Page 8 of You Started It

CHAPTER EIGHT

Axel’s crumpled-up bike was still on display when I picked him up. I can’t help but wonder if he leaves it there to make me feel bad or to remind me how much I owe him. When I arrived, he basically ran into my car to avoid any conversations with his, according to him, “overbearing mother,” who waved pleasantly from the front door. We were running a bit late, so I didn’t have time to show him the contract, and the bus ride full of our classmates, including #bolivia, was definitely not the place to bust it out.

“Have you ever been here before?” Axel asks as the bus turns into the massive parking lot.

“No.” I shake my head and gawk out the window at all the colorful structures. “It’s on my Kill-It List though.”

“Kill-It List?”

I face him. “My list of goals. I told you about them. The tourist-trap dates.” My eyes dart to the back of the bus where Ben and Olivia are seated. I run my hands up and down my thighs. A little stimming never hurt anyone.

Axel shimmies himself closer. “What exactly is on this list?”

I sigh and sit back as the bus pulls up to the curb. “I wanted to go to an outdoor concert at Budweiser Stage and watch a hockey game at Scotiabank Arena. I wanted to kiss under the Rainbow Tunnel. Walk hand in hand at Ripley’s Aquarium. Pretend we were highbrow at the ROM. Face my claustrophobia and fear of elevators with Ben by my side, at the CN Tower. Most of all, I wanted to make memories.”

Axel studies me but the eye contact is too intense, so I look down at my intertwined fingers on my lap, sore from all the rubbing and squeezing. I guess I’m a bit more nervous about tonight than I thought.

The bus doors open and the aisle fills up quickly. I remain seated, grinding my teeth, frozen in place.

“Well,” Axel says as he rises, extending his hand. “Let’s go make some memories.”

I exhale and take his hand, not for show but because I want to. Because in this moment I want to make memories with Axel. It also strangely puts me at ease and stops me from walking around with two tightly clenched fists.

We head inside the park, and Ms. Weaver and Mr. Pine, a couple of teachers well past retirement age, remind us to meet by the fountains at 10:50 p.m. and not a second later. Axel lifts my wrist to read the time.

“That gives us five hours,” he says. “What do you want to do first?”

Ben and Olivia walk by. Ben offers me a polite nod and smile before Olivia guides him past the fountains and farther into the amusement park.

“Um…well…we, um, maybe we could…it’s unseasonably warm tonight, right?” I ask, fanning my hand in front of me.

“They’re gone,” Axel says, his tone a bit dry. “You can act like yourself again.”

“Sorry.” I shake it off. “It’s just weird, you know? To see them outside of school as a couple doing couple things.”

“I’m sure Ben thought the same thing about seeing you with me. It’s why he looked back at us before Olivia yanked him away.”

“You think?” I ask, hearing the desperation in my voice.

“I know.” He smiles and my shoulders lower, just ever so slightly. “Should we discreetly follow them?”

“No,” I say assertively. “Let’s film one of your dances, eat, film another dance, play a couple games…”

“Wasn’t the plan to make Ben jealous?” Axel asks, his brows pinched.

“It is, but he’s already seen us here together. I think a little distance will make it less obvious. I also really don’t want to see them right now,” I admit, studying the interlocked paving stones.

“Fair enough. Are you hungry already? We could eat first.”

I look down at my left hand, which is unconsciously rubbing my stomach.

“No.” I blush. “Just nervous butterflies.” A group of people run past us, shouting about the newest roller coaster.

“Planning on riding any coasters while we’re here?”

“Do you want to?” I ask. My heart is thumping faster and faster as this awkward interaction with Axel grows even more awkward.

“Only if you’ll go with me.”

“Why would anyone want to ride a roller coaster with me?” I ask.

“Because you’re smart, fun, easy to trigger. Need I go on?”

“Fun?” I feel my face scrunch up at the accusation.

“In your own way,” he says with a smile that reaches his eyes. The shrill squeals of riders as the roller coaster above us passes causes a chill to trickle up and down my spine.

“Let’s go to the kid’s section first,” he says, clearly reading the fear on my face. Axel takes my hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze. “We’ll ease you in with the less intimidating rides. Work our way up.”

“That’s a very sensical plan, Mr. Dahini.”

“Mr. Amil Dahini is my father.” He shivers. “What’s your dad’s name?” he asks as we begin walking.

“Ethan…Foster.”

“What’s he like?”

I blow air out of my mouth as I try to think of a suitable response. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, he’s almost become like a character in a book I read a long, long time ago. “You know how in every marriage there’s the fun parent and the serious parent? Dad was the fun parent.” I smile to myself. “He’s really into music. When he was in high school, he was in a band. He played guitar and was the lead singer. But he was also a really talented hockey player. And smart. And he gave the best hugs.”

“You speak pretty fondly of a guy who walked out three years ago and hasn’t visited since.”

My smile falls at Axel’s truth bomb.

“Sorry,” he says, probably sensing my discomfort. “I’m just surprised. I thought you’d be angrier.”

“I’m angry with my mother. She’s the reason he left.”

“I’m sure there’s more to it. More that you don’t know. Probably more than any one of you knows. Sometimes it takes people a while to figure their shit out.”

“Says the guy with the perfect home life.”

He shrugs. “Maybe on the outside. It’s like my parents have put me in this box, one I had no say in creating, and it’s a nice box, but it’s less nice because I’m being forced to stay inside it. For them. It’s all for them. They don’t really care about the things I love. The things I’m passionate about. They’re so focused on my future. They want me to be something bragworthy.”

“They’re not impressed by your large online following?” I smirk, already knowing the answer.

Axel shakes his head. “When my first TikTok blew up, back when I was with Finn and Diesel, I showed it to my parents. Mom liked it. My dad, not so much. Said if I put that energy into my studies, I’d be further along.”

“Maybe with time you’ll find a balance that you’ll all be okay with. But it is your life, Axel, and ultimately, you should do what makes you happy. Even if I tend to agree with your father about the prospects of a career in the arts.”

He laughs. “Come on. Planet Snoopy is around the corner.”

We arrive at the kids’ section of the park. The entrance is marked by a rainbow over a bridge with pastel-colored cobblestones. The park stays open until Halloween, and they’ve already started to decorate for fall and spooky season, even though it’s only September. But that’s life, right? Always ten steps ahead and never in the moment.

“This would be the perfect place to film a TikTok,” Axel says, arms outstretched under the Planet Snoopy sign. The park is closed off to the public tonight and open only to senior classes from all over the city, which means this part of the park is pretty quiet at the moment. “And there’s a rainbow,” he says, pointing up. “Is this where we have our first kiss?”

“No.” The answer comes out a bit more briskly than I’d intended. I clear my throat, my heart racing. I’ve only ever kissed Ben, and I only ever want to kiss Ben. I can hold Axel’s hand, touch his hair, even “dance” with him, but I am not sharing my lips with his.

“It was just a joke,” he says. “I know this isn’t the rainbow you were talking about, and I also know I’m not Ben.” He places his backpack on the ground and removes his hoodie to reveal a black T-shirt. Axel stretches his arms and then legs before opening his backpack.

“What’s that?” I ask as he pulls out a black rod.

“It’s a Steadicam. I stick my phone inside and you hold it up to film me. Makes the shot…steady.”

Axel sets it up and then shows me what to do. I didn’t realize how much work went into making one of his dance videos. With my mom, I just hold up her phone and press Record. He busts out a portable Bluetooth speaker and props it on the ledge of the bridge.

“Wait. Are you going to do this here ?” I ask as people walk past us.

“Yeah. That’s kind of the point.”

“But aren’t you afraid of people judging you? What if you screw up?”

“That’s what edits are for. Besides, people will judge you no matter what you do.” He smiles and little crinkles form around his eyes. “Plus, it’s a rush. And fun.”

“I guess we have different ideas of what equals fun. I’d sooner die than have to dance in front of an audience.”

Axel strolls over to me. “I think by the end of tonight, your idea of fun will change.”

“To be honest, it already kind of has since meeting you.” I glance up to find Axel’s eyes on mine. The intensity of his stare makes goosebumps break through my skin. He’s usually so goofy, but once in a while this other side of him comes through, and I haven’t quite figured out what to do with it. Backtracking, I laugh and say, “Running over bikes, pretending to make out in cars, cracking jokes about Ben’s terrible hair.”

“And we’re just getting started.” He tips his forehead to mine before sliding his feet backward as if he’s moonwalking. I think that’s the term. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about dancing and yet I somehow got roped into standing on the other side of this rainbow holding a Steadicam and waiting for Axel to perform despite other people existing around us. “Ignore everyone else. Just keep that camera focused on me.”

“How much do I film?”

“Just hit Record and I’ll take care of the rest. A lot gets done in post-production.”

He hits Play on his speaker and gets into place. “Baby” by Justin Bieber begins. Why he’s chosen a slightly immature, retro song is a mystery to me, but I do my job and hold up the phone.

Axel starts dancing like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He has this uncanny ability to move in a fluid motion along to music, as if he can feel it inside him. And it’s not just his body; his facial expressions are almost as big a part of it. God, even when I tap my feet along to the beat of a song, it feels forced. This is a real talent. He puffs out his chest a lot, in this sort of primal yet confident way. It’s definitely cocky. It’s also kind of hot.

A few people continue walking past, and a decent-sized crowd has formed behind me to watch his performance. For some odd reason, I feel proud. His dance makes people smile and encourages them to do their own (sometimes awful) standing-in-place dancing.

As the song comes to an end, Axel lifts his face to the camera, a bit breathy, and smiles widely. He nods for me to turn off the music and stop filming. People clap and begin to swarm around him, building a wall—a wall that I had finally started to let down.

Instead of going to him, like I want to, I gather his things and place them inside his backpack, waiting for his fan club to disperse. I prepare myself for the speech where Axel tells me he’s going to take off with some new friends and leave me behind.

Axel eases his way out of the crowd and comes to where I am, on the other side of the bridge.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Sorry, what?”

“To go on some rides.”

“But what about them?” I motion to the group of people under the rainbow. “Don’t you want to hang out with your groupies?”

“Nah.” He smiles. “You’re the only groupie I plan on hanging out with tonight.” Relief flows through me as Axel shoulders his backpack. I think about telling him that he doesn’t have to, that he’s free to do as he pleases. But I actually believe that he wants to hang out with me. We walk past the group and make our way into the kid’s section of the theme park—together.

After sharing a meal of chicken fingers and fries, Axel’s treat, he eases me in by riding the kiddie roller coaster three times. Once I’ve gotten used to the feeling of bars pressed down against my thighs, he suggests we try another lap-bar roller coaster—this time adult-sized. It’s kind of nice how he acknowledges my apprehensiveness about the chest bars because of my claustrophobia. I didn’t even have to say anything. He just gets it.

Aside from the chewed-up chicken fingers tumbling around my stomach, the two wooden roller coasters we ride are fun, if not a little frightening. He asks if I want to try any that loop and I suggest we play some games first—my treat. I win Axel a small Garfield stuffie that thankfully fits inside his backpack and we take a break with cherry ICEE’s while sitting on a grassy knoll, observing the people below us.

“You dance really well. I mean, I knew you could dance from your TikToks, but seeing it in person—the way you draw people in. It’s magical.”

Axel’s cheeks flush and he leans his shoulder into mine. “Aww shucks.”

“Maybe if your dad saw you perform in person, he’d get it. Your passion radiates, and it’s pretty contagious.”

He slurps his ICEE, then nods. “A passion that will get me nowhere in life, according to my dad.”

“What you have needs to be shared with others,” I say with a bit more gusto than I’d intended. “It’s special. You even managed to change my mind and I bet your dad isn’t nearly as tough a critic as I am.”

“Maybe one day,” he says, his brown eyes shimmering in the night. “It’s getting late and we still have to film the second dance. What do you say we try Dragon Fyre? It’s pretty tame but it has a couple loops.”

“Sure. But if I barf my ICEE all over you, I’m not buying you a new shirt. I’m already in the hole two hundred and twenty-five dollars for Betty White.”

“Ahh, sweet Betty. How many books did you buy this week on your book ban?” he asks with a grin.

“Only two. I’m getting better.” No need to mention one of them was a special edition with stenciled and sprayed edges and that the only reason I didn’t buy more was because I had to buy an outfit for this “date.”

Axel helps me up and because of the uneven ground, holds onto both my arms to steady me. It’s dark and there’s music playing in far-off speakers and riders screaming in the background. A cool, brisk wind passes between us, but all I can feel are Axel’s fingers gripping my arms. I wish I could freeze this moment. Study him a bit longer. Figure out why I sometimes feel so drawn to him while other times all I can think about is Ben.

I shiver as another cool breeze passes.

“Here,” he says. I watch his fingers move up my cardigan as he delicately secures each button. When he reaches the last one, he leaves it open and then rubs my arms up and down to warm me up. “Better?”

“Better.” I smile.

The lines so far tonight have moved quickly, but I guess since Dragon Fyre is close to the exit people are trying to squeeze one last ride in before departing. It’s finally almost our turn, and that’s when I notice Ben and Olivia two rows over.

“Ben and Olivia are synced up to ride the same time as us,” I say quietly.

“I see that,” Axel says, glancing over my shoulder.

“We haven’t done the best job at rubbing our relationship in his face tonight. I haven’t gotten a chance to speak to Ben yet or show off how great I look.”

Axel laughs. “You do look great. But you always look great,” he says with one of his signature flirtatious smiles I know he shells out easily. “I’ve got an idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Um, kind of?”

“Better than what I thought you’d say.” He chuckles.

When the metal gate squeals open, signaling our turn to get on the ride, Axel tosses his bag to the other side before cutting off Ben and slipping in beside Olivia.

“Sorry,” he says, looking up at a confused Ben. “This seat’s taken. There’s a free spot next to Jamie.”

Ben stands there, at a loss for words. Not one to draw attention to himself in a public place, Ben sits in the empty seat next to me and pulls the bars over his head. Olivia glances back at us, peeved. Or maybe that’s just her face.

“Did you put him up to this?” Ben asks.

“No. He just thinks he’s being funny, I guess.”

Ben lets out a small smile. “So, you’re really going to do this?”

“Yeah.” I wiggle a bit in my seat. “I went on two roller coasters already. This will be my third. Axel really pushes me outside my comfort zone, but not in an aggressive way,” I backtrack. Come to think of it, I haven’t had any stomachaches tonight and my palms aren’t aching with fingernail indentations. But Ben’s face falls slightly at my admission. “This is my first roller coaster with loops though.”

The dimple on his left cheek appears and I bite down on my lip at the sight of it. “I’m honored to be sharing this first with you.”

A muffled voice comes out over the speaker, warning us to keep our hands inside at all times. I grip the metal handles on the chest bar and try to breathe.

“Hey,” Ben says, his voice filled with warmth. “If you get scared, I’m right here.” He opens his hand and I take it before nodding. Sweet victory. Axel looks back at us and I raise my brows. His eyes go right to my hand in Ben’s and instead of wiggling his brows at me like I’d expected, he faces forward.

The chest bar pressed against my lungs makes taking deep breaths feel almost impossible as we climb the first lift hill. The rattling noise of our car as it makes its ascent does not settle my nerves. I know it will soon be followed by a fast drop and then my first-ever loop.

“It’ll be over before you know it. It’s easier if you close your eyes,” Ben says.

I nod slightly, because that’s all I can manage with this suffocating chest guard, and grip his hand even tighter once we reach the top of the hill. After a sudden drop we descend quickly into our first loop, then a second, and that’s when I open my eyes. It’s dark but the lights from the park make me feel like I’m on another planet. Lost somewhere between space and time. I release Ben’s hand and raise my arms to the sky for the banked turns, allowing myself to scream and laugh with the wind.

The ride comes to an abrupt stop and I catch my breath. I want so badly for Axel to turn around and see the look of pure elation on my face, but he remains focused up front.

“You did it,” Ben says. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you scream that loud before.”

“I don’t think I have screamed that loud before. It was kind of freeing.” Excitement continues to pulse through me. I can’t wait to tell Axel all about it.

“Hey, Jamie,” Ben says as we pull into our stop.

“Yeah,” I say, slightly distracted, my eyes on Axel’s head.

Our chest bars release and we lift them off. I unbuckle the seatbelt and Ben’s fingers trace over my hand, still resting between us.

I freeze up at the sudden touch, words unable to form at my lips. Olivia clears her throat to get Ben’s attention. He jolts his hand away. We both bolt up, parting ways, acting as if we’re just two strangers who sat next to one another on a ride. I race down the ramp, leaving Ben and Olivia behind, to find Axel.

“That was amazing,” I say, grabbing Axel’s arms and jumping up and down when I spot him at the bottom of the exit ramp. “It kind of felt like having a panic attack but in a good way.”

His tight-lipped grin turns into a smile and I pull him in for a hug. It’s weird, but even though Axel isn’t tall like Ben, which I love(d), our bodies kind of fit together perfectly. I don’t feel small with him like I thought I would. I feel safe.

“He’s gone,” Axel says, leaning back as Ben and Olivia pass. “You don’t have to hug me anymore.”

“That’s not why…I mean…it must have been the adrenaline or something.” I shrug it off. “So, ready to film that last TikTok?”

He lifts his shoulders slightly. “It’s fine. We can forget about it.”

“No way, Tahini. The deal was you’d accompany me to Wonderland and I would film two TikToks for you. See? This is why a contract is so important. Makes sure neither of us gets screwed. Let’s go,” I say, grabbing his hand.

“Dah -ini,” he corrects me, softening ever so slightly.

“Fun fact: tahini gives me stomachaches.”

“And what do I give you?” he asks.

“The jury is still out on that one.” I manage to make him smile again. It’s kind of like winning a prize every time I do. “So…‘Baby’?” I ask, as we make our way to the front of the park.

“Yes, darling?” Axel responds, eyebrows pinched together.

“No.” I laugh. “The song you danced to. ‘Baby’ by Bieber. It’s old . Even I know that.”

“Good music transcends time. I don’t chase trends when I post on TikTok. At least not always. I choose songs that make me feel something. ‘Baby’ captures the innocence of first love.”

“Do you think there’s only innocence to be found in firsts?” I ask. Axel raises an acknowledging hello at a group of kids from our school who walk in a pack next to us. “Do you think we become hardened after our first loves break our hearts?”

“Yes. No. I mean, the right person will always give you those first-love flutters. I think. I’ve never actually been in love before.”

“Huh,” I say, trying to hide my surprise.

“Speaking of first loves, did something happen with you and Romeo on the ride?” Axel asks. The smell of funnel cake tickles my nostrils but my stomach is already full of so much crap. And maybe a few butterflies. The source of those butterflies is yet to be determined. Tonight has been a lot.

“I held his hand—just until the second loop was over. And then,” I say as we come to the front of the fountain.

“Then?” he asks. Most of our classmates are gathered by the front, with both teachers doing a rough head count.

“He stroked my hand with his finger when the ride was over. Clearly, he isn’t as committed to Olivia as he would have me believe.” I suck in my lips as my eyes flit to the sky. “While I think we’re making good progress, we are at the end of week two of school and they’re still together, which means we’re going to have to keep this going.” I remove Axel’s bag from his shoulders and fetch the Steadicam and speaker. “Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah.” His tone is hard to read, but his eyes are focused on mine.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” I say as I notice most of the class has reunited and our teachers look ready to leave.

“Right. I want to change the song though.”

“Can you do that?”

He smirks. “I can do whatever I want.”

Axel hits his mark and I press Record once the music starts. Another older, familiar song by yet another Canadian artist plays: “Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes. He’s really laying it on thick with the cheesy love songs tonight.

But there’s something different about this performance. For one, Axel mouths the words along to the song as he dances, and second, he keeps making eye contact with me, not the camera. His moves are deliberate. Whereas his last performance was kind of sweet, there’s an edginess to this one. Sharp angles and aggressive stomps.

His eyes never leave mine. His curls move in sync with his body. His gait goes from wide to narrow. Axel pounds his chest as he gets down on his knees and back up with ease, twisting his feet and turning. He somehow knows exactly how much to move to stay within the frame.

Our entire class and others stop what they’re doing to watch Axel dance in front of the lit-up fountains. Even Ben seems mesmerized by Axel’s performance. He’s a star. He belongs in front of the camera. He’s more than I could have ever expected. And then some.

The song comes to an end, and instead of remaining still until I finish filming, Axel walks right up to me, stopping inches from my face. I can feel all eyes on us, waiting to see what he does next. My heart pounds in my chest. Is this the moment…? Is he going to…? His breath is warm. His scent a bit musky from dancing.

Axel leans in and murmurs, his lips grazing my ears, “How’s that for adrenaline?” He pulls back before taking the Steadicam from my shaky hands.

“Time to go,” Ms. Weaver shouts.

As the class heads to the exit, Axel included, I remain frozen, watching everyone leave. My knees are weak and I’m finding it hard to stand upright, much less walk. And now, even though I met all my goals for tonight, I’m left with this overwhelming sense of disappointment.