Page 60 of Matrix

“Sometimes.” I really don’t want to get into this with her.

“I used to have them until I figured out what was causing them. If I got too warm, I’d have one, which would force me to wake up. My body was trying to protect me from becoming overheated.”

“Sounds like it.”

“It’s not hot in here, so that couldn’t have caused this.”

“No.” I set the empty glass on the nightstand. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I rest my elbows on my knees and rub my forehead with my fingers. Tension headaches tend to sneak up on me. I have to calm down before I end up with another one.

Daisy gets on her knees behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders. Her hands are so warm and soothing. “Do you want to tell me about it? Sometimes that helps.”

“It won’t.”

“Matrix, I know something terrible happened to you a long time ago. I want to get to know you better, but I can’t do that if you keep shutting me out.”

“Daisy, you have no fucking idea what you’re asking me to do.” The muscles in my jaw twitch. I’m tempted to push her hands away, but they’re working magic on my knotted shoulders. I can’t bring myself to make her stop.

“You’re right. I don’t know anything because you won’t talk to me. If you’re afraid I’ll judge you, don’t worry about it. I’ve seen the worst of humanity. Anything you tell me won’t be shocking. I’ve witnessed horror beyond your wildest nightmares.”

“No dream could ever compare to the truth,” I say bitterly.

“Is it really that bad?”

“Yes.”

She sighs and pulls me back against her and into a warm embrace. I place my hands over hers and hold her too. She’s the balm I need right now. If she wants to offer comfort, then I’m going to take it. The alternative isn’t good. I’ve woken up from nightmares before and ended up in a dissociative state for days. This time, I didn’t, and I think it’s because of her.

“If you’re embarrassed or ashamed, don’t be. Whatever happened to you wasn’t your fault. I care about you a lot. Maybe too much.” She releases me and then slides over to sit beside me. When she slips her hand into mine, I instinctively squeeze hers. “I don’t know whatweare, but I’m sure we’re at least friends.”

“Do you sleep with all your pals?” I ask in a gruff tone.

“No. Don’t be a dick to me to cover up your pain. I won’t put up with it.”

“Sorry.” I hang my head.

“I know it’s not easy to talk about these things. I’ve seen plenty of kids take the stand to help put their abusers in jail. I know it’s rough. If you really don’t want to tell me, then I’ll respect your wishes.”

“Daisy, it’s so fucked up.”

“Did it happen after you left your last foster home? Or was the incident the reason you ran away?”

“After.”

“Someone else hurt you. A man?”

“Isn’t it always?”

“No. Some women are a thousand times more vicious than men. Those were the worst cases, mothers who tortured their children for their own perverse pleasure. I get sick just thinking about it.” She rubs her stomach.

“This will make you want to vomit.”

“I can take it, honey. I promise.”

“The last family I lived with treated me like a dog. They even made me eat on my hands and knees like a mutt.”

She shakes her head but doesn’t interrupt.

“Their house was close to a big park. Homeless people lived in it, so I figured I could stay there too. I found a bunch of trees all smashed together. They formed a canopy overhead, and a few bushes covered a little den in the ground. At first, I thought another animal lived in the hole, but it was empty. So, I decided to move into it.”