Page 14 of Who We Think We Are

K ate picks up Oma’s file where she left off.

Mother then made us choose. Leave the house or no longer join the Hitler Youth. My cousin chose to head out the door. I chose to stay in the house but continued to secretly be a member and go to the girls’ meetings.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait. A. Minute! Oma had a baby for the German Reich, and she was honored!? When she was sixteen!? This cannot possibly be real. What the fuck is Lebensborn?

Kate Googles Lebensborn. She finds out that, among other aspects of the SS program, single Aryan women had racially pure and healthy babies fathered by Aryan SS men to create an Aryan elite.

Once pregnant, the future mothers would go to a Lebensborn maternity home where they had their babies in secret and were pampered and given good medical attention and plenty of healthy food.

Good God! In those days, I could see girls going there just to be pampered and have enough food! Hell, it sounds like going to a spa. Except you have a baby for Hitler!

Kate Googles SS—it is the elite guard of the Nazi Reich, including the Gestapo. They led the “Final Solution,” the murder of European Jews.

Kate squeezes her eyes shut, shakes off her horror, scratches her scalp vigorously, takes a few deep breaths, and with her heart racing and hands sweating, continues translating.

I lived at the Lebensborn home until December.

I went home to Mother, who welcomed me back into the family as long as I promised to quit the Hitler Youth and not do anything with them anymore.

Jaap was home, too. Mother moved with him and me and my two younger brothers to her sister’s house in Dalfsen, where we would not be bothered by the Hitler Youth.

Then Oma was placed on house arrest while her parents and Jaap went to a prison camp or prison.

What happened to the baby!? There is absolutely nothing in this file about what happened to Oma’s baby!

And Oma almost makes it sound like there was no sex between her as a child and an SS man.

She simply became pregnant. And look at the difference between what boys and girls did.

Jaap had an adventure, traveling all over Germany, even to Prague as a courier, while Oma had sex with an SS man and had a baby for Hitler!

Kate is finished with Oma’s file, and she is physically and emotionally done. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. She is beyond exhausted. Her eyes are blurry, and her shoulders are sore. I can’t go back to Kelli and pretend everything is OK. I need a night to try to absorb this.

Kate turns in the files and, when she gets to her locker, sends Kelli a text: “I’m sorry, pet. This is taking longer than I thought. I won’t be able to return to Utrecht until the morning. Stay at Tante Tamara’s tonight. Thx. Love, Mom xoxx.”

Kate leaves the archives to walk to the hotel she likes.

There is a torrential downpour outside. Of course.

Even the sky is crying. She isn’t wearing a jacket because it was sunny and warm when she started out today.

Figures! She stops at a shop in the train station to buy some snacks and an umbrella.

The only umbrellas are neon yellow. Kate would laugh at the incongruous color if she weren’t so exhausted and upset.

Fortunately, there is a vacancy. When she gets to her hotel room, Kate hangs her clothes up to dry, takes an ice-cold shower followed by a hot bath, and wraps herself in the fluffy terry towel robe hanging in the closet.

It’s 7:00 p.m. and 10:00 a.m. in Vancouver.

Kate texts Suze and asks if she has time for a Zoom call. She does.

When Kate logs on to Zoom, Suze is already there. “Oh my God, Suze, it’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Cuz. You look horrible. What’s going on?”

“I have so much to catch you up on. Do you have time?”

“Yeah, give me a sec to send a text to move a meeting. OK. Tell me everything.”

So, Kate does, starting with Oma blurting out that she was in the Hitler Youth and de ooms lying and keeping the secret to all her discoveries today. Suze doesn’t interrupt or ask questions. She stays quiet and lets Kate talk until she’s done.

“Holy shit, Kate. No wonder you look like hell. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there for you.”

“You know me. I wanted to find out the whole truth before I told anyone. I guess I thought I would find out it wasn’t as bad as I thought when I came here. I couldn’t have even imagined this! I’ve had a hard time even looking you in the eye, Suze.”

“Why? You aren’t responsible for what your ancestors did.”

“I don’t know. I started to question who I think I am and who I come from. I started feeling ashamed, like I had inherited evil or something, especially after finding that horrible, hateful suicide note. I went from feeling like a horrible person to feeling like an evil person.”

“You are not horrible or evil, Kate. And when you stop to think of it, are any of us really who we think we are? You should have told me. What are you going to do?”

“Well, I’m going to have to break my promise to Kelli and tell her we need to stay here longer than a week. I have to find out what happened to that baby!”

“Why, Kate? How will that help?”

“I just have to, Suze. This is part of my family, my story, now. I have to dig up the truth. All our lives, we’ve talked about GG, Saul, Sarah, and Rachel helping Jewish refugees and Szymon, Doug, and Grandad fighting in the war.

All heroes. Your family and mine, intertwined.

I’m not who I thought I was. And how did Oma feel, not being able to tell her story?

I need to find out what Oma went through.

“We talk about this kind of thing at Grandma’s Table—herstory. We all must own our stories. I guess it’s my turn now. I feel like I’m doing it for Oma and for me.”

“Speaking of Grandma’s Table. Have you thought about how this might impact the nonprofit?”

“Of course I have. That’s one of the reasons I rushed over here.

I’m trying to do damage control and know the truth so I can navigate it.

Suze, I’m sorry this is how you found out, but thank you for listening.

Thanks for always being there for me. Don’t worry about the org.

That’s a dumb thing to say; of course, you’re worried now.

But I’ll figure something out. I always do.

Thanks again for listening. I feel a lot better. You go ahead and go to your meeting.”

“Wait a minute, Kate. Not so fast. You think this is just yours to figure out? I know this is about your family, but our families are connected, and we have a nonprofit together. This impacts me too, my family, everything.”

“I know. Thanks for the offer, but I have to take care of this. This isn’t your problem, Suze.”

Suze sighs. “Yes, it is, but you do you, Kate. But be careful digging for the truth. Some people don’t want their Nazi pasts known, even today. Like Oma and her brothers. Good luck with your search.”

Even though it doesn’t change anything about what she learned today, Kate feels better now that Suze knows.

Suze didn’t take it too hard. She hates keeping secrets from her.

She also wants to let Mikelia know about what she discovered, so she writes her an email and attaches the documents she translated that day:

I spent the day at the archives. The translator couldn’t join me because he was sick, so I went by myself and translated as best I could. It was worse than I thought. Read the document, and then, if you have time tonight, let’s chat. Or let me know when a good time for you would be.

A few minutes later, she gets an email from Mikelia:

Let’s talk in fifteen minutes on Zoom. I’ll read the docs first.

Kate is finally able to eat a croquette and an apple, and then she hops back on Zoom. Mikelia gets on shortly after.

“Oh my God, Kate! You look rough. How are you doing?”

“I don’t even know. I’m shocked, and I feel like a cannonball blew a huge hole in me. Can you believe it?”

“No. Of all the things I thought you might find out, I never dreamed of this. I don’t even know what to say.”

“Me neither, I guess. How could Oma have had an Aryan baby for the Third Reich?”

“Did your Grandad know?”

“I have no idea. I can’t talk to him about this yet.”

“And the file never said what happened to the baby?”

“No, nothing.”

“And you went by yourself.”

“Yeah, it was rough; I’m not gonna lie. I think today is in the top five most difficult days I’ve ever had. I have to find out what happened to the baby, Mikelia.”

“Of course you do. How can I help?”

“I don’t know how yet, but I’ll need you. Moral support and maybe translation. I’m going to do more research and tell Kelli we need to stay in the Netherlands longer. I’ll get back to you in a few days.”

“OK. I’m going to research it more, too.”

“Thanks, Mikelia. Good night.”

“Good night, Kate. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Now, Kate hopes she can sleep.