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I didn’t lose anything today.

It was only a false alarm.

A false hope.

I was young and healthy. Lan was young and healthy. And we still had so much time in our future.

Just because I wasn’t pregnant now didn’t mean I couldn’t be.

Maybe I should throw away my birth control patches and try for real this time.

Because even if it was only momentary, last night was the happiest I’d felt in a while.

And I wanted that feeling back.

More than anything in the world.

CHAPTER 10

KATY

Age 20

I felt like I’d been living in a dark, desolate cloud recently.

Like nothing mattered, or just nothing made sense anymore.

It felt like a weird place to be.

It’d been six months since theRolling Stonesshoot, the day that collapsed the trajectory of my life.

Since then, I poured myself into my job extra hard. Threw away my birth control. Ate extra healthy and tried to fit in.

But nothing changed.

Nothing happened.

I didn’t get pregnant, nor did I get my period.

And it only made me go harder and harder, trying to find ways to distract myself from hopping into the bathroom at every break to pee on a stick.

Yet all the hundred tests told me the same thing.Negative.

It made me have a stupid urge to go back to Umi and get one of her faulty tests just so I could feel that hope and happiness again.

“Eight, baby, don’t forget,” Lan whispered against my jaw, jolting me to reality. “I wish I could just rob you for the entire day.”

It was early morning, and we were naked under the sheets. Lan had just made love to me but was still on top, kissing every inch of my face. I couldn’t even get myself into the moment because my mind kept being carried away by cruel thoughts.

“We can’t,” I answered him. “I have meetings and emails.”

“I thought you said you were going to quit,” he groaned. “That was six months ago.”

“Yeah.” I ran my fingers through his soft waves. “I just love this job more than I should.”

Lan’s narrowed eyes met mine. “You’ve never said that before.”

I shrugged.