Page 10 of You Started It

CHAPTER TEN

It’s Thursday afternoon and I’m waiting at the library for Ben to show up for our second tutoring session. Technically, I’m breaking one of the contractual agreements by not driving Axel home twice this week, but to be fair, he still hasn’t signed the damn thing, so I figure there’s some wiggle room. I even slid a copy of the contract into his locker on Monday and it somehow ended up back in my notebook by lunch—unsigned. It’s like trying to nail down a worm.

“Hey.” Ben greets me at the table, slightly out of breath. We’ve started to say hi to one another in the halls again, but only when he’s not with her , which is sus since I say hi to him when Axel’s by my side.

“You’re late,” I say as he pulls up the chair next to mine. A musky scent trails from his body.

I must be making a face because he asks, “Do I smell? I had to run here.”

“Where were you?”

“Over on the football field watching Olivia’s cheer practice.”

Of course he was. I find it so odd that he talks to me about Olivia because, one, he dumped me for her and, two, if he is using this tutoring as an excuse to get closer, why remind me about the girl he left me for? “Does your girlfriend still not know I’m tutoring you?”

“I’ll tell her next week after I ace the quiz. That way I’ll have proof that I’m working with you because I need to and not…”

“Not what?” I turn my head swiftly, locking my eyes on his with deep intensity. “Because you want to?”

“I didn’t say that.” Ben looks away and unzips his backpack.

“You were about to.”

“But I stopped myself because I knew it sounded…” His voice trails off and he sighs before his eyes meet mine again. “I need your help. That’s true. I just don’t want her to think it’s an excuse to spend time with you.”

“Why would she think that? You dumped my ass for her,” I say, whipping the math textbook open. I am having deep regrets about agreeing to this. I wish Axel were here so he could make fun of Ben’s hair and make me laugh and forget for a moment why I so badly want to get back together with this guy who unabashedly broke my heart.

“You make it sound like I kicked you to the curb. I didn’t.”

“Felt like you did,” I say as I flip through the pages. “You weaseled your way out of my room pretty quickly the night you ended things.”

Ben shuffles in his seat. “I’ve never broken up with someone before. I guess I didn’t know how to do it, and you’re pretty convincing when you want to be so I figured I had to say what I needed to say and get out of there before you could change my mind.”

I huff out a laugh. “Whatever. You couldn’t wait to get out of my room and out of my life.”

“Not true, Jamie.” He places his hand on the textbook to stop my aggressive page-flipping. “I miss being around you.”

“Well, I don’t want you to get the wrong message,” I say, burying a slightly victorious smile. He misses me. I sit up straight and open my pencil case. “This is not me forgiving you. This is me tutoring you until you can crawl out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself. Plus, I need the money.”

“Okay.” Ben nods and I exhale the breath I’d been failing to swallow. I’m proud of myself for not taking the bait. For not trying to tease out a confession about how unfulfilling his relationship with Olivia is. This is not how I want to get him back. It needs to be more than this. Bigger than him just saying “Oops, I made a mistake.”

Besides, I’m not done torturing him yet.

“What do you guys do for fun?” Ben asks as I review the answers to the practice questions I assigned him last session.

“Axel and me?”

“Yeah. You and Axel. And what kind of name is that anyway?” He chuckles obnoxiously.

“His given name is Alexander. Axel’s just a nickname.” A smile escapes me as I recall the moment Axel introduced himself to Eli. He’s quite charming when he wants to be. The only people he hasn’t seemed to win over yet are my mom and Ben. I’m still undecided.

I correct one of Ben’s responses by showing him the proper formula in red pen before finally answering his question. “He’s actually teaching me how to dance.” The white lie slips out, but I needed something better than “we hang out and plot different ways to make you jealous.”

“You?” Ben turns his face to bury a laugh.

I jab him with my elbow. “Yes, me. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Sorry. I’m just picturing the time Eli tried to get you to do the Macarena at our Labor Day barbecue and—” He holds up a finger to allow himself a moment to catch his breath from laughing so hard. It’s contagious, and I end up laughing too.

“It’s true.” I shake my head. “I am the most uncoordinated person ever.” I clear my throat. “But dancing is important to Axel, so I try. For him. ” I really want to drive home the last two words because that’s the kind of girlfriend I am. It’s the kind of girlfriend I was to Ben. I’ll step outside my comfort zone for someone I love. Despite what some people might think, it’s not weak to do things for others. It’s how I show love. But I guess with some distance, I can see that maybe I tried to push my love language onto Ben a little too hard when things started to feel strained between us. And if I’m being honest with myself, it started even before he left for camp.

The first two years with Ben were perfect, at least from my perspective. Ben was pretty much the reason I didn’t crawl into a hole and hide after Dad left. He helped me get through the pain of losing my dad. The anxiety of never knowing when I’d speak to him next. He asked me about my sessions with my therapist and reminded me of the coping mechanisms she taught me when I felt a panic attack coming on. It made me grow even more attached to him, to the point where I didn’t think I needed to see her anymore. When Ben started distancing himself slightly, I clung on even tighter because I was afraid. I’d already lost my dad. I couldn’t lose Ben, too.

“Hey, I didn’t do so bad,” Ben says, looking over his work. “Only got one wrong, and you even gave me partial marks.” He brings up his hand for a fist bump. I ignore it.

“Let’s get to work.”

Trying to catch Ben up on the last few weeks of calculus is pretty painless. He’s picking up on the lessons quickly. I still can’t figure out if this is all a ruse to get me alone. But Ben must know he doesn’t need to make up an excuse to be with me.

He starts on another practice worksheet I made for him, and I can’t help but ask the question that’s been nagging at me.

“Before you left for camp, were you happy? I mean…did you think we were in a good place?”

Ben looks up from his notebook. He swallows and the grip on his pencil tightens. “Sure.”

“Ben.” I tilt my head. “If things were so good between us, then you and Olivia would never have happened.”

He exhales as his eyes move around the library. “I didn’t want to admit to you or myself that part of the reason I took the job at the camp, even after you learned you weren’t allowed to come, was because I needed space.”

“Space from me?” I ask.

He turns to look at me and heat rises through my body. I know I’m not going to like what he says next, but even so, I need to hear him say it.

Ben sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he puts his pencil down. “There’s this energy that surrounds you, Jamie, and I don’t…” His voice trails off again, as he searches for the right words. “I don’t blame you for being the way you are. I know with your dad leaving and your mom being your mom, it’s not easy for you. But a heaviness was starting to seep into our relationship, and once I was at camp I was surprised by how much lighter I felt.”

I face forward in my seat, my body sliding down ever so slightly. “I see.”

“Hey. It all worked out, right? You’ve got Axel and I’m with Olivia.” Every time he says her name, I envision myself grabbing a pair of rusty scissors and chopping off his long, greasy hair. “The fact that Axel’s teaching you to dance and you’re allowing him to is proof that he’s able to reach a part of you I never was.” Ben’s voice sounds almost sad as he delivers the end of that sentence. His phone buzzes before I can come up with a reply. He picks it up and types a message before turning to me. “Any chance I can catch a ride home with you?”

I agree without questioning why, too defeated by this entire conversation. Besides, after I drop Ben off, I can go to Axel’s and get him to finally sign our contract. And as a show of good faith, I’ll even play the doting girlfriend in front of his family.

The drive back to Ben’s is short but weird. It’s like every romantic song in the history of romantic songs plays during the seven-minute ride. My fingers can’t seem to change the stations fast enough.

“Since when did you start listening to pop music?” he asks as I pull up to his house and park.

“Axel programmed all those stations.”

“He’s really into music, eh?”

“Yeah well, it’s pretty much part and parcel of his job.”

“Job.” Ben laughs. “I’ve watched a couple of his TikToks. The one in front of the fountains at Wonderland was intense. It’s like he performed that one just for you. You must have hated the painfully overt display of affection.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask, twisting in my seat to face him.

“Because that stuff makes us cringe.”

“Does it?” I ask, furrowing my brows. “Because whenever I see you with Olivia, all of her is draped over all of you. And I only stopped myself from PDAs when we were together because you made it clear you weren’t into it.”

“So you like how showy Axel is?”

I think on his question for a moment before answering. “Yeah. I do. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It never did.”

“Oh.” Ben nods, like I’ve just told him those vegan breakfast bars he’s been consuming since ninth grade are made of pork. But this can’t be news to him. I followed his lead. I was like a little puppy, trying to do whatever I could to get a treat from my master. Looking back, I can see how pathetic it was. How pathetic I was. Especially since I wasn’t like that in the beginning.

“You want to come in?” he asks. “Mom would love to see you.”

I ponder his offer. Mostly I think about how my gut response to his invite is “Nah, bro. I’m good.” It’s not that I don’t want to get back together with Ben anymore, it’s just not as simple a solution as it once felt. While I never thought things were perfect, I thought maybe I was the only one feeling the disconnect. I can’t fault Ben for having doubts or even wanting space, because there were times that I had doubts and wanted space. I also still can’t help worry that maybe something did happen between him and Olivia at camp. They just looked way too comfortable together that night I ran over Axel’s bike.

And here comes the anger again.

“Thanks for the invite but I have plans,” I respond.

“Right. You’re probably going to Axel’s,” he says, the tone in his voice a mix between disappointment and desperation.

“Remember how you said you hoped we could be friends someday?” I ask.

Ben’s eyebrows rise as he leans in.

“I’m not there yet,” I say. “I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be.”

“Are you even trying?” he asks, slinking back.

“Why should I? No, seriously.” I shift to face him. “Why should I bother trying to be your friend when you can’t be honest with me about how you and Olivia came to be.”

“Is that what this is about? I thought we went over this. Nothing happened with Olivia until you and I broke up.” He looks away, and in that moment, I know for sure he isn’t telling me something.

“Physically maybe. But I don’t buy emotionally. See, the thing is, Ben, you were never really emotionally available to me that last year we were together, so in a way, it hurts more that you were busy forming this deep connection with Olivia over the summer while I stared at my phone, waiting for you to call or text.”

“What about you and Axel?” Ben says, an accusatory tone to his voice. “Were you really just staring at your phone all summer or were you hanging out with him?”

“That is neither here nor there,” I say, trying to divert attention from Axel’s and my origin story. We’ve been too busy building our current timeline to come up with a detailed backstory.

“How come you get to be pissed at how quickly I moved on with Olivia, but less than twenty-four hours after we were broken up, you were already dating him? That’s never sat right with me.”

“This is such…do you even hear yourself? How hypocritical…I mean, I can’t even with you. I only got together with Axel because, well, because I was single. You put the wheels in motion for that to happen. You started it.”

“Real mature, Jamie. Sorry for thinking we could possibly be friends.”

“That’s just it. We never really were friends. I had just conflated our romantic relationship with a friendship. Ergo, I don’t think there’s a way we can be friends now, since the foundation was never there.”

“Why does everything have to be all or nothing with you?” he asks, his voice rising slightly.

“Because, Ben, it does.”

Ben studies my face. Perhaps he’s hopeful I’ll falter at his puppy dog eyes, but they don’t seem to affect me as much as they used to.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” He reaches for the door handle.

“Wait,” I say. He turns back to look at me, a glimmer of hope forming in his eyes. “I don’t think I should tutor you anymore. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Whatever you say.” His shoulders slump before he exits my car.

I reverse out of Ben’s driveway and make the short trek to Axel’s. After parking, I grab the contract, stuffing it into my back pocket. I basically run to his front door and knock aggressively, a rush of energy coursing through my body.

A man with a beard, sprinkled with gray and trimmed to perfection, answers. “Hello,” he says, his Arab accent thick like molasses.

“Hi.” I try to catch my breath. “Is Axel here?”

“No. But Alexander is.”

“Right.” I laugh but his father doesn’t reciprocate. Time to lay on the charm. “I think Axel is a ridiculous nickname too. Especially since he has such a strong, classic name.”

Despite the thick beard, a miniscule smile becomes visible. I reach out my hand. “I’m Jamie Taher-Foster.”

“Taher,” he repeats as he shakes my hand. “Arabi?”

“Yes.”

“Hal tatahadath alearabia?” he asks.

“No. But I understand it a little.” A little might be an extreme inflation of the truth.

“Come in,” he says, waving me in from outside. “Do you want to learn?”

“I’ve always wanted to but no one in my house speaks it. Sometimes my uncle does, but mostly just when he’s angry.” And those aren’t words I can repeat to my fake boyfriend’s father.

Mr. Dahini chuckles. “Your mother, she’s an Arab?”

“Yes. Her parents are Palestinian.”

“Christian or Muslim?”

I don’t know why Arabs always ask me this.

“Greek Orthodox, but we’re not very religious.”

I feel like I’m being interrogated and failing, badly. From what I’ve seen and heard of Axel’s parents, their culture is extremely important to them and so is religion—in his foyer alone there are three crucifixes. I can’t imagine what his father is thinking right now, speaking to this half-Arab girl who can’t even answer simple questions without stumbling.

“Ah. You either are religious or you’re an atheist. No middle.”

“Baba.” Axel comes down the stairs, shirtless, to find me and his father discussing faith and religion. Totally normal conversation for someone you’ve only just met.

“Alexander,” his father says, his voice low. “Is this your girlfriend?”

“Jamie? Sure.”

Real convincing, Axel.

His father nods and smiles. Axel mouths “what’re you doing here?” Did I do something wrong by showing up unannounced? I thought I was supposed to play the girlfriend role. My stomach twists at Axel’s lackluster response to my presence. He’s usually happy to see me.

“Easha’i?” his father asks. Axel shakes his head.

“Um, no?”

His father grins. “Do you know what I asked you?”

Axel, who remains on the bottom step, behind his father, pretends to eat something out of a bowl. I didn’t realize coming here would mean a spontaneous game of charades.

“My mom is expecting me home for dinner. But thank you,” I say, trying to recover. “I just wanted to give Ax—Alexander something.”

Just when I didn’t think things could get any more awkward, the front door swings open and Axel’s mom walks through with two other women, who look a bit like Axel. Must be his older sisters. All three of them pause when they see us standing in the foyer. One by one, smiles grow on their faces, each telling a different story.

“Ahlan, Jamie,” his mother says, greeting me. She says my name the same way Eli does when he pulls out his fake accent. Only hers is real. “Are you here for dinner?”

I shake my head again. “No, thank you. I just have something to give Axel.”

“Is it a shirt?” she asks, eyeing her son. “Here.” She places her shopping bags on the floor and pulls out a T-shirt. “Put this on.”

Axel takes the shirt and smirks before throwing it on. His mom comes up behind him, pulling off the tag.

“Mama, Baba, leave them alone,” one of his older sisters says. She pushes her parents toward the kitchen and turns back to wink at us. “You too, Chrissy.”

“Let’s go outside.” Axel hops off the bottom step and puts on his slides. I follow him out, feeling all eyes on us.

“Sorry for showing up unannounced like this,” I say once he closes the front door.

“Why did you show up?” His tone is cold. So is his body language.

“I dropped Ben off after tutoring. Figured I’d try to get you to sign the contract again.” I let out a small laugh but he doesn’t reciprocate.

“What’s the point anymore?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest. “I mean, do you even need my help? Seems you’re doing fine without me.”

“I am doing fine because of you.” Axel faces the street and I walk right up to him, placing my hand on his arm. “Do you not want to do this anymore?”

“Guess how many people I’ve turned down since starting Maple View?”

“People? What people?”

“You haven’t noticed other girls checking me out? Guys too. They pretty much undress me with their eyes when we’re together, and when you’re not around, I have to practically bat them off with a stick.”

I shake my head. “I-I didn’t know. I guess I’m not always that observant of what’s going on around me.” I remove my hand from his arm and stare out at the street, side by side with Axel. My stomach clenches as dread makes my chest tight. “Do you want to fake break up?”

“No.” His voice is low.

“Well, clearly I’m getting in the way of your love life.”

He turns to face me. “Say we met under normal circumstances; would you have given me a second look?”

“That’s not a fair question,” I say.

“Why?”

“Because I probably wouldn’t have.” His eyes dart away from mine. I can see I’ve hurt his feelings, but how can he be surprised? Half the time we’re together, we bicker. And we didn’t exactly get off to a great start when we met.

“Do you know what it’s like to have multiple people chasing after me when the one person’s attention I do want is busy chasing after a person who doesn’t deserve her?”

“Is this some sort of confession?” I ask, honestly perplexed by Axel’s quasi-declaration of…something.

“When I saw you and Ben at the library after school, I didn’t like it.”

“You saw us?” I ask.

“I wanted to tell you something but the two of you were laughing and it seemed like you were having a moment.”

Laughing? A moment? “There wasn’t a moment. You probably just saw us when Ben was making fun of my inability to do the Macarena.”

Axel stifles a laugh. “You really are hopeless, aren’t you?”

“I am. And that’s why I need you.” I exhale and take a step closer, allowing a smile to come through. “I don’t want this thing to end. Truthfully, I’m having too much fun. But if feelings are getting in the way and…”

“No. Forget I said anything.”

He swallows, avoiding my stare. I stand by, tilting my head. His eyes meet with mine slowly.

“Okay,” he says with a slight shrug. He pinches his fingers together. “I may have a tiny crush on you.”

“Good.” I mirror his fingers with my own. “Because I may have a tiny crush on you too. Purely physical.”

Axel laughs and it helps break the tension of this weird confessional.

“I’m good with that,” he says in that cocky tone I’ve grown to like.

The sun is about to set. Standing on this porch alongside Axel with a cool breeze blowing between us, I think about lacing my fingers with his. Not for show but because I want to. What if I kissed him? Would he kiss me back? And what if he did? Would it be so bad? Just to see what it’s like to kiss someone else. To feel his lips on mine. To press my body up against his. Maybe run my hands through his curls.

I look up to find Axel’s eyes on me in a contemplative stare. He slowly bridges the gap between us. Instinctively, I wet my lips before leaning in to meet his.

“Jamie,” Axel’s mom calls through the doorway, her voice like ice-cold water on a growing fire. I take a step back, a veiled attempt to steady my racing heart. Axel turns away, placing his hands in his pockets. “I know you can’t have dinner with us tonight, but Saturday, you come here, we’ll feed you. Okay?”

I glance at Axel, whose cheeks are flaming red.

“Okay,” I say. “I’ll come by.”

“Early though,” Axel says to his mom. “We have plans that night.”

“Okay, busy boy. The early bird special for my lovebirds.” His mom smiles at the two of us and Axel raises his brows at his mother. “Sorry, Romeo. I’ll leave you alone.”

“What plans do we have Saturday?” I ask once his mom is back inside.

“That’s what I was coming to tell you at the library. The Red Rodeo concert—”

I nod before correcting him. “Blue Rodeo. Did you get tickets?”

“Don’t worry about logistics. I have a plan. Just come by around five.”

Saturday night: dinner with my fake boyfriend who I just almost kissed and his Arab family before going to a concert we don’t have tickets for. Sounds like a time.

The corners of my lips turn up in a smile. “Can’t wait.”