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Scarlett
“Iwanted to slap her. I did. I’m not proud of it, but I really did for a second.”
Cian yanks his shirt off and tosses it by the bed.
I fight a smile as he paces to the window.
“I know I shouldn’t say this—as an adult, a kid shouldn’t be able to get to me like this, but I swear to God, Scarlett, Leah Lawton is such a little bitch.”
“I know she seems that way. It’s not totally her fault,” I tell him.
He was his usual fun, happy self during dinner and clean-up but the minute Mariah left to study for her history test at Greta’s, he told mehisside of the confrontation between Mariah and Leah after school.
He isnothappy and seeing him so protective of my daughter has my heart—and my ovaries—all twisted up.
“I wish she would leave Mariah alone about church and youth group, but I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Leah,” I say. “She’s just trying to please her parents and her churchleaders. She is trying to be who she thinks she’s supposed to be. She’s trying to get their approval and their love.”
“Itisher fault,” Cian argues. He shoves a hand through his hair. “Every time she opens her mouth about this, she’s making a choice. I know she’s sixteen. I know she has a lot of people in her head influencing her. But this is as good a time as any to learn to mind her own business.”
I shake my head. “The church thinks everyone’s lives are their business.”
I’m in bed. In only a T-shirt and panties. Fresh out of the shower. He’s in his sweatpants, and no shirt. We have the house to ourselves. Ruby’s at work and Mariah is at Greta’s until eleven.
But even my panties-only attirein bedisn’t distracting him from today’s situation with Mariah and Leah.
Mariah told me everything. From the podcast to what Leah said to whatCiansaid.
I’d already heard the podcast. I’d listened twice, fast forwarding the second time through the parts about Abigail’s upcoming online gardening club meeting, Linnea and Jonah’s return to the island next week, and a new recipe that Lindsey had tried.
But I’d wanted to re-listen to the part about how Cian had introduced the woman he’s in love with to his family and how they all loved her.
Cian moves up the side of the bed. He sits down on the mattress next to me. “Ihatedseeing Mariah vulnerable like that. But she was tough. She was…sure of herself. That was amazing.”
I smile.
“Then she told me that she’s okay standing up for herself but that it’s really nice to have other people do it sometimes.” He shakes his head. “That really got to me.”
It gets to me too. I know she can handle herself, but should she have to? Really? All of this is because of me.
“How does ridiculing people and publicly pointing out their flaws—or their perceived flaws—win them over?” he asks. “How can that church actually think that’s an effective method of bringing people in?”
I drop my eyes to the duvet. “It doesn’t win people over. But it makes people afraid. No one wants to be the odd man out. No one wants to be painted as bad or wrong. So they fall into line.”
Cian is quiet for a long moment, then he reaches over and tips my chin up. “Tell me.”
Obviously, he can tell there’s a story here. But it’s not one I want him to know. It’s not one I’m proud of. “I know exactly what happened with Mariah and Leah. Even before Mariah told me. Because it’s what Hannah and I used to do.”
Cian’s expression is a combination of frustration and sympathy. “Fuck, Scarlett.”
I nod. “It’s terrible. It makes the person being pointed at feel awful and, supposedly, want to be embraced into the group. It makes the group feel superior and bonded because they're already “in”. But it's awful. And I hate that it happened to Mariah. And honestly, I hate that it's happening to Leah, too. Because she's being turned into a mean, manipulative person. And there is a very good chance that someday she is going to feel terrible about this. It's possible that she's going to carry guilt over this for years. If she doesn't, then she's going to be stuck with a group of people that never truly care about her or vice versa, but are together because they're stuck.” I sigh. “I hate the way Leah treats Mariah, but I feel bad for Leah too. I know Leah, because IwasLeah.”
He looks at me for a long moment. “You kill me a little bit every time you tell me about the church and your dad.”
I take a deep breath. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't be sorry. I want to know every part of you.” He leans in, bracing his hand on the mattress on the other side of my hip, caging me in. “Do you forgive yourself for all of that? Do you believe that you are a good person? That you've grown past all of that and that you don't need to beat yourself up about it anymore?”
Slowly, I nod my head. “Yes. Most days. Sometimes it still nags at me. But I think that I am a more empathetic person and that I can see past people’s meanness and mistakes more easily because of all of that. And maybe that's a good thing.”