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CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

GHOSTS ON THE FIELD

BOWIE

The locker room always smells the same—sweat and the faint tang of antiseptic from the trainers’ area. I’m back in the fray of football season, taping my wrists, pulling on gear, running through plays in my head. The Mustangs are off to a great start this season. The defense is clicking, and the coaches are pleased. By all accounts, I should be riding high on the excitement of the turnaround this season.

And I am. But it’s different now. Every time I say goodbye to Poppy and Becca, I feel a tug in my chest. Becca’s happier than ever, having Poppy with her when I can’t be, but I miss them so much. When I’m suiting up before a game, I think about how Becca might be playing with her new dinosaur figurines or playing in the yard with Poppy. Staying in yet another hotel room with cookie-cutter art on the walls is a glaring contrast to Poppy’s laughter ringing from the kitchen, or the sound of Becca’s voice.

It’s a new kind of homesickness, one I haven’t experienced to this level. I’ve always been a bit detached, my heart with Becca, but now, no matter how much I try to focus on the next opponent, part of me is back home.

We do what we can to stay connected. After I’ve done all the interviews and showered up, I find a quiet corner and FaceTime Poppy. She picks up and there’s Becca’s face, too close to the camera at first, so all I see is a swirl of her hair. Then she adjusts the angle and I get the full picture. Poppy’s leaning against a pillow, her baby bump more pronounced now, and there’s a look in her eyes that says she misses me too.

“Great game,” she says, smiling wide.

“It was a tough matchup, but we did it.”

Becca pokes her head back in view, waving a tiny T-Rex. “This is Bobo.”

“Bobo, huh? Good choice. You taking good care of him?”

Becca nods solemnly. “He thinks broccoli is yucky.”

Poppy laughs. “He takes after Becca that way.”

Becca makes a blech sound and I laugh. “Broccoli’s not that bad. You should keep trying it.” I stare at them for a second. It’s small moments like these that I crave. I get snapshots when I’m gone and it just doesn’t feel like enough. “I miss you guys,” I say.

“We miss you,” Poppy says, her voice wistful .

“I’ll call you when I get to the hotel.” We typically fly back after a game, but since we’re in New York, we’re leaving in the morning.

They blow kisses and I hang up feeling that ache, counting the hours until I’m back home, wrapping an arm around Poppy’s waist and crouching down so Becca can jump on my back.

I walk out and try to shake the melancholy before I get on the bus. The guys are having a heyday with my lovesick self. When we get to the hotel, I think about taking a walk. Sometimes I need to wind down after a game and just regroup.

“Bowie.” It’s a voice I thought I’d never hear again.

I turn, and there she is. Adriane. She’s standing near the entrance of the hotel. Her hair’s shorter than I remember, her face fuller. She smiles and my gut twists. I wouldn’t expect to still know her at all, but I recognize the look on her face instantly. The look that says she thinks she can walk back into my life and pick up where we left off. My stomach knots tighter.

“What are you doing here?” My voice comes out rougher than I intended.

The last time we spoke was a lifetime ago. She left me without a backward glance, leaving me to raise Becca alone, leaving me to grieve the loss of what I thought we had.

She steps forward, hands spread as if to show she’s harmless. “When I heard you were playing here, I had to see you,” she says, as if she didn’t turn my world upside down.

Before I can back away, she’s hugging me. My arms stay at my sides, refusing to return the embrace. The scent of her perfume is cloying and I back away. She stumbles a little and looks up at me, looking slightly hurt.

“You look good,” she says, her voice low. “Really good.” Her hand tries to settle on my chest, but I step out of reach. She lost access to me a long time ago and I’m not giving her the satisfaction of pretending like everything’s okay. She doesn’t miss it, but I see desire in her eyes anyway…like old habits can just resume if she pushes hard enough.

My teeth grind. “What were you hoping to accomplish by coming tonight, Adriane?” I ask bluntly, cutting through the bullshit.

Her lips twist into a hurt expression. “Just time with you. I miss you, Bowie.” Her voice dips to something smoother, softer, and there was a time when I would’ve caved.

Those days are long gone.

“I’ve never found anything close to what we had. I follow you enough online to know you’ve never married anyone either…” She takes a step closer. “I’d love to catch up, spend a little time?—”

Her audacity shocks me. She has no right to speak as if she knows my heart or my life, and she certainly has no right to want access to any of it.

“I am far from single,” I tell her, each word precise. “I have found love, Adriane. True love. Beyond anything you and I ever experienced.”

There. I said it, and I mean it. Poppy and Becca’s faces smiling at me through the phone screen comes to mind and I feel another rush of love for the woman who has accepted my daughter with open arms.

Adriane’s eyes widen, and I’m stunned to see pain there. As if she can’t fathom that I’ve moved on. As if I should’ve been waiting around for the day she suddenly decided she missed me.

“Bowie—”

“I find it ironic that you haven’t said a single word about Becca. That you’d want to, what—go down memory lane with me? Have sex with me tonight to get another fix? When you have a chance to ask me how our daughter’s doing, what she’s into these days.” I shake my head, hands falling to my hips. “Unbelievable.”

Her mouth parts.

“You don’t get to do this. You made your choices. And there is no part of me that wants anything to do with you.”

“Bowie?” Rhodes calls behind me. “There you are. We’re having a nightcap, man. Everyone’s—” He pauses when he sees who I’m talking to.

I glance back at Adriane. Her lips tremble and it doesn’t pull me in even a little bit.

“Don’t ever contact me again, Adriane.” I turn and walk toward Rhodes, leaving Adriane behind for good.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I could probably play another game right now, with all this adrenaline inside me,” I say. “She’s got some fucking nerve.”

“What did she want?”

“Me.”

“ Fuck. You’re not…you’re not tempted by that, are you?” He sounds worried and I pause, turning toward him.

“Fuck, no. What I felt for Adriane, even during our best times…there’s no comparison to what I feel for Poppy. I am so in love with that woman,” I trail off.

He grips my shoulder and beams. “Thank fuck. That’s what I wanted to hear,” he says, shaking me slightly. “Put a ring on her finger, man.”

“I just might do that,” I say.

His eyes light up and he smirks. “See, when someone else says that, I’d think maybe…maybe not. But when you say that, I know that you’re thinking about it…a lot.”

Like every hour of every day.

But I just smirk right back at him. “Maybe, maybe not. ”

He groans and tries to pull me into a headlock, but I’m too fast for him.

“I wish we were flying out tonight,” I say.

More than ever, I want Poppy to know that she is it for me. I can’t wait to get home to her and spend the rest of our lives proving it.

“Me too.” He sighs. “Me too.”

I talk to Poppy briefly when I get back to the room, but she’s so sleepy that we don’t stay on long. I don’t tell her about Adriane. I’ll wait and tell her about it in person. It’s really a non-issue, and I never thought I’d be able to say that.

But I’m not the man Adriane left behind.

I don’t even still wish for Becca to have a relationship with her. Now that I know how adored Becca is from the other people in her life, Poppy being at the top of that list, my daughter is taken care of. She’s accepted, she’s loved, and that has all been no thanks to Adriane. She will never dim our light again.