Page 37 of The Wrong Game

Gemma

“I think I’m going to throw up,” I told Belle, bouncing a little as I waited at the same totem I’d met Zach under a week before. My new date, Ben, would be here any moment.

And my body was rebelling.

“I love how last week you hung up onmein this same scenario. Now, you’re interrupting my TV time.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for this,” I said, ignoring her jokes. I couldn’t find it in me to joke right now.

Belle sighed. “Hey, talk to me. What’s different this week? What has you feeling weird?”

I swallowed down the sticky knot in my throat, eyes bouncing over the crowd as I scanned the faces for Ben’s. I wanted to tell Gemma why it felt different, why I suddenly felt like my plan was impossible to stick to. But the truth was, I didn’t really know myself.

“Zach just… it didn’t feel like a date. It felt like hanging out with this smart-ass guy who I met at the bar.”

“Do you think it’s the online dating thing that’s bugging you?”

I thought about it, digesting her suggestion. Ben had texted me throughout the week, and we’d even talked on the phone last night for over an hour. He seemed like a nice guy. He was funny, sweet, easy to talk to.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Is it because you like Zach and wish it was him there instead?”

“No,” I answered quickly, rolling my eyes. “He was fun, and he served his purpose. Practice round, remember?”

“Uh-huh,” Belle mused, clearly not convinced.

Zach hadn’t texted me since I sent him the picture of Ben. And though I’d had averyvivid dream about him on my couch the other night, I hadn’t texted him, either. It didn’t matter that I wanted to. What mattered was that I was staying true to my original goal when I agreed to all of this.

New guy every game. Make a few friends, watch football, drink beers, engage in some touching. I’d had so much fun that night with Zach. IknewI could have just as much fun with Ben tonight.

So why was I freaking out?

I tapped my finger against my bottom lip, stomach tilting. It didn’t make sense. I’d made my pre-game check list and ticked everything off. I was following the plan I’d made. My anxiety should be in check.

“Gemma,” Belle said, her voice softer. “Do you think… I know I was joking with you about seeing someone, a therapist or something along those lines, but… do you think maybe you really do need to?”

“Why would I need to see someone?”

She cleared her throat. “I’m just saying, what happened with Carlo… it was—”

“Fine,” I finished for her, stomach twisting into an even tighter knot at the sound of his name. His eyes flashed in my mind — bright at first, like the night we met, and then dull and hollow, like the night he died. “It was fine, okay? People die. It’s part of life.”

“Yeah, but he was thirty-five. It’s not like he was eighty and this was expected.” She paused. “And he hurt you, Gemma. He cheated on you.”

My nose flared. “Thanks. I almost forgot how that all went down, so glad you could remind me.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, I just…” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. This was what happened when I felt out of control. I tilted toward anger, toward being irrational, and I said and did things I would come to regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

I paused, taking a deep breath.

“I’ll be okay. I’m just nervous, I guess.”

“You know I’d go with you,” Belle whispered. “If you ever changed your mind and wanted to go talk to someone. Just say the word.”

“Thank you,” I whispered back, and for a moment, I considered it. Belle was the only one who knew about Carlo’s infidelity. Not even my parents knew. Of course, they wouldn’t be at the top of my list of people to tell. Mom would probably blame me, and Dad would just try to use a quote from one of their books or speeches to motivate me to move on with my life. He’d try to convince me that his infidelity was just a hurdle in life, one of many that people were confronted with and it was how you overcame adversity that determined a person’s strength of character. Blah, blah, fucking blah.