Page 23 of Wake Me Up (New England Bay Sharks #5)
I end the call with my mother—a call I never thought I’d make—where I asked her and my dad to show up at city hall this afternoon and witness me marrying another man.
And to do it without asking any questions and to make my father be a good sport.
The call wasn’t exhausting because my mom knew not to say much.
She understands me enough to know I didn’t come to this decision lightly.
It’s only nine a.m., and so far, I’ve just gone through the motions.
Doing all my usual tasks—taking the kids to school and going about my day just like I always do, besides work.
But while everything looks normal, inside, everything feels incredibly heavy.
How could it not feel heavy when I’m sitting beside the road, next to the cemetery my husband is buried in, dreading going to see him?
As weird as it sounds, I always enjoy coming here because I can bring him flowers, tell him a funny story about his kids, or just vent about life.
Even though it’s not the same as having him here and it sometimes makes me crave his touch and need to hear his voice more than ever, it also keeps us connected in some way.
So, while I generally like coming to visit, I’ve found myself stuck in this car the past twenty-five minutes, just trying to remind my legs how to walk the path to his grave.
Finally, I force myself to open the door, and slowly, I step outside into the cool autumn air. I close my door before zipping my jacket up and let my feet lead me to where I need to go.
This has always been my favorite season in New England, ever since I was a little girl. The leaves change, the air is crisper, and somehow everything seems … serener. While that may be what’s going on out here today, inside of my body, it’s the opposite of calm.
When I reach my husband’s grave, the words beloved husband, father, son, brother, and friend stare at me, just like they always do, yet my eyes fixate on beloved husband and nothing else.
“I feel like you already know why I’m here, baby,” I croak.
The sight of his grave becomes blurry through my tear-soaked eyes, and I sink down onto my knees before it. I let my head fall forward because I feel too ashamed to look at the writing on the stone any longer.
“I am only marrying him because it’s what Avy needs, Jamie,” I rasp gruffly.
“If there were another way—a way that wouldn’t put me or our parents in deep debt—I’d do it.
” My shoulders shrug pathetically. “But as crazy as it sounds—and trust me, I know it’s crazy …
I think this is the only choice I have. Avy deserves to get better, and I know deep down, even if you hate me right now, you feel the same.
” I sob into my hands. “I know because you’re the world’s best dad, Jamie.
Nothing was more important to you than our kids. It’s why I love you the way that I do.”
I allow myself to cry harder, letting my shoulders shake and my face become soaked until, finally, I tell myself that’s enough and to pull it together.
Lifting my face, I can’t help but weep as I put my hand on his stone. A stone with a pond and a deer because my husband loved nothing more than hunting and fishing, and even though it wasn’t enough, the least I could do was get him a nice stone to honor him and what an amazing man he was.
“I love you, Jamie Hale. I will always love you, and I will always be your wife.” I sniffle. Bringing my fingers to my lips, I press a kiss to my hand before touching the stone. “Goodbye, baby. Please forgive me someday. I’m begging you.”
It takes me a moment to gain my strength back, but finally, I do, and I stand up.
And as I slowly walk back to my car and get in, I sink down into my seat, and I cry.
I fall the fuck apart, and for an hour, I don’t even force myself to get it together.
Because I will no longer be only Jamie Hale’s wife after today, and in my eyes, that deserves a good fucking cry.
So, I let myself feel like a piece of shit.
And I allow myself a goddamn minute to just … grieve.