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But it makes them happy, and maybe that’s what this year of ‘no ragrets’ is all about.

“Buckets all around!” I shout. The team cheers in agreement.

Maybe I could just be happy tonight. Maybe I could leave it all behind: Ethan, the breakup, my dyslexia-induced worries about the semester, and even the pressure to have a memorable year itself.

Maybe I could just drink beers with my teammates and have a good time.

“Ooooh, Cap’s looking good tonight!”

One of the girls sitting closest to the door draws all our attention with her shout. Becca and her two roommates are walking into the bar, unintentionally arranged like some sort of glamorous all-female pop star trio in their sparkly shorts.

Becca.

In sparkly booty shorts.

In red sparkly booty shorts.

Her legs go on for miles, all toned muscle and creamy skin. Her hair is down and a little wavier than normal, and somehow the black eyeliner that looks like it was smeared on her against her will by one of her roommates before they left the house has an effortlessly gorgeous effect.

Everything about her is a flashing danger sign.

“Hope?”

I rip my eyes away from Becca and turn to look at Jane beside me. Her head is tilted to the side as she squints at me.

“You good?”

I bob my head a few times.

Words. Use words. Convey that everything is fine.

It is fine. This is a fun night out with friends. I can handle a fun night out with friends.

“Fo sho, Jane of the jungle! Let’s get this party started!”

* * *

The party should really be ending. It’s sometime past midnight, and we got kicked out of Mario’s a while ago. A good chunk of the team went home after that, but the rest of us all stumbled our way back to the Babe Cave to keep things going here.

“Play some Lorde!” somebody shouts as the last notes of the Rihanna song blasting in the living room fade away. “Play Team!”

I join in the cheering that’s probably driving our neighbours nuts. If both properties on either side of us weren’t student houses too, I’m sure we would have been evicted a long time ago.

Paulina’s phone is hooked up to the speakers, and she shouts a few slurred commands for Siri to play the Lorde song that’s one of our team anthems before giving up and doing things manually. The dreamy, layered vocals of the intro fill the room. I lift my arms up and start to sway along with everyone else.

I’m at that point when the bright-eyed boldness of drinking a few too many beers has mellowed to a soft, warm glow. Everyone around me looks so beautiful as they start shifting their hips and shaking their heads when the beat drops. Someone is holding CJ Junior up in the air, thong and all, and my laugh gets drowned out by the music.

Even Becca looks free and happy as she grooves along beside Bailey and Rachelle across the room. Normally she doesn’t stay out this late at team parties, but tonight she’s shaking her hips with the best of them, and for the first time, the fact that she’s so stunning doesn’t fill me with panic or dread.

I just appreciate her for what she is: a gorgeous woman giving herself a chance to let go and be free, if only for the length of this song. It really hits me then—how tightly wound she is all the time, coiled up like a spring shoved inside a locked box. Immovable. Solid and still.

Everyone on the team seems to think that’s just who she is, but I see how much work she puts into tucking herself away. I see the change in her when that spring shifts and threatens to break loose.

I see it sometimes when she looks at me.

By the time the song ends, my throat is dry from singing along. I know I filled my water bottle at some point, but I’m pretty sure I left it sitting on my desk when I went up to my room to charge my phone.

I leave the crowd in the living room and head up the creaky stairs as another song starts blasting. My steps are a bit sluggish, but by now most of the alcohol has worn off. There’s a light on under the bathroom door, but the rest of the second floor is dark. I head into my room and turn my desk lamp on. The sounds of the party are a little muffled now. I pick up my water bottle and chug down a few swigs.