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I used my only sourceof distraction I knew. I showed Jameson the swollen funbags.

“Aiden, not so hard,”

Jameson eyes shot tomine. “You have to be fucking kidding me?”

I couldn’t offer himanything at that point, as nothing would have helped. Even the funbags weren’tholding his attention. I had nothing left.

Another fiveexcruciatingly long minutes later, the moaning and grunting reached a climax ofepic proportions. I was actually surprised at how loud they were—as wasJameson.

His hands were coveringhis ears, his head buried in my lap as he hummed loudly.

Another five minuteslater and at last, they were sound asleep. Jameson designated me with makingsure Emma was covered before we snuck out. She was, so we made a mad dash forthe hallway. We couldn’t go far, so we sat on the other side of the door,Jameson turned the spider on. “That was horrible.”

He was still cranky havingheard that. Setting the mechanical spider on the hardwood floor, helaidon his stomach and then cracked the door to see insidethe room. Getting the spider in the room was one thing; getting it on the bedwas a whole other feat.

Once again, I had to goback in there. Crawling on my hands and knees, attempting to ease Jameson’smood, I tossed the remote control spider on the bed.

“Did you turn it on?”he asked when I returned, panting. I was evidently extremely out of shape.

“Yes I turned it on.”Jameson lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe his forehead. “Stop that. You’redistracting me.”

“I do not fucking careat this point,” was his annoyed response.

You’d thinkhewas the hormonal pregnant bitch these days.

It took some time forthem to notice the spider. After all, they were asleep. Once they did...it was aclusterfuck.

Emma leapt off the bedscreaming from the room ranting about the biggest mother-loving spider she’dever seen. Aiden, not so manly, screamed like a four-year old little girl andall but climbed the wall to get away from it.

Jameson and I laughedso hard we couldn’t breathe, let alone stand on our own two feet.

We ruined the wholedamn thing but hearing Aiden scream like that was totally worth it.

Jameson pointed atAiden. “You...scream...fuck...”he couldn’t finish and crumbled to the ground laughing again. I joined him.

Emma was pissed whenshe realized the spider was actuallyfake.

“Jameson!” she screamedkicking him. “You better runfuckfacebecause when Icatch you, I will chop off your dick!”

Jimi and Nancy heardthe commotion going down on the second floor of their home and came up to see.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Nancysaid holding back her enraged daughter. “No one is cutting off any dickstonight.”

Jameson laughed againas a glaring Jimi kicked his leg.

“I don’t want to cleanup the blood. I’m tired and I’m pretty sure that would bleed a great deal.”Nancy finished, her rusty curls fell over her shoulder when she had to shag alunging Emma.

“He put a spider in mybed!” Emma complained.

Nancy, eyeing Jameson,seemed to consider her complaint for a brief moment. “How did he put a spiderin your bed?”

“I don’t know...it’sright there.” Shepointed to the crushed spider.

“That’s not a spider,that’s a toy.” Jimi huffed. Considering it was three in the morning, theyclearly were not pleased about being woken by this. “Stop acting like goddamnchildren and go to sleep!” he seethed stomping down the stairs.

“We should buy anotherhome.” Nancy followed. “They don’t seem to want to leave.”

“Fuck that.” Jimi slunghis arm around his wife. “We’re kicking the assholes out tomorrow.Too many assholes in one house.We need lessassholes.”