Page 53 of Tiny Precious Secrets (The Brothers of Calloway Creek The Montanas #4)

Allie

I stare down at Alex as he finishes nursing, unable to believe he’s been here for two weeks when it feels like he’s been a part of my life forever. Gazing across the room at my mom holding Christina, it’s hard for me to think of a time they weren’t with us.

When I put him on my shoulder to burp him, Isla, the night nurse Mom and Dad hired us for the month, swoops in and gets him. “Let me do that, dear,” she says in her proper English accent that has started grating on my nerves.

I straighten my top then look around the room.

This just feels wrong. Sad, and fearing I’m suffering from postpartum depression, I pick up a few used burp rags and take them back to the laundry room.

While I’m there, I switch a load from the washer to the dryer.

Back in the kitchen, I find a mostly warm, half-drunk bottle of soda and throw it out.

I glance around the kitchen for something else to do, but there’s just nothing.

The dishes are clean. I did that earlier. The food’s been put away. Bug helped with that. Even the floor has been swept. That was Asher’s job.

I sit heavily on a barstool and gaze out into the living room. Mom and Isla are chatting away while holding, burping, swaying, and tending to every one of the twins’ needs.

Out of nowhere, I start to cry. I full-on sob.

Arms come around me. “Hey there. What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

I turn and bury my face in Asher’s chest. “Everything.”

His silent chuckle bounces my head around. “It’s your hormones. They’re all over the place. Why don’t you go get some rest?”

I shake my head defiantly. “I don’t need rest.”

“It’ll get better, Allie. Recovering from having two babies is hard. Your body must be going through a lot right now.”

I pull away from him. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t know.” I wipe a tear. “It’s just… everything.”

He showers me with a few quick kisses and an empathetic smile. He thinks I’m depressed.

Maybe all new moms feel this way. Like they aren’t doing enough. Like they’re completely inadequate. Like they can’t be the supermom all their friends seem to be.

Maybe I am depressed.

I glance back into the other room, watching Mom and Isla holding my children.

If it’s not Mom and Isla, it’s Mia and Marti, or Ren and Ellie, or Regan and Addy.

While Isla is here twelve hours every day starting at six pm, my family and friends all take turns with the day shift, making sure there are always two of them around to give me a break.

“This is just… all wrong.” I run to the back door between the laundry room and the kitchen and go out onto the deck. I don’t even bother with a coat, welcoming the cold when it stings my face.

Asher shows up behind me, draping a blanket across my shoulders. “Sweetheart, please tell me what this is all about.”

I spin around and flail my arms in the air. “This is about everything not being like I imagined.”

He pulls me against him, comforting me. “I’ll bet all new moms say that. Things will calm down.”

I push off him, frustration crawling up my spine.

“That’s the issue. Things are calm. Asher, look at our house.

It’s clean. You know why it’s clean? Because we clean it.

There aren’t takeout containers spilling out of the trash, because we actually have time to cook.

And there isn’t laundry piling up on the floor, because it’s actually getting done.

By me . By us . And you want to know the worst thing? I feel… rested .”

He laughs. “And that’s a bad thing because…”

I throw my arms up again. “Because I hardly even feel like a new mom. Because the British bitch my mom hired to watch the twins all night is like a dang robot.” Hot tears flow down my face.

“Because I feel like a guest in my own home.” My head shakes.

“I don’t want this. We’re practically freaks of nature.

No new parents are like us. I want to experience being a new mom.

The dirty house, eating takeout every night, even the sleep deprivation.

I want to go through it all. Because right now, I barely even feel like they’re my kids. ”

“Babe, I had no idea you felt this way.”

“Neither did I really. I just thought I was going through normal mom emotions. But Asher, I don’t want a nanny getting up with the babies at night.

I don’t want a nanny at all. I want to do it.

I don’t care if I’m a zombie all day. I want to change their diapers and rock them and sing to them. I want to be their mother .”

“Oh, dear,” Mom says, peeking her head through the door. “Allie, are you having an emotional moment?”

“No, Mom, I’m not. I’m having an epiphany.”

She grabs her coat and joins us, Christina obviously asleep somewhere else. “About what exactly?”

I look to Asher, because I don’t really want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

“Allie is having second thoughts about Isla.”

Mom’s eyebrows shoot up. “You don’t like her?”

“Isla is fine, Sarah. Very helpful. But I think that’s the issue. She’s too helpful. As are all of you. I mean, you’ve been great. But—”

“I don’t feel like a mom,” I say, butting in. “I’m watching all of you raise my babies. Do you know the only time I spend with them is when I’m feeding them? Because as soon as someone sees they’re done eating, they take them away.”

“Oh, honey. We’re helping. All new moms need a little help.”

“ Little being the operative word.” I wrap the blanket around me and pace the deck.

“You’re doing so much, all that’s left for me and Asher to do is cook, clean, and sleep.

But what I really want to do is raise my own darn babies.

I had less than two days with Christopher.

I never really got to be his mom. I want to cherish every moment I can get with the twins.

I don’t care if I don’t get to shower or sleep or if I have to live off DoorDash food.

I just want to experience what every other new mom gets to experience.

I even heard Bug complain yesterday that she rarely gets to hold them.

She’s their sister, for God’s sake, she should get to participate in their care.

I appreciate you wanting to help, but I really wish you’d have hired me a housekeeper or a chef instead.

” Done with my tirade, I sit on the snow-covered bench and freeze my ass.

Mom sighs, shakes her head sadly, and looks at me with empathy. “You’re absolutely right. I’ll go break the news to Isla. She’ll be gone in an hour, sent off with a full month’s pay.”

Before she’s at the door, I call out. “Mom? I know you meant well, and I’m not saying I don’t want you or the others here to help. But maybe just one at a time. And not all the time. There are two of us, three counting Bug. We can handle this.”

She comes back and cups my jaw. “Of course you can, honey. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll go take care of this right now.”

Asher and I watch as Mom goes into the living room and has a talk with Isla.

“You don’t really think Isla is a bitch, do you?” Asher asks.

“No.” A burst of air rushes out of my lungs. “She’s actually very nice. And good. And was probably trained to be a nanny to the royals or something knowing my mom.”

He laughs. “I have no doubt she was. Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“I’ve been ready for over ten years, Asher.”

He kisses the side of my head.

Isla waves at us from inside, probably happy to have earned four weeks’ pay for less than two weeks’ work.

My mom is on the phone when we come back inside, so she can’t help when both babies begin stirring at once. Asher and I smile at each other and go to them.

A half hour later, Mom is gone and it’s just the two of us, sitting on the couch together, holding sleeping babies.

Bug comes through the back door, much earlier than curfew. She looks around. “Where is everyone?”

“Allie fired the nanny. Well, she made her mom do it.”

She plops next to Asher on the sofa. “Thank goodness. She was weird. She never wanted me to hold the twins. It’s like she thought I was doing it wrong.”

Asher puts Christina into her arms. “Well, you’ll be holding them a lot more now. I hope that’s okay. Because not only did Allie fire the nanny, she put her foot down about so many people coming to help. One person at a time, and nobody here after dinner.”

Bug looks excited. And happier than she’s looked since we brought the babies home. “Are you going to let me change diapers?”

He snort-chuckles. “Let you? How else do you think you’re going to become their babysitter?”

Bug smiles proudly. At fourteen, I’m not sure she’s capable of handling two of them at one time. Heck, I’m still not sure I am since I’ve never been allowed to try. But it’s something I’m looking forward to figuring out.

I glance around the room and smile big.

“What is it?” Asher asks.

“I was just thinking how this is the first time in two weeks we’ve been truly alone. Our family. With no doctors or nurses or nannies or grandmas or friends. It’s just us.”

“Our family,” Darla says, as if trying out the phrase. “I think I like being part of a family.”

“Hey.” Asher looks offended. “You and I were a family before all this.”

She shrugs. “This is different. It’s more real. Better somehow.”

I smile. Because just a few months ago, I’d have sworn she’d never want anything to do with being part of any family that included me.

“Bug?” I ask.

“Yeah?”

“Will you be my maid of honor?”

“Me?” She looks confused. “What about Mia? She’s your best friend.”

“She is my best friend, and she’ll be a bridesmaid. But you’re about to become my daughter. That’s much more important. I hope you don’t mind that I think of you that way.”

“You think of me as your daughter?”

“I have three kids, Bug.” I glance up at the mantle where Christopher’s urn now sits. “Actually, I have four.”

Asher elbows her.

“Yeah,” she says. “Being your maid of honor would be cool.”

“I think it’ll be pretty awesome too. Thanks, Bug.”

“So what now?” she asks. “Are you going to put me on cooking duty?”

“Eventually.” Asher’s face breaks out into a grin. “But not quite yet. Sarah may have fired the nanny, but she immediately turned around and hired a housekeeper to come three times a week and a chef to cook our dinners Monday through Friday.”

Bug’s jaw drops and her eyes go wide. “I will never get used to being part of a rich family.”

“Good. You shouldn’t,” he says. “Because we’re not going to forget who we are or where we came from.”

“Will you still pay for Harvard if I get in?”

“Yeah, kiddo.” He chuckles. “We’ll pay for Harvard.”

“And maybe a car when I’m sixteen?”

“How else will you be able to run errands for us or take the twins to the park?”

“Um, Dad, we live three blocks from the park.”

He just shrugs.

I love the relationship they have. It’s easy.

It’s fun. It’s loving. And I love that I get to see that side of Darla now.

The side she hid from me for so many months.

What’s more, I’m excited about how that part of their relationship is now bleeding over into ours.

Bug and I have become so much closer over the past month.

Even this past week. We’ve laughed while doing laundry.

We’ve horsed around while cooking dinner.

She even told me she has a crush on a guy at school—although she wouldn’t reveal his name.

Progress . So much progress.

The babies cry. Both at the same time. The three of us all look at each other and laugh.

Asher stands. “Here we go!”

~ ~ ~

Cries wake me. I look at the clock. It’s three in the morning, basically the middle of the night, but I smile. Because it’s the first time I’ve been woken up like this since the hospital. Isla didn’t even let us have a baby monitor in the room. She took care of everything.

Now, not only do we have a baby monitor, we’ve got two bassinets near the bed. I sit up, looking over to see which one is awake. It’s Alex.

Asher hasn’t even stirred. He’s a much heavier sleeper than I am. I scoop Alex into my arms and take him to the nursery to change him. Then I feed him and sing to him, cherishing every single moment even though I’m dead tired.

When I return to bed and put him back down, I stare at him, watching his little chest rise and fall with every breath, knowing how lucky I am. I put my hand on his chest. “Goodnight Alex Christopher.”

As soon as I’m lying down, Asher’s arm comes around me. “You’re amazing,” he mumbles sleepily. “I was watching you.”

Right. The baby monitor.

He’s back asleep before I can respond.

A moment later, Christina starts to wake and whine. This time, Asher moves to get up. But I stop him. I stop him because this feels like my very first night of being a mom and I intend to enjoy it.

“I’ve got her,” I say, in spite of my heavy eyelids.

“But you did Alex.”

“I’ve got her.” I lean down and kiss him on the cheek. “Give me tonight, Asher. You can have tomorrow.”

Just like I did with Alex, I take her to the nursery, change her, then feed her and sing. I look at the camera and can almost feel Asher’s eyes on me. Somehow I know he’s watching. He’s always watching. Always making me feel special. Always telling me how much he loves me and our life.

Most of all, he’s always reminding me what a good mother I am.

When I put Christina down, I drift off before my head hits the pillow. And then I dream. I dream of a ten-year-old Christopher holding his little brother and sister. Of Bug teaching Christopher how to play soccer. Of Asher showing him how to become a man. Of family vacations to Disney World.

When I wake, it’s the first time I’ve ever not been sad after dreaming of him. Somehow I know Christopher is going to be in a lot more of my dreams, showing me the life that should have been. In my dreams, he’ll be at every birthday party. Every wedding. Every family gathering.

In my dreams, I’m going to watch him grow up and grow old. And he’s going to let me be the mother I never got to be to him.

Asher rolls over and sees me awake. “So how was it? Your first real night of motherhood?”

As my eyes graze over the sleeping twins, they catch on something just beyond the bassinets. I know the rising sun is playing tricks on me, but I could swear there’s a shadow behind them, protecting them somehow. And the shadow is about the size of a ten-year-old boy.

I smile at my soon-to-be husband. “It was the best night I’ve ever had in my entire life.”