Page 12 of You Started It

CHAPTER TWELVE

It doesn’t take long before the heavy thumping of the music from the amphitheater reverberates to our boat. It’s nice being out here, both seemingly in the middle of nowhere and yet in the middle of all the action. The water taxi stops at a marina behind Budweiser Stage. Axel helps me off the boat and his eyes roam around the dock in search of something. I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head.

“First bus. Then streetcar. Then boat. What’s our next mode of transportation?” I ask. Axel nods at my feet before his eyes move up my body.

“Now we go by foot. Just need to make our way through those bushes to get to the fence.”

“We’re hopping a fence?” I ask, stalling in my spot on the dock. “And I’m sorry, did you say bushes?”

“Would you keep it down?” he says, eyebrows raised. “Don’t worry. It’s not a tall fence. The bushes, on the other hand…”

“Axel, would you please fill me in on what we’re about to do? I have the sinking suspicion it’s not legal,” I say, crossing my arms.

“Sorry.” He stands next to me and shoots out an arm and points. “We walk past the dock, through the bushes, and hop the fence. Then ta-da. We’re there.”

“This is your well-thought-out plan?”

He raises his shoulders. “Yeah.”

“And did you bother to consider that we may come across some security guards?”

“Nah. They’re busy guarding the artists and the alcohol, not the bushes.”

“You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you?” I ask, biting back a smile.

“My mom tells me I am.” He smirks, clearly proud of himself. “Come on, we’re going to miss it.” He extends his hand and I not-so-reluctantly place mine in his.

Axel’s definition of bushes is more like full-grown trees, stacked closely together. The music grows louder and clearer as we weave our way through the dense forest. Once we make it through, we’re faced with a fence, but Axel was right; it’s not very high. Can’t be sure no electrical currents flow through it though.

“See?” he says. “Not a guard in sight.” He hops the fence first, then helps me. “The trick is to look natural. Just blend in with the others.”

I nod and follow him toward the spectators who legally purchased their lawn seats. Blue Rodeo is already on stage. Axel and I are easily the youngest people here. So much for blending in. We stand side by side and watch the concert under the cerulean sky, and I can’t help but admit, at least to myself, how much fun this entire date has been. Ben’s never orchestrated something this elaborate for me. I guess it’s why I came up with the bucket list. Part of me wanted to branch out and experience more. Maybe that’s why Ben really wanted to work that camp job. We both wanted more, but in different ways.

“So?” he asks over the music. “How does it feel to check another item off your bucket list?”

I turn to him. “ Our bucket list. And it feels good.” Really good. I smile, while tucking my hands into my sleeves.

“You cold?” he asks.

“A little, but it’s fine.”

“Do you mind?” He stands behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, holding me against his chest. His body radiates warmth, and I can’t help but sink into his embrace. His lips press lightly against my ear. “Warmer?”

“Yeah. Much.” It’s funny. I didn’t think I could feel safe and comfortable in someone else’s arms. I always loved how tall Ben was. It gave him this sense of authority, but it’s not as if he did anything to earn it. He was just genetically blessed. Axel oozes confidence and isn’t afraid to ask for what he wants. With Ben, I had to be the one to initiate our first kiss. I was the one who asked him to be my boyfriend. I guess Ben’s height and brawn were just superficial reasons to like him. I had this idea that he was a puzzle piece I fit perfectly with, but as it turns out, a puzzle piece has more than one side.

Axel sways a bit and I sway with him. We’re surrounded by a bunch of loud adults drinking beer, which would normally annoy me, but I’m able to tune them out. When the band announces their next song, “Lost Together,” the crowd erupts into cheers before going eerily quiet. It’s as if someone put a spell over them.

“Must be one of their bigger bops,” I say to Axel as the strum of a guitar fills the air.

He lets out a soft laugh. “It is.” Axel releases me and steps in front as the singer begins. “Dance?”

“Here?” I ask, glancing around to find other couples slow dancing. The benefit of lawn seats, I guess.

“No one’s looking at you. Well, except maybe me. But I don’t count.” He smiles and I can’t help but return it. Axel places his hands on my waist and I rest mine atop his shoulders. There’s a decent amount of space between us, like we’re in sixth grade or something. It makes me laugh.

“What?” he asks.

“You could stick a ruler between us,” I say.

“Let me fix that.” Axel palms my lower back, pressing his fingers into my skin and pulling me in closer. “Better?” He’s calm. Still. His eyes are on mine and it’s as if there is no one else here in this moment but us.

“Better.” My heart starts to beat faster and I swallow, finding the strength to speak. “You’re wrong, by the way.”

He shakes his head. “What am I wrong about now?”

“When you said before that you don’t count. You do.”

Axel rubs his nose up against my nose before tipping his forehead to mine. We sway slowly with the music. His chest rises and falls in sync with mine. Our breathing a slow rhythm that sounds like a song written just for the two of us. A drop of rain lands on my cheek. Then another. Before I can say rain , it pours down, drenching us within seconds, but we remain, bodies entangled, slow dancing while people run around in search of cover.

“Wimps,” I say, with Axel’s eyes locked in on mine.

His expression grows serious as the song comes to the bridge. He brings his lips to my ear and begins to sing. The warmth of his breath sends a tingle all the way to my toes. We remain moving in sync among some of the other die-hard fans who sing along with the band, and it’s probably the most romantic moment of my life.

If this is supposed to be fake, then why does it feel more real than anything I ever experienced with Ben?

The song ends and the rain continues to come down hard. The band announces they have to pause the concert until it’s safe to continue.

“Want to get out of here?” Axel asks, his wet T-shirt clinging to his chest.

I nod and follow him out of the venue and past security guards who are none the wiser. He keeps my hand grasped in his tightly. We miraculously get onto a streetcar without having to wait, our clothes completely soaked. We barely say anything on the ride back. I think we’re both tired, or maybe avoiding speaking about that moment. The moment we’re still sharing while my head rests on his perfectly broad shoulder.

We transfer onto a bus that takes us back to our neighborhood. I walk to Axel’s house with him since my car is parked on his street. The rain has let up but we’re still drenched, and if I’m being honest, we both kind of stink.

“That was fun,” I say as we make it to the end of his driveway. “Thanks for planning that out. Shoot,” I say, scrunching my face. “We forgot to take advantage of the location and film a TikTok or take any pictures.”

“It was fun, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Sometimes it’s better to let a moment be a moment that can only be remembered in your head. That way it’s kind of a secret between the people who experienced it. Makes it more special, I think.” Axel swallows, while bouncing on his heels. “Besides, next weekend you get to return the favor in a big way.”

“Your cousin’s wedding,” I say with a nod.

“Yeah. You still in?”

“Of course. It’s going to be pretty formal, right?”

Axel laughs. “Very. But just wear whatever makes you comfortable.”

“How’s this going to work?” I ask. “I mean, you’re in the wedding party. So, who will I sit with?”

“My family,” he says, as if it’s no big deal. “And you’ve already met them.”

“Oh.”

“Is that not okay?”

“It’s fine, I just…you’ll be busy and, I don’t know, maybe I’ll get in the way by being there.” My hands turn into fists again. Breathe.

“I want you there,” he says, taking my hands and unspooling my fingers. “Jamie, I know we’re supposed to be faking all of this, but the thing is…” He pauses, and then glances over my shoulder. He clears his throat and releases my hands. “Ben.”

“The thing is, Ben?” I ask.

“He’s here,” Axel says, looking past me.

I turn to find Ben walking toward us. “What’s up, guys?” His tone is less friendly and more asshole-y. He looks us both up and down. “What happened?”

“We fell in a puddle,” I say in a deadpan voice. “What do you want, Ben?”

“Just got home from Olivia’s. She told me something interesting.”

“Can this wait, man? Jamie and I were in the middle of something,” Axel says.

“No. It can’t wait…man.” Ben walks past me and gets in Axel’s face. “Olivia told me what you did.”

Axel squints at Ben. “What did I do?”

“You tried to get between me and her. When you’re supposed to be with Jamie.”

Axel shakes his head. “No, I didn’t.”

“When you were on the ride, at Wonderland. You stole my seat and flirted with her. She told me all about it.”

Axel’s eyes meet mine. I swallow, looking away from his gaze.

“He did all that to rile you up and it obviously worked,” I say, trying to think fast on my feet. “He’s not interested in Olivia.”

“Open your eyes, Jamie. The guy’s a flirt. Whenever you’re not around, he’s surrounded by girls.”

“So what?” I ask, stepping in front of Axel, toe-to-toe with Ben. “I’m confident enough in my relationship with Axel that I don’t freak out anytime he speaks to other girls. He can control himself.”

“You’re blinded by his so-called charm. This guy isn’t who he pretends to be. He’s just using you.”

“Excuse me?” I say, trying to ignore the tension growing not only between Ben and Axel but also in my neck.

“Why don’t you just go home?” Axel says to Ben.

“What reason would Axel have to use me?” I say, challenging Ben.

“To be his videographer. To drive him to school. To introduce him to people. It’s so obvious.”

“Jamie doesn’t even know anyone!” Axel says in a weird attempt to defend me.

“Go home, Ben. No one wants you here,” I say, my voice rising at his false accusations.

“I’m just trying to look out for you,” he says, holding out his hands. “The guy’s trouble.”

“This guy,” I say, now standing side by side with Axel, “has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. He makes me laugh. He listens when I speak. He takes me out on fun dates. And,” I say, straightening, “he makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.”

“So he’s a good lay?”

“Screw you,” I reply before pressing my hands up against Ben’s chest and pushing him.

Axel wraps an arm around my waist, holding me back from pushing Ben again. “He’s not worth it, Jamie. Ignore him.”

“Yeah.” Ben chuckles. “Ignore me. You’ve been doing a real good job at it so far.” He stumbles backward, pointing a finger at Axel. “There’s something shady about that guy, Jamie.”

“You’re just angry I’m not holed up in my room crying about you breaking my heart. Get over yourself, Ben. I have.”

Ben opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He lifts his shoulders, then turns before making the short trek back to his house. I exhale a tired breath before facing Axel.

“Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize for him,” Axel says.

“Was Ben telling the truth though?” I ask, sucking in my cheeks. “Did you flirt with Olivia on the ride?”

“I was testing her,” Axel responds. “I wanted to see how committed she actually was to Ben. Turns out she’s pretty committed.”

A quiet laugh escapes me. “I’ll say.”

“So.” The corners of Axel’s lips turn up. “I make you feel things you’ve never felt before?”

“Oh.” My cheeks burn as I tuck a wet piece of hair behind my ear. “Ben just knows how to get under my skin, so I had to hit him with something that would make him jealous. Anyway, you were saying something before Ben showed up,” I remind him.

He shakes his head ever so slightly, his grin fading. “It can wait. I’m tired and am in desperate need of a shower.” A strained smile comes out. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I say. A sudden and deep sadness knots my chest and I don’t know if it’s because of Ben or because of how the light that flickered between Axel and me tonight has now dimmed. He watches as I get into my car. From my rearview mirror, I see Ben on the edge of his driveway, glaring at Axel. I don’t want to go but I can’t stay here. It feels like I’m running away from something real. Something I’m not sure I’m ready for yet.

I’m stuck between who I used to be and who I’m pretending to be.

One thing I know for sure is, I need to find myself. Whoever she is. And fast.