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He shrugs. “Kid Danger.”
I nod as if I have any idea who that is and turn back to the screen.
There’s no way I’m saying anything. I’ll have to tell Abi I tried, and would it be a lie? I’m here. I’m sitting next to him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. I’m surprised he isn’t telling me to fuck off. I’m the absolute last person he’d want—
“My dad’s a bad guy, isn’t he?”
I blink a few times and turn to Zeke. He isn’t looking at me, his eyes still glued to the TV. A tear leaks onto his cheek, and he quickly rubs it away.
I shrug and take a few moments to think of what to say.
“Sometimes,” I settle on.
Zeke nods like he knows what I mean, but I’m unsure if he does. I’m unsure Zeke has any clue who his father is.
“Sometimes I hear my parents yelling.” He takes a deep breath and turns to me. “I know he’s mean to my mom…”
I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t. He looks like he has more he wants to say, but his lip quivers and words don’t come out.
“It’s okay if you miss your dad, Zeke.”
He shakes his head and turns back to the screen. His arms wrap tightly around his knees and his shoulders sink like I’ve touched a nerve.
I sigh and rub my jaw. After years of not talking about my past, I’m about to talk about it to the second person in under two weeks. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this.
“I know how you feel.”
Zeke peeks up at me through his lashes.
I shrug. “My dad was sometimes a bad guy too. He hurt a lot of people, including my mom. I was mad at him, I’mstillmad at him, and sometimes I even think I hate him.”
“I’m mad at my dad too.”
“I know,” I give a small, encouraging smile. “And that’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s okay.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I wait a solid minute to give him the chance before I speak again.
“You know what, though? As much as I was mad at my dad, as much as I thought I hated him for being mean to my mom, I still wanted him to be proud of me. I still chose to go to his house on his weekends.”
“You did?”
I nod. “He was my dad… even though I knew he was a bad man, I still wanted him to love me. I never quit trying to get his attention, even when I became an adult.”
“He’s dead now,” I say, feeling the resentment harden me. “And I truly do think he was a bad man. I wish I wasn’t his son. But…” I take a breath as I remove my cufflinks. I hold them out to Zeke and drop them in his hands. “These were his, and I wear them every single day. They’re his family emblem… He’s a part of me, forever.”
I shrug like I’m not dying inside admitting this. “And that’s okay.”
Silence overtakes us again, and I let it. My chest hurts, and I have to force myself to breathe. I spend the silence hoping, praying, that this kid won’t grow up like me. Obsessed with vengeance, guarded, so emotionally repressed his chest hurts when he so much as speaks of the past. Of the reality of who he is.
It hits me like a ton of bricks that I mean what I say. My father is my father. I cannot change it. I can’t even hide it. I’m not him, but he will always be a piece of me. I’ll never escape it.
And it’s okay.
“My mom’s mad at me, isn’t she?”
“No,” I say without hesitation. “She’s mad at herself. She wishes she’d talked to you about all this.”
Zeke nods solemnly, and then more silence.