Page 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ASH

T he entire ride back, I stared out the window, trying to calm the storm in my head. That had been reckless—too fucking reckless. If Chris decided to sell his story to the highest bidder, I could kiss my life goodbye. My job, my reputation, everything would be gone. And for what? To get this guy into bed?

I should call it off. Tell him to go home, get my head back in the game, and focus on my life. If I still couldn’t shake him in a few years, maybe then I’d revisit the idea.

Smart. This was smart.

But I couldn’t do it—I couldn’t make myself say the words.

We stepped off the elevator in silence, tension hanging heavy between us. When I closed the door behind us, the sound echoed through the apartment.

“You’re mad,” Ethan said simply, breaking the quiet.

“Yes, I’m fucking mad,” I replied sharply.

He stood in the middle of the living room, arms crossed, his face set in defiance, with not a shred of regret.

“You do realize he could tell everyone, right? If Chris wanted to, he could blow this whole thing up. You and I would be over. My career would be over. But you don’t give a damn, do you?”

“He already knew.”

“No, Ethan. He thought he knew. He didn’t know for sure. Now he knows—because of that stunt you pulled,” I snapped.

Ethan crossed his arms tighter over his chest, his posture stiff. “I don’t want you to be public property.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Henry said you’re public property. That you just mess around with the same people. Chris came there thinking he could get you into bed because that’s what everyone thinks. But he can’t. You’re not public property.”

I stared at him, stunned. “I told you I wasn’t fucking around. I told him that too. Did you think he’d ask me, and I’d just forget about it? That I have no self-control?”

Ethan finally broke eye contact, looking away, shame flickering across his face.

“This is what you need, and I get it,” I continued, my tone unrelenting. “But you know this isn’t a relationship, Ethan. You know, in less than a month, this is over. You can’t pull this jealous boyfriend act on me. You’re not stupid—you knew the rules.” My voice came out harder than I intended, but I couldn’t stop it.

Ethan’s wide eyes reflected hurt, but I couldn’t take it back.

“It’s not a jealous boyfriend act,” he said, his voice shaking slightly. “I told you I don’t like to share. I told you it was a deal-breaker.”

“Yeah, and that’s why I’ve stuck to my word. But this—this was a fucking mistake. You’re not ready for this, Ethan,” I said, turning away from him and rubbing my temples. I needed to get him out of here.

“What’s a mistake?” he asked, his tone defensive now.

“This—” I gestured vaguely, “— you and me. ”

The silence that followed was deafening.

“You get mad, and you stop caring about the consequences. I can’t have that—we can’t have that. If you can’t handle one guy flirting with me…” I turned back, but the living room was empty.

“Ethan?” My voice softened slightly, confusion threading through it.

The door to the apartment was still closed. He hadn’t left. I glanced toward the hallway, noticing the faint glow of light spilling from my bedroom.

“Ethan?” I tried again, walking toward the open door.

I stepped inside. Ethan stood at the foot of the bed, bathed in soft light, his expression unreadable.

“I was talking to you. What?—”

He met my eyes, holding my gaze as he reached for the hem of his shirt. Without a word, he pulled it over his head and let it fall to the floor.

I leaned against the doorframe. “What are you doing?”

Ethan didn’t answer right away. Instead, he unfastened his jeans and let them drop to the floor, stepping out of them with ease. His shoes were already off.

He was wearing the briefs I’d sent him.

I sighed, trying to ignore the heat building in my chest. “Is this your clever way of getting out of an argument?”

“No,” he breathed, his eyes locking with mine. He hooked his thumbs under the waistband of his briefs and slid them down, letting them pool at his feet.

Ethan stood before me, completely naked. The last traces of shyness were gone, replaced with quiet confidence. “This is.”

He climbed onto the bed, shuffling backward until he leaned against the headboard. Stretching his arms over it, he crossed his ankles and tilted his head, staring at me with a haughty, almost daring expression.

A grin tugged at the corners of my lips, but I bit the inside of my cheek to suppress it. He looked like a fucking dream sprawled out on my bed like that.

“You know,” I said, my tone light but teasing, “you’re rewarding bad behavior. Why wouldn’t I flirt if it meant you’d end up naked in my bed?”

Ethan arched a brow and moved his hand leisurely to his cock, stroking himself.

My jaw tightened as I bit down on my tongue to stay in control.

“I could just leave,” he said, his tone deceptively casual. “Then you’d get to stay here alone with this image of me burned into your memory.”

I laughed, caught off guard. “And what would I have to do to convince you to stay?” I asked, stepping into the room, my eyes never leaving his.

“Take off your clothes.”

A sharp pulse of arousal hit me at his words. I chuckled but didn’t hesitate, my hands moving to unbutton my shirt. Ethan didn’t break eye contact as his hand continued its lazy strokes, the slight flush on his cheeks betraying how much this was affecting him too.

I shrugged off my shirt, letting it fall to the floor, and undid my pants. When I finally stood before him, fully naked and hard, I smirked. “What now?”

“Come here,” he murmured, his voice softer now but no less commanding.

Moving slowly, I crawled onto the bed and over his body without touching him, letting the tension stretch and coil between us. “Now?” I whispered, my breath ghosting over his cheek.

“Now you beg me to let you fuck me,” he rasped.

I leaned down, my lips brushing the corner of his jaw. “What game are you playing, pet?”

“Yours,” he answered, his hand snaking to my neck and pulling me to his lips in a rough kiss.

Ethan shifted his weight suddenly, throwing me off balance and onto my back. Before I could react, he straddled my lap, his knees bracketing my hips.

I looked up at him, grinning.“You’re doing a splendid job of it.”

He leaned down, his hands braced on my chest, his lips hovering close enough to kiss but not quite meeting mine.

“Do you want to?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His hand slid behind him, finding me.

“What?” I managed, my words catching in my throat as he pressed himself back, positioning my cock in the cleft of his ass.

“Fuck me,” he clarified, his voice sweet—almost too sweet.

“I thought I’d made that abundantly clear.”

“I want that too. Right now, as a matter of fact. But I need one thing from you first.”

There it was. I chuckled, intrigued. “What do you need, pet?”

Ethan’s expression sobered. His hand slid up my chest, pressing firmly as he leaned closer.

“Don’t smile at anyone else,” he whispered, his palm moving up to my neck. “Don’t flirt with anyone else.”

His hand tightened around my throat, his grip strong.

“Don’t even look at anyone else,” he continued, his voice heavy with intensity. “Keep your eyes on me, Ash, and I’ll be all yours. You can fuck me as much as you want.”

He pressed down slightly, his control intoxicating.

“Deal?” he asked, his lips curving into a small, dangerous smile as he leaned in.

I couldn’t believe the audacity. The way he was playing this—either Chris had given him a master class on me, or Ethan knew me better than I thought. I’d never let anyone else do this, but for him, I’d let it slide. Hell, I wanted to let it slide.

“Deal,” I said, my voice hoarse, my grin slipping into place.

Ethan’s smile returned as he eased the pressure on my neck and kissed me deeply. His fingers tangled in my hair, tugging just enough to tilt my head, and he trailed kisses down my jaw to my ear.

“Good boy,” he whispered.

I blinked. “You little shit.”

Ethan laughed, the sound melodic, bouncing off the walls, and wrapping us in his warmth. All of the tension drained away in that instant.

I pushed him back, settling between his legs and letting my hands roam over his skin. He looked up at me, still smiling, still radiating confidence, and I couldn’t help but ask, “Do you really want this? Or are you just putting on a brave front?”

Ethan hesitated for a moment, his bravado faltering. “I want to.”

My whole body was buzzing, vibrating with anticipation. I ran my hand through his hair gently, reassuring him. “Have you ever been tested?”

Ethan frowned, confused.

“For STDs,” I clarified.

His eyes widened, and he shook his head.

“I’m clean,” I told him, my tone softening. “But I won’t have sex with you without a condom unless you get tested, okay?”

Ethan’s expression wavered between surprise and understanding.

“Are you still with me?” I asked, watching his face carefully.

He set his jaw, his determination returning as he nodded. “Yes.”

I leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“If you need me to stop at any time, let me know.”

Ethan nodded, his expression intent.

I shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching for the nightstand to grab the lube and a condom, placing them beside us. Glancing back, I caught Ethan leaning on his elbows, his eyes fixed on the condom, his face unusually serious.

“Pet,” I said, drawing his gaze to mine. “If you need more time?—”

“I don’t,” he interrupted. “I want this. I just need you to get me into it.”

A slow smile spread across my face. “That, I can do.”

I crawled back to him, lying beside him and gently maneuvering his body to face me. My lips found his in a slow kiss, one meant to soothe any lingering doubt.

Ethan melted against me, his body softening, pliant and utterly perfect.

My hand slid down his back, cupping his ass and pulling his hips flush with mine. “I’ll take care of you, darling. You’ve got nothing to be scared of.”

“I trust you, Ash,” he said, his eyes meeting mine.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” I told him, kissing him again, my lips lingering on his. I trailed kisses down the curve of his neck, across the firm muscles of his shoulders, and along the dip of his clavicle. Ethan’s skin was like a map I wanted to memorize, every inch smooth, warm, and inviting.

I kissed his chest, feeling the rapid rise and fall of his breath. My hands caressed his sides, gliding over his ribs. My lips found his nipple, and I licked over it, rewarded by the sharp intake of his breath. I sucked lightly, eliciting a soft moan that sent a thrill through me.

Ethan arched beneath me as my mouth moved to his stomach, his abs tightening instinctively. I pressed a kiss to the space just below his navel, my hands gliding over his thighs.

“A Greek god,” I whispered, kissing the inside of his thigh and smiling at the way it quivered under my touch, “has nothing on you, my darling.”

Ethan smiled faintly, but it was the way his body responded that held my attention. I wrapped my hand around his cock, stroking him. His eyes fluttered shut, and he fell back against the bed, completely surrendering.

Grabbing the lube with my free hand, I slicked my fingers and shifted between his legs. My mouth moved over him, my lips and tongue working in tandem as I sucked his cock. The loud, unrestrained moan he let out was music to my ears.

I slid my fingers between his cheeks, circling the rim before gently pressing in. Ethan shifted against the bed, his body tense for a moment before he began to relax. I sucked him in earnest, allowing him to adjust to the sensation.

Pulling my mouth away, I curved my finger, pressing upward and watching the way his body reacted. The groan he let out was so raw, so visceral, I couldn’t help but smile. I pushed deeper, my focus entirely on him, on finding every spot that made him lose control.

When his hips began lifting off the bed, searching for more, I knew I was doing it right. I added a second finger, moving slowly, giving him time to adjust. His moans grew louder, his hands tangling in my hair, pulling and flexing in rhythm with the motion of my mouth and fingers.

“Ash,” he moaned, his voice ragged.

I pulled back, and he tried to hold me in place, but I shook my head.

“I can’t have you coming yet, pet. Too early,” I told him, and the frustrated sound he made had me biting back a grin.

I pressed my fingers upward again, and Ethan moaned, the sound rough and beautiful. I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the music of his voice guide me, playing him like an instrument.

“Pet,” I called softly, trying to bring his attention back to me. It took several tries, but when his eyes finally locked with mine, I smiled. “I’m going to add another one,” I warned him gently. “It might burn a bit at first. If it’s uncomfortable, push back.”

Ethan nodded, easing himself onto the bed, his body visibly relaxing.

I stroked his cock lightly, sucking him just enough to distract him as I added a third finger. He let out a small, uncomfortable sound, but when I slowed my movements, his body adjusted. I felt him pushing back slightly, then relaxing, letting me ease further in.

It didn’t take long for him to accommodate the stretch, and when his body softened completely, his moans rising in pitch, I knew he was ready.

I slid my fingers from him, pressing soft kisses along his overheated skin as I moved up his body.

I kissed his cheek, my lips lingering for a moment as Ethan turned his flushed face toward me. His expression was vulnerable but breathtakingly beautiful.

“I need to get you on your front, all fours,” I said softly, kissing him again but feeling the hesitation ripple through his body. “It’ll be easier for you that way. Once you’re comfortable, I’ll turn you around.”

He held me by the neck, stopping me from pulling away. “Ash.”

“Yes, darling?”

“You’re not going to hurt me, right?”

“Of course not, pet,” I assured him immediately, cupping his face. “I’ll go as slow as you need. I promise it’ll feel good. It might be uncomfortable at first while you adjust, but as soon as you relax, we’ll both have the best fucking time of our lives.”

Ethan nodded, though the worry in his eyes hadn’t completely disappeared. “Okay.”

I kissed him deeply before he turned and shifted into position. Reaching for the lube and a condom, I prepared myself, glancing over at him. Ethan was on all fours, his body taut with tension.

Leaning over his back, I kissed the curve of his neck, one arm wrapping around his waist. “On your elbows,” I instructed gently. “I need you to arch for me. If it feels like too much, take a deep breath, let your legs fall open, and arch.”

He adjusted, lowering himself further and following my instructions. I kept kissing his back, my lips brushing against his heated skin, as I guided myself to his entrance. Ethan flinched slightly at the contact but stayed still, his breaths uneven.

I let go of his waist, placing a final kiss between his shoulder blades, and steadied him with my hands on his hips. The sight of him like this nearly undid me. “Relax, my darling,” I murmured, my voice soft, before pressing forward, watching his body let me in.

I closed my eyes tightly and kept my hips still.

“Ash,” he said, his voice uncertain.

“Remember what I said,” I reminded him, kissing his shoulder.

Ethan took a deep breath and arched his back slightly, allowing me to press in further.

I moved slowly, giving him time to adjust. Pressing my palm on the bed, I leaned closer to him. I kept pushing, and he let out a sound—one that might have been discomfort.

“Is it too much?”

He shook his head.

As I pushed in deeper, his groans continued, and I stopped to kiss his shoulder again. “We’re almost there, darling,” I reassured him, my voice soothing, though every fiber of my being was on edge.

I pulled back slightly before pressing forward again, sinking deeper. His body was impossibly tight, the sensation nearly overwhelming as I focused on staying steady. “Almost there,” I said, and pushed again, letting go of my cock and pressing my hand down on his tailbone. He arched further and I sank in, our hips aligned, his perfect ass nestled on my groin. There couldn’t be a better feeling than this. I moaned as he clenched around me, running my hands over his back and kissing his neck.

“You did beautifully, my darling,” I whispered to his skin. “You feel so fucking good.”

I kept my hips still, waiting for him to get used to the feeling. It took me a minute to think through the pleasure and realize Ethan was quiet. Too quiet.

“Pet, are you okay?”

It took him a moment, but he finally shook his head. Fear surged through me.

“Is it too much?” I asked again, my voice tight with concern.

He nodded. “Please stop,”

I froze, alarmed. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, but I need you to stop. Please pull out.”

“Ethan—”

“Pull out,” he repeated, cutting me off.

I did as he asked, moving away immediately. As soon as I withdrew, he sat up quickly, his back to me, perched on the edge of the bed.

“Ethan,” I tried again, reaching out for him, but he shook his head.

“I need a minute,” he said, his voice clipped as he stood and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Panic coursed through me. What had just happened?

I discarded the condom and pulled on my briefs, knocking lightly on the door.

“Darling, are you okay?” I asked, my voice wavering despite my best efforts to stay calm.

“I need a minute.”

I rested my forehead against the door. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Give me a minute.”

I backed away, defeated, and began pacing the room. Sitting, standing, pacing again—I didn’t know what to do with myself. The minutes dragged on, each one heavier than the last.

After what felt like an eternity, the door finally opened. I was sitting on the floor beside it, and my heart leaped the moment I saw him. Ethan stepped out, wearing my robe, his expression guarded.

Ethan’s face was flushed, his eyes red-rimmed and heavy.

I reached for his hand, feeling a surge of relief when he let me take it. “Come sit,” I said gently.

He nodded and lowered himself to the floor in front of me, his head bowed, staring at his lap. I tugged him closer, wrapping my arms around him and tucking him to my chest. Ethan curled into himself, burying his face against me.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, so quietly I almost missed it.

“Don’t be sorry. Please, just tell me what’s wrong.”

He took a deep breath. “It was too much.”

“Did I hurt you?”

“No. It didn’t hurt,” he said quickly, shaking his head. “Just like you said, it was uncomfortable, but not painful.”

I exhaled, relieved. “Then what made you bolt?” I asked, holding him tighter and resting my chin on the top of his head.

Ethan stayed silent, his breaths shallow against me. I waited, giving him the time he needed.

“You were inside,” he finally said, the words strained. “I didn’t think this would happen, and then you were, and I just felt…” His voice broke off again.

“Felt what, pet?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head, his voice trembling. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“What wasn’t supposed to happen? Us having sex?”

He nodded. “Me getting fucked. That wasn’t supposed to happen,” he clarified.

I started to understand.

Ethan had me fooled. He wasn’t coming to terms with the bend of his sexuality. He was terrified, even as he wanted me. His sudden shift into willingness and enthusiasm had swept me away, but now I saw it for what it was: a mask.

“Are you upset about enjoying it?”

After a beat, he nodded.

That was at least a small relief. “Ethan, if you’re not ready for this, I understand.”

“You want this,” he said quickly, his voice almost defensive. “If we don’t, then you don’t have a reason to stay.”

“I’d still want you close to me for a while longer,” I admitted, tightening my hold on him.

“Until we stop, and you’re done,” he countered, his voice flat. “What would you even do with me if I refused to have sex?”

“Kiss you. Make you come, just like I’ve been doing, without having sex.”

He shook his head. “But this is what you want.”

“Yes,” I admitted, “but I’ve told you before, I want you to want it too. I want you to enjoy it with me. If you’re not ready, then we won’t do it.”

Ethan let out a shaky breath, his voice soft. “How am I supposed to face this after you’re gone?”

“I won’t disappear from your life completely. I can still help you. As a friend,” I offered.

“Kissing you makes everything better,” he whispered.

A small smile tugged at my lips.

“We wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. Just stare at each other,” he added, almost to himself.

I bit the inside of my lip, knowing I should set firm boundaries, but I couldn’t bring myself to draw that line.

“What if we don’t take kissing off the table right away?” I suggested against my better judgment.

Ethan pulled back to look at me, his eyes searching. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Transitional kissing. Then we’ll set another date to stop that too. Just no more sex or sleepovers.”

“And we’ll just be friends who kiss?” he asked, skeptical.

“Yeah. Like, right now, we’re friends who fuck around,” I said with a soft smile.

“Not really,” he murmured, resting his head on my shoulder. “Is that what you see me as? Your friend?”

I sighed, leaning my head back against the wall. “Not just my friend, no.”

“Do you like me?”

“You know I like you,” I countered.

“Yeah, but do you have non -sex-related feelings for me?”

“Ethan—”

He shifted closer, unrelenting. “I know this is supposed to be just about sex. I know that. But it’s hard to do this without it getting to me,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.

I exhaled heavily. “You said?—”

“I know what I said, Ash,” he cut me off. “I’m being honest with you. I wish I was made of stone or something so this wouldn’t get to me, but it does. I don’t want to be disposable to you.”

“You’re not disposable to me. We’ve been over this, darling. You know why things are the way they are. And yes, of course I like you, but this isn’t…” I hesitated, searching for the gentlest way to phrase it.

“It’s not love,” he finished for me, his tone resigned.

I nuzzled my face into his hair. “It’s not love, pet.”

He stayed quiet for a moment. “You’d be fine if I decided I was okay with us just fucking around? If I left here to have sex with someone else?”

“Yes.”

“What if it was another man? Another older man who wanted to fuck me?”

“I’d be fine with that,” I said, though my discomfort prickled beneath my words.

“Really?” He tilted his chin up, his gaze piercing. “Your fuck boy told me to call him so we could have some fun too. Would you mind that?”

Fucking Chris. I closed my eyes tightly. “That would be…awkward. But if you wanted to, I guess it would be okay.”

“What if I wanted Henry to fuck me?”

That one hit harder than I expected. I tried to keep my face neutral, but I knew he could see right through me.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t keep it in the family.”

Ethan let out a bitter laugh. “Stop lying to me. You ask me to trust you, and I do, but not if you lie to me.”

“Do you want to play the honesty game, Ethan?” I asked, my tone sharper than I intended.

“Yes.”

“Did you lie when you told me you could handle this being just about sex?”

“Yes,” he admitted without hesitation. “Do you really have no feelings for me other than lust? Can you keep this only about sex?”

“That’s more than one question,” I deflected.

“Pick one.”

“No. It’s not the same with you,” I admitted, my honesty softening his expression. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to separate it.”

“The feelings you have for me from the sex?”

“The feelings from the need to end this.”

Hurt flashed in his eyes. “I’m sorry I disappointed you,” he said softly, the fight leaving him again.

“You didn’t disappoint me—don’t think that. I want you to feel safe with me.”

“I do feel safe with you. That’s why I don’t want you to leave.”

“Darling…” I trailed off, stroking his hair as he nuzzled closer.

“I’m sorry I freaked out. You didn’t hurt me. It didn’t feel bad at all.”

“It didn’t?”

“No. It felt good. Having you inside me felt really good. It just scared me.”

My cock stirred at his words.“That felt really good for me too.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. But it’s okay if you don’t want to do it again.”

“Can we go back to your bed? Sleep?” he asked, his voice barely audible.

“Of course,” I said, unwrapping myself from him and helping him up.

We climbed into bed, curling into each other.

As I held him, my thoughts churned. I was so far out of my comfort zone. I had no idea how to handle Ethan. He didn’t follow any rules, and he didn’t let me lead like I was supposed to.

For the second time that night, I thought about calling this off before it got messier.

Instead I held him tighter, burying my face in his hair, and let sleep take me.

For now, I’d just drink him in for a little longer.