Page 29 of You Started It
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
It’s quarter to seven. The formal officially starts in fifteen minutes and I haven’t heard from Finn or Diesel in almost an hour. My uncle isn’t answering my texts either. The drive into the city is slow-going but steady. The only buses available at such short notice were the most expensive ones, so while we are definitely riding in style, the social committee completely drained their resources to make sure this event wasn’t a bust. Despite all the snow, what we do have going for us is no traffic. Which in Toronto is pretty much a miracle.
The energy on the bus is like a simmering pot. People are excited but afraid to show it in case we don’t make it. We’ve passed many stalled cars and even a stalled city bus. I’m seated in the row next to Ben and Olivia, who keep looking over at me like worried parents. I can’t seem to let myself sit back and relax, especially when I don’t know if we’ll make it there (in one piece) or if Axel will show. This whole thing hinges on Axel being there. Without him, there’s no point.
The logical side of my brain is telling me Axel won’t be there. There are too many obstacles stopping him, but my heart…my heart holds on to hope and the belief that the connection we shared was real. Is real.
My phone pings and I jump slightly in my seat.
Diesel: We finally made it to Shawarma Sitty and he’s not here.
Me: What did my uncle say?
Finn: He’s swamped. He said something about Axel running an errand.
An errand? In this weather?
Me: Is Axel answering your texts?
Diesel: No. But he might answer yours. Text him Jamie. Confess. Tell him what we’re doing. It might work.
Me: There’s no point. It’s too late.
Finn: It’s not. Just try. We’re on our way to the cn tower now.
Me: What’s your ETA?
Diesel: About twenty minutes, give or take a stalled car. TEXT HIM!
I breathe out a loud sigh and Olivia pushes her way into my seat. “What’s wrong?” she asks, placing her hand on my jittery knee.
“Axel wasn’t at work when Finn and Diesel showed up. They don’t know where he is. He won’t answer their texts.”
“Then you text him,” Ben says, his body turned to our seat.
“He’s not answering his best friends. He definitely won’t answer the girl who broke his heart.”
“Yes, he will,” Ben affirms. “Text him. Or I will, and I’m not bluffing. You deserve to be happy. Stop getting in your own way.”
Ben’s words echo in my ear. Stop getting in your own way. It’s something I’ve said to my mother. Repeatedly. I love my mom but she’s lost years and experiences to holding grudges and closing herself off to relationships, old and new. I don’t want to make that same mistake. I don’t want to live with regrets. Axel has to be there, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he is.
Me: Olivia figured it out! She chartered two buses and we’re all headed to the formal. I know you’re not really talking to me right now, but it’s important you come. For one, Finn and Diesel need you there for the performance. The whole senior class is expecting you, and the thing is, I want you there. I need you to be there. Please Axel. Don’t pull a Jamie and let your stubbornness get in the way of a really good time. Just come to the formal. You won’t regret it. I promise!
“Okay,” I say after hitting Send. “I texted Axel. Now we wait and see.”
“He’ll be there.” Ben smiles.
“He’ll be there,” Olivia repeats.
“He’ll be there,” I parrot, hoping if we say it three times, it’ll come true.
People on the bus start to cheer as the CN Tower comes into view. It’s happening. It’s actually happening. In a few minutes, I’m going to check off the final item on my bucket list by riding the elevator up the CN Tower. And I’m going to celebrate by making a fool of myself in front of the entire senior class.
Once again, I’m left wondering, How did I get here?
The bus pulls up to Front Street and parks. The simmering pot boils over and everyone rises, talking over one another in excitement. I remain seated, allowing the others to get off the bus first.
“Nope,” Ben says, sliding in next to me. We’re the only two students left on the bus. “You’re not doing this loner-Jamie act. Let’s go.”
I shake my head while staring into Ben’s sympathetic eyes. “I’m scared.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yes, good. Be scared. Be uncomfortable. It means you’re challenging yourself. You can’t put fear on a checklist, Jamie. You can’t write it down and cross it off. You have to live through it. You have to experience it. You have to take that risk.”
“And if I fail?” I ask.
“At least you tried. You won’t look back twenty years from now with regrets.”
I swallow and nod, looking at the boy I loved for three years. I still love him, but in a different way. “I know things were kind of messy between us for a while, but you were a really good first boyfriend and I have no regrets about that.”
Ben smiles as he rises, extending a hand. “Look at us. We did end up at the winter formal together after all.”
I stand, taking his hand. “Yeah. You, me, and your girlfriend.”
Once we step off the bus, we find Olivia in her gold dress waiting for us, shivering as she stands on the only spot on the sidewalk that isn’t covered in snow. The others have gone ahead. Ben, like some sort of prince, carries Olivia up the snow-covered steps so she doesn’t get her feet wet. I follow them toward the CN Tower. A Blue Rodeo song plays over the speakers and it stops me in my tracks. It’s a sign. It must be. The lyrics make my heart swell until I look up…
and up…
and up.
Holy shit.
What was I thinking? There’s no way I’m getting in that elevator. I want to turn back, with everything inside me, the fear having fully taken over, but I know Ben and Olivia won’t let that happen.
They wait by the glass doors and wave me over. “Come on, Jamie. It’s freezing,” Ben shouts.
I nod and step inside with tremendous buckets of hesitation. The walk is long and quiet as we make our way to the elevators. A few groups are ahead of us. As we wait our turn, I check my phone, hoping to see a text from Axel, but there isn’t one.
“Jamie! Jamie!” a deep voice calls out. I turn around to see Finn and Diesel running toward me. The elevator doors open and I tell Ben and Olivia to go ahead.
“You promise you won’t back out?” Olivia asks, her brown eyes wide.
“I’ll be there,” I assure her, even though I’m not confident I will. The elevator doors close as Finn and Diesel approach.
“Any word from Axel?” Diesel asks.
“No. You?”
“No,” Finn replies. He looks down at his phone. “What time are we supposed to go on?”
“Seven thirty,” I answer. “They’re not doing a formal dinner. Just finger foods and drinks. Olivia wanted it to be an all-night party.”
“This is sweet,” Finn says, looking around.
“So, we should head up, right?” Diesel asks.
“You two go without me,” I say.
“Axel may already be inside, for all we know,” Finn says in a tight but hopeful voice. “Let’s go see.”
“Here’s the thing,” I say, stalling to let out another shaky breath. “I am extremely claustrophobic, like more than you can even imagine, and the idea of riding in that elevator terrifies me. But I have to do it. And I have to do it alone.”
“I feel you,” Diesel says with a nod. “Being here is doing things to my fear of heights. For real.”
“And Jamie, if we get up there and Axel isn’t there, it’ll be okay. We don’t need him to put on a good show,” Finn says. “You’ve put in the work.”
“But he’s the reason I’m even doing the performance.”
“Umm, hello? Everyone with a phone will be recording us. It’ll be up all over the gram, Snapchat, and TikTok by the end of the night. The message can still get to Axel whether he’s here or not,” Finn says.
“I never thought of that,” I say, my pulse quickening. The idea of being immortalized on the internet, for more than just our senior class to see, is not something I signed up for. But then again, none of this is.
“Whatever you do, don’t chicken out!” Finn says. “And if you do, I’ll come back down and ride up with you. Just text if you decide you need someone by your side. It’s okay to ask for help.”
“That’s sweet,” I say.
The elevator doors open and the CN Tower employee ushers in Finn and Diesel. The metal doors close and I take in another deep breath.
“You planning on going up?” the employee running the elevators asks.
“Um. Yeah.” I swallow and nod at them. “I’m going up.” After another minute of waiting, the doors open and I pause. “Wait. What do I press when I’m in there?”
“I control the elevator from out here. All you have to do is enjoy the ride and view.”
“Right. Okay.” Realizing I can’t stall any longer, I step inside. My heart starts to run a marathon. Already I feel the walls closing in on me. Half the floor is made of glass and the elevator itself is comprised mostly of windows. I’m sure the view would be amazing if I didn’t want to piss myself. But hey, I did it. I’m inside. And in sixty seconds I will have officially killed the Kill-It List.
The doors begin to close and I lean back against one wall, my feet on solid ground, when the doors slowly reopen. My stomach sinks, the first cramp making its annoying appearance. Technical issues already? This can’t be a good sign. But then the scent of chicken shawarma fills the elevator, and Axel steps inside.
“Mind if I ride up with you?” he asks, his cheeks red, hair a mess. “Or is this something you wanted to do alone?”
I glance past Axel’s shoulder to see if the CN Tower employee is annoyed, but they couldn’t look less interested in what’s going on.
“Sure. I mean, I don’t want you to think I need you here but—” My breath catches. Axel blinks and his gaze meets with mine. “I want you here.”
Axel smothers a grin before stepping in farther. The doors finally close and the ride up the tower begins. My hands are balled into tight fists, my breathing steady but quick. Axel leans up against the wall opposite me, the glass floor between us.
It’s quiet and I want to ask him a million questions, but my mind is in overdrive. Minutes from now I’m supposed to get up in front of my entire senior class and…dance? What the hell made me think this was a good idea? I was so focused on Axel being here, and now that he is, it’s all wrong. It’s not at all—
A screeching noise pulls me out of my thoughts as my eyes meet with Axel’s. His deer-in-the-headlights’ expression does not bring me the comfort I’m seeking. The elevator stops, but there’s one problem—the view of Toronto is still in front of us. We’re suspended halfway up. We’re…“Are we stuck?” I ask, on the verge of hyperventilating.
Axel shakes his head. “No. There’s no way.” He straightens and eyes the panel.
“Hello?” A voice comes out over the speaker.
“We’re stuck!” I yell back.
“I understand that,” the CN Tower employee responds calmly. “This happens occasionally on windy or cold days. I’ve dispatched for help. Just stay still and remain calm.”
“How long?” I blurt out, now standing under the speaker, as if that will make a difference.
“Approximately fifteen minutes. Half an hour, tops.”
“Half an hour?” I silently mouth, frozen in place.
“If you need anything, press the red call button. I’m just below you, and you’re on camera, so we’re keeping an eye on everything. It will be over before you know it.”
“Easy for you to say with all that space and air surrounding you,” I say, my arms flying up.
“Miss, are you going to be okay in there?”
“Yes,” Axel says, his voice directly behind me. “I’ll make sure she is.”
“How?” I ask, nodding my head up and down. I know I’m losing it. I can feel myself losing it, and I know that losing it will not help with…any…thing…I…can’t…breathe.
My head drops and my knees weaken. My vision starts to blur as Axel’s arm wraps around my waist.
“Let’s sit, okay?” he says, his eyes big and trying their best to be reassuring, but how can I be reassured when I am currently living through my biggest nightmare? Except, I never imagined it happening with Axel next to me. Thank god he is. If I were in here alone, stuck…I don’t even want to let my mind go there.
I nod slightly while my breathing continues to intensify. We slide down the wall together until we’re both seated on the floor. I tuck my knees to my chest, too afraid for any part of my body to touch the glass floor.
“We could watch some TikToks,” Axel says. “To pass the time.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding again and trying very hard not to cry. I know this is a mental game, but the sharp pangs piercing through my lower stomach are very real.
He lifts his butt slightly to pull out his phone. His screen lights up to show a photo of the two of us, taken at Wonderland. He clears his throat. “I keep forgetting to change that.”
I open my purse and pull out my phone to show him my background photo. A picture of the two of us, taken at his cousin’s wedding. “Same.”
Our eyes lock and I want to tell him everything, so many things, but it’s like I can’t think straight. Not with him sitting so close. Every mistake I’ve made flashes through my mind. I’ve been so foolish. I let this person slip out of my fingers. And here he is, literally stuck with me for the next god knows how long and I can’t find the words. Again.
“Did I ah…” He exhales and runs a hand through his curls. “Did I ever, um.” He clears his throat and I study him quizzically. I’ve never seen Axel so stuck for words before. “I’m terrified of heights.”
“No, you’re not,” I say, emphatically.
“Would you like to feel my racing heart as proof?” he asks, eyebrows raised ever so slightly.
“But all the rides we went on at Wonderland. And you’ve never mentioned it before.”
“There’s varying levels of my fear and, well, being stuck halfway up the CN Tower qualifies.” He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down his throat as his eyes shift to the windows.
“Then why would you agree to perform here tonight?” I ask.
He looks down at his hands in his lap. Those hands I miss so much. I think about unspooling my sweaty fists to hold his hands in mine, but something stops me.
Something always stops me.
“I had this plan,” I say, almost abruptly.
“ You had a plan?” He manages a half-hearted laugh.
“This one was different though because it wasn’t about me,” I say, my legs now outstretched, phone tucked away in my purse. “Or for me. Okay, it was a little bit for me, but only because I wanted to make things right between us. I’ve been so miserable since we stopped speaking, and I’ve tried different ways to tell you how I feel but it was never about the words. Like you told my mom.”
He shakes his head, turning his body slightly toward mine. “What did I tell your mom?”
“That night we both came in to Shawarma Sitty to help you. I was taking out the trash, and when I came in, I overheard you tell her how you needed to be with someone who would shout their feelings for you to the world. Someone who would take risks. So when words weren’t enough, I hatched this plan with Finn and Diesel.”
“Hello.” The same disgruntled employee’s voice comes out over the speaker. We both look up. “Help is on site. New estimated time is twenty minutes.”
“Finn and Diesel?” he says to me, ignoring the update.
I suck in my lips, trying to level my breathing. Twenty minutes. I can do twenty minutes. I’ve got Axel and enough air—I think. I run a hand over my stomach. I haven’t had a cramp in a few minutes. Maybe it’s passed.
“Yeah. We met up and they helped me choreograph a dance, and the plan was for me to get up on the little stage tonight and perform with them to that Dua Lipa song. You know, the one you played in my room when you were trying to teach me how to dance? The one with numbers,” I say, shaking my head as the words come out fast and on the verge of nonsensically.
“?‘New Rules,’?” he confirms.
“Yes!” I snap. “That’s the one.”
Swirling noises sound below us as the elevator rattles slightly with the battering December winds. I squeeze my eyes shut, breathing in and out, in and out.
“I was going to get up there and dance with them, or I was going to let them dance and then I was going to get up there, I forget now,” I say, running my sweaty hands up and down my thighs. “And I was going to get a mic and I’m not sure from where but I mean, there had to be one, right? It’s not like we had a dress rehearsal. But the plan was for me to step up and start singing my own, rewritten chorus and, you know…” I nod, willing him to fill in the gaps of my rambles.
“No.” Axel leans in, trying to make me meet his gaze. “I don’t know.”
I exhale not once, not twice, but three times. “I was going to profess my love for you in front of everyone. Because that’s what you deserve. Someone who tells the world how they feel. And shows you and takes risks.” I stand quickly and open my purse to pull out the song lyrics I changed from the Dua Lipa song. My hands shake as I decide to read out the lyrics. Singing seems highly unnecessary in this moment.
“One, fake-dating plan, long drives, hold hands, official on the gram.
Two, keep seeing him, you’ll eventually fall in love again.
Three, don’t be friends with Ben, you know you’re gonna fall back into old habits…
and if you’re back with him, you’ll never find happiness.
I love Axel Da-hi-ni .
“And then I was supposed to repeat that last line three times to the tune of the song, but that feels a little awkward to do in this moment.”
I swallow, staring down at my jittery hands. Axel rises and stands so his nose almost touches mine. His familiar scent overtakes every single one of my senses and I feel my body start to relax. My shoulders lower. My heart slows. I lift my eyes to meet with his as the terrible song lyrics I wrote fall to our feet.
We’re standing on the glass floor.
“You love me?” he asks.
My throat burns as I watch his brown eyes glisten. “So much. I mean, I was willing to get on stage and sing and dance in front of people I know. For you! Not to mention…” I say, looking around the elevator and pointing down to the floor.
He laughs. “I love…that you were willing to do that, Jamie. But you don’t have to. You never had to. When I said those things to your mom, I was hurting and probably just trying to convince myself that we weren’t meant to be together. Knowing that you reached out to my best friends and somehow convinced them to teach you a dance all so you could win me back? I mean, I don’t want to compare,” he says, squaring his shoulders, “but I think this beats any plan you had to win back Ben.”
“You win, Axel. You win a million times over Ben. The way I feel about you is so different from what I felt for him. Ben made sense. With Ben I could see our entire future. I knew exactly what to expect with him and it was everything I thought I wanted. Or needed. The plans, the lists, it was all so I could have control over my life in some small way, since that had been ripped away from me at such a young age. But it was all fabricated. It was like following a script. For a while, the safety in knowing what lay ahead helped heal parts of me, enough that when you came into my life, I was ready for the real thing. The messiness of love. The fun. The ‘I have no idea what this guy is going to say or do next,’ and I love that.” I swallow and find Axel’s hands, interlocking his fingers with mine. “The thing is, I do feel calm with you. Serenity. Peace. Because you accept me for exactly who I am. And,” I say, smiling to myself, “while I may not know what our future holds or what might happen when we step off this elevator, when I’m with you, the anxiety that lives within me is a whisper.”
Axel’s grip tightens as his chest rises and falls with my words.
“Jamie, I—” The lights flicker off and on and the elevator shakes before resuming. Our bodies jolt apart as we lean against opposite walls.
Seconds later, the doors open and loud music pours into the elevator. Axel nods for me to exit first. I do, and then I inhale a large breath of air, but when I turn back to find Axel, he’s gone.
“Jamie!” Olivia calls out. “Are you okay? We heard there was an elevator that was stuck. Was that the one you were on?”
“Yes,” I say, like it was no big deal. “Where did he go?”
“Who?” she asks, looking past me.
“Axel. He was with me. We were…stuck together.”
She tilts her head and smiles. “Aww. That’s so romantic. Did you guys kiss and make up?”
“Not exactly,” I say, still searching for him.
“Ben!” Olivia yells over the music.
“For a tiny person, you’re very loud,” I say, peering down at her.
“Sorry. I’m just so excited. Are you still going to do the thing?” she asks, eyebrows raised.
“No. I don’t have to.”
“Ben,” Olivia says, pulling him into our huddle. “Jamie isn’t going to do the thing anymore.”
“You rode up the elevator,” he says, seemingly surprised to see me.
There is just way too much going on right now. Ben is beaming. Olivia is chiding. Axel has disappeared. I’m sweating under my coat. Ben must notice because he helps me remove it and Olivia brings it to the coat check person and then rejoins us.
“Have you seen Axel?” I ask him.
“Yeah. He’s by the stage with his friends.”
“Right. He’s performing,” I say, completely having forgotten that he was here for his own reasons.
“You coming in?” Olivia asks, clasping Ben’s hand.
“Yeah, I just need a minute,” I say, staying behind.
They smile as they walk away from the elevators and into the party. After a few steadying breaths, I force myself to do the same.
The CN Tower observation level is circular and surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows and mirrored ceilings. The view of Toronto is breathtaking. Especially at night. Especially covered in snow. Especially now that I’m not seeing it trapped inside an elevator.
I stand at a window, staring out. It’s a sea of different shades of blue, from the sky to the lake. Yellow lights from the highways and the structures dot the view, and tonight, the water glistens like diamonds. The buildings look like they’re part of Santa’s village (if Santa lived in a city), and the horizon is a beautiful indigo.
I remain taking in the sights, thinking about how I spent the last four months not only getting to know myself but also getting to know this amazing city.
“Toronto is beautiful at night,” Axel says, coming up next to me.
I turn to him in surprise. “I thought you had to get ready for your performance.”
“It can wait.” He smiles, and warmth spreads through me.
“Wait,” I say, studying Axel as he stands close to the floor-to-ceiling windows. “Your fear of heights.”
He looks down and laughs. “I made that up. I was just trying to distract you from your own fears. It worked. Got you talking. And talking.”
A huff of air escapes me. “What could be scarier than being stuck in an elevator with your fake ex-girlfriend who decided to declare her love for you in a terribly written song?”
“I loved it,” he says, holding up the small piece of paper with the song lyrics.
“But?” I ask, nervously waiting for Axel to tell me it’s all too little, too late.
“Do you know why I love performing so much? Because until recently, it was the only time I ever felt free. Fearless. I don’t even get afraid of messing up anymore because it’s so easy to shake it off and pretend it’s all part of the act. The adrenaline, I imagine, is like being high. You know what else feels that way?”
“No?” I ask before sucking in my lips.
“You.” His lips curl into the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. “Being with you is all those things and more. When we’re together it’s like my feet don’t even touch the ground. I get this dopey-ass grin on my face, and I keep trying to force myself to wipe it off but it won’t go away. Not whenever you’re nearby. Not when I can see your eyes sparkling back at me. A sparkle I know I helped put there. Watching you transform into the person you were always meant to be has been amazing, and soul-crushing, because I haven’t gotten to be part of it for the last few weeks.”
“How about now?” I ask, my voice quiet but drowning in hope. “Is the sparkle there now?”
“You tell me.” His mouth curves up in a half-smile/half-smirk. The way it always does before he kisses me. The electricity between us is fierce. Fierce enough to stop elevators.
“What up, Maple View?” Olivia’s voice booms over the speakers. I turn to see her on the small stage holding a mic. Everyone cheers back, but she holds up a finger to her lips to silence them. “We got off to a late start tonight with the snow and our star performer getting stuck in an elevator, but now that we’re all here, it’s time to get the party started! Axel!” Olivia yells. “Get that Arab booty up here and shake that thang.”
“Oh my god!” I say, cringing at her words, but of course, the whole class is under her spell. I don’t blame them. She’s almost as charming as Axel is.
“I guess I’m needed,” he says in that cocky way I’ve learned to love. Axel slips away, and I watch as he huddles with Finn and Diesel for a moment before speaking to the DJ.
My eyes meet with both Finn’s and Diesel’s as I approach the stage. They smile and Finn leans down to me. “You joining us?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head and pulling at my earlobe. “I, uh, did my part earlier. The stage belongs to the three of you.”
Finn nods with a wide grin as he steps into place.
The music begins and Axel, Finn, and Diesel dance together. They have the entire senior class enraptured by their performance. Seeing Axel doing what he loves again, this time with his friends at his side, fills me with so much pride and happiness, my face hurts. In a way, I’m glad I got stuck in that elevator. It saved me from getting up there tonight and taking the spotlight away from him. Dancing is his thing, and I don’t have to make it mine. But it isn’t lost on me that I did tell Axel I loved him, more than once, and he has yet to directly respond.
Maybe he won’t. And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe—
Axel hops off the stage and stands face-to-face with me.
“You’re incredible,” I say, grinning like a fool in love. Axel starts speaking, but the clapping and hollering around us drowns out his words. I shake my head, pointing to my ears, mouthing, “I can’t hear you.”
The music cuts out at the exact moment Axel shouts, “I love you too!”
Silence follows for a moment before a collective aww sweeps the area. The next song begins, and the attention that was on us floats back to the stage as Finn and Diesel perform without Axel.
My mouth opens slightly as I stand in place, unsure of what to do or say next, sweaty bodies bumping against us.
“Jamie,” Axel says, snapping his fingers in front of my face. “You high again?”
I smile. “Maybe a little. Could you repeat yourself?”
Axel laughs and stands so we’re nose to nose. He tips his forehead to mine, staring right into my eyes. Finn and Diesel continue to dance on stage behind us while the party resumes around us. But Axel and I may as well be in our own world.
“Jamie T-F, I love you more than I love shawarma sandwiches. More than I love Betty White. More than I love dancing.”
“Does this mean you’ll be my real boyfriend?” I ask, holding back the very strong urge to kiss him right here.
Axel rubs the tip of his nose with mine, smiling that irresistible smile, and I’m a goner. There’s no holding back. I bring my lips to his and kiss him with everything inside me. All the doubt, pain, fear, love, joy, hope I’ve been holding onto for the last four months, for my entire life, is released with what is probably the best kiss of my life…well, maybe it ties with the kiss under the rainbow, and all the ones that followed.
Because every kiss with Axel has been the best kiss of my life.
Feeling his arms around me, the warmth of his body, his scent, fills me back up. This moment is not something I could have ever put on a list. It’s not something that can be contrived. It’s spontaneous. It’s unpredictable. It’s real. It’s now.
It’s love.
And no check mark can compete with that feeling.
We pull apart and Axel grins. “You have a funny way of showing your feelings.”
“Someone said that to me once,” I say, rubbing the tip of my nose with his again.
“Do we need to sit down and discuss the terms and conditions of our union?” Axel asks.
“To be quite honest with you, I’ve had it with contracts, rules, and stipulations.”
“Does that make you a free agent? Because I may have a problem with that,” he says, squinting at me.
“I guess there’s room to negotiate,” I say.
“I’m very good at negotiating.”
“Axel,” Finn shouts from the stage as a new song begins.
“My people are demanding to see me,” he says, before planting a fast kiss on my lips and getting on stage with his friends. They dance to “How Dare You Want More” by Bleachers and the entire senior class hops up and down, singing along, except me.
As the chorus plays, the lyrics speak to me in a way they probably wouldn’t have months ago. When a song was just a song. Then Axel forced me to slow down and really listen to the words. I did dare to want more. But the “more” I was after was all about checking items off a list without stopping to enjoy any of the experiences. It was constantly moving goal posts. Being with Axel taught me to enjoy all the moments—big and small—in real time. The roller coasters, the dancing, the falling in love, forgiveness, and moving forward without leaving others behind.
“Jamie,” Axel calls from the stage, his arm extended. He has the most adorable look on his face. I take his hand and pull him off the stage to where I’m standing. He stumbles slightly and wraps his arms around me to ground himself. Finn and Diesel continue dancing on stage, no apparent choreography anymore. Just freestyling it like everyone else.
“I changed my mind,” I say, shouting over the music again.
“About what?” Axel asks.
“I think we do need some new rules.”
“Hit me,” he says, as the stage fills up with people dancing and filming themselves and one another.
“Rule one,” I say, fighting back a smile. “You need to call me out when I’m being hard-headed.”
“I can do that.” He crosses his arms over this chest. “Next.”
“Rule two: you must also embrace my chaotic energy. And yes, that means you will sometimes have to cancel out rule one.”
“Got it.” He nods, trying but failing to keep a serious expression.
“Rule three—and this is a big one: if you can’t agree to this then I don’t think we have a future,” I say, sucking in my lips to fight a grin. “No matter how terrible or embarrassing I am, I get to be your number-one dance partner.”
Axel shakes his head and then nods. “I don’t only agree to that rule,” he says, before uncrossing his arms and pulling me toward him, “I insist on it.”
We kiss with the music blasting above us, our entire senior class dancing around us, and the most spectacular view of Toronto surrounding us.
“Last rule,” I say, pulling apart slightly from Axel. “You have to always kiss me like that.”
“Hey, did you know ‘kiss’ means to touch with the lips as a sign of love, and also, in billiards it means a slight touch of a ball against another ball?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Stop talking about balls and kiss me.”
“You drive a hard bargain, James,” Axel says, before leaning in.
“I want a picture,” Olivia shouts, breaking up our very public display of affection.
We turn to face Olivia, and Axel slips his arm around my waist. Butterflies. Millions of them.
“Say Betty White!” Olivia commands with a knowing wink.
“May I?” Ben asks Olivia, holding out his hand. She lifts her shoulders slightly before passing him her phone.
“Smile,” Ben says, positioning the phone to capture the moment. Instead of facing the camera, Axel and I stare at one another, but we do hold up one end of Ben’s request. We are most certainly smiling. In fact, I’m pretty sure my eyes are tiny slits from grinning so widely, but my eyes will still be big enough to know. Big enough to know, when I stare back at this photo a month from now—or years from now—exactly how I felt and what I was thinking.