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“Why didn’t you saysomething earlier asshole?” she seethed fixing her hair. “That sheriff hatesme.”

“I tried.” I pointedout throwing my arms up in frustration as I proceeded to roll down my window.

“Well if it isn’t theNASCAR superstar himself,” he bellowed. “Shouldn’t you be racing?”

“Ah Taylor, I thoughtyou could use some entertainment for the afternoon.” I joked.

“Do you realize howfast you were going Riley? This isn’t the race track.”

You would think I wouldbe trying to distract him from the fact that I was moments ago franticallyzipping my pants and trying to get my pregnant fiancée’s mouth off me. But no,I wasn’t trying to do that when I stuttered out an “Uh.”

“Well let me jog yourmemory son, ninety, in a school zone.”

“I’m sorry Sheriff. Iwas distracted.”

For the love of idiocy,why can’t I think of anything remotely responsible to say?

He looked at me like Iwas stupid and then looked over at Sway who was still flushed and trying to fixher bra. At that point, Taylor looked between the two of us and comprehensionfinally flashed across his face at what exactly we had been doing to be goingninety miles an hour.

“I see.” He mutteredlooking again at Sway.

My head fell back infrustration. I wasn’t sure who was more mortified at that point. Me, who wasdesperatelypraying my camshaft to lose thelift. Sway, who wasbright red, and completely oblivious to the fact that her bra was stillshowing. Or Taylor, who was seventy years old and just caught two kids havingsex in a car, driving down the road at ninety in a school zone.

By the grace of god, Ican only assume, Taylor mumbled a “Slow Down,” and quickly returned to hiscruiser thankfully before Sway and I both burst out in uncontrollable laughter.

Once we slowly, and Imeanslowlyat twenty-five miles an hour, started driving home we made anew rule: No micro polishing in the car,everagain.

20.SplashN’ Go – Sway

Splash and Go – This isdescribed as a quick pit stop that involves nothing more than refueling therace car with the amount of fuel necessary to finish the race.

When Jameson wakes upin the mornings, his reaction is something similar to waking a bear from hibernation,the only difference being, he’s not in a cave. I also have a similar problemwhen he doesn’t get his way as he acts like a large toddler; the onlydifference is that he doesn’t cry, but the tantrum is the same.

Now imagine that whenhe’s woken up by Emma. Yeah, that would describe the events that took place themorning before he left. Aiden and I were moments away from killing them both. Idon’t know how Jimi and Nancy didn’t eat their young.

Before Jameson had toleave for Texas, Aiden flew in and Emma forced us to go to Babies-R-Us. Herreasoning was for one, I was running out of clothes that fit me, and two, ifthe baby came early—it would be a huge problem since we hadnothingforhim.

We drove to Babies-R-Usin Tacoma. Though I was still on bed rest, I convinced Dr. Sears to increase mytime among the living to three hours a day. I don’t know why that one hour wassuch a big deal to me, but you’d think I’d just won the lottery with theexcitement I put forth at the new freedom.

The other excitingevent that took place was me getting a new car.

We stopped off at aFord dealership. Jameson of course, had to sign some autographs since alongwith Simplex, they sponsored him too. He strode out of the dealership taking meby the hand and led me to the lot.

“Pick one.” He told mewith a bright smile.

“Huh?” I asked,confused.

“Pick one,” he motionedtoward the cars, still smiling with excitement at getting a new car. “I killedthe Red Dragon. Aiden killed the Subaru...picka new car.”

I hated the fact thathe was, once again, spending money on me, but when I stalled for time, hesimply said, “Honey, we’re not leaving this dealership until you pick a car.Hurry the fuck up.”

So I ended up pickingout a brand new black Ford Expedition that Jameson was also pleased with. Hesigned a shit load of paperwork, handed them his credit card, and then we leftin my new car.

Luckily with thesponsorship he got one hell of a deal on the truck or else I probably wouldn’thave been so partial to the idea. I spent the next twenty minutes opening everycompartment and clicking every button at least twice. Jameson just smiled.

I’d never had a new carbefore and the excitement was comparable to the excitement I imagined Tom Hanksfelt in the movieBigwhen he realized there were no parents to tell himto go to bed at night.

Emma and Aiden drove mydad’s Expedition, which made the entire trip much more pleasant. If I neverrode in a car with Emma again, it would be too soon.