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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

KUMQUAT

POPPY

After he’s walked away, I bend over, trying to catch my breath, and then hurry to my car so no one sees me crying.

Why did I just blurt it out like that?

Why didn’t I tell him the moment I found out about it?

I’m not sure it would’ve done any good, but the accusing look in his eyes when he said I’d known about it last night…

Last night.

I’ve been replaying those moments in my bed over and over again. Our first time together was amazing, but last night was surreal. It far surpassed anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve practically been floating around all morning…until I saw him walk into Luminary, had a lust fit over him dancing, and realized I didn’t know how to play it cool. Especially with the baby news hovering over me at all times.

He looked gutted. I don’t know what I expected. Him to smile and say, Poppy, this is exactly what I wanted? No, I knew it would hit him hard. The guy just lost his father, not to mention raising Becca as a single parent. He needed more consideration with the news than it to be blurted out in a coffee shop for the whole town to hear.

The news will probably be everywhere by lunchtime.

I slam my fist on the steering wheel, my thoughts going a mile a minute. Bowie didn’t say he didn’t want the baby exactly…even though it’s not what he had planned…but he didn’t say he wanted it either.

My voice is shaky as I say the words aloud, “There’s never been a doubt in my mind. I’m having this baby.”

My stomach twists and I pull over past the shops on Jupiter Lane and call my sister. She answers and sounds a lot better than the last time we talked.

“Hey, I was gonna call you today,” she says.

“You feeling better?” I ask and my voice cracks at the end.

“So much better. Poppy? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I’m pregnant,” I say, full-on crying now.

“Oh my God. Pregnant! From that night with Bowie?”

“Yes. And we had sex last night too, but I didn’t tell him until today. And I botched it up royally.”

“What did he say?” she asks breathlessly.

“He said he didn’t plan on ever having another baby. ”

“Oof.”

“I know. And then he said he just needed to process it and left.” I can hardly get the words out now.

“A baby, Poppy! You’ve always wanted kids.”

“But I’d hoped that when I had a baby, the father would be excited about it too.”

I wipe at my face, frustrated that I’m taking it so hard. I knew Bowie wouldn’t be ecstatic about this—it’s the main reason I’ve put off telling him. His life is complicated and he’s guarded...I have no idea where I stand with him, even after having sex with him a second time. But a part of me had hoped for a flicker of something—even if it was just acceptance.

All I saw was shock.

“What if he doesn’t want this at all?” I ask. Just saying it out loud makes my heart hurt.

The thought of raising a baby with someone who doesn’t want to be there, who might resent me…and the baby…it sounds truly awful.

“From what you’ve told me, Bowie is an incredible father. He’ll come around. Give him time,” Marley says. “Poppy, I’m so excited. I can’t wait to meet my little niece or nephew.” Her voice cracks and she’s crying too. “You’re gonna be the best mom.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

“Okay, I have to get to work, but thank you. I’m a mess and you’ve helped.”

“I’m here…always, day or night. And I can be there in a heartbeat if you need me to be.”

“I’ll be okay. Let’s save it for when the baby comes. You’re coming for Easter too, right?”

“Yep, we’ll be there. You’re having a baby,” she yells .

“I want to be as excited as you are,” I say wistfully.

“You will be. You’re just in shock still. Have you told Mom and Dad yet?”

“No!” I groan. “I will…soon. I want to wait just a little longer.”

“Poppy, tell them. They’ll be shocked, but they’ll be happy for you.”

“I know. I just…I wish…yeah, anyway. I love you. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you.”

I drive the rest of the way to work and when I get out of the car, I wipe my face again.

Sorry, little one. I promise I won’t always cry.

I’m distracted at work and distressed when there’s no sign of Becca and Bowie in the afternoon. When I get home, I eat a grilled cheese sandwich because it’s the only thing that sounds good, and I flop onto my couch, phone in hand. I scroll on Instagram…where I may or may not check out BHOTD…okay, I totally do and it’s a good one. A slow-motion reel of Bowie on the sidelines at Clarity Field, throwing the ball. His hair flares out when the ball leaves his hands and it’s a glorious sight.

I’m playing that over and over again…possibly obsessing about our child’s hair possibilities…when my phone lights up with a text from the girls.

Elle

OMG, you guys. It happened!

Sadie

You’re pregnant!

Tru

Tell me we’re pregnant at the same time!

Calista

WHAT! WE’RE HAVING A BABY?!!

My face heats and I know that if we were all in the room together, they’d see right through me and know that I’m pregnant at the same time as Tru.

Elle

You guys. No, I am not pregnant. This feels like a letdown now. Lol Calista already knows because she keeps up with this stuff better than I do…Chasing Sunrise HIT THE NEW YORK TIMES LIST!

Elle! That’s amazing. Congratulations!!

Sadie

AHHHH I’m so excited I can’t take it, Zoey Archer!

Tru

Holy crap, Elle. That’s huge. You’re a literal literary goddess.

Elle

Thanks, you guys. I’m an emotional mess.

Calista

I’m so proud. So, so proud.

You deserved this so much. The book is incredible. I stayed up until 2 a.m. crying over chapter 18.

Elle

Okay, but chapter 18 was supposed to make you cry.

Tru

I almost threw the book across the room at the twist in chapter 12. My heart cannot take you, Ms. Zoey.

Elle

Stop it, you’re making me blush.

Sadie

Let’s celebrate! Drinks at The Fairy Hut? They’ve got delicious mocktails that you can enjoy too, Tru.

Tru

Yes to celebrating at The Fairy Hut!

I’m in!

Bowie must have asked Penn not to tell anyone yet. I’ll just have to figure out a way to be subtle about ordering a mocktail myself.

Elle

You guys are the best. I’d love to get together. Tomorrow night?

We all chime in that it works for us, and I find myself smiling for the first time since I talked to Bowie. I’m so happy for Elle, and celebrating with the girls is exactly what I need.

Marley has started a baby room ideas Pinterest board and has also been texting me her favorites. It’s sweet and a fun distraction, though I still feel somewhat detached that this is really happening to me. I touch my stomach and look up the size of a fetus at this stage. A kumquat. Hmm. That doesn’t tell me much. I see somewhere else that it’s the size of an olive or grape.

Hmm. Olives sound good.

So crazy.

Later that night, as I slip under the covers, I’m back to that gnawing worry. I haven’t heard from Bowie. Basking in the warm afterglow of being with him last night was very short-lived.

I glance at my phone one more time. I’ve willed it to light up with a message from him all day long, but the screen stays dark. The quiet of my room makes my thoughts louder.

He’s processing , I tell myself, feeling hollow.

I curl onto my side, clutching my pillow. The sting of tears burns and I turn out the light, giving in to the uncertainty of my future.

Tomorrow I will wake up and not cry about this. It’s not good for the baby. It’s not good for me. But tonight I feel powerless to stop it.