fist in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe. I remember trying to gasp for air and the helpless feeling when I couldn’t. I fell backward on the bed, and he fell on top of me. I remember feeling his spit as he yelled that I wasn’t going to leave him.” Her hand reached up as if she could still feel the spit on her cheek. “And he hit me again, this time across the face, and then I felt his hands around my throat. He swore he wouldn’t let me leave and that no one but him would ever have me.”