Page 17

Jaz laughs and picks up her glass. ‘Totally. See what you’re missing?’

‘I’m not missing anything.’ But as I say it an emptiness expands in my chest and I have the overwhelming sense that I am, in fact, missing something.

Jaz frowns and considers me a moment, no doubt picking up on the dip in my mood. She’s intuitive like that. Although she’s often brash and blunt, underneath is a soft centre filled with loyalty, and she just wants what’s best for me.

‘You know I love you and I’ll be there no matter what,’ she says. ‘It just makes me sad because I don’t think you’re right for each other, and inside there’ – she points to my heart – ‘I think you know that, too.’

But I don’t know that, not for certain. ‘Why aren’t we right?’ My words sound defensive when I meant for them to be curious. I change my tone. ‘Seriously, why aren’t we?’

Jaz shovels in more chips and narrows her eyes at me as she chews. She takes a sip of wine, calmly places her glass on the table and her mouth curves into a wicked grin. ‘Because she’s not her.’

I groan and roll my eyes. ‘You bangin’ on about that again?’

A group by the bar become animated and Jaz raises her voice. ‘Yeah, because you’re getting married when you don’t want to, and you’ve been in love with someone else for the past however long.’

I scrunch my face like it’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. ‘Haven’t.’

‘Have.’

I shake my head and drink.

‘Look me straight in the eye and tell me you haven’t thought more about that Australian bird now that you’re getting married.’

I dip a few chips into the sauce. ‘Haven’t thought about her in ages.’

‘You’re not looking at me.’

I jam them into my mouth and look her dead in the eyes.

‘Now say it.’

‘Eating,’ I mumble.

She slaps the table. ‘Ha. I fucking knew it.’

It’s pointless trying to get one past her. I give a defeatist shrug. ‘Course I’ve thought about her more. Getting married is scary, innit? It’s like, bringing shit up.’

‘You need to search for her harder online. Put your mind at ease. You’ll never settle until you know what happened to her.’

‘I’ve looked, mate. There are loads of Hollys in Melbourne and none I recognise. That’s even if she’s still in Melbourne, and I’ve no idea if I’d recognise her now anyway.’ But that isn’t entirely true because the vision of her has never left me. The Berlin summer sun highlighting the honey tones of her hair. Sharp blue-grey eyes, curious and intelligent. The tiny mole to the right of her nose. The freckle on her bottom lip. God, those lips – soft and sweet and delicious…

Jaz snaps her fingers in my face. ‘Hello,’ she singsongs. ‘Where have you gone?’

I blink. ‘Sorry. Just thinking.’

Jaz smiles slyly. ‘About Holly?’

I shrug and take the last mouthful of my pint.

Jaz swirls a chip around the sauce pot. ‘You think she’s looked for you?’

I frown. ‘Doubt it. Never told her much about myself and I gave her your last name. We had each other’s German phone numbers and that was it.’

Jaz shakes her head. ‘For someone so smart, you’re really fucking stupid sometimes.’

‘Give me a break. I was twenty and hadn’t felt anything like that before. Didn’t know how to handle it.’

‘You’re still fucking stupid when it comes to women.’