Page 21 of You Started It
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Step one in getting over Axel: give Ben a second chance. Second chances. Seems to be the theme lately, so why not? It is what I wanted, according to my notebook. Written down, in ink, and so it must be true.
Right?
Right?
I guess.
In order to get the ball rolling on this whole getting over Axel thing, I need to tie up all loose ends, like paying Axel the money I owe him to repair Betty White.
I managed to make sixty dollars tutoring Ben. That combined with the hundred and twenty dollars I have left in my bank account still leaves me short seventy-five dollars. I glance at my beautiful bookshelf. Expensive hardcovers. Special editions. Signed author copies. I know what I have to do.
I take photos of two of my most prized possessions and post them to our school’s “Buy and Sell” Discord group. If I can get fifty dollars for each book, I’ll be able to e-transfer Axel the money and close the chapter on us.
Instead of staring at my phone, waiting for someone to buy my book babies, I decide to tackle something I’ve been putting off for far too long: cleaning my bedroom. Now that Ben and I are trying to make things work between us, I figure I should put in the effort to create a more inviting space for him. A clean slate. A fresh start.
We can’t move forward if I follow the same patterns as before.
Anxiety whirs under my skin as I glance around my room and see how much work it needs. The clothes on the floor alone overwhelm me. I’ll just do what the organization TikToker Eli follows suggested. Make one pile for laundry. One for donations. The rest I’ll fold and/or hang up in my closet. After that, I’ll clear all surfaces and wipe them down. Clutter. It just distracts you. Makes it hard to focus. The TikTok person said clutter makes anxiety worse. I never saw it that way personally, but maybe I’ll try their method out, since whatever it is I’m doing doesn’t seem to be working.
Why is this so hard?
I can find the derivative of any given function in calculus, but the sight of dirty laundry and stacks of books paralyzes me.
I must push through.
With holey socks in one hand and old notebooks in the other, I take a deep breath and put them both down. Music. That’s what I need.
My music app is pathetically sparse. I haven’t ever curated any playlists. That’s never been my thing. I like music but I don’t worship it like Axel does. For him, music is a religious experience. I lie in bed on some propped-up pillows and decide to create a playlist to help me clean. It takes longer than I thought, since I don’t always know the names of the songs or artists and I end up having to google the lyrics I do remember. By the time I’m done, I have a playlist of twenty-three songs.
Most of which Axel introduced me to.
All of which remind me of him.
I turn on my Bluetooth speaker and hit Play.
The first song comes on. “Baby” by Justin Bieber. This is the song Axel chose for his Wonderland performance under the rainbow. The first time I truly noticed how talented he was. By the time the song is over, I’ve sorted through all the clothes on my floor.
As I alphabetize my novels, “New Rules” by Dua Lipa plays. This is the song he chose for our first dance lesson, right here in my room.
Beauty products. I bet these brushes could use a wash. I raise the volume so I can hear the music while I clean the brushes in the bathroom down the hall. “Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes comes on, and without realizing, I bop my head along with the song as I rub cleanser into my brushes. Butterflies flip around in my stomach as I think about the intense eye contact Axel served me while dancing to this song in front of the fountains and the entire senior class.
Back in my room with Windex and paper towels, “Adventure of a Lifetime” plays. With a bare bedroom floor, I do the dabke alone, laughing on the outside at how terrible I am and aching on the inside because that moment seems like it was so long ago. I was so happy that night. Free. I danced in front of other people and didn’t even care.
Then “Lost Together” by Blue Rodeo comes on and that’s when I lose it completely. I fall into bed. Tears prick through my eyes and I cry remembering how safe I felt in Axel’s arms at the concert. How the cool rain danced on our warm bodies. How important and special it felt being on the receiving end of his eyes. Those eyes. Sometimes intense. Sometimes silly. But whenever his eyes were on me, nothing else mattered. With one look, he made me feel like the most important person in his world. That’s not something I get to experience often. Or ever.
Axel—even though we were technically fake-dating—made me feel like I was his entire universe and his best friend.
What did I do? I pushed him away and into the arms of my nemesis.
I sit up and glance around my almost sterile bedroom. This isn’t me. This isn’t the person I was when I was with Axel. I was messy. Chaotic. Emotional. I was me. And Axel liked that person. A lot.
Screw it. I’m going to text Axel and ask if we can talk. We’re good at talking. Communication has never been our issue. I need to stop getting in the way of us. Just as I’m about to start typing my message to him, I receive a notification from the “Buy and Sell” Discord. Someone wants to buy my books, and they’re willing to transfer me the money now.
I message back and forth with MartyMcFlyWishes, who is pretty elusive but quickly transfers the money into my account. When I reply asking where I should drop the books off, they tell me they’ll get back to me later with a date and time.
Weird but whatever.
I place the two sold books on my desk, running a hand over the covers. Regardless of what is going on with Axel and me, I should pay him back now that I have all the money. I open my bank app and transfer Axel the entire two hundred and twenty-five dollars.
Maybe when he sees the alert, he’ll call or text me. I lay back in bed and stare at my phone, waiting to see a message come through. A few minutes later I receive a text alert: Alexander Dahini accepted your money transfer.
My stomach twists as I wait for another alert.
Seconds pass.
Then minutes.
I’m doing that thing where I pick at my fingernails and chew my lips. I’m only made aware of this because I taste blood. Instead of letting the anxiety monster take over, I decide to kill time by crossing off the last items on my cleaning to-do list.
But then an hour passes and still nothing from Axel.
It’s too late.
He’s already started to move on.
No second chance for us.
Instead, I’ll settle on being someone else’s second choice.
It’s surprisingly easy to revert to old routines. Instead of picking Axel up for school, I pick up Ben. Instead of having lunch with Axel, I have lunch with Ben. Instead of spending all my free time with Axel, I spend it with Ben. We do our homework together—like old times. Watch TV on Amo Eli’s couch—like we used to. Ben talks about our future. Unlike old times, I just listen. When he tries to hold my hand, I resist. I’m not there yet.
Maybe it isn’t so easy reverting to all old habits.
We’re two weeks into November and the winter formal is just over a month away. Every night I promise myself I’ll tell Ben I don’t want to go to the formal with him (or do anything else with him), but selfishly, when the sun rises, I can’t bring myself to do it. Because the truth is, being with Ben is easier than being alone. If I’m alone, I’ll have to face the grief of losing Axel. It’s like I’m stuck inside the same episode of a TV show that keeps repeating itself and the only way out is if I make a decision: commit or go. But I can’t seem to do either. So I just hit Play again at the end of the episode, hoping that the situation will figure itself out.
It doesn’t.
It’s Friday night and I’m heading out to pick Ben up for another date. Dinner and a movie. I’m on the front bench tying my boots when the door opens. Eli walks in and leaves the door wide open, clearly not seeing me behind it.
“Come in. She’s not here,” he says.
“Nah. I’m good.”
Axel.
“Just for a minute. I want to show you something,” Eli insists.
I sit frozen on the bench, with one boot on, as Axel steps inside. He closes the door and they both spot me.
“Oh. Jamie. I didn’t think you’d be home,” my uncle says, a little quirk in his lips.
“My car is outside. Where did you think I’d be?” I ask, my eyes darting between his and Axel’s.
“I thought maybe you were on a run or something.” Amo Eli winks at me, then nods his head back at Axel. He seems to think he’s being slick but he’s as smooth as a porcupine’s butt.
“You wanted to show me something?” Axel asks, his voice low. I study his hands, wanting so badly to hold them in mine. His lips. Wanting so badly to press mine up against his. His eyes. Wanting so badly for him to look at me and make me feel like the most important person in his universe one more time. But he doesn’t.
“Ah. Yes. I’ll be right back.” Amo Eli slides off his shoes and heads up the steps to his bedroom. He shuts the door behind him, leaving me and Axel in the quiet and empty foyer.
“I don’t think he’s coming back,” I say as I rise from the bench, a little lopsided with just the one boot on. I swallow to muster up the nerve to keep going. “How have you been?”
He shrugs. “Fine.”
He still won’t look at me.
“I wanted to tell you,” I say, getting in front of Axel, “my dad came by after that night at Kit’s. We talked. For a while actually. Hashed things out. Laid everything on the table. He came over last weekend too. The three of us had dinner together. There was a lot I didn’t know about the situation. We’re working toward rebuilding our relationship, and it’s all thanks to you.” I try again to make eye contact after getting out my rambling updates. “Things with my mom have even been pretty good too.”
Axel nods. “I’m happy for you.”
My jaw clenches and I struggle to get out my next words. “I’m sorry for losing it on you and ditching you at Kit’s. And for not taking your calls or answering your texts. I’m sorry for all of it.” When he still won’t meet my gaze, I grab both his hands and practically shake him. “Would you look at me?”
“No, Jamie. I won’t look at you.”
“Why not?”
“I screwed up. I admit that and I apologized. I thought after some time and space you’d come and speak to me when you were ready. But instead, you ran right back to Ben and I had to hear about it from Olivia.” He peels his hands away from mine.
“No. That’s not true.” Light heart palpitations make the room spin. He’s got it wrong. I need to explain myself better but I don’t know where to start or what to say.
“I’ve got to go. I have plans.”
“You have plans?” I ask, my stomach lurching as the image of Olivia leaving Axel’s home plays in my mind. “With who? Olivia?”
“Yeah.” He pauses and his eyes meet with mine for a fleeting moment, confirming my worst fears.
My mouth opens but I remain silent as Axel walks out the front door.
And out of my life.