Page 30 of When a Highlander Vows (Enemies to Lovers #1)

30

L ucas spun the whisky bottle in his hands as he sat next to the hearth in his study, Archie across from him. Both Percy and Fallows were laying nearby, and he wondered why.

They should go and comfort Caitlin, nae me, he thought, annoyed with himself yet again.

Now that they were returned from dealing with the skirmishes, Lucas had every intention to get very, very drunk. He’d started on whisky and was nearly halfway through the bottle when Archie appeared to join him.

“The men are daein’ their rounds,” Archie said, slipping into the chair across from him and reaching for the bottle in Lucas’ hands. “I’ve sent two soldiers to ride with a message as well. For MacGregor.”

“Good, good.” Lucas didn’t look at Archie as he passed over the bottle.

He stared at the orange licks of the flame in the fireplace, and he tried to steer his mind to the two men who’d attacked them weeks ago. It was better than thinking of Caitlin.

“We still daenae ken who would have attacked us. I suppose it could have been anyone, really. But sensin’ the way things are goin’ at the borders, perhaps there is some relation. Although I cannae think of it. It is nae as if we’ve received any other sort of message.”

“Aye, true. But…” Archie paused and took a swig of the bottle before handing it back, “I think I would rather talk about Caitlin.”

“Och, that again? Have we nae already talked enough about it? At the tavern the other day.” Lucas shrugged and drank, hoping Archie didn’t see the regret in his face.

He hadn’t though he’d hurt Caitlin in the way she’d accused him. He thought by staying away, by not taking it further than kissing and touching, he was protecting her. But her face when she’d told him the truth had nearly broke his heart. When she’d told him that even those things hurt her, his whole world had crumbled. Hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do. It felt as bad as plucking the sun from the sky.

“Aye, this again.” Archie reached out for the bottle again, and he stood to grab two cups.

Pouring the whisky into them, he said, “When ye returned from the sea this afternoon, ye were in a right bad mood. Nay doubt it had somethin’ to dae with the new friend of Caitlin’s comin’ around? Sarah told me about it, and that she was out by the sea walkin’ with him.”

“What of it? He is hardly a friend. The way he looks at her. I can read his mind, clear as day.” He huffed, but he grabbed the cup handed to him, and he took a sip.

His brain was now fuzzy with drink, and slowly the edges of his anger were softening. But guilt remained, cold, hard, and heavy in his gut.

“Lucas, ye are a fool. I think ye love the lass. I have never seen ye act this way about a woman. Caitlin is a good lass, and if ye love her, then ye should ask her to marry ye.”

“Marry?” Lucas said with a bitter laugh. “I told ye, I cannae taint her. What if I am just as bad as me own faither was? What if I ended up treatin’ her like shite, just as he did to me maither and me?”

He shuddered, remembering the cool lick of a whip on his back. His father would almost seek out excuses to hit Lucas, even if the reasons were small. Chopping firewood incorrectly, turning the sword wrong in his hands, or even tripping were minor things his father would take issue with. And his mother would find ways to release her anger upon him as well, even though she knew the feeling of his father’s whip upon her back too.

It was only Nan who’d held him close, touched him tenderly, and reminded him that there was more to the world. Still, he’d kept to his castle for as long as he could, not wanting to go very far if he could help it. In his mind, people were not to be trusted generally. Seamus had been the one bright light after Nan, and now, Caitlin was becoming the brightest light in his life. She reminded him that not everything was darkness, even though it so often felt that way.

He took another sip. “I couldnae bear to see meself change afore me eyes into me faither. It will happen one day.”

“If it has nae happened already, then it willnae happen, Lucas,” Archie said, sighing. “I cannae understand why ye willnae let yerself be happy. To find love is the greatest thing in the world. Without Sarah, I would be nothin’. To find that union with someone else is incredible. Nae many people find that. Ye should thank God ye have been lucky enough to.”

Lucas’ heart fluttered, as it always did when he thought of Caitlin and what could be. Leaning forward, he glanced up at Archie.

“But dae ye nae think it is only lust? I havenae kenned the lass for long.”

He heard a soft chuckle and turned to see his Nan in the doorway, laughing and crossing her arms.

“What are ye daein’, sneakin’ about, comin’ into a man’s sanctuary and listenin’ in?” Lucas asked angrily.

He blushed, and he hid it by throwing back the rest of his whisky. He held out his cup to Archie to fill it again.

Nan stepped further into the room, and she sat on the arm of Lucas’ chair, placing a knobby hand on his shoulder.

“Listen to yer friend, Lad, if ye willnae listen to me,” she said softly.

The way she spoke reminded him of how she’d comfort him when he was younger after his father or mother had beaten him for some small mistake. He looked away from her.

“Ye are makin’ a mistake,” she continued. “As soon as that lass came into our lives, I could see the light in her. And I wanted ye to see it too. I wanted some light to come into yer own life so that ye could find that old, boyish happiness again, Lucas. Ye deserve it. Yer faither and maither are gone now. Have been gone for years, yet ye let the past tell ye how ye should live. Ye let their words and their beatings keep ye from bein’ happy, even though they are now long gone.”

She pointed to his chest. “It is in ye to make the choice to become yer faither or nae. It is a choice, and ye daenae have to make it. It is nae just somethin’ that will happen to ye. Me son made a choice, Lucas,” Nan said, her voice thick with tears. “He chose his evil path, for he could see nay other way. Ye dae. Ye see a way of light and goodness. Choose that one, and daenae look away from it.”

Lucas had nothing to say to those words. They had been spoken out of love and care, and the fact that he had now been told so often by his family and friends that he should stop thinking of himself in such a negative way, he knew it must mean something. Even if he could not yet see it himself.

“I will think about it,” he said in a shaky voice. Looking into their eyes, he said, “I thank ye. But will ye let me think on me own for a while?”

“Aye,” Archie said, standing. “I shall.”

Nan stood and kissed him on the cheek, leaning down over him. “Ye will find the way soon enough, Lad.”

He nodded, and Archie led her out of the room. With a sigh, Lucas rubbed a hand over his face and now thickening beard. Caitlin seemed to like it, the way her fingers always touched it whenever they were close.

He smiled to himself as he brushed a hand over it remembering the feel of her fingertips on it as he held her close around the waist. Whenever he had her in his arms, everything felt right in the world. He could see a future with her, and he could imagine himself happy. But then, an image of his father beating his mother would quickly come to mind.

After that, he’d pull away, remembering himself, knowing he didn’t deserve to have someone so sweet and special as Caitlin. But he’d heard their words tonight. Maybe it was a choice within him to be able to decide whether to be like his father or not. That made him feel more powerful than he had in a long time.

But if I am to make things right, I must prove it to meself. That I am worth of Caitlin. That I could be what she deserves.

Despite the haze of whisky settling over his mind, Lucas was beginning to form an idea. But that meant he would need to leave again, and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back.