Page 10 of Tweedles Reflection (The Crimes of Alice #4)

Where did I start? What did I say? How did I explain what I’d done and not lose the tentative relationships I’d rebuilt with the males around me?

“Why don’t you start with where it all began?” Mab offered, as if seeing my struggle. “The Shadow Man.”

I focused on the wall behind the fae queen, letting my mind bring the memories to the forefront. Then I told them my story.

“Wait,” Coby stopped me, “the shadows came to you in a dream? While you were with us? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Now, now,” Mab cut in before I could answer. “This is time for truths. Save your questions for afterward.” She gave a cruel smile. “I’m sure there will be many.”

My molars ground together. It was hard enough to get through the story without the commentary from the queen. At least she stopped Coby from asking too many questions I didn’t want to answer right now.

“When I left you after our... picnic,” I wasn’t going to elaborate for the queen’s and her guards’ entertainment, “and followed Watch to the Tree of Life, where I ate from the fruit.”

“What was that like?” one of the guards spat out before the queen could shoot him a warning look.

I shrugged. “A bit like a peach. Then an overwhelming buzzing of power and well... an explosion of senses. You have no idea how it feels to go from being human to being, well, more. The feeling was euphoric.”

I blinked and glanced at the others, willing them to understand.

“You cannot imagine how it felt for me. I was human. Nothing, no one. So vulnerable and easily broken. And then...” I glanced up at the ceiling, a smile growing on my face as I remembered.

“Seeing everything. Colors were brighter. Sounds sharper. I could smell the very earth beneath my feet.”

No matter what happened here or in the future, I knew there was no way I could go back to being a mere human. It would be like being blind, dumb, and deaf. I would sooner die than go back to who I was before.

“It’s hard to explain exactly.” My face grew somber. “The sudden feeling of knowing that you’re no longer bound to mortality. That, while I could still die, time would no longer be my enemy.”

I spun around a sudden rush of emotion coming over me.

“I didn’t care about the power. Not really.

I’d be lying to say I didn’t like the rush it gave me.

” I flicked the color of my gloves back and forth between shades.

“The power to glamour anything? To make others see and believe whatever I wanted?”

I paused, letting my gaze move over each of my lovers’ faces.

“I didn’t take the shadows’ deal to become powerful.

I wanted...” My heart thudded faster in my chest. “I wanted to stay. I wanted to belong.” I let out a self-depreciating laugh.

“Of course, that changed once I did what I did, and now, I don’t really belong anywhere. ”

“Alice darling...” Hatter reached for me, no doubt feeling the agony in my chest.

I shook my head and stepped back from him, forcing myself to ignore the hurt that came my way at my actions. “No, don’t. Not yet. Not until you hear all of it.”

My back was to the queen, but I knew she wouldn’t care. This story wasn’t for her ears, anyway. That’s not what she wanted. She wanted me to bare my secrets to them. Either for her own sick pleasure of seeing me in pain or some kind of test to see if they would stay by my side.

I didn’t know which one nor care. All that matter was the knife’s edge I balanced on as I told the rest of my story.

“I didn’t find out what the shadows wanted in return right away.” My arms wrapped around my waist, hugging myself. “I also didn’t return to find you...” My eyes lingered on the dingy tiles of the hotel sitting area.

“You went home,” Cheshire murmured.

Their eyes bore into me, heavy on my shoulders.

“No,” I whispered and then blinked up at them, my gaze hardening. The feeling I felt that night swelling in my chest. My heart was hard and cold as my voice lifted, “I didn’t go home. I went to Lewis.”

The Tweedles exchanged a look with each other, their brows furrowed in confusion. Cheshire’s expression didn’t change, probably guessing where this story was going. The satyr before had made sure to spill my little secret to him.

Except he didn’t know the extent of it. None of them did. Not even Hatter, who watched me with anguish on his face. I knew he could feel what I was feeling right now, and I could sense how his heart broke for me.

“The man who claimed to love me and then tried to use me for my stories of Wonderland.” I spun around to face the queen, unable to bear their gazes.

“I snuck into his home, into his bedroom where he slept. Time moves differently here than there as you know. He already had a new bride in his bed then. Already had a new family.”

The bite in my voice made even me flinch.

“It had hurt to see him like that. So peaceful and asleep in his bed, his pretty bride there beside him. And I thought, why? Why should he have a happily ever after when I didn’t?

Why should he get to have anything at all?

They took so much from me when they called me mad.

But him?” I growled, my fingers curling into fists.

“He pretended to love me, worse to believe me and, in that moment, I felt the viciousness that came with being fae.”

Mab watched me. No judgement on her face. She simply waited for me to bare it all.

“It was quite amusing, actually.” I smiled, and it wasn’t a pretty one. “I left him as nothing, no one, just a mad little girl with rambles of talking cats and mad tea parties,” my eyes flicked to Cheshire and then Hatter,” and came back stronger — better — than any of them.”

“I didn’t kill him,” I spit out before their minds could go there. “I just want to make it clear that I didn’t kill him. I wanted to. Honestly, I probably should have...” I trailed off, chewing on my lower lip. “It would have been a mercy really.”

And here you once thought nothing was worse than death.

I scowled at the ground, unwilling to start a dialogue with the Shadow Man.

“My new powers came in quite handy with dealing with Lewis,” I continued, the scene in my head unraveling from my mouth.

“He was so surprised to see me. So many questions. He asked me where I’d been, if I’d been home.

Telling me how worried my family had been.

And for a moment, I thought about going home to see them. ..”

I nodded as if reminding myself. “It was just a flicker of an instance, barely a blimp in time, where I thought of returning to my life there in the Human Realm. Then...”

The unsurmountable rage that filled me had even Hatter stumbling. Cheshire caught him, stroking a hand across his back as he murmured soothing words in his ear. I didn’t have it in me to feel bad for making Hatter feel what I was feeling. I was caught up in the memory.

“Ally,” Coby prodded, “it’s alright, you can tell us.”

My gaze jerked up to meet Coby’s, what he saw there must have been startling because his eyes widened. “He asked if I had any new stories of Wonderland.”

The simmer rage inside of me morphed into something else. Something darker. Something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

“I asked him if he wanted to see Wonderland.” My lips twitched at the memory of his excitement.

“Then I used my newfound powers and showed him. I showed him the JubJub, all sharp claws and molting feathers. The way he screamed and cried for me to stop. His wife ran from the room, no doubt searching for the children.”

I took a deep breath, blinking away the memory. “I had nothing against his wife or kids. It wasn’t their fault their father was such a...” I growled and struggled to come up with something that was worthy of how much I hated Lewis. “A god damn motherfucker.”

I’d heard Kat use the phrase enough time to know that it fit Lewis like a shoe. In fact, it might be too good a term for my ex-fiancé.

“When I had Lewis cornered, bawling like a child, all snot and puffy eyes. It wasn’t an attractive look.

Even worse was the way he cowered. He didn’t beg for his wife’s or children’s lives.

That I could have at least respected. If he had loved them the way I loved all of you. ..” My gaze softened on them.

“But he didn’t. He soiled himself and curled up into a ball in the drawing room I’d just destroyed. As I stared down at him, it came to me. He was a coward. A simpering waste of space, not worthy of my time or my malice.

“So, I let him live. I changed back to myself and knelt beside him.” I sighed, filled with a feeling of nostalgia.

“I warned him to become a better man. One who was worthy of his family because, if he didn’t, I would come back and show him exactly how wicked Wonderland could be.

Then I lit his drawing room on fire with him in it and left. ”

I shifted on my feet and winced. “You all know what happened after that.”

Silence followed my ending for a long moment.

Coby was the first to break it. “You said you didn’t kill him?"

I arched a brow. “I didn’t. Obviously, or there wouldn’t have been that horrible book series he released about me and Wonderland.”

“But that doesn’t mean he didn’t die that day,” the guard from earlier interjected. No one stopped him so he kept going. “I mean, someone could have found his writings and had them published in his name.”

I thought about it for a moment and hummed before shrugging, “Maybe. Maybe not. Kat never mentioned if there was a record on if he died that night. I suppose we could look it up, but does it really matter now?”

“You... you don’t care?” Carban voice jerked me out of my musings. “You may have killed someone, and it doesn’t bother you?”

My eyes shifted to him and opened my mouth to answer.

Mab cut in first. “Truth, now.”

I clipped my mouth shut and shot her an annoyed frown. Hadn’t she gotten enough truth from me tonight? I turned back to Carban and said the words that I knew she wanted to hear.

“No. Had I hoped he’d die in that fire? Yes. It would have given me unbounded joy to know that he no longer walked any world after he betrayed me.”

“Why did you warn him to be better?” Cheshire held Hatter to his chest, his emerald orbs watching me. “If you were just going to kill him anyway?”

Hatter lifted his head. “Because she wanted to give him hope.”

The ring on my finger burned with approval. I shoved my hand in my pocket, not wanting to acknowledge that the Shadow Man liked my actions.

“I...” Coby shook his head, rubbing his hand over his jaw. “I don’t know what to say, Ally.”

“I’m not asking you to say anything,” I shot back, building a wall around my heart with each word. “I’m not ashamed of what I did. If I had the choice, I’d do it again.”

“There it is,” Mab crooned from behind me. “We finally have the truth.”

I twisted back to the queen. Her gaze swept over me as if seeing me for the first time. There was a moment of clarity in her eyes before pity filled them.

The others didn’t say anything else. Maybe they were too caught up in my story. Or, like Coby, they didn’t know what to say. Either way, I gave Mab what she wanted, even if it was at the expense of the progress I’d made in my relationships.

I stalked across the room and held my hand out. “The blessing?”

“Yes.” Mab lifted the stone in front of her. “You have earned this fair and square. However,” she held the stone back before I could take it, “I will warn you once more. What you will gain from these trials may not be greater than what you lose.”

“Very well, I’ve been warned. The blessing?” I pushed my hand out with more force.

With a meaningful look, Mab dropped the blessing into my hand.

A jolt of energy swept through me like I’d never felt before. My vision blurred. The sight of the Tree of Life stood before me. The scene zoomed in on the base of the tree, where three small notches marked the trunk. Spots that looked the same size and shape as the three blessings.

Then my vision cleared and I was back before the queen once again.

“You have your heading,” Mab cryptically said before tipping her chin toward the others. “Take it from someone who thought they had forever. Do not let them slip through your fingers.”

My fingers curled around the stone, and my eyes went to the four males who were everything to me. “I won’t.”