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CHAPTER ELEVEN

F-WORD

BOWIE

The past few weeks have been mind-numbing. I feel like I’m failing at life. The time I usually spend during the offseason doing fun things with Becca after school has been spent at the hospital with my dad and making sure my mom is okay. Becca isn't being ignored, it’s not that. We're usually swimming and spending time hiking or playing in the snow, but it’s few and far between. It's now fast food on the way to the hospital and taking a last-minute swim before bed. Eating differently and getting off of our routine is affecting both of us.

As much as I didn’t want a pet, I’m eating my words now. Martha is a trouper. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a rescue or what, but she just seems so grateful for any attention. She’s actually made my job easier, occupying Becca while we’re at the hospital and at home too, when I have things to catch up on. Becca’s obsessed with her and Martha goes everywhere we do. People have a physical reaction to the pup and I find myself defensive of the little thing now that I’ve gotten to know her.

Our time is consumed by my parents and I wish I dealt with all of that better. It's hard to think kindly toward a father who hasn't been kind to me. There are a lot of mixed feelings that come with that and I suck at dealing with feelings.

I've been in a constant foul mood, really, since the wedding. Okay, since sleeping with Poppy. I regret blowing her off and I don't deal well with that either.

I call my brother Tobias and he finally answers.

“What’s up?” he says.

“Hey, I’m glad you answered. Things aren’t looking good with Dad. He’s rarely awake anymore.”

“Yeah?”

I wait, expecting him to say more, but when he doesn’t, I sigh.

“Look, Tobias, this isn’t easy for me either. But he’s our dad, and at the very least, Mom needs us.”

“Mom has never needed us. She’s always put him before everyone and everything, especially you and me.”

“That may be true, but her family's on the other side of the world and we're at least close enough to remind her to eat and whatnot.”

His exhale is loud in the phone. “I’m sorry you're left to deal with it alone. I just don't think I can do this. I can't afford the time away from work right now. What good does it do if I just end up resenting both of them more?”

“Okay,” I say, conceding. “As long as you don’t regret not seeing him later. I don't think he's got long.”

“I wish I could say I would regret things with Dad. Maybe I will. But all I regret right now is that he hasn't been a better fucking father.”

“That's fair,” I say. “I feel mostly the same, honestly. I guess I feel the need to try, but that doesn't mean you have to. He certainly doesn't deserve it from either one of us.”

“You've got that right. We both have the physical and mental scars to prove it. Look, you're a bigger man than I am, Bowie. We've always known that. Since you were a kid. You've been the star child.”

“Don't say that, Tobias. Come on.”

He laughs, but it rings hollow.

“I love you, Tobias.” I rarely ever say it, so I think it catches him off guard. It does me too, honestly, but sitting at my father’s bedside with too much time to think might be messing with my head more than I realized.

“I love you too, little brother. I'm sorry,” he says.

“Don't be. If anyone gets it, it’s me.”

“I would be there for you more than anyone else. Except I’d have to see Mom and Dad if I did that.” He laughs again and this time I do too.

“I don't need to see you all the time to know you love me,” I tell him.

I wish my daughter could know her uncle better, but that’s not something I want to guilt him into doing. Just another reason I appreciate the bond I have with the guys on the team. They’ve been the family we needed.

“I’ve done a sorry job of showing it, but thanks for saying that anyway. All right, motherfucker. Go be the awesome person you are. I'll keep being the scoundrel. Maybe I'll show up there one of these days.”

“I won't hold my breath,” I grumble, but it doesn’t have any bite. “Talk to you later.”

“Bye, Bow.”

I hang up and stare out the window. Martha skitters over to her water bowl and takes a long drink and then looks over at me. I chuckle when I see the pink bow Becca’s put in her hair. When Sadie got back from her honeymoon and met Martha, she had a little bag of dog goodies for us the next time we saw her.

“Hi, Dad,” Becca says when she walks into the room.

“Hi, Tater Tot.”

“We see Poppy today.”

This is how she begins most days, and every day, I think of an excuse for why we can’t. Today, though, I pause before going straight to no and gradually nod.

“Okay,” I say.

“Okay!” She claps. “We take Martha.”

“I’ll have to call the facility and see if Martha is allowed. If they say yes, we’ll take her. If they say no, she’ll stay home.”

Becca looks sad for a second, but then she looks around the room. I laugh when she picks up my phone and brings it to me.

Someone named Janice answers and when I tell her my name, she has a momentary freak-out. She gives me the schedule for the day and assures me that it’s fine to bring Martha as long as she’s well-trained. When I hang up, I smile at my daughter.

“Okay, we can take Martha. ”

“Yay!” Becca does a little dance that she learned from Cassidy and Audrey. “Dance, Dad.”

I chuckle and do a little hip shake, which thrills Becca.

Next, she goes over and carefully picks up Martha. She’s really great with her and Fred was right about Martha, she’s been angelic with Becca. The first few days we had her, I watched like a hawk and told Becca over and over how to approach the dog, how to pick her up, how to leave her alone while she’s eating…but Martha is so easy, I’m not sure it matters.

“We’ll go for a little while and when it’s time to go, I want you to not give me any fuss,” I tell Becca. “We’ll have fun and be happy, and then we’ll leave and be happy.”

I’ll repeat this again on the drive over and when we get there.

“No fuss, I be happy,” Becca repeats. “Let’s go, Daddy.”

I groan and pump my fist in fake excitement. This is probably a huge mistake, but I’m in it now.

When we arrive at Briar Hill, Becca speed-walks into the building. It’s only then that I consider Poppy might not even be here today. Maybe the fun activities will be distracting enough that Becca won’t mind. Who am I kidding? She’ll totally mind.

Janice is thrilled to see us when we walk in the door. It makes me question whether this was a good idea, seeing her level of excitement. But then she seems to get ahold of herself and calms down, walking us through our options.

“I was wondering if we could speak to a Poppy Keane,” I say.

She looks surprised and a little disappointed. “Oh, sure, yes. Poppy is with a group right now, but if you'd like, I can show you around the building, and by the time we get done, Poppy should be available. ”

“Great,” I say.

She walks us through Briar Hill and it's an impressive building. A lot of kids are here and they look happy as they do various activities. It’s encouraging to see that the kids are well supervised. Many of the staff are stepping in to help them participate in activities that might be difficult for them elsewhere. I try to stay in the background and not be a distraction, because several of the directors, when they see me, seem to go into shock.

Becca wants to try volleyball and flag football. She's also interested in swimming, even though I remind her that she can swim in our pool any time. My girl has had swimming lessons since she was little, so she's a great swimmer, but it is never quite enough. She would live in the pool if she could.

We come to the end of the tour and are rounding the corner, back to where we started, when Poppy walks through the doorway. She comes to a standstill when she sees me and then looks at Becca, her face breaking into an excited smile.

“Becca, hi!” she says.

“Poppy!” Becca yells.

I don't even bother to remind her about inside voices because they won’t be surprised by her loudness here and she's too excited to see Poppy to hold back. She stops in front of Poppy and stares up at her.

“Ooo, ice lashes,” she says, pointing a little too closely at Poppy’s eyes.

Poppy's head tilts back, and I step closer to make sure Becca doesn’t accidentally poke Poppy in the eye. From here I can see that Poppy has white on her eyelashes instead of black mascara. The look is different, but it works on her. I think anything works on her.

“Ice lashes,” Poppy repeats, looking puzzled. She lifts her fingers to her eyelashes and freezes. “Oh no, did I not put on my mascara again? Ugh,” she groans. “This is the primer to make my lashes healthy, and I keep forgetting that it's not the last step because it feels like mascara.”

“Pretty,” Becca says adoringly. “Ice lashes,” she repeats in awe.

Poppy laughs. “Well, I'm afraid I won't have ice lashes for much longer, but I love that name for it. I'm going to get my mascara and fix this. But—oh my God!” she says, suddenly noticing Martha on the leash behind me.

Martha chooses this moment to move forward and sit down at my feet.

“Who is this?” Poppy says, eyes wide. She bites her lip and gives me a funny look.

“This is Martha, our new dog,” I say.

“Wow, she is something,” Poppy says.

“She so pretty,” Becca gushes.

“I love her hair bow. I've never seen a dog like her,” Poppy says, trying to say all nice things when I can tell she really wants to laugh.

Somehow Poppy doesn't make me as annoyed as everyone else who has made fun of Martha. But I don't question that right now.

“I’m so excited you're here, Becca,” she says. “Did Janice show you around?”

“Yes,” Becca says. “I love it.”

“Excellent. We’ll have to see what you love the most around here. I’m going to be working with volleyball today. Would you like to try that?”

“Yes,” Becca says emphatically.

Poppy laughs. “Perfect. Let’s go. We’re about to start.” She turns and looks at me over her shoulder. “If you'd like to leave Becca here, you can. I can keep her busy for a few hours. I heard about your dad,” she adds. “I’m sorry he's not doing well.”

“Thank you,” I say. My mouth parts and I’m uncertain about what to do. I surprise myself by saying, “It would actually be great if I didn't have to take Becca to the hospital today. I had planned on staying, but if you're sure she'd be okay here, I can come pick her up whenever you say.”

“That would be fine. I could also drop her off at your house if that would be more convenient for you.” She holds up her hand and shakes her head. “Forget I said that, I was thinking we were the f- word,” she mouths the last part.

I frown, trying to get what she’s saying.

She holds up her hand around her mouth and whispers, “Friends.”

I chuckle despite how awkward this is. “We started over, remember?” I say, somewhat grumpily. “But you don't have to go to that trouble, really, I'll come back for her.”

“It's no trouble at all. Let me help. I'm sure you can use the time.”

I nod finally. “You know what? I could. My mom needs me to run a few errands for her. It would help a lot.”

“Consider it done,” she says.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll just need you to sign a few things with Janice before you go. And I believe you know how to reach me. Here, I’ll give you another card if you tossed the other one.”

I smirk. “No, I still have your card.”

She lifts her eyebrows. “Okay, cool. Well, I'll text when I'm on my way or just let me know when it’s a good time to bring her back. We'll think of tons of fun things to do until then.”

“Thank you, Poppy.”

“You’re welcome, Bowie. ”

We share a long look. I repeat the plan to Becca and tell her bye, but she is already walking away.

“I see how it is,” I say. “Hey, my girl, hug me before you go.”

Becca giggles and turns back to hug me. Poppy’s smiling as she watches us, and then Martha and I watch them walk away.