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I didn’t love it—I loathed it.

Somehow, I blamed it for not giving me what I wanted. But at the same time, I held on to it like it was a tight crutch. Without it, I would be at home, worrying and thinking and breaking my heart every second about how, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get pregnant.

I wanted to share it with Lan, but a shameful part of me didn’t want to tell him.

I knew sometimes it takes years to fall pregnant naturally. But in the back of my mind, I wondered if that was the case for me. Because you can only get pregnant if your system works and mine seemed to have stopped completely.

Well, I would know today. I was finally going to see the doctor that Umi had suggested months ago. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I would have an answer.

“Gotta go now,” I murmured, slipping out of our warm fort before he could protest.

I heard him sigh loudly. His gaze was pinned on my every move like a security camera.

“I’m the fucking band member,” he shouted as I walked into the closet. “And I feel like you’re busier than me. How is that fair?”

Nothing is fair in life.

“That’s because I keep you boys in order,” I shouted back, picking up a matching Prada suit, navy Jimmy Choo pumps, and my La Perla underwear set.

Somewhere along the way, I’d thrown out my flowery sundresses and daisy dukes. It didn’t seem appropriate. It felt odd—Ifelt odd among the circle of vultures dressed in expensive clothes and polished jewels.

Maybe Lan appreciated me making an effort as his girlfriend.

I knew his family back home would’ve made him marry a nice boarding school girl with a college degree, impeccable fashion sense, clear skin, and perfect body if I hadn’t come along. Lan’s family loved me, but still this way, I wouldn’t feel like a stranger anymore whenever they invited me to Twin City. Not like they made me feel otherwise.

Lan reclined lazily, one hand behind his neck, when I stepped out of the closet. Desire ignited my core at his shirtless form with the sheets on his lap, a bit too low on his hips, showing off the delectable ‘V’ and his molten eyes. He was a vision.

But I averted my gaze and headed straight to the bathroom, locking the door to keep him out.

In a way, I couldn’t be in his presence any more than necessary.

It made me question and question whether he deserved me, whether I was doing it all right, or if I would mess it all up. The biggest and the loudest was how the voice inside my head called me out for my weakness in every intimate moment between us.

I spent an hour in the bathroom to don my perfectly pressed suit and carefully paint on my makeup, finishing it up with a few spritzes of my rose-scented perfume and a blue-red matte lip.The latter two being the only things that made me feel more like the girl I used to be.

Lan’s eyes snapped from his phone when I entered the room. He was still in the same position, so casual and cool as if he didn’t have a recording session with the biggest producer in the industry in just an hour.

Oh, what I would do to just rid all my layers and slip into the sheets with him and just have a lazy morning to ourselves. But that wasn’t a luxury I could afford. I had a front to maintain.

“Leaving?” Lan asked solemnly.

“Yes,” I said softer than I intended. I leaned over and gave him the quickest kiss on the cheek. Lan knew very well not to turn it into a full-blown make-out session and ruin my red lipstick. He learned that lesson a few weeks ago.

Sometimes it hurt to pretend the way I did. But I was doing this for him, forus.

“Eight, don’t forget,” he reminded me for what was probably the fiftieth time this week. Knowing Lan, he must have planned a special date. We hadn’t had a date in a long, long while, and I think he’d noticed.

“I know,” I whispered and kissed him one more time because I couldn’t help it.

Waving goodbye, I left for the day—a day that I would never forget for a long, long time.

“Please, take a seat, Ms. Evans.” The nurse ushered, pointing at the comfortable, plush seats opposite an immaculate desk. “Dr. Kenny will be with you in a minute.”

I nodded, taking the chair. My back was pin straight despite the soft cushions beckoning me to slouch comfortably. A few minutes stretched before the doors dashed open, and a tall woman in a doctor’s coat and shiny blond hair walked in.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” she said, lowering herself into the big leather chair opposite me.

“That’s okay,” I muttered.