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Why?

To me, it was rightingsomething that was wrong in the first place and leaving us to face the pastwhether it was right or wrong. It was evening the score.

Van was sitting with meas we watched the SPEED channel. They were currently talking about Jameson’sactions on the track earlier. Apparently, though we didn’t see it, he threw hishelmet at an official at one point this weekend. I wasn’t surprised by that.

Van seemed to sense myfrustration with Jameson and his recent temper tantrums.

“Ms. Sway, I think it’stime I told you aboutmypast.” He took a seat closer to my bed, pushinghis dark hair from his eyes. His elbows rested on his knees as he leanedforward.

I shifted as much as Icould to listen. Carefully, I examined his face. Not that I really looked atVan but it was easy to see when you looked at him that he kept his feelingshidden from the rest of the world. He and Jameson had a lot in common.

“You see,” Van began.“I know exactly how Jameson is feeling right now. I know what it’s like to feelcompletely out of control and reckless.” Van’s eyes fell to his hands. “Threemonths before my term ended I was in Beijing on a mission. When I returnedhome, it was late, maybe around one in the morning. My family and I were livingin Huntsville North Carolina at the time.” Van stopped drawing in a deepbreathe. His warm hazel eyes held mine as he spoke slowly. “I rememberunlocking the door, walking through the living room...down the hall...to find my wife and daughter. I heardnoises coming from the back bedroom so I made my way into that room. I’m notsure why, but as I walked in, my subconscious told me something was wrong.”

Van paused again, tearsstreamed down my cheeks now as I realized where this was going. “The man madeit out the window before I could get to him. I saw his face. I was too caughtup in trying to save my family to go after him.”

He was quiet, eyesdistant for a good two minutes before I finally asked, “Did they...?” my voice faded at the very thought helost his family so brutally.

Van shook his head witha light shrug.

“No...theydidn’t survive.” hiseyes narrowed and I understood completely why people found him scary. “Do youhave any idea what it’s like to watch your wife beg you to save your littlegirl, while they died in your arms?”

I shook my headcompletely losing it.

“So you see; I knowwhat Jameson is going through. I know what it’s like to want to kill someonewho puts your family in danger. Jameson haseveryright to feeleveryemotion he’s feeling. He may seem out of control and reckless as they say, buthe was every right to feel that way.”

“Did they ever find theman?”

“No...butI did.” A slow wickedformed. “Ms. Sway, there’s a reason why Phillip chose me as your bodyguard.” Helet out a deep menacing chuckle leaning back in the chair. His arms crossedover his chest.

Given my breakdown, ittook me some time to comprehend but the realization finally hit me with the wayhe said, “I did”.

“Van,” my eyes widened.“Holy shit, was that man Darrin?”

He didn’t answer rightaway but eventually he found his voice. “It took me a while to figure out whohe was, as I only got a glimpse of him. But when I hired a private investigatorwe did some research and it led back to Darrin Torres.” he looked up at meagain. “Did you know who Kasey O’Neil was?”

“Yeah, he was that kidthat was killed racing when the roll cage collapsed on him at a sprint carrace.”

“There’s a little moreto it than that. Darrin was racing in the USAC Silver Crown series about sevenyears ago with a driver named Kasey O’Neil, his father is Langley O’Neil, butmore importantly, Langley is my father in law. Kasey was my wife’s youngerbrother.” My eyes widened again. Shocked, alarmed,dumbfounded,all emotions I was having. “Anyways, Darrin had it out for Kasey and ended upwrecking him that night. Kasey died on the way to the hospital as you know.After that night, Langley threatened to sue Darrin for what he did. He believedthat Darrin wrecked him on purpose and tampered with the roll cage but no onehad any proof as the video really couldn’t prove anything. Darrin went after mywife when Langley threatened him.”

“Jesus Christ!” Igasped. “How come you never went to the police when you found out it was him?”

“Because just likeJameson, I felt prison was too easy. He’d get off on parole or something alongthose lines. I know the way the system works, max he’d get twenty years...it wasn’t good enough.”

I swallowed; my throatwas dry so I reached for my water beside the bed. “Were you there when Jamesonfound him?” Don’t think I didn’t see my opportunity to get answers because Idid. I knew Jameson would never tell me.

“I actually found himfor Jameson. Jimi called shortly after Jameson left the hospital. He was scaredas to where he went. It was the first I’d heard of the accident and thenPhillip called too. That’s when I went looking and found Darrin having a beer.I called Jameson. He and Spencer showed up shortly after that.” As I listenedto the events after my accident, I understood why Jameson reacted the way hedid. “I would have taken care of him right then but I knew what Jameson wasfeeling. Like I said, I know what it’s like to feel the out of control andreckless mindset. I didn’t care how it happened to him, I just wanted revengeand I got it.”

I didn’t feel the needfor him to elaborate on exactly what happened. I knew by the way he saidtookcare of itthat he took care of Darrin, which made me happy.

If only I could havecut off his penis before that happened.

“I’m glad that you twomade it through this.” Van’s voice was just above a whisper. “You don’t knowhow hard it is to go on without the other half of yourself. Eventually you giveup and become a distant version of yourself.”

It’s strange how eventhe strongest of us have scars from our past that we carry with us. The initialcut may have healed but the pain still lingers as a constant reminder of thewound that left its mark on you. You want to fix it, make it better, but sometimesyou just can’t.

We are all tattooedfrom head to toe with cracks, invisible bruises, scars, kisses; they all leavetheir mark in some way, good or bad and shrouded in nothing by shadows orlighted by the rays of the sun. Sometimes the consequences are too far belowthe surface for the eye to catch. And other times, they reveal themselves inways we never expected.

I watched as Vanexcused himself—feeling the pain for him having lost his entire family becauseof Darrin. I couldn’t understand how a man like Darrin had managed to escaperetribution for so long and how a woman like Mariah could stand by him knowinghe was a monster. Maybe she didn’t see it or maybe she was one too.