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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THE SHADOWS

BOWIE

The cemetery is peaceful, quiet except for the rustle of wind through the trees. I feel stiff as I stand near the casket, my hands clenched at my sides. We had the funeral at Elle’s dad’s church, and now he says a few words at the gravesite. I like Doug Benton, but what he’s saying barely registers as I stare at the polished wood of the casket.

Throughout the funeral, I heard Dad’s friends and some of his family members talk about a man I didn’ t recognize. I know some of them saw the sides of him I knew, and I wonder if they’ve already slipped into that way of talking about the deceased that isn’t quite true. Where we immortalize them and make them sound better than they ever were.

Or maybe they truly didn’t know the monster he could be.

Tobias steps into place, late. I catch his eye and we share a flicker of understanding without saying a word. He knows the truth. My mom does too, but I don’t think she’ll ever admit it.

Mom stands between us, her face mottled from crying. She dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief and shakes her head now and then when the grief seemingly overtakes her.

When the service ends, I stay behind, thanking people for coming. My guys stay with me and I invite them to the house later. Becca and I will be going to my parents’ house immediately following this, and normally that would be enough peopling for me, but I think maybe I’ll need the easy camaraderie that we have with each other by then. Probably desperately so.

Poppy walks over to us and looks up at me. Becca is by her side because as soon as the service was over, she bolted for her.

“It was a beautiful service,” Poppy says.

“Thank you for coming.”

She nods and looks like she wants to say more, but instead, she turns and hugs Becca. They say something quietly and do a little handshake the two of them have started doing lately. It’s nothing too complicated, but it’s cute. Just another thing to endear me to Poppy…like I needed another thing.

When everyone leaves, I’m still there standing, feeling drained but unable to move. I don’t know why. I don’t have any final words to say. I haven’t been able to say anything, sitting next to him in the hospital room, and I can’t now. I think the opportunity died when he chose the bottle over his family. When he shook me until my teeth rattled. The first time he gave me a black eye.

Yeah, there’s nothing really left to say.

“Bowie.”

My mom’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. She stands a few feet away. Her hair is pulled back in a taut bun and she looks tired. Tobias lingers by the cars. I thought he’d left.

I straighten. “Hey.”

“I wanted to thank you,” she says. “For everything. It was a nice funeral.”

I nod. “It was.”

Her lips press into a thin line. “He wasn’t easy to love.”

“No, he wasn’t.” My voice sounds flat.

“But he was your father and now he’s gone.” She sighs, wrapping her arms around herself.

She says it so simply, like the past can just be buried along with the man. I bite back my frustration. Now isn’t the time to voice my bitterness.

“I’ve been thinking about what’s next. For me,” she says.

I nod slightly, waiting.

She turns to face me. “I’m moving in with you and Becca,” she says firmly.

It takes a second for those words to sink in. “What?” I say, startled.

“I can’t live alone. And I don’t want to go back to Austria. Not yet, anyway.”

“Mom, that’s…not exactly something we’ve talked about.”

“We’re talking now,” she says, pinning me with her stare. “I’ve already made arrangements to sell the house. It’s too big for me and it’s time for a change. ”

I rub the back of my neck, trying to process this. She’s always been difficult in her own way—demanding, sharp-tongued, and unyielding—but as she said about my dad, she’s still my mother. I can’t exactly refuse her outright when my dad isn’t even in the ground yet.

“Becca’s got her routines, her space…it might be a tough adjustment for all of us.”

“I’m not expecting a palace, Bowie, although your place is a palace compared to mine.”

It’ll be too big for you too , I want to tell her. But too small for us with you there.

“I just need a place to stay while I figure things out. I want to be a better grandmother…to help you more than I have.”

I sigh, glancing at Tobias, who walks up and leans against a tree. I’m not sure how much of this he’s heard.

“Okay,” I say finally. “While you figure out what’s next.”

“Of course,” she says.

Her tone makes me doubt her sincerity, but I guess now’s not the time to bring that up either. My head is reeling a little bit.

She moves toward her car and Tobias moves into step beside me as I walk to mine.

“Did I hear that right?” he asks.

“I guess so,” I mutter.

“Better you than me,” he says.

I shoot him a look and he gives me a sheepish look. “Good luck, little brother.” He hugs me and then is gone.

My dad might be gone, but things haven’t gotten any less complicated.

The air inside my parents’ house is heavy. In the day following my dad’s death, I helped arrange all the flight details with my first cousin Amelie. She’s one of the few family members I’ve kept in touch with over the years. My family and I left Austria when I was twelve, but before then, Amelie and I were always close as kids, and when I see her now, I hug her, grateful that it feels the same between us.

“Thanks for your help getting everyone here,” she says.

“You did the hard part.”

“Yeah, but you paid for it all,” she says with a pointed look. She rubs my arm. “I hate the reason for this visit, but I’m so happy to see you.”

“I’m happy to see you too. We’ll have to get together more while you’re here.” I hug her again.

She nods and then we’re interrupted by Amelie’s mom, my aunt Anna. Everyone mills around the rooms, speaking in hushed tones, and it sounds like a low hum. Becca is uncharacteristically quiet, taking it all in. I introduce her to people as they come up, and she smiles shyly. So far, the only one she’s really taken to is Amelie, which doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t love meeting a ton of new people at once…she’s like me that way.

When she sees Henley’s girls, she perks up and runs off to join them.

I hear another aunt from Vienna attempting to explain Austrian funeral customs to one of Mom’s friends from here. A second cousin has Weston cornered, asking questions about life in the NFL, but Weston can hardly get a word in to respond.

“Bowie.”

I turn to see Henley, carrying two drinks. He hands one to me. “I thought you could use something stronger but figured you’d prefer Coke,” he says .

I smile gratefully. “You figured right.” I’ve provided thousands of dollars’ worth of alcohol, but there’s no way I’d feel right about drinking it here. It feels sort of hypocritical that I provided it, but my family would have been outraged if I hadn’t.

“You okay?” Henley asks.

“I’m okay.” I nod once.

Rhodes and Penn are in conversation across the room, Penn gesturing wildly.

“What do you think he’s talking about?” Henley chuckles.

“Some girl he met last night? Or maybe the meal he ate. Either one would excite him.”

We both laugh, but mine falls flat fast.

“Say the word and I’ll get you out of here,” Henley says.

“I’m probably required to be here until the end.”

“Nah,” he says, but he doesn’t push.

The voices get louder and I flinch when someone drops a glass. The sound of glass breaking takes me back. My father’s voice, slurred and angry, the crack of the glass shattering across the wall, the look in his eyes before he’d strike…

“I do need to get out of here,” I say, pushing away from the window.

The walls feel like they’re closing in.

Henley straightens. “Do you want us to bring Becca home in a while?”

“Yes, please. Anytime. I just…I need a minute to get it together. Tell the guys to move the party to my house. Bring the swimsuits…I’ll be better once I’m home.”

Henley leans in close. “You don’t have to be better, you know. Your dad just died. It’s okay to handle it however you need to.”

“I can’t be here,” I say. “I need to go home. ”

“Do it. The guys and I will stay for a while and no one will even miss you if we get Rhodes and Penn entertaining them,” he teases, and I’m grateful for it.

I find Becca and let her know that Henley will bring her home and make my escape. I’ll text my cousin later and invite her over.

The tension in me eases just driving away. For years, I’ve worked so hard to get my dad’s voice out of my head. It’s like he sits on my shoulder, telling me how worthless I am. The way Adriane left didn’t help. I thought she was in love with me and it turned out I was dispensable. As soon as life got hard, she was out.

There are only a few times when my head is completely clear…when I play football or when I’m with the guys. If I feel like I’m failing Becca in any way, I spiral.

When I pull into my driveway, I take the first deep breath that actually fills my lungs and it’s even better when I step inside my house. Martha runs to greet me and looks around for Becca. When she sees it’s just me, she rubs against my legs before curling up next to my feet. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes.

Your dad can’t hurt you anymore. Not with his hands or his words or his choices. His damage might be lasting, but you don’t have to carry the weight of it anymore.

For the first time in years, I cry.