Page 100 of Nitro

“I don’t want her here.”

“But you do want her.”

He’s silent, still refusing to meet my gaze.

“Why don’t you hold onto that? Ask her out or whatever. Find something else to live for other than revenge.”

“Did you give up on it?”

“No. I thought I did, but no. I still want to see Blackstone fucking fry.”

“Me too.”

“That won’t happen if you’re not around to see it. You can’t help us if you’re six feet under.”

“I guess not. But I couldn’t even do this right.” He raises his forearms, which are wrapped in bandages. “So, I don’t know how useful I’ll be. Maybe you’re better off without me.”

“Okay.” I rub my hand over my eye to try to get it to stop twitching. He’s seriously pissing me off, but I’m trying not to lose my shit about it. “I get the whole ‘poor me’ shit. I do. I was like that too for a long time. But that’s no way to live.”

“Do you know what I dream about at night?” A haunted look crosses his face. “I see that prick in every fucking nightmare.”

“I’ve got them too. So does Scar, Talon, and Reaper. We all have those wounds inside us.”

“They won’t ever heal. We’re always going to be slaves to the past.”

“No. I don’t believe that anymore. I used to, but now? Nope.”

“What changed?” He finally meets my eyes, and I feel the pain in his heart like it’s my own. I try to cover my gasp, but he sees it. “You felt that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“It gets so much worse. The drugs they gave me numb it a little. But it’s never gone. That torment never leaves me.”

“Maybe it won’t ever be completely gone, but it can get better. Since I’ve been with Holly, I don’t have those dreams anymore. The faceless monsters don’t terrorize me at night. When she’s by my side, I’m free from the memories that haunt me. I won’t lie to you and say it’s all puppies and cotton candy in my dreams, but it’s not nearly as horrifying.”

“I used to be able to float away.”

“Disassociate. Let’s call it what it is.”

“Whatever.”

“Did that change?”

“It doesn’t work as well, not since Blackstone won.”

“We’ll find another way to destroy him.”

“You’re going to get married and have a baby. That will take up all your time. Blackstone won’t be a priority anymore. And you know what? I don’t blame you. If you can move on, do it.”

“I’m not leaving what happened with Blackstone behind me. But you’re right. Holly and our son will take up all my attention for a while. But I’m not leaving the club. You’re my brothers. We’re united against Blackstone. We may have lost this battle, but I refuse to give up the war.”

“It’s just so exhausting. Didn’t you ever think about ending it all?”

“I did.” I rub my hand over my mouth. “I’ve never told anyone this, not even Holly. But when we were at Nina’s, after she invited us into the house, I almost did it. I nearly ended my life.”

“Shit. Really? When?”

“Around the holidays that first year. I couldn’t deal with it. Remember that hay loft in the barn?”