Page 17 of You Started It

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“Turn left here,” Axel gently prompts, riding shotgun in my car, once again.

I turn into a dark parking lot, per Axel’s instructions. “Am I parking?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I pull into a spot and turn off my car. There’s a sign in bright pink neon outside the small building. “Kit’s Karaoke Dive,” I read aloud. “This is the surprise?”

“This place is more than meets the eye,” he says, giving me little reassurance. “Kind of like me. Plus, this isn’t the only surprise I have in store tonight.” He gets out and comes over to my side, opening my door. He extends his hand like some sort of royal butler and I scrunch up my face. “Just play along,” he says.

“Fine.” I place my hand in his and allow him to guide me through the parking lot.

Once we walk into Kit’s, a muscular bouncer asks to see our IDs. He promptly stamps our hands with red ink once he’s verified that we are both way underage.

“It’s kind of cool that they let younger people in even if they can’t serve us drinks,” he says.

I follow Axel inside the dark bar. He points to an exit sign to show me that the restrooms are just below it. It’s such a small thing, but it means a lot to me.

Kit’s is crowded but Axel manages to find us a table by the stage. Loud nineties rock blasts over the speakers. Most of these people look closer to my mom and Eli’s age, possibly even older. Axel and I are by far the youngest ones here tonight.

“So,” I say, nodding while looking around, “karaoke. You like to sing too?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Me. That’s who. I don’t like to sing,” I say, pulling at my earlobe.

“No pressure. The karaoke is just part of the ambiance.” He smiles sweetly and reaches for my hand across the table, entwining his fingers with mine. This is the moment. This is the moment Axel will ask me to be his girlfriend. I will my heart to behave by taking in breaths through my nose and letting them out discreetly. “I wanted to thank you,” he begins, “for what you did at the wedding. Encouraging me to get up there in front of my father. It’s really changed things between us. It feels like I’ve finally earned his respect. And it’s all because of you.”

“And the pregnant belly dancer,” I say.

I expect Axel to laugh but his expression remains serious as his thumb strokes my hand. “It’s just been nice to not have to tiptoe around my father anymore. I honestly didn’t think he’d ever come around. You entering my life, in the bizarre way you did, has made everything so much better. Except my bike.” He squeezes my hand and we laugh. “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. You’re so smart and funny. I love how confident you are about some things, and other times, so vulnerable. I don’t think you see how special or unique you are. There’s only one Jamie Taher-Foster and I feel pretty lucky to know her.”

I swallow and study our intertwined fingers. Sometimes when things get too real, too emotional, I struggle to maintain eye contact or I’ll change the subject. “I saw Ben today,” I say, remaining consistent as ever.

“Oh yeah?” Axel asks without flinching.

“Yeah.” I twist my mouth, fighting away a smile. “I went to his house and left a box of his junk at his front door. Want to know why I did that?”

“I do.” He smiles.

“Because I wanted to officially close the chapter on Ben Cameron. But I guess that means the end of something else.” I reach into my bag and pull out the unsigned contract, sliding it across the table. “Axel Dahini, do you agree to terminate the terms and conditions of this agreement?”

He laughs as he picks it up. “You know, I never did sign this.”

“I do know that. And,” I continue, looking at the pages in his hands, “you never told me the meaning behind your bike’s name.”

“It was to honor my grandmother,” he finally reveals, as he places the contract on the table. “My dad’s mom. She lived with us when I was growing up. She passed away when I was fourteen.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, seeing the hurt in his eyes. But also the love.

“Thanks. She didn’t know much English. The truth is, she couldn’t be bothered to learn it.” He laughs to himself. “But in hindsight, I’m pretty sure it was her plan all along, because it forced me to learn how to speak Arabic.”

“I’m so jealous that you have that,” I say. Not only can Axel speak Arabic, but he also got to have a close relationship with his grandmother. “But how does this explain Betty White?”

“I’m getting there. Patience, butterfly.” He boops my nose with his finger and winks before continuing. “One day I walked into the family room to find my teta watching Golden Girls . I was about eight or nine at the time. She made me sit next to her and translate everything that was happening. And if you’ve ever watched Golden Girls, you can imagine that not everything was”—he clears his throat—“easily translatable. Anyway, it became our thing. We’d watch an episode together at night. I’d practice my Arabic, she’d correct it, and we’d both laugh.”

“That’s so adorable I could puke,” I say, not doing a great job at hiding my envy. “I can’t speak Arabic; I barely know my mother’s parents; and my grandparents on my father’s side are snowbirds and spend half the year in Florida. Not like they’re the warm and fuzzy type anyway.”

“But you have an Amo Eli, and he’s pretty cool.”

“He is.” I smile. “So I guess Betty White was her favorite Golden Girl then?”

“Rose.” He nods. “Yeah. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. How my bike brought us together. Maybe my teta had something to do with it.”

There’s a beat of silence before Axel returns to the contract, looking it over quickly.

“Some of these aren’t so terrible, James. I’m not sure I want to terminate the entire contract just yet.”

“Which items would you like to revisit, Alexander?”

“Have your lawyer call mine.” He grins before putting it down and leaning in to kiss me.

“Ahem! No public displays of affection over rank bar tables,” a deep voice says above us.

We pull apart and Axel bolts out of his seat and greets two people with aggressive handshakes turned full body hugs. “Dude! It’s been too long,” the guy with bleached blond tips says.

“I know. I’ve been distracted,” Axel says, smiling down at me. “Sit down. This is Jamie. Jamie, this is Finn,” he says, gesturing at Blond Tips, “and Diesel.”

“Hey. I use they/them pronouns,” Diesel says. “You?”

“Oh. She/her. I’m straight,” I say, suddenly feeling super uncool and out of place. “Wait, sorry. That’s not the right way to say it.” I rake my fingers through my hair. My eyes lock with Axel’s and he nods encouragingly. I pause and take a deep breath. “I’m a cishet girl,” I try again.

Diesel grins. “You don’t have to tell us your sexual orientation.”

“Right. Because I’m with Axel.”

“No.” Diesel straightens. “Because you don’t owe that information to anyone. For the record, you could be with Axel and be bisexual. Or ace. Or many other things. But I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to share all of that within thirty seconds of meeting me.”

I smile back at Diesel, trying to hide the blush I feel taking over my cheeks. “So, you’re Axel’s dancing friends?”

They all laugh at my not-so-discreet attempt at changing the subject. “Yes, we’re Axel’s dancing friends,” Finn says. He’s super tall and lanky. His nails are painted bright pink and black. They match Diesel’s.

“I’m surprised you’ve heard of us,” Diesel says. “We figured Axel forgot about his old life once he moved to the suburbs. Seems to have benefited him though. His TikToks are getting a lot more views since he went solo.”

Finn grabs Diesel’s arm dramatically. “I told you it was the right decision to let him go.”

Diesel nods, painting on a frown. “You were right. But it’s been hard. Hold me.”

Finn and Diesel fake-cry into each other’s arms, then pull apart, laughing.

I lean in to Axel. “So, are these two my second surprise?”

“They are.” Axel nods. “I figured in order to get to know the real me, you needed to know a bit more about my other family. Finn and Diesel took me under their wings in ninth-grade gym. They saw I was as hopeless at most team sports as they were and convinced our teacher to let us ‘dance’ our way to an A. The only catch was we had to perform for the class at the end of the semester.”

“That’s when some unevolved jerks posted it on TikTok thinking it would go viral, for all the wrong reasons, but instead we went viral for all the right ones,” Finn says, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.

“Is that when you decided to film dances together and post them?” I ask.

“Eventually,” Diesel says. “It took a while to convince Axel. He was a bit more reserved back then. He still is compared to me and Finn.”

Axel? Reserved? Not a word I would use to describe him.

“Jamie, are you much of a singer?” Finn asks, nodding to the stage.

“No. This was Axel’s idea. Do you enjoy singing in front of strange adults?”

Diesel laughs. “Yeah. We like to sing. Some of us are better at it than others.”

I glance over at Axel, who keeps checking his phone. He types something quickly into it, then excuses himself.

“That was weird,” I say out loud, without realizing.

“What was?” Finn asks, his blue eyes peering into mine like an old soul.

“Axel’s barely ever on his phone, but he’s been checking it constantly tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d be worried he was texting his sidepiece.” I laugh but the others don’t join.

“Axel wouldn’t do that,” Diesel says, shaking their head slightly.

“You’re his friends. You have to say that,” I respond, almost defensively.

“No,” Finn interjects. “His last girlfriend, Sky, cheated and it nearly broke him.”

“Axel’s never spoken about Sky before,” I say.

“Yeah, he wouldn’t. Once someone breaks his trust, that person is pretty much dead to him.” Diesel’s eyes bore into mine. I nod to let them know I get their message. Loud and clear.

“I’m the same way, so I get it,” I reply. Axel returns and takes a seat next to me. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to make sure your third surprise was still on track,” he says with a wink.

“You know, I don’t really love being surprised,” I say, before biting on my lower lip.

“I know. But this is a good one.” Axel tips his forehead to mine and I rub my nose up against his.

“We heard you’re Axel’s videographer,” Finn says, breaking us out of our love trance. For a second, I almost forgot they were there.

“All I do is hold the tripod thingy. And yes, that is the official word for it.” I steal a glance at Axel. He’s got a huge smile on his face. I like being here with his friends and seeing a different side of him. And I like that he wanted me to see this side of him.

As the conversation continues, it becomes obvious that Finn and Diesel enjoy ripping on Axel for sport, but I’m pretty sure they’d skin me alive if I ever hurt him. It makes me jealous in a way. I’ve never experienced that kind of friendship with anyone.

Growing up, I floated around, never really finding “my people.” Looking back, I can see part of that was me protecting myself by not letting people in. My parents were teenagers when they had me. They had no idea what they were doing, and I guess that’s why I clung to Ben so hard after we met. Ben was stability. Something I’d never had.

Maybe Amo Eli is right. We take something from our past relationships and bring it into our next. If it weren’t for Ben, I wouldn’t be here now with Axel.

After chatting with Finn and Diesel for a while, over non-alcoholic drinks and greasy appetizers, I get them to spill all of Axel’s most embarrassing moments. Finn is in the middle of telling us a story about the time Axel got locked in the janitor’s closet with the school principal when the music cuts out. The stage lights turn on and a tall man wearing a red plaid shirt walks up to the mic. He introduces himself as Kit and welcomes everyone. He goes into a seemingly rehearsed bit describing how the karaoke portion of the evening works, then ends it by telling everyone that “Don’t Stop Believin,’?” by Journey is banned from Kit’s Karaoke for the foreseeable future. It seems to get a mostly favorable response from the crowd. Although a few people do boo and jeer.

“So?” Diesel says, looking right at me. “Are you getting up there tonight?”

I swallow, shifting nervously in my seat. “Me? No. Definitely not. What about you?”

“Nah,” Diesel says. “But Finn should. He’s got a wicked set of pipes.”

“We’ll see,” Finn says, chewing on his thumbnail. “Not sure this crowd is my key demographic.”

“Right,” Axel laughs. “I doubt they have any songs from this century.”

“So why’d you bring me here?” I ask, feeling my eyebrows scrunch up. “If none of you plan on singing and this place doesn’t hold significance for any of you?”

“Does everything you do have to have deep meaning behind it?” Diesel asks in earnest.

“Yes. But I’m working on it,” I reply.

Axel runs a hand up and down my back. He glances at his phone again before tossing another reassuring smile my way.

As the night progresses, something becomes very clear: the people at Kit’s Karaoke Dive take their performances pretty seriously. It’s as if they’re living out some dream to be a rock star they didn’t quite get to as teens. Makes me kind of sad, actually. I don’t want to live my life with regrets, but I guess I already do in some ways.

Applause breaks me out of my thoughts, as does Axel’s face nuzzling my neck. “Having fun?” he asks.

“I always have fun when I’m with you. You’re my fun-maker.”

“Good. I hope it’ll always be that way.” He places a soft, gentle kiss on my lips. As we pull apart, I decide to ask Axel about the DM he sent Olivia. Just to clear the air and make sure there are no more lingering doubts, but then the next song begins.

“Oh god,” I say, pulling back.

“What is it?” Axel’s eyebrows pinch together.

“This song.”

“What song is it?” Finn asks.

“?‘The Flame’ by Cheap Trick. It’s my parents’ ‘song,’?” I say, barely containing an eyeroll.

“Aww. It’s got a nice vibe,” Diesel says.

“It’s just…” The all-too-familiar voice that comes out over the speakers causes a chill to pass through my entire body. It transports me to my childhood home, sitting on the floor of our kitchen with linoleum tiles peeling up at the corners. A yellow halo from the light fixture glows over my parents, who are holding onto one another tightly while they dance. Dad sings into Mom’s ear and she blushes, smiling wide. They sway back and forth while I watch this moment I know will be fleeting. So fleeting that instead of it bringing me joy, it fills me with dread. Because I know it can (and will) be over in an instant.

My heart leaps into my throat as I lock eyes with the man on stage. He sings as if this is the most important moment of his life, gripping both hands around the microphone. One corner of his mouth turns up in an apprehensive smile.

Dad.

I sit up straight in my seat, frozen in time and place, watching my father sing to me. My father, who I haven’t seen in over three years, haven’t spoken to since the day he left, is currently standing a few feet away, almost within arm’s reach. It’s as if it’s just the two of us in this dark bar. Maybe he’s not even real. He could be a mirage.

“Jamie. Jamie.”

Someone shakes my arm. My name coming from Axel’s mouth sounds distant. I rise from my seat as the audience applauds my father’s performance. He steps down so he’s next to our table, standing across from me.

“Jamie,” he says, a pained expression on his face. Pretty sure it matches mine.

“What are you…? How did you…?” My eyes dart around, zigzagging across the table, unable to focus on anyone. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.” I grab my things and rush out the front door of Kit’s, trying desperately to catch my breath. There’s a pounding in my head. My heart feels like it may burst from my chest. I bend over, unsure if my legs will support the weight of my body, trying not to throw up. I keep trying to take…in…deep…breaths…but…they…repeatedly…get…lodged…stuck…in my throat. In. Out. The vise is back, squeezing my lungs, not allowing any airflow in or out. I float outside my body, head spinning, disconnected from the ground below me.

Just as I feel myself falling backward, someone catches me, saying my name, over and over.

“Jamie. Sweetie, look at me.” My dad’s hands clasp my cheeks. He’s trying to get me to look him in the eye. “Breathe in, come on, you can do it.”

I nod and close my eyes, trying to breathe in the crisp night air.

“There you go. Again. Breathe in, then out.”

My eyes focus as I slowly come out of my fever dream and return to this living nightmare.

The vibrations of the music from inside thump in sync with my pulse. I stare at my father, his face inches away from mine. He looks the same. But a little different. Older. Scruffier. Leaner.

“Does that happen a lot?” Dad asks, studying me.

“No.” I shake my head. “Not anymore, I mean,” I say, shrugging off his touch. “Happened all the time after you left.” I wipe tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’ve mostly gotten the panic attacks under control, but I guess when you’re met face-to-face with the person who triggered them in the first place, they decide to make an appearance.” I let out an unamused laugh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Right.” I laugh again, the action itself exhausting what’s left of my energy. “Why would you? You walked out and never looked back. Hell, I’m surprised you even recognized me,” I say, trying to form words as I stand upright, my fingertips still tingling.

Dad covers his mouth with his hand and brings it down his bearded face. “I’d recognize you in a room full of clones. You’re my baby. My mirror image. My heart.” Tears glaze over his eyes as he takes me in.

“If I’m all those things, then where have you been the last three years? Why haven’t you reached out?”

“It’s complicated, James. There’s so much you don’t know.” He rakes a hand through his dark hair as a million emotions course through me. Anger. Nervous butterflies. Happiness. Confusion. Sadness. Relief. Exhaustion.

The door to Kit’s opens and the bouncer asks my father if there’s an extra microphone for a couple who wants to duet. He gives him a quick response before turning his attention back to me.

“Do you work here?” I ask.

“I manage the place.”

“You’ve been in Toronto this whole time?” I turn away and watch as cars pass on the busy road in front of the bar, trying to hide the fact that I need to regulate my breathing again to avoid another panic attack. “I thought maybe you’d moved out of province or even Canada. I had no idea you’ve been only a few minutes away.” I face him again. “I don’t understand.”

“I wanted to see you. I tried, but your mom wouldn’t let me get within ten feet of you.”

“Does she know you work here? That you’re still in the city?”

Dad nods.

“I can’t believe her. She kept you from me?” I step up to him so we’re face-to-face. “She made it sound like you left and she had no idea where you were.”

“Your mom had her reasons.”

“You can’t defend her. That’s time we can’t get back. Milestones missed. Birthdays. Holidays. I’m not the same person I was when you left,” I say, hearing the tremble in my voice. “Why didn’t you at least email? Or call? Anything to show you still cared.”

Dad opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Axel, who bursts out of the bar with Finn and Diesel trailing behind him. Axel’s eyes are wide as he glances between me and my father. “Is everything okay?”

“Wait a minute,” I say, looking at Axel, then my father. “Did you know about this? Is that…is that why you brought me here?”

“We’re going to take off,” Diesel says to Axel.

“Nice meeting you, Jamie,” Finn says before he and Diesel head to the bus stop. There’s a beat of silence as Axel’s friends walk away, leaving an odd trifecta of people behind.

“Maybe I should leave you two alone,” Dad says.

“It’s what you do best,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

He reaches into his back pocket and opens his wallet, handing me a small piece of cardstock. “It’s a business card,” he says, a strained smile on his face. “You can reach me anytime.”

“Sure,” I say, knowing it’s just a hollow gesture. “Whatever.”

“Can I have a hug?” Dad asks as Axel stands by.

I swallow and release a breath. “Okay.”

My father’s arms envelope me in a tight bear hug, but I can’t seem to let myself unclench my shoulders from my neck long enough to return the sentiment.

Dad steps back and extends a hand out to Axel. Axel accepts it with apprehension.

My father heads inside the bar and I watch as the door closes behind him. Axel comes into my line of vision but doesn’t speak.

“So, that was my third surprise,” I say, my tone devoid of emotion. “The big one, I assume.”

“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” he says, exhaling a deep breath. “Especially after what you did for me and my dad. I wanted to repay the favor.”

“You thought hunting down the man I haven’t seen or spoken to in over three years was ‘repaying the favor’?” I ask, my eyes wide. “You can’t compare your relationship with your father to mine. Your dad lives with you. He didn’t abandon you. All I did was bring your father to the dance floor and tell him to look up. This is completely different. You had no right inserting your nose into my business.”

He frowns. “I just thought if you could see him again, then maybe it would…I don’t know.”

“What? Fix me?”

“You hold back, Jamie. Even with me. And I guess I believed part of that was because of your dad. Maybe I did overstep. But I wanted to bring you two together again to at least open the lines of communication. All this time has passed and it’s going to keep passing. And the problem with that is, the scars will never heal.”

“No. They won’t. Especially if someone you thought you trusted goes behind your back and picks at the scab.”

Axel looks down, his feet still. “I thought it would make you happy.”

“Clearly you don’t know me as well as you seem to think you do. But then again, why am I surprised? This was never meant to be something real.”

“Jamie, don’t do this,” Axel says, taking a cautious step toward me. “I made a mistake and I’m sorry. But it doesn’t erase everything else.”

“Doesn’t it?” I ask, sucking in my cheeks. “I mean, really, everything about us was based on a lie. And someone who claims to know me, the real me, wouldn’t make this kind of decision. Face it, Axel. Our ‘relationship’ is as deep as a puddle.”

“You’re just trying to push me away by saying mean things. It won’t work. I’m not walking away from us. You’re not your mother and I’m not your father.”

“Right. My father didn’t send DMs behind my mother’s back.”

“What DMs?” Axel shakes his head. “What’re you talking about?”

“Olivia showed me proof of you sliding into her DMs and asking her out after Wonderland.”

He brings his fingers to the bridge of his nose and pinches it, releasing a deep sigh. “It’s not what you think.”

“Ben was right about you. And me.”

“What did Ben say about me?” Axel asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“He said you were shady. Which you’ve proven yourself to be. And that ultimately all you were to me was a distraction. Well guess what? My eyes are open now. I can see clearly again. Find your own way home.” I head to my car, slamming the door shut behind me. I want to cry. I want to scream. Every single person I’ve ever trusted has broken that trust in some shape or form. At a certain point I have to face the truth I’ve been trying to push away for years.

I’m unlikeable and unlovable.

And no number of lists or accomplishments will ever change that.