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I fought my lust at every turn. When my hand almost reached for his skin, I balled my fists. When my eyes trailed the lines of his back, long and muscled, as he changed his shirt, I let myself look for too many moments before turning away and pinning my eyes shut. Toke almighty, he was gorgeous. His messy hair, his too-blue eyes, that stubbled jaw and every last inch of his golden body. Long, lean, begging me to touch it.

It wasnotbegging me to touch it.

Oh, how I scolded myself and my wayward thoughts. I did not want to kiss him again. Except that all I wanted to do was kiss him again. Hell, I realized with mortification, if I wasn’t careful, I’d consummate our union.

I groaned aloud with pent up frustration.

“Something wrong?” Roan asked from the door frame where he stood leaning against the stone like agod.

“No.”

“Anything I can help you with.”

“No,” I snapped.

“Fine, fine,” he said. “I just think that, whatever it is, I could maybe help you with it.”

Yeah, he could help me with it. He could help me right under the covers and into a heap of trouble with it.

I woke to tears streaming down my face and Roan’s words in my ears.

“Fen, wake up. Fen, you’re alright.”

But I wasn’t alright. Something was broken. I was losing myself. I felt it slipping away.

“Hey.”

I opened my eyes. He was in front of me, kneeling down, and he ran his fingers through my hair, gently pulling through the snarls. I held his gaze, gasping, trying to calm my racing heart.

I’d been dreaming about the gods. I worried they were both watching me, unhappy with my choices. I’d left to remove myself from the constant pull between Toke’s clan and Runehall’s, but what if I had earned myself the wrath of both gods instead? Runehall had been after me, and in fleeing I’d not only taken myself out from under Toke’s protection, but I’d earned myself another angry god.

I couldn’t help but think it was true, and it sent an unholy fear through me. Once, I’d loved the flash of lightning and crack of thunder; now, I flinched at the sound, sure Toke would strike me down.

What a coward I was. Never had I felt the absence of my god. I'd wondered and I'd doubted, but when I'd quieted myself, I'd always sensed him there with me.

Was it gone?

I felt lost. Runehall was coming for me, and, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t feel Toke at my back.

Had he truly abandoned me, or was I letting fear seep in where faith should be?

I didn’t know. I tried to shake the thoughts, but they stuck. I could ignore them during the day when the sun was up and my hands were busy, but I was at their mercy in the dark.

Roan searched my face, and his fingers sifted through my hair.

“What scares you?” he whispered.

I didn’t answer—couldn’t. Maybe he hadn’t been expecting one. He’d said it quietly, almost as if he’d been speaking to himself.

I shook it off—the dream, my fear. I pushed it all away and tried to right myself. I swallowed, took steadying breaths, blinked the daze from my eyes.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “I don’t even r-remember what the dream—what the dream was.”

Enough lies to choke on.

He didn’t look like he believed me, but he let me lie to him all the same.

Chapter Thirty-Four