Page 20 of Viper (The Dark Angel’s MC #4)

Lake

I stare out of the hospital window, my hand gently moving up and down my stomach as the baby moves while the men talk about me near the door.

Guilt is eating away at me.

I didn’t mean to cut that deep, I really didn’t.

Cherri’s voice was echoing in my head, her nasty words.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so when I got home, I thought if I just climbed in the shower and let the water run down on me, then my thoughts would be silenced, but they didn’t.

After going so long without doing it, I succumbed to the need.

I broke my razor and got the blade, but my body was shaking, I was sobbing, the thought of Viper being with her and Kitty, it destroyed me, and I, well, I slipped and cut too deep on one side…

The second wrist was intentional, but only because the deeper the cut, the more my mind silenced.

According to the doctor who just tried to convince me to go to therapy, my husband found me, and I’m lucky to be alive.

My husband.

I look up from my stomach and look at Viper, no, not Viper, my Jaylen, who lied to ensure he could stay with me when I was brought in.

I have so many regrets, the biggest being not fighting for him, not making him understand he was being a jackass, and that I loved him. Now, he probably hates me and thinks I tried to trap him, but I didn’t, and I’m not like Cherri.

That guy from two months ago, I was completely out of my mind, so I barely remember it.

I only recall the feeling of disgust afterwards.

I haven’t slept with anyone else, not wanting to, like she probably would have, and I’m also giving my child up to a family that is far away from here.

She won’t have a label placed on her as soon as she’s born, like I did.

She’ll live a life full of happiness, especially if I’m not involved.

I don’t know how to be a mother, and as you can see, I’m already messing up, and she isn’t even here yet. I’m not eating right, and I’m a cutter. She deserves more than that.

I look over his features, the dress shirt and slacks suiting him, even with his cut over it.

I miss him so much…

I sniffle and look down as the doctor shakes his hand before I hear, “Give me ten minutes,” and then his footstep sounds echo in the quiet room, along with the beeping.

A body sits on my bed, a warm tattooed hand grabbing mine, and without looking up, I clutch it tight, letting his strength run through me before he gently runs his other hand over my stomach, our daughter moving underneath his palm.

Guess she knows who her daddy is…

I could give her to him.

I blink, no, that’s a stupid idea putting her right in the middle of the club that put the label on me before I was even born.

“You’re refusing rehab,” he whispers after a few minutes of silence, and I swallow hard.

I lie and murmur, “I don’t need it,” not looking at him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his hazel eyes that I love so much.

He sighs and replies lowly, “Shorty, I found you drenched in your own blood in the shower.”

My tears fall and I sob, “And I’m so sorry for that, I never wanted you to see that.”

He lets go of my hand and cups my cheek, forcing me to look at him, and our eyes connect, his shining with unshed tears.

“I messed up,” he admits with a croak, “I never should have reacted the way I did that day, I never should have accused you of something I had no proof of. I should have remembered who you were, your heart,” more tears fall and he wipes them away with his thumb and he whispers, “I was scared, shorty. I never wanted a woman, never trusting them, not with what I’ve seen over the years at the club, with who my mama was.

I’ve seen so much shit with the brothers and their pain, I mean, look at Venom, his mama was a patch chaser fooling everyone, and even now she’s returned for money. ”

He gently leans forward and places his forehead against mine and I sob at the pain he’s showing me.

He rasps, “I never should have left to clear my head, I should have stayed and for that I am so fucking sorry but please, shorty, I am begging you, please go to the program,” I shake my head, the thought of being there scaring me and he pleads, “For three weeks, just three weeks, to get your fears, your emotions out, to talk through what makes you want to hurt yourself this way, to-to give our daughter to strangers, please, Lake…”

He gently moves his hand from my bump to my hand, his fingers gently touching the bandage, and he whispers, “Please, Lake, please go to rehab, if not for you, then do it for your dad, do it for me… do it, do it for our baby.”

My body trembles and I sob, “I don’t want the baby, I don’t know how to be a mama.”

He leans up a little, keeping his face near mine as he declares, “But you know how to be a good parent, how to love a child. Look at Tate, who adores you, Hudson…”

He cups my cheek and states vehemently, “You are the most caring, beautiful person I have ever met, and even through all the pain, the hurt, the anger, I always knew that and so did Tate. That little girl absolutely adores you, and you treat her like she’s your own.

You can do this, Lake, you can be a mama and while yours is the biggest bitch out there, she taught you one thing,” his eyes race between mine, “She taught you what not to do to our daughter while your dad, he taught you how to always be there for her, to show her your love everyday just like he does with you. And Mama Lopez, she taught you kindness, that blood doesn’t mean you are not family as well as the girls. ”

My tears fall again, and he whispers, “So many people in your life have taught you how to love, how to put others before yourself. Don’t give up because you’ve gone into this depressive state that I sent you into.”

Nothing but guilt and heartbreak shines off him, and I try to look away, unable to handle it all. He doesn’t let me for long as he cups my cheek tighter and he pleads, “Just three weeks, shorty and I’ll come visit you every week, to allow you to unwind, to tell me how you really feel… Please .”

The door opens, but Jaylen doesn’t move, instead, he keeps his eyes on me, and my dad's voice rings out, “Listen to him, pumpkin, you need this, and you never know, you may change your mind about the baby.”

I don’t see that happening, I refuse to be selfish like Cherri was, and as great a father as my dad was, staying in the area where I was labelled a whore because of who birthed me was his downfall.

I didn’t get to experience high school or make friends organically. I couldn’t even walk down the street without people calling me a whore.

“Please, shorty,” Jaylen begs again, and my tears fall, and I slowly close my eyes before nodding. I whisper, “I’ll do it, but I need to continue with my studies,” and he sighs with relief before pressing his lips against my forehead, while my mind begins to whirl.

He only wants this because of the baby.

So much hate and hurt is between us, so much toxicity, and he even left, proving we were done, that there was no coming back.

I’ll do this, but more to appease him and my family, then I need him to see that keeping this baby is not the right route for us. That being part of the club or anywhere near it, or Cherri, is not possible. If he doesn’t see it, then I’ll have to leave until the adoption is finalized.

He’ll thank me in the end.