Page 26 of You Started It

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

After our hot chocolates, Olivia drives me home from the mall. It’s surreal being inside the car that has become synonymous with someone I thought I had strong feelings of dislike for.

“Oh no,” she says as she drives onto Ben’s driveway and parks. “I wasn’t thinking and drove to Ben’s before dropping you off. I’ll take you home,” she says, her hand on the gear shift.

“It’s okay,” I say, glancing at Axel’s house. “I can walk from here. It’s not that cold today.”

“You sure?”

I nod and toss her a genuine smile. “Yeah. I appreciate the help with the dress and the ride and bouncing ideas around with me and…the other thing.”

“My pleasure. And see?” she says, grinning. “It pays to have friends in high places. Or at least the social committee.” The word friend hangs in the air between us like my uncle’s scent after he returns home from a shift at Shawarma Sitty in July. “I mean, acquaintance. If friends is too strong a word?” Olivia asks with hesitation.

“Actually,” I say, sitting up. “The word ‘friend’ has multiple meanings. There’s the obvious definition: a person you like who you enjoy being with. Or a person who helps or supports you in a cause. And then there’s ‘Friend,’ capital F. A member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light and rejects sacraments and opposes war. Also known as a Quaker.”

Olivia scrunches up her perfect brows before basically snorting. “Maybe just the first two?” she says.

“You enjoy spending time with me?” I ask.

“So far,” she replies. “I was kind of threatened by you when I was with Ben. I think it’s because I only saw how different we were and figured if he spent three years with you, then he’d learn quickly I wasn’t the right fit for him.”

“I was kind of hoping that too for a time,” I say, feeling a blush rise.

She laughs again. “I like how honest you are. And yeah, I think we do qualify as friends. At least two of three definitions. I’m Catholic,” she says, a smile tugging at her lips.

“Then it’s settled. We’re friends.” I nod. “I guess I’ll DM you when I hear back from the others?”

“Give me your phone,” she says, and I oblige by placing it in her manicured hand. She adds her number and name under Contacts and then sends a text from my phone to hers. “There. Now we’re in each other’s phones.”

“Is this today’s equivalent to blood brothers…or shall I say sisters?”

“You have an interesting way of seeing things, you know that?” she asks as we get out of her car.

“Yes. It’s why you’re my only friend.” Olivia snorts and I snort back in solidarity as I head down Ben’s driveway.

“Good luck. I know they’ll say yes,” she hollers from Ben’s porch.

“Thanks.” I put down my bag and pull out my phone, implementing part two of my plan to get Axel back. I always feel creepy sliding into people’s DMs, but it’s all for the greater good.

“Jamie?” Ben calls from behind just as I finish typing my message. I hit Send and turn around. Ben jogs over to meet me at the end of his driveway, Olivia already inside.

“What’s up?” I ask. “Oh my god. You finally cut your hair.”

He blushes as he runs his fingers over his short tresses.

“Yeah. I did it as an act of protest after everything blew up.” His eyes find mine, and with his hair short again, he looks like the old Ben. But he doesn’t feel like him. “You really didn’t like the longer hair?” he asks, squinting at me.

“On you, short is better. In my opinion. Which,” I chuckle, “clearly bears no weight anymore.” An awkward silence stretches between us as we struggle to make eye contact. “I…I didn’t mean that in a snarky way. Just that I’ve finally accepted that it’s over between us.”

He nods, tucking his hands into his pockets, and I can’t quite read his eyes. Are they relieved? A little sad? Maybe both? “Hey, we had a pretty good run.”

“We did,” I say.

He opens his mouth to say something and closes it about three times before the words finally come out. “I should have been up-front with you from the start. Instead of telling you about my growing feelings for Olivia, I spent more time with her behind your back hoping it was just a small crush and that by the time summer was over, I’d be over her. But then I slipped up. That’s not who I am,” he says, his eyebrows in a sad little frown. “I’m not someone who cheats. Or at least, I wasn’t. And I think the reason I didn’t want you to find out is because then it would be like admitting that yeah, I am that guy.”

“I’m more upset that you lied to me about it than anything,” I tell him. “You made me feel like I was making it all up in my head, but I couldn’t ignore my gut. It also made me doubt everything else. Our whole relationship. And that’s kind of a crappy feeling, you know? To think that our time together wasn’t real.”

He shakes his head. “The three years we spent together were great. Amazing.” It’s quiet again. I don’t really know what to say back to that, so I just look at Ben and nod. “I really did love you, Jamie. You were my first love. My first kiss. I didn’t set out to be with Olivia. She’s so different but it just…”

“Happened. Believe me, I get it.” We both smile, then look away. “So you guys are back together?”

His eyes shine. “Yeah. Wait, is that hard for you to hear? I can stop talking about it.”

“No. It’s fine. Olivia’s not that bad,” I say, scraping my shoe against the curb. “In fact, she’s pretty great.”

“Is that your seal of approval?”

“Does it matter what I think?” I ask.

“Yeah. It does. You’re the smartest person I know.”

I poke his chest. “And don’t you forget it.”

Ben drags a foot over the ground before looking up at me. “Even if we’d never met Olivia or Axel, I think eventually we would have broken up. I saw you with Axel, Jamie. You legit looked lit from within when you were together. I couldn’t give you that.”

My throat starts to constrict, but I swallow down the burn. “I think I might be ready to try being friends with you.”

“Honestly, nothing would make me happier. Can we…hug it out?” he asks, eyebrows raised in hope.

“Sure. We can hug it out.”

Ben and I exchange our first hug in months and it feels good, but different. Kind of like putting on an old comfortable sweater I like but would never wear in public.

We release one another, each taking a tentative step back. “I guess I’ll head back inside so you can go see Axel. Your ‘fake’ boyfriend,” he says teasingly.

I want to retort that I have no plans to see Axel but that would be a lie, so I just say thanks before picking up my things and continuing on my way. I don’t even know why I’m walking to Axel’s house. It’s not like I have anything to say. I just want to see him. Maybe I’m hoping that will be enough and then I won’t have to follow through on this plan that could potentially blow up in my face and ruin me socially.

No big deal.

I walk up the steps to his front door and take in a deep breath before knocking. The door opens a few seconds later. Axel stands in the doorway dressed in a blue hoodie and gray sweats. He looks so warm and cozy. I imagine an alternate timeline where I’m here to watch a movie but instead all we do is make out. The most heartbreaking thing about this fantasy is it could have been true if I hadn’t gone and screwed it all up with my fiery temper and predisposed inclination to be a stubborn ass.

“Hey,” I say. “I was just in the neighborhood.” God. Is that the best I could come up with?

“Visiting Ben?”

“Ben? No.” I shake my head. “That’s long over.”

“Then why did I see the two of you hugging on his driveway a few minutes ago?”

Okay, this is not off to a good start. “We were making up,” I say, the words coming out quickly. “But as friends. He and Olivia are back on.”

Axel doesn’t respond.

“No seriously,” I say, nodding with wide eyes. “They’re going to the formal together. Which, by the way, I hear you’re performing at.”

Axel sighs and runs a hand through his curls. “The social committee begged me to. I eventually caved, but to be honest, I’m not really feeling it.”

“I’ve noticed you haven’t posted any new TikToks lately,” I say, trying to keep my shaky hands still.

He shrugs, looking past my shoulder. “Haven’t felt inspired to.”

“Maybe you can talk Finn and Diesel into performing with you at the formal. It might help to have some friends on stage.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” he says with an approving nod, warming up ever so slightly. “So, will you be there?”

I look down at the shopping bag in my hand and slide it out of view. “I haven’t decided. I don’t have a date and, well, the venue itself leaves much to be desired.”

When the silence between us drags on, I take a step closer and go on. “I really liked you, Axel.”

“Yeah. I really liked you too.”

“I guess I need to make this clearer.” I put my bag down and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I think I was falling in love with you and it scared me. I’d been down that road before and it ended in heartache. It always seems to end in heartache when I open myself up to someone. When you orchestrated that reunion with my father, I felt blindsided, like I did when Ben dumped me. I know it’s not the same but it’s how I felt, and the way I reacted was wrong. I think I was just trying to protect myself.”

“Okay,” Axel says, nodding.

“And when I thought you and Olivia were getting close it felt like the ultimate betrayal.”

“It’s not what you think,” he replies.

“I know. I spoke with Olivia. She explained everything.”

“Huh,” Axel says, taking a step back. “You listened to Olivia, but you wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to explain?”

“I was too angry and hurt to hear you. It’s one of my worst habits. Letting my emotions override clear thinking. I say and do things I shouldn’t. And I’m sorry. I’m really trying to work on it.”

“Do you know what it’s like to always feel as if I come in last place with you?”

I scratch at my temple, then rake my fingers through my hair. “What do you mean?”

“Whenever we were together it was about how much you hated your mom and Olivia. How annoying your uncle was. How much you missed Ben, and your dad. I was never a priority, Jamie. Even worse, you felt the need to remind me time and time again that we were just a business arrangement, constantly dangling the contract in front of me. And just now, you took the time to listen to your sworn enemy over someone you claim to be falling in love with. I’ve never been enough for you.”

“No. You’ve got it all wrong, Axel.”

“And now you’re invalidating my feelings. When we were together, fake or not, I tried to bring you into my life by introducing you to my family and my friends. I put you above everyone else. And you couldn’t do the same for me. Not even a little. Relationships are supposed to be give and take. The truth is, we were never balanced. I always liked you more than you liked me.”

“That’s not true. I was just afraid.”

“Of what?”

Of letting you in. Of facing heartbreak again. Of experiencing the greatest love. A love I never thought I would get to experience. A love I didn’t think I deserved. I don’t say the words out loud because I don’t want to make this about me. It’s about us. Why can’t we get it right?

“I understand why you felt the way you did. Do. I’m not discounting that,” I say. “But you’re all I think about now. I miss you. I want to be with you.” I take a step toward him, breathing in his scent, wanting so badly for him to hold my hands. “I love…”

“No.” He shakes his head. “Don’t say it. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

My phone buzzes in my back pocket. I grab it to a see a message from Mom asking where I am. “I have to go,” I say, hearing the defeat in my voice. “My grandparents are over for dinner. For the first time ever.”

“That’s great,” Axel says, his smile small and reserved.

“If I don’t get to see you perform next weekend, break a leg. I’m sure you’ll be great. You always are when you’re doing what you love.”

“Thanks,” he says, his eyes meeting with mine briefly.

“Take care, Axel,” I say before picking up my bag and turning to leave.

“You can keep your books.”

I turn back. “My books?”

“Yeah.” He grins. “Marty McFly doesn’t need them.”

My mouth falls open as I process this reveal. “It was you?” I ask.

He raises his shoulders slightly. “I didn’t like the idea of you selling your books just so you could pay me back. They mean too much to you.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“You’re welcome.” Our eyes meet and I wait for Axel to say something else. When he doesn’t, I turn back around to leave.

“Later, James.”

I pause at the end of his porch, warmth spreading through me as a secret smile dances on my lips.

Maybe we aren’t completely broken.

“So?” I ask Mom. We’re at the kitchen sink. She’s washing, I’m drying. “How do you feel?”

“So?” Eli asks, coming into the kitchen, carrying dirty espresso cups. “How do you feel?”

“I think it went well,” I say, nodding at my uncle.

“I think so too,” he says, placing the cups in the sink.

“Are either of you going to give me a chance to answer?” Mom asks, turning off the water. “I think it went well.”

We all laugh, and I return to drying dishes as Mom and Eli each pull up a seat at the table.

“They seemed really proud of you. And,” I say, looking back at Eli, “they even asked about Eric. That was nice.”

“And surprising,” Eli says, raising his brows.

“Very. Maybe they’ve grown more liberal in their old age,” Mom replies.

“Or maybe,” I say, putting away the last dish, “they’ve come to realize life is too short to spend it being angry at people just because they decide to live their life in a way that you might not understand. A lesson for all of us,” I say, looking at them smugly as I join them at the table. “I’m glad you came around. Because even if you hadn’t, I’d planned to reach out. They’re my family, too, and I deserve a chance to get to know them and where I come from.”

Mom nods and reaches across the table for my hand. “You’re right.”

“Maybe I should create a Teta and Sedo bucket list and add a bunch of things we can do together. Did you know your mom is the one who made the Palestinian tapestries that hang in their home? It’s called tatreez. And no, I don’t have a homograph for that word.”

“I knew that,” Amo Eli says. “Maybe Mom can do a lesson for all of us when we visit on Christmas Eve.”

Mom’s eyes grow glossy as she swallows repeatedly. “I can’t believe how many Christmas Eve dinners we’ve missed with them,” she says, shaking her head. “I regret so many of the decisions I’ve made. It’s kind of embarrassing how much and how often I’ve screwed up our lives.”

“You did what you thought you had to,” I reply with a shrug. “I’m guilty of the same. Besides, you didn’t turn Dad into an alcoholic. As for Teta and Sedo, let’s just be happy that they’re still here and we have time to get to know each other—again and for the first time. Don’t be too hard on yourself,” I say, looking at Mom, who is now blinking back tears. “You brought us to Amo’s. You weren’t too stubborn to ask for help when you needed it. And Amo, you helped us both rebuild. Even if I don’t always show it, I love living here.”

“Aww.” Amo Eli brings a hand to his heart and tilts his head. “And I love having you spicy gals here. Even though one of you leaves hair clippings everywhere she goes and the other one’s room looks like a tsunami rolled through, having you both here has forced me to stop being such a lone wolf and embrace the chaos. If I hadn’t, I never would have agreed to go on that first date with Eric. I needed an excuse to leave this estrogen-filled home.”

“Ooooooh, Eric,” Mom and I say in unison.

“Oh, shut up or I’ll start making you pay rent!”

“Okay, okay.” Mom laughs. “I do have a serious question, though. For Jamie. How would you feel about inviting Dad over here for Christmas dinner?”

Amo Eli and I lock eyes in surprise.

“Go for it,” I say. “May as well invite the Camerons while you’re at it. Eric, too, of course.”

“The Camerons?” Mom asks.

“I thought Benjamin was canceled,” Amo Eli says.

“He was. Now he isn’t. We’re going to try to do the friend thing.”

“Look at the two of you ladies,” Eli says. “Continuing to evolve. I didn’t think it was possible, seeing how hard-headed you both are.”

“Hey, Mom,” I say, raising a brow. “It’s been a while since Amo had his hair cut. Why don’t you grab your scissors while I hold him down?”

“Who needs hairdressing scissors. I’ll just use the kitchen shears.”

Amo Eli pushes back his chair and jolts up, stretching his arms out in defense. “Don’t you dare. You know I only trust Alejandro.”

“Okay, now you’re definitely in for it,” I say.

“You’ve been seeing Alejandro behind my back?” Mom asks, pretending to be offended.

Amo Eli runs out of the room and Mom chases after him. Just as I’m about to follow and see which geriatric millennial wins the battle, my phone lights up.

I pick it up to see a response from both Finn and Diesel. We’re in.

I bite down on my lip, heart racing, blood rushing—but in a good way. Guess there’s no turning back now.