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“Supposedly,” Jane says, her tone edged with caution. “That’s what Kelsey said, at least. This girlfriend of Becca’s...she found all these pictures of Kala that Becca still had and dumped them on the floor in front of the whole team. She sounds like a right piece of work. Somehow, the two of them kept dating after that, but it was really straining the team, and then...then one day, Becca was supposed to be alone studying, but the girlfriend caught her going somewhere with Kala.”

“Where?” I croak. I’m really shaking now. I have one arm wrapped around my stomach and the other braced against the table for support.

“That was...the problem,” Jane answers. She’s practically wincing as she says it. “Becca didn’t explain it or try to justify herself. She just said Kala needed her and that she wasn’t going to talk about it. The whole situation blew up. The team lost the ECULL qualifiers, and then a bunch of players left. It was a big deal. I still can’t believe we’ve never heard about any of it.”

“Seems like Becca’s been pretty good about keeping it quiet,” Iz says in a low voice.

Paulina elbows them. “Iz!”

“I’m sorry, but it’s true.” Iz looks at me with a pained expression. “We really care about you, Hope, and I hate thinking she kept this from you when you clearly care about her.”

“You guys kept this from me!” I can’t stop myself from shouting as the storm inside me explodes out into the room. “You were going to keep it from me for two whole days, or maybe even longer! You were just fine with me continuing along with Becca like an idiot for two days? You were fine knowing she was possibly lying to me? You were fine not doing anything about it? I mean, fuck, she asked me to meet Kala tomorrow, and I didn’t even know they dated until just now. You were really going to keep this from me? Why?”

“Hope.” Jane’s face has crumpled. She looks like she’s about to cry. “Hope, it wasn’t like that. We just wanted to let you have a nice weekend and then—”

“You think this is nice?” I hurl the words at all three of them. I’m out of control and I know it, but I can’t stop. “You think it’s nice to keep things from me so I can be happy and dumb? It’s not nice. You know how much that shit bothers me. You especially, Jane. You seriously listened to me cry to you on the phone all summer about Ethan doing exactly the same thing just to turn around and do this?”

It’s not a fair comparison. I know that as soon as I say it, but I can’t take it back. I’m too angry, so angry I can barely see. Everything is blurred. I don’t know if it’s from tears or fury, but I can’t see anything except the hazy outlines of the room around me as I leave the kitchen and stumble my way through the living room to get to the entryway.

“Hope, wait!”

Jane is the first to come after me. She catches my arm as I’m hunting around for my Keds. I shake her off and regret it as soon as I glance back to see the pain streaking her face. She really is crying now, but all I can do is turn away and keep chucking shoes aside to find mine.

It’s like someone else has taken over my body. I can sense my emotions, but I’m separate from them. They’re too much to take on. I don’t want to feel. I want to move.

“Where are you going?” she asks, her voice cracked.

I finally find the fucking Keds and stoop to pull them on. When I straighten up, Paulina and Iz are standing beside Jane, each with a hand on her shoulders as they watch me.

“I need to get out of here. I need to go see her. I need...I need to know what the fuck is going on.”

“Hope.” Jane lifts a hand like she wants to reach for me again, but she hesitates. “Hope, please. I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I really fucked up, but can we please talk about it instead? I’m worried about you.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I really can’t talk about it right now. I need to see her.”

“I’ll go with you. I don’t want you to be alone. We can—”

“Jane, no.”

A sob bursts out of her, and I force myself to take a shuddering breath. My hands are balled into fists at my sides. I’m furious, but she’s still my best friend.

“I need to do this, okay? We’ll talk after. I...I know you care about me.”

“I’m so sorry. I—”

I hold up a hand to stop her. That’s all I can take.

“I’m going now.”

Turning my back on them all, I step outside and pull the door shut behind me. I try my best not to slam it. The whole way up the street, I focus on the simple action of one foot in front of the other.

One step at a time. First thing’s first.

A steady rhythm. Something to count on, just like the thump of a lacrosse ball in my stick’s basket and the flick of my wrist as I cradle.

I can do this. Maybe no one else believes I can handle whatever is going on, but I know I can.

I can do anything.