Page 119 of The Wrong Game

I nodded again, this time crumpling a little. “I don’t know why I feel like this,” I admitted. “I’m the one who called it off. It’s for the best, I know it is, but I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t wake up to even one day where it doesn’t feel like there’s a giant brick on my chest. He hasn’t texted me, which is what I wanted, right? But then I look at my phone every time it buzzes hoping to see his name.” I shook my head. “It’s sick. I’m sick.”

Belle chuckled, smoothing her hand over mine. “No, you’ve just got it bad.”

“What? The flu?”

She scrunched her nose. “More like you’ve been bitten by the love bug.”

I groaned, leaning into her. “That’s what I was trying toavoid.”

“We don’t exactly get a say in it, baby girl,” she said, rubbing my back. “Hate to be the one to break that to you. What exactly did you say to him, that last night you guys were together?”

I sighed. “I basically told him that I didn’t trust him, I didn’t trust anyone, and even if he was saying he wanted to be with me now, even if he believed it, one day he would wake up and feel differently and I couldn’t do it again.”

“He’s not Carlo, Gemma…” Belle whispered.

I pushed back, looking into her soft gray-blue eyes. “He doesn’t have to be. Carlo was desperately in love with me, Belle. You saw us together. You saw the way he treated me, the way he loved me, and then he just… he just…”

“He changed his mind.”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to.

“What spawned all this? I thought you had thrown all this out, I thought you were going to give it a chance and try with Zach?” Belle shook her head. “You saw him with me at the game and almost punched me in the throat. You like him. Things were going great. What changed?”

I sniffed, standing without another word and crossing my living room to where the box of Carlo’s things was shoved behind my couch. I picked up the letters — both mine and Brielle’s — and handed them to Belle, sinking back down onto the tile next to her.

She stared at the names for a moment, casting me a curious glance before she opened mine first. She read it silently while I picked at my nail polish, and as soon as she folded it away and opened Brielle’s, it only took three seconds for her to curse and toss the paper across the kitchen.

“That motherfucker.”

She stared at the letters across the room like she could set them on fire with her gaze alone. Then, her eyes found me again, her brows bent together.

“This is what was in the box Sofia brought by?”

I nodded.

“God, Gemma… I am so, so sorry. That’s awful. I’m just sorry you had to see that.”

“He wrote the same thing to her that he wrote to me,” I whispered, eyes pooling with tears again. “Neither one of us mattered to him. It was all just a game — up until the very day he passed.”

Belle was quiet for a moment, and I swore I could feel that silence like a cold, wet blanket sitting on top of both of us.

“Do you think he just… did he write them before knowing how bad he really was? Did he intend to give me mine in private, and give her hers? I mean…” I shook my head. “I was never meant to see that letter, the one to Brielle. But I did. And now…”

My voice faded, and my best friend just sat there on the floor with me, still quiet, still processing. When she finally spoke again, she did so with her eyes fixed on me, but I just stared at the tile.

“Okay, I know that must have hurt. I know it must have triggered everything you were trying to forget, every awful fear you were trying to overcome by trusting Zach. But babe… Zach is different. You know that.”

“Do I?” I challenged. “I thought I knew Carlo, but I was wrong. I never suspected…” I shook my head. “Seeing those letters, it brought back all the hurt. It reminded me of everything I felt, and once I remembered, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how I could have ever forgotten that pain.”

Belle frowned.

“I can’t trust Zach,” I told her. “I can’t trust him, or love him, orbeloved because I just feel like I’m being stupid. I feel like one of the dogs in Pavlov’s test that never learned its lesson, that’s just waiting to be put down from being too dumb to be useful.” I shook my head, picking at my polish again. “Carlo ruined it, he ruinedme. I want to love, and can’t at the same time.”

“Do you really think Zach would cheat on you? Do you think he can see anyonebutyou?”

“It’s not about that,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s just… everything. Love is dangerous. Falling for someone, trusting them to take care of your heart, to keep loving you even when times get hard… I mean, you know.” I gestured to my best friend. “You’re the same way. You’re smart. You don’t love and you stay safe.”

“I also stay lonely. And let me tell you something,” she said, making sure I was looking at her before she finished her thought. “The way I live? It’s not glorious. It’s not free of hurt or pain or any of the shit you go through with love. And at least when you’re in love, you have someone else to go through it all with.”