Page 60 of The Wrong Game

“It’s not an excuse, but you’re right, I have been hurt. And yesterday was a bad day. I just… I wasn’t in the right mindset to be out and drinking, and I had all this stuff on my mind.”

There was still silence on the other end, and suddenly I couldn’t have the conversation while sitting still. I crawled out of bed, pacing the floor in my bedroom.

“At first, I was just having fun. I was playing your game.”

“I wasn’t playing a game.”

I swallowed. “No, no, I just mean, you know, I was teasing you or whatever. But I took it too far, and then I was all butthurt after some of the stuff you said last night. Again, I just wasn’t in the right mindset. But, that doesn’t mean I should have done what I did, or said those things, and I just feel like shit and…” I sighed. “I’m sorry, okay? Truly.”

There was a long, heavy breath on the other end, and then Zach’s dejected voice. “It’s fine.”

“No, seriously. I really am sorry. Look, I mean it when I say I’m not ready to date you… but it’s not just you. It’s anyone. And I know that sounds stupid and cliché, but I just… I’ve done the dating thing, and the love thing, and I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“It’s cool. I get it.”

“But just because I can’t go on a date with you or be in a relationship, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right?” I stopped pacing, hope springing to my chest. “I really do have so much fun with you, Zach. I think it’d be awesome to hang out more, watch the games together, get to know each other more. Belle and I can come crash your shifts at the bar,” I added with a laugh. “What do you say? Truce?”

Zach laughed, but it wasn’t the same kind of laugh as mine. It almost seemed laced with sarcasm, or disbelief.

“Sure, Gemma. We can be friends.”

“Do you really mean that, or are you being sarcastic?”

He sighed, and my heart leapt into my throat waiting for his reply. When it didn’t come, I kept rambling.

“This plan, I’m sure it seems stupid to you, but it’s really important to me. I think that’s why I went to such drastic lengths to preserve it. It’s the first time I’ve put myself out there since… since I was hurt, and—”

“It’s fine, okay? It’s cool. Friends. Got it.”

I sighed, smiling. “Okay. Thank you, Zach, for listening. For understanding.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you going to the game Sunday? Will I see you there?”

There was another sigh. “Yeah, I’ll be at the game. And don’t worry. I got your message loud and clear. I won’t give you any trouble.”

I swallowed a thick, sticky ball, wondering why my stomach was tying up so tightly when Zach was telling me exactly what I’d convinced myself I wanted to hear.

“Thank you.” I paused. “You know, you should bring someone. A friend. We could all hang out, it’d be fun.”

“Sure.”

“Okay,” I said, pacing again. I’d always felt awkward when apologizing, mostly because I hated admitting I was wrong. And the longer I stayed on the phone with Zach, the more the heavy silence between us became too much. “Well, I should get going. But I’ll see you Sunday.”

“See you Sunday.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the line went dead.

Part of me felt sick, like I’d made a mistake, but I was willing to recognize that that was the part of me that still believed in love. She was small, and weak, and beaten and bruised, but she was there. Andthatpart of me was sad that I’d blown off such a sexy, funny, amazing guy.

But, the larger part of me, thenewme, was happy and relieved. Now that Zach and I had established a friendship, now that I knew he would no longer be pulling any tricks out of his hat to try to get another date with me, I could focus on the original plan.

My next breath came easier, the relief of being back in control already hitting me like a shot of heroine. It was my drug — control — and I needed it to survive.

I opened the dating app, swiping through my messages until I found one that looked promising. And once I had a date lined up for the next home game, it was like my hangover was gone altogether.

I was back in control, the plan was back in place, and everything felt right again.