Page 19 of Who We Think We Are

B it by bit, Grandad improves, eating a little more each day and staying awake longer.

When Kate thinks Grandad is strong enough and knows they won’t be interrupted, she starts the conversation she came home to have with him.

He is sitting upright in his bed, and she makes them both a cup of tea.

She savors the first sip of her Earl Grey.

There is nothing like that first sip. Feeling the hot liquid make its way down her body, she says, “Grandad, I went to the archives in The Hague. Remember the special archives for Nazi collaborators? You sent me Oma’s death certificate. ”

“Of course I remember, Katie. I don’t have dementia. That was my beloved wife. What did you find out?”

“I found several things. Oma, her cousin Jaap, and her parents were all arrested for being German collaborators, and Oma was put on house arrest because someone had to take care of her two younger brothers, and the rest went to prison camps for three months to a year. But you know this already.

“What surprised me was that Oma and Jaap joined the Hitler Youth behind Oma’s mother’s back, and when her mother found out, she told them they had to quit, or she would kick them out. Jaap left the house, but Oma lied to her mom, saying she quit so she could stay at home, but she hadn’t.”

Kate watches Grandad’s face closely as she tells him the next part. “When Oma turned sixteen, she was recruited to have a baby for the Nazis. She went to have sex with an SS man, got pregnant, and then moved to a Lebensborn maternity home and had the baby.”

Grandad’s face shows no expression. No shock or surprise. He knew . Kate swallows hard and sighs. “Why didn’t you tell me, Grandad? Why did you let me find out by reading her file? Or did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

Tears roll down Grandad’s face. Kate gives him a tissue and keeps one for herself.

“Take this tea. Katie. I can’t drink it; my hands aren’t steady enough. I don’t know why. I didn’t know there would be files with this kind of information in them. Those damned Dutch, keeping records of everything.”

“But you sent me there to dig up the truth about Oma, Grandad. Surely you must have known I’d find out about her having a baby for the Nazis.”

“I didn’t send you, Katie. You wanted to go.”

“True, but you said you wanted me to find out the truth.”

“Have you found the truth then?”

“I have found out part of the truth, yes, but not all of it,” says Kate.

“The files say that Oma went to a Lebensborn home to have a baby and then went home. But they don’t say anything more.

They don’t say what happened to the baby.

There could be someone out there in the world who is another child of Oma’s. ”

“There’s not, Katie. The baby died. There is no baby.”

“The files don’t say that.”

“What do they say?”

“I told you already. That Oma went to a Lebensborn home to have a baby and then went home.”

“That’s because the baby died.”

“Was it a boy or a girl?”

“I don’t know.”

“What Lebensborn home did Oma go to?”

“I don’t know, Katie.”

“How did it impact her emotionally? She either gave away or lost a baby and then had to keep it a secret. That must have been devastating for her. I couldn’t imagine giving away one of my daughters and not being allowed to talk about it.”

“Those were different times, Katie. We all had to do things we can’t conceive of now.

In war, the rules change. Our choices change.

Who you are and who you hope to become change.

You want freedom and can’t think much past that.

If I stopped and thought about all the people I killed on my bombing missions, I would go insane.

I was bombing targets, not human beings.

You couldn’t think of it in human terms, or you wouldn’t be able to do it.

” Grandad’s hands are shaking, and his voice is getting weaker.

“It was war. A bloody, brutal, horrible war. We did what we had to do. Around eighty million people died. Stop and really think about that. That’s way more than twice the population of Canada.

Then suddenly, the war was over, and the rules reverted to “normal.” But people like Oma and her family were held accountable for wartime choices with peacetime rules.

When it was over, no one wanted to talk about it.

The world wanted to get on with life.” More tears start forming in Grandad’s eyes.

“Our little story was no different. We thought it was a miracle that we found love in the middle of war, and we just wanted to look forward to our future. Listen, I told you before, when I told Oma we needed to keep this a secret, we never discussed it again. I’m sorry I can’t help you more than that.

But Oma’s baby died, and I think you should leave it alone now. ”

“But you said …”

“I know what I said, Katie. I was wrong. Digging up stuff from the past won’t help you.

Oma isn’t here anymore to explain her wartime reasons for whatever she did or didn’t do, so I think it is more respectful to her to let her secrets stay in the past. I hope you never have to live through what we experienced.

Trust me when I say even when you have all the facts, it doesn’t mean you have the truth.

You wouldn’t be able to understand because you haven’t experienced war. ”

“So, you’ve changed your mind?”

“I’ve changed my mind, yes. Let it go, Katie.”

“I’m sorry, Grandad. I love you, but I can’t. I need to see this through. I don’t know why you’ve pulled back, but I haven’t. I’m going to discover the truth for Oma.”

“You do what you need to, Katie. I just hope it brings you what you’re looking for. And now, I need to sleep. This talk has tired me out.”

Kate lowers the back of Grandad’s bed and fluffs his pillows. “Have a good sleep, Grandad. I love you.”

“And I love you more, Katie.”

Kate slips out the door and runs into her dad in the hallway. “Hi, Dad. Grandad just fell asleep. Where’s Mother?”

“She didn’t want to visit,” says Doug. “Too boring. I’ll be OK, though. I brought a book, and it’s nice to have some quiet time with my father.”

“Good. Suze and Anne will be the ones to relieve you when it’s time. See you later, Dad,” says Kate as she heads down the hallway.

When Kate gets to her car, she sends a group text to Jake, Kelli, and Paige: “I am ordering in Thai food for all of us. We’ll have an early dinner before I go back to Grandad’s. Please be there. I have something I want to talk about. Love, Mom xoxx.”

Kate sets GG’s table for dinner. Neither Oma nor GG would approve.

Cardboard containers, a soy sauce bottle, etc.

, have no place on the dining room table.

Chuckling to herself, she says, “OK, GG, we’ll use your good china, silver, and crystal wine glasses and light candles in the silver candleholders.

” The family has had many discussions over the years about the appropriate drink to have with Thai food.

They settled on beer for Jake, white wine for Kate, and pop for the girls.

She pours the applicable beverages for each of them.

When the Thai food is delivered, she sets it all on the table. “Come and get it!” Kate calls out.

Jake, Kelli, and Paige drift into the dining room from different corners of the house.

They all serve themselves, and when their plates are heaped with pad thai, panang chicken curry, salad rolls, and chicken sate, Paige says, “Nice touch using the good china and silver for takeout, Mom! What do you want to talk to us about?”

Kate takes a deep breath and starts. “I want to let you all know what I’ve been up to since Oma died, why I’ve gone to the Netherlands, and the research I’ve been doing.

Some of you know some of it, and others don’t.

I don’t even remember who I told what to.

So, I’m going to tell you everything. That way, we’re all on the same page. ” Kate sips her wine.

“A few days before Oma died, she blurted out that she had been in the Hitler Youth during the war.”

“What?” says Paige. “Are you sure? I …”

“Yes, I’m sure. This is a long story, so let me tell it, and hang on to your questions. They might get answered in the process.”

As they eat their dinner, Kate tells them everything, from Oma’s blurted-out comment about the Hitler Youth to her visits with de ooms, everything she translated at the archives in The Hague, and her conversation with Grandad today.

“Holy shit, Mom,” says Paige.

“That’s why you wanted to stay longer in Holland,” says Kelli.

“Do any of you have any questions?” asks Kate.

“You never knew anything about this?” asks Paige.

“No, nothing until Oma blurted it out,” says Kate.

“Did Grandad know all along?” asks Paige.

“Yes, he did.” Kate takes another sip of her wine. “When he went to Oma’s house after the war, she couldn’t move to Canada with him because she was under house arrest and couldn’t leave. And she was taking care of her younger brothers till her parents got out of the prison camp.”

“Why has it been a secret all this time?” asks Kelli.

“Because Grandad didn’t want his family to judge Oma. He wanted them to love her. He didn’t think they’d understand, so he told Oma they had to keep it secret. Then today, he said everyone had wanted to get on with life and leave the past behind,” says Kate.

“Do you believe Grandad? That the baby died?” Jake asks Kate.

“Do you?”

“No, I don’t. This is too much of an about-face.

Girls, I was with your mom when Grandad said he wanted her to go and dig up the truth.

And now he’s telling her not to.” Jake stops and thinks.

“What are you going to do, Kate? Never mind. That was a dumb question. When are you leaving? Wait … That was a dumb question, too. You’re having this conversation with us now because you’re leaving within the next few days.

Grandad’s well enough now that you feel safe to leave. ”