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Lloyd and Tully’s gazes bounced between us like ping-pong balls. This wasn’t new to my best friend, but it was to Tully.

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Walden sighed.

My bones ached with fatigue. But I also wanted to fight. Maybe he hadn’t said it out loud, but he thought about it. They all had.

“In case you were worried, angel, I wasn’t high yesterday. Just fucking drunk.”

I struggled to fill my lungs past the pain in my chest. It didn’t matter if I was sober or strong when I walked into a room. My pack assessed me with a hint of fear, flared nostrils, and tightness that only abated when they knew I wasn’t high.

I was too scared to ask for help, knowing how much they hated me already.

How do you tell someone you’re so frightened of failure that you would give them all up for one more night on the glittery blue powder of SubduX?

Gods, I hated myself.

“SubduX?” Tully tilted her head and her naive tone deflated my bite.

SubduX was like being in a bubble. The user existed purely in the moment, like a blank slate. All the darkness of your past, all the terror of the future, disappeared like cotton candy melting on your tongue. It mimicked aspects of omega biology. Increased libido, pliant and calm demeanor.

The drug allowed me to access something I secretly dreamed about. To submit. Alien and opposite to my alpha instincts. Part of me hungered for it always, especially after I stopped playing the piano. It helped me forget about losing my greatest joy.

It felt so good to give it all up and feel nothing.

All my worries, tribulations and mistakes didn’t melt away, though. They appeared on the shoulders of my pack. Until they choked under the heavy burden. Me on SubduX was like living with a shadow.

My body couldn’t decide what it was anymore.

My alpha instincts exploded, making up for how they’d been twisted and suppressed. A rage that tore strips off the walls, shattered glass, and drove me to fight.

I couldn’t do it again. Our last public event had been my breaking point. The embarrassment of it lingered in my blood. Still, my mouth watered.

“I’ve been clean for three months,” I replied finally, sounding as tired as I felt.

“That’s amazing, Pan. You should be proud of yourself,” Tully praised.

Walden, Lloyd, and Ajax all made noises of agreement, and I whipped my head to stare at Walden. My heart ached. The drugs had been the catalyst to destroy our relationship. But even in their absence, we hadn’t recovered.

There was no one to blame for that but me.

“We’re so proud of Pan, I think his strength is amazing. Pan and I, we were—arelovers. My first love.”

Walden froze at the vulnerable confession, looking like he wanted to collect it and stuff it down inside of him again, where it belonged. I knew Walden loved me, desperately and dangerously. But he had never claimed me like this, publicly and in front of someone who wasn’t pack. I was too much of a liability. A rumble escaped me, a purr, and Walden’s eyes widened. His words soothed something deep inside me and brought joy, rather than clashing together in a violence like we normally did.

“Maybe one day he’ll feel comfortable saying it outside the house. If I can prove I’m not a train wreck, right, daddy?”

“We like to keep our relationships private,” Walden said.

Hewanted it private. I was too much of a wild card, a dramatic PR nightmare. It didn’t help his image to even have me in his pack, let alone admit we were in love. Walden dreamed about the pristine political career and I was a stain on him.

“You’re lucky to have each other.” Tully sounded wistful. “You all are.”

“This pack isn’t complete.” Lloyd jumped to reassure her, recognizing as I did that she misinterpreted our relationship as being closed.

“I would end up tearing Walden apart if it was just us,” I added.

“We’ve been waiting to find our missing piece. An omega,” Ajax added, bringing over a plate of food for Tully.

I didn’t miss the surreptitious sniff Ajax took of her scent. We shared a loaded look over her shoulder. We might bicker about most things, but not Tully.