Page 36

Chapter thirty-six

Landon

B leary-eyed, Landon searched the room for Keala when he didn’t feel her in his arms. She was sitting at the foot of the bed, her duffel packed and on her lap.

“Keeks?”

She looked at him, clearly holding back tears. He sat up, reaching for her, but she shook her head, setting her jaw resolutely.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

He cocked his head. “Oh, is it too many people? We can leave early, that’s no problem. I’ll say something came up.”

Keala shook her head again. “No, Landon.” She gestured between them. “This.”

“This.” He repeated blankly. “Us?”

She nodded.

“I’m confused. We were all good last night. What happened?” He was trying to cover the shaking of his voice. The one emotion Landon could identify well, anger, was coming to the surface, and he was doing everything he could to keep it at bay.

“Something happened at the hospital. I need to go.”

“But you’re off. You don’t work until tomorrow.” He knew she’d switched her Monday shift for Sunday to make it to the game.

“I need to go,” she repeated. “And I think it would be best if we steer clear of each other for a while. I’ll stay at my parents’ house.”

“Keala, I don’t think this is healthy. We can change our flights, but I don’t understand why this has any bearing on us . We’ll get you to the hospital.”

“I should never have agreed to allow anything between us. It’s taken too much of my focus from work. I’m too busy for anything like this right now.”

The anger he’d allowed to simmer flared. “Are you too busy, or are you afraid of finally being selfish for once? Of telling people no? You hate working at the hospital. So quit and do what you want. Find somewhere you can dance. I know you don’t want to stop choreographing, so don’t. Choose yourself for once .”

Something snapped in her. He saw it happen right before she stood and said, “I knew you wouldn’t understand. I can’t! Okay, Landon? I can’t do that. I can’t choose you and I can’t choose dance. My brother just got into medical school, and I’m a washed up twenty-seven-year-old with debt from a degree I wish I’d never wasted my time or tears on and two parents who won’t possibly accept that what I want to do, what I’ve always wanted to do, is dance. Dance doesn’t pay, does it?”

Keala shouldered her bag, then continued, “Nobody in my parents’ circles will understand, and then what? Then I become Nohea. I become the outcast, the disappointment, the kid they expected so much from but who couldn’t take the pressure. I’m not doing that. I’ve worked too fucking hard for too long to make sure I don’t become the child my parents refuse to talk about.”

Landon wanted to get on his knees and beg her to stay, but he knew she wouldn’t. For the first time in his life, after promising he never would, he’d opened up to someone, and like he’d expected, she was leaving.

So when she whispered an “I’m sorry. Goodbye,” and ran from the room, he didn’t so much as look in her direction.

Landon pretended he was fine through brunch and all through their time at the temple. He knew it was something Maya liked for them to do together, so he’d lied and said something had come up at work for Keala. That things were all good. He ignored the incredulous looks he kept getting.

When they got back to the house, he threw on a pair of sweatpants and went for a run around the neighborhood, enjoying the pain of the freezing cold on his bare chest. It bit at him, taking his mind off the fact that he’d been vulnerable with her in the hopes that someone would finally care. He couldn’t say he was surprised to learn no one did.

Landon finished his run, sweaty and angry, and threw himself onto Nana and Nani’s front lawn. He would go inside when his mind quieted and continue to pretend everything was okay, but for now, he needed a few moments alone with his thoughts.

The front door opened, and to his dismay, Colton came and sat beside him. When Landon sat up and glanced back, Maya gave him a concerned yet reassuring smile before she shut the door.

“I’m not in the mood to talk right now. I know Maya wants us to get this over with, but if it could wait a few more hours…” Landon said roughly. He was surprised that, the moment Colton had come out, a swarm of paparazzi hadn’t rushed to take photos of him.

“One thing having an almost two-year-old daughter has taught me is patience, so take the time you need, and I’ll talk.”

Landon sighed but didn’t respond.

“I don’t know what’s going on with Keala and you, but it’s clearly bothering you. Maya practically ripped out her hair stressing about it this morning. You’re lucky Cooper’s been holding her back, because based on the amount of information she gave me, it seems like she’d have a lot to say to you.”

“Nothing is going on, I—”

“Maya and Cooper were in the room next door and heard your fight, so you can stop lying.”

Landon swore, lying down so he didn’t have to look his brother in the eye.

“If it helps, Lucia and I had some bumps in the road before we got together.”

“Really? You, the man who can do no wrong, had issues with your wife? How did that turn out for you? Oh, wait.” He didn’t know why, but talking to Colton made him regress to a childlike state.

“Look at the chip on that shoulder, man.”

“Fuck off.”

Landon could practically hear Colton roll his eyes. “All I’m saying is it sounds like she’s scared. Obviously, something happened with her job, but based on what Maya told me, it seems like she’s spent her entire life trying to be what everyone else wants, and for some reason, you were different for her. I imagine you infuriated the shit out of her—”

“Thanks.”

“But that’s not the point. The point is, Maya thinks she’s been pushing the limits to see how much it’ll take for you to prove that she’s right. That eventually the people who know the real her will leave.”

Landon groaned. “I’m tired of you sick-in-love Beaumonts preaching to me about relationships.”

“Can you shut the fuck up for two seconds and listen to me?”

“No, because you’re wrong. I didn’t leave her. She left me. I was honest with her about my feelings. I told her shit I’ve never told anyone, things I now know I shouldn’t have told her, but I did. And now she’s gone.”

Colton sighed. “Look, I get it. I get being scared to be vulnerable. But that’s not what happened. Something spooked her, and she’s retreating. It doesn’t have anything to do with you sharing your feelings. If it did, she wouldn’t have come here to meet your entire family. Ultimately, it’s going to be up to her to choose you and tell you what’s going on, but she needs to know you’re still there for her to get to that point.”

“So, what? I go back and act like everything is all good?”

“I don’t know. Maybe iron out the specifics with Lucia and Maya, but do whatever showing up for her looks like, I guess. Let her know that you’ll be there when she changes her mind.”

“ If she changes her mind.”

“According to Lucia, she was ‘radiating love’ for you yesterday. Nobody thinks this break is permanent. You can give her the space she needs while not giving up on her. We saw you interact over the course of one meal and could tell how much you care about each other. So don’t give up on her.”

Landon sat back up, finally shifting so he faced Colton. “What’s with the brotherly advice all of a sudden?”

“That’s not fair. I’ve tried, Landon. I’ve made every effort in the last few years to rectify our issues.”

That was true. Landon had spent so much of his life resenting his brother, he had never thought of the efforts as sincere. But that was probably his own issue.

“Okay, yeah. But I don’t think you understand how hard it is to be your younger brother. I have spent every moment of my life in your shadow. Nothing I did was ever good enough for Dad, and when we got older, it wasn’t enough for anybody else either. In high school, if I made an impossible catch, somehow you would get the credit because it was a good throw. Why did it always have to be you over me? Why couldn’t they have seen that we were good as a team?”

Colton nodded. “I know. I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’m sorry you had to grow up like that. And if it makes you feel better, nothing I do is ever enough for Dad either.”

“It doesn’t make me feel better. He might still say shit to you, but at least you know he cares about you. He shows up for you. He comes to your games. Everyone comes to your games.”

“You can’t blame me for geography. Maya is there because of Cooper.”

“I can when Dad moved across the country—even though Maya was still in high school and I was still in college—because you got drafted.”

“Do you know how much of a living hell that was? To have him come to every game and nitpick my every move? Have you ever thought that maybe I worked so hard because I wanted to take the brunt of his attention away from you? Sometimes, Landon, no attention was better than his full attention, I promise you that.”

Landon was about to retort, but he bit his tongue. “You did that?”

“I didn’t know in the beginning that it’s what I was doing, but I figured it out a couple of years ago. I knew that if I could keep his focus on me, he would leave you alone.”

Landon thought about all the times his dad had insulted him for having emotions, even after their mom had gotten sick and passed. He thought about the few times his dad had watched his games. Landon had always thought what he did wasn’t enough, but if he’d worked harder and his father had come to all of his games, even when he was at his best, would it have been enough for him?

Probably not.

Colton rubbed his chin. “I hate to break it to you, but the way Dad treated you wasn’t my fault. I know I was the easier scapegoat, but he just has issues. I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you feel like you weren’t as good as me, because if I did, that was on me. But the way Dad acts has nothing to do with me. I don’t ask him to treat you that way.”

“Fine. But that doesn’t change that the media and journalists won’t shut up about my brother and his three championship wins. It’s not a good feeling when I have zero, and I’m tired of hearing about it.”

Colton scoffed. “Then get your ass up and work for it, man. You think that came easily for me? Hell no. I worked my ass off. If you applied yourself the way I do, you could be as good as any league great. It has never been about you versus me. It’s you versus yourself. Choosing to cry about the fact that I’ve put my whole life into this and consequently have something to show for it isn’t doing you any favors. Yeah, you’re going to disappoint people sometimes, but you will never be great if you don’t try .”

He hated that Colton was right. “I have been trying. I’ve been working my ass off this season.”

“And look at the Sentinels’ record. It’ll be the same as ours if you get a win Monday. Obviously there are more pieces at play here, but this is proof that you putting in the work can change so much. It’s week fourteen. Stop bitching and start working.”

“Alright, man. Stop insulting me. I got it.”

Colton stretched his legs out in front of himself. “Do you care about all that stuff? About championship wins and the Hall of Fame and shit?”

Landon thought hard. “Not like you, no. I don’t need as many as you, and I don’t care if I don’t go down as some great player. It would just be nice to know I can do it.”

“Then stop listening to the noise. Stop listening to Dad and stop listening to the media. Focus on what you can control.”

“You don’t think I should try to talk to Dad?” As he asked the question, he knew the answer.

Colton shook his head. “I’ve tried. It doesn’t do anything. He’s delusional as hell. At this point, it’s better to just ignore him. Recognize that we all had traumatic childhoods because of him and that he’s a lost cause. He’s still going to be around because I can’t bring myself to cut him off since, to a certain extent, he did help me get to this point. But I stopped listening to him a long time ago. He has no say in any of my life choices.”

“He say anything about you retiring?”

“He said lots of things about me retiring, but like I said, I stopped caring. Lucia and I want at least one more kid and we want to travel. I’ve done all I need to in the football world. It’s time to be present for my wife and kids. Let Luc be the breadwinner in her hot-ass pantsuits.”

Landon opened his mouth, but Colton cut him off. “Don’t say anything about my wife being hot.”

Landon laughed. “Wasn’t going to.” He paused for a moment, hating how emotional he was allowing himself to be in front of someone he’d thought he would always resent. “And I’m sorry. For being kind of a bitch and blaming you for so much. Thank you for trying to take the heat off me.”

“That’s what big brothers are for.” Colton looked at him meaningfully. “Something you said about Mom yesterday stuck with me. You have to stop blaming yourself for how you handled her death. I know how you feel. But Dad kept us busy. We were kids. We couldn’t have done anything.”

“I could have tried to be more present. You did such a good job of listening to her, and I just…couldn’t cope.”

“I pushed the hurt way down to make sure you and Maya were okay, but I was struggling too. I didn’t handle it any better than you, just differently. You were a kid and you needed attention. Sure, you didn’t go about it the best way, but you can’t blame yourself for shit that happened over a decade ago before your brain was even fully developed.”

Landon allowed that to settle in his chest. The pair sat on the lawn for a few minutes before Colton finally broke the comfortable silence. “Maya was right. All it took was one conversation we could’ve had years ago to let bygones be bygones.”

“I wouldn’t have been ready for it. Not mature enough or in the right headspace for it before now.”

“Keala?”

“Yeah. And therapy.” Both had helped him see things from more than his own perspective.

Colton nodded. “Good. That’s great. I’ve been going since I found out Lucia was pregnant with Lyla. I don’t want to pass on any of my childhood trauma to her.”

“It’s been helpful, I think. Started pretty recently though, and obviously”—he gestured between the two of them—“I have a lot of work left, but…yeah, I’m glad I started.”

Colton chuckled, looking down as a car passed by. “And you love Keala?”

“How do I know? I’ve never even been in a relationship.” But he knew. He knew it from the way his chest had been cleaved in two when she’d walked away, the first tears he’d had in years welling in his eyes. He knew it from the way he’d felt as they had fallen asleep yesterday, him wrapped around her, breathing in her vanilla shampoo. He knew it from the feeling he got when he saw her sad, and how badly he ached to take care of her and show her that she could be anything she wanted—screw what society or her parents thought.

“You’d know it. And I think you do.”

“Yeah.”

Landon sat there long after Colton went back inside. He sat there as Maya settled in beside him, her head on his shoulder.

And the only thing he kept coming back to was that he was going to push himself out of his comfort zone, keep putting himself out there and being vulnerable for Keala. If she wasn’t ready to leap for them, he would.

He could wait as long as she needed.