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Beloved wife and mother

“Lead with love.”

I ranmy thumb along the last line. “If you did anything, it was love, Mom,” I said softly. I hitched my jeans and sat in the grass beside her stone. I still remembered when the dirt was fresh and hilled over her casket.

But time had changed things, settling the slope, reclaiming the dirt with buffalo grass. She was as much a part of the earth as anything else.

“Maya’s starting third grade next week,” I whispered. “You would be so proud of her. She can swim across the pool and back now. She has the sass of a teenager, but she speaks her mind. And you should see the way she loves her puppy. Graham. I know she had to ask permission to have him, but no way could I ever turn her down.” I raked my hands through the grass, watching the green blades part around my fingers. “But that’s not really why I came here.”

I sighed, tilting my head back toward the cloudy blue sky. “I’ve got a lot of decisions in front of me. Ones I’m having a hard time making.”

Mom always used to tell me I had a lot of thoughts in my mind. She would get out Tupperware, which were really just used butter and sour cream containers, and tell me to put a worry in each one. So I tried to do that now and started with one worry at a time.

“Doctor Deb offered for me to buy her practice, and I’m worried I won’t be able to handle owning the practice and being the dad Maya deserves.”

I wished she could answer me, but I let my words hang in the silence instead.

But a big gust of wind came through, and a flower fell from the vase beside her headstone and landed on all of the items my family had left.

A soft smile befell my lips as I picked up the flower, uncovering the reminder. It wasn’t just me. We had a whole family that was here for each other always.

I could do this.

Tears streamed from my eyes as I realized Mom gave me the sign. That I wasn’t alone in this, no matter how much it felt that way sometimes.

“Thanks, Mom,” I said, my voice cracking.

I rubbed my face, pushing away the moisture.

“That last year before you... when you were still here... you told me you were proud of how good of a friend I was to Rhett’s little sister by letting her tag along. But I don’t know if I’m being a good friend anymore. I love her mom. But I can’t pursue anything without risking Maya’s nanny and Rhett’s friendship. And he needs me right now.”

I wished she could reply. Waited for a sign like the flower. Mom always had a way of giving the best advice. But there was no gust of wind. No flower to point me in the right direction.

“Mom, I need you,” I said.

Nothing. But I could close my eyes and imagine what she would say.

Life is too precious to wait.

Because even before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she knew time was better spent baking together in the kitchen than watching TV. She knew riding along with Dad to check cattle made him happy even if she got bored hearing him talk about cattle prices every day.

And she knew, when push came to shove, a true friend would understand. Forgive.

I lay on my back, allowing myself a moment to breathe.

To let myself be a son instead of a father.

But then I got up to drive home, because I knew... it could be gone all too soon.

37

Liv

Maya flicked through my closet as I finished putting in my earrings.

“You have to wear this one,” she said, pulling out a sparkly dress I hadn’t worn in years. It was fancier than my usual choices, but that was fine for tonight. Della and Henrietta were taking me out to the bar to get my mind off Fletcher.

These last few days had been hell, living in his house, smelling his cologne, seeing him love his daughter, and knowing that he wouldn’t risk loving me too.