Page 6

NADINE

I ’d been so angry the night of our fight, but I hadn’t wanted to hurt my husband. I wished we could talk things out, but I didn’t think either of us knew where to go with these issues. If we tried to talk about it now, it’d result in a blow-up fight again, and neither of us wanted that. Instead, Lucas would tell me I was right about things, just to keep the peace. Meanwhile, he’d bury his feelings so deep inside I didn’t know how to reach him. That was hard, because we’d always been able to solve problems together before. This time felt different.

Sleeping it off had helped us cool down. We were back to talking in the morning, but our conversations didn’t go more than surface-level deep.

“Have you seen Marcus’s pacifier?” I asked.

“No,” he replied simply. “Do you need me to run to the store to get more formula?”

“Yes, we’re almost out. How many meetings do we have today?”

I was certain we could both feel the energy shift, and I was waiting for Lucas to say something more, but he didn’t. Several days passed, and neither of us brought up the fight. I could tell he was bothered we hadn’t reached a conclusion, but I also didn’t want to push him. Eventually, we’d find solutions to all these problems, but Lucas needed more time to get there. I resolved to let him come at his own pace.

I wasn’t a very patient person, but for my husband, I’d wait as long as he needed. When we weren’t at work, I kept myself busy by caring for Marcus, tidying the house, or cooking meals. Lucas told me not to worry about all that, and that everyone else would help out, but I felt like if I slowed down, none of it was ever going to get done.

Obviously, the workload was starting to take its toll on all of us. We agreed we needed a day off, so we cleared our schedule on Saturday. Professor Warren had gotten his hands on some potion that mimicked snowfall, so the guys were taking it up to a trail in the mountains to go snowboarding. Meanwhile, the girls had planned an at-home spa day with aromatherapy potions and homemade face masks. We had plans to meet up with the guys this afternoon for a game night. Chloe had suggested playing Poker with a deck of Tarot cards and using caramel candies as our currency. It was going to be a lot of fun.

I woke that morning to Marcus’s cries from the bassinet beside me. I shifted on the bed and winced as a shooting pain traveled down my shoulder. Every muscle in my body was stiff as a board, and I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep from crying out in pain.

I was used to adjusting to changes in my body, because every day was different for someone with a chronic illness. My body had changed a lot during pregnancy, and I was okay with the loose skin and stretch marks over my belly. It was a symbol of everything I went through to bring our babies into the world, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

But this? This was a different kind of change. I was still recovering from delivery, and we truly didn’t know the lasting effect pregnancy would have on me. I hadn’t felt this shitty since before the kidney transplant. Not good news.

Deep breath in, deep breath out , I told myself.

Marcus’s cries grew louder, and Rishi started yowling to get my attention. The kitten jumped onto the bed beside my head and batted his sharp claws at my cheek. I rolled over and tried to reach out for my baby, but I winced at the pain in my joints.

“Lucas,” I mumbled as I reached for his spot on the bed. “Can you get Marcus?”

No response came, and my hand met only sheets. I opened my eyes to see that the sun was already shining through the window. Lucas’s side of the bed was empty. In his place sat a note.

I didn’t want to wake you. Marcus has been fed and changed, and I put him down for his morning nap. I’m off to the mountains with the guys. Have a wonderful day!

Love, Lucas

I looked at the clock to see it was almost ten o’clock in the morning. I pushed past the aches and sat upright in bed.

“Mama’s here,” I whispered as I stroked Marcus’s cheek. He only cried louder.

I reached into his bassinet and lifted him, but an intense pain shot through my wrist as his weight beared down on my joints. I gasped as I yanked him close to my chest, and thank the Goddess, he remained safe in my trembling arms. My racing heart took a moment to settle, because I realized I could have dropped him. It was the most terrifying feeling in the world.

When I became a mother, I’d chosen to share my body with another human being, and I was confident in that choice. I wouldn’t choose anything less than to give my son my all. But at the same time, the physical limitations I’d learned to manage for myself now affected my child, and no amount of conscious effort could make up for it. I’d been able to brush off these worries before, but now I had no choice but to face them. I wanted to give everything to my son, and I feared it may not be enough.

I’d scared Marcus, and he began to scream. All I could do was hold him close to my chest, because I worried that if I shifted, I might not have the strength to support his weight. It seemed so fucking silly, because he was a tiny little peanut, but there was nothing I could do when my hands stopped working like this. I’d been here many times before, unable to open a water bottle or perform simple tasks, but those moments now seemed inconsequential compared to this. I’d been managing my pain so well this past year, and the thought of going back there scared me, because I wasn’t the same person I was a year ago. I was a mother now. I didn’t just need to stay healthy for myself anymore, but for him. I wasn’t the kind of person to freeze up, but with my son in my arms, I did.

Footsteps sounded down the hall. “Nadine?” Talia asked with a light knock at the door. “Everything all right?”

“No,” I cried in a trembling voice.

Talia threw the bedroom door open and rushed over to me.

“Take him,” I begged.

She took Marcus from my arms, and I breathed a sigh of relief that immediately turned into tears.

“I—I couldn’t do it, Tal,” I sobbed. “I almost dropped him.”

Talia cradled Marcus and swayed him from side to side. He stopped screaming, though he continued to fuss. “You didn’t drop him, and Marcus is safe.”

I drew in deep breaths to try to steady my sobs. It took a lot to get me to break down, but this had barely taken an instant. “He needs a diaper change and a bottle,” I told her. I didn’t like asking for help, but this was for Marcus, and he needed a caregiver right now.

“Don’t worry, Nadine. I’m here,” Talia promised.

“Thank you,” I replied weakly.

Talia moved around our suite, quickly finding the diaper supplies and then mixing up formula to give Marcus a bottle. I was so thankful she’d come to check on us, because I didn’t know what I’d do without her here. Marcus settled, and he seemed content once he had his bottle.

I tried calling Lucas. I really needed him here right now, but his phone went straight to voicemail. He obviously didn’t have service in the mountains, and I had no other way of getting in touch with him. I got really frustrated that my husband wasn’t here, but that only made me angry with myself, because it wasn’t fair to take him away from something fun because I was having a crisis again. It didn’t really matter either way, because the situation was out of my control. I couldn’t contact him, and without service, he wasn’t going to be able to reach out to me, either. I had to focus on what I could control, and right now that meant taking a shower.

I forced myself to go to the bathroom, because staying in bed all day wasn’t an option. Talia was taking care of Marcus, but I had to take care of myself. Each task I performed that morning just to take care of my basic hygiene felt monumental. I came out of the bathroom feeling as if I’d already spent all my energy for the day—and more.

Chloe and Onyx had come into our suite, and they sat with Talia on the couch, all cooing over Marcus. Chloe sat in the middle, rocking Marcus back and forth, while Onyx shook a rattle at him and Talia sang him a lullaby. I nearly teared up all over again, because to them this was probably nothing, but to me, their friendship was invaluable.

“Aww, I want one,” Chloe sang.

“Babies are sooo cute,” Talia awed.

I leaned against the bathroom door to catch my breath, but my friends hadn’t noticed me there yet.

Chloe sat up straighter, like she just had a great idea. “Hey, Tal, if everything works out with our men and we coordinate, we could both give birth at the same time. Our kids would be cousins, so it’d be perfect. They can grow up together.”

Talia gave a nervous laugh. “Um… yeah. Someday.”

“Oof,” Chloe winced. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed you want kids.”

“It’s not that,” Talia insisted. “I just want to wait. You saw what the priestesses did to Marcus, and I couldn’t willingly bring a child into this situation. Not while certain people are still out there.”

It was obvious she was talking about her ex-boyfriend Cody. He’d escaped with the Executors, and I didn’t blame her for being scared of him. He’d manipulated her before. I wouldn’t put it past him to use a child against her, too.

I’d been really angry at my friends the other night, but now that I had a chance to cool down, I had a better understanding of where they were coming from. I couldn’t fault any one of them for waiting to have kids right now, because the constant fear that something bad could happen to your child was overwhelming. I wouldn’t give Marcus up for the world, but if I could’ve delayed his arrival until after this was all over, I’d have done it in a heartbeat.

A silent moment passed before Chloe spoke. “Tal, can I ask you something? If it’s too much, you don’t have to answer.”

Talia shrugged. “Sure, ask me anything.”

“I saw the fear in your eyes when we told you Cody escaped,” Chloe proceeded cautiously. “You never reported him for what he did. Did he threaten you so you wouldn’t go to the cops?”

Talia sighed. “No. Though now I wish I had reported him. Maybe then he’d be locked up for different reasons, and he’d have never joined the Executors. But at the time, I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously.”

I recalled the night at the Dungeon when I learned that Cody had coerced Talia into things she didn’t want to do. I’d sliced his face with a broken beer bottle and called him a rapist to his face. That’d unfortunately been the worst of his punishment, and I wished he’d been faced with a greater sentence.

The day she caught Cody cheating and broke up with him, I’d told her that if she needed anything, I was there for her. I meant it in every way. If she’d wanted to report him, I’d be the one driving her down to the police station that minute. I wanted to tell her to report him then, but she was already going through so much. It was a huge step just to break up with him, and I could tell then that she just wanted to move on. I would’ve rather seen her get away from him than watch her relive it all in a courtroom.

Society wasn’t kind to women who’d been domestically abused, always twisting it back on the victim. I understood where Talia was coming from. I would always support my friend on what was right for her , and taking him to court would’ve fucked her up more than he already had.

“You’ve always been so sure of yourself,” Talia told Chloe. “I admire that about you, but I wasn’t like that. I don’t think people can understand what goes through a person’s head after being treated like that unless they’ve been through it themselves. People like Cody tear you down so hard you don’t trust yourself. At the time, I thought I was to blame. I wasn’t even sure I’d been abused, or that it wasn’t all my fault. I thought I deserved everything that happened to me, that somehow I caused him to cheat because I wasn’t enough. Nadine believed me, but I didn’t think anyone else would. I didn’t really believe I could report him. He would say that I consented to it, and technically I did say yes. By the time I saw it for what it was, it was too late. He was on the priestesses’ side, and they’d do everything in their power to paint him out as the golden boy, while making me look like a psycho. They would’ve used the case to turn the coven even further against us.”

Chloe placed a hand on Talia’s. “I haven’t always been sure of myself. Believe it or not, I understand and respect your decision. As women, everyone thinks we should just stand up for ourselves in situations like that, but it isn’t that simple. Cody took your voice away, and speaking up was more dangerous than what he’d already put you through. If we ever find him and you want to take him to court this time, I’ll support that.”

Talia laughed. “If I ever see him again, I’m ripping his balls off.”

“That’s our girl!” Onyx exclaimed. She and Chloe exchanged a proud high-five.

Chloe became serious again. “He didn’t take your voice forever, Tal. Clearly, you’ve already got it back, or you wouldn’t be saying things like that.”

Talia’s shoulders fell. “I’m finding my voice. Truth is, I don’t know what I’d do if I saw Cody again.”

“Let’s hope I find him first, then, because I’ll fuck him up before he ever gets a chance to touch you,” Chloe said.

Talia gave a light smile. “Thanks.”

I winced as I shifted. The door creaked, and my friends turned to look at me. I would’ve really preferred to act as if everything was normal. Instead, they watched me intently like I was about to keel over and die.

“Girl, you’re gonna have to fight me to see who gets to him first.” I tried to crack a joke, but my tone fell flat.

Talia picked up on it, and she looked worried. “Feeling any better?”

I scoffed. “No.”

I needed to give myself something to do, so I crossed the room and turned on the burner under the tea kettle, which Lucas had left full for me this morning. I didn’t sit down, because staying in one place for too long absorbing all the pain and discomfort only made it worse. It was more comfortable to keep moving, even if it was exhausting.

“Why don’t you tell us what happened?” Chloe asked gently.

“I woke up in pain. Normally, I just push through it,” I admitted. “Marcus was crying, so I tried to pick him up, and my wrists gave out.”

Saying it out loud made me feel worse, because it was really fucked up that I couldn’t even hold my own infant. It made me wonder if maybe that angel doctor was right and I shouldn’t have had kids. I hated thinking that way.

“This pain came on suddenly?” Chloe asked, sounding concerned.

“Yeah, for the most part,” I said. “I mean, I’ve noticed I’ve been slowing down lately, and I’m more tired, but that’s normal when you have a newborn.”

Onyx frowned. “It sounds like it’s more than that. You need to get in with your doctor as soon as possible.”

“I’ll be fine,” I insisted. “I don’t want to ruin all the fun we have planned for the day. This could go away in a couple of hours.”

“If it’s a lupus flare—which it sounds like it is—then you need to get on the front end of it,” Onyx pressed.

No way. It was our first day off in over a month, and I didn’t want to spend it at the hospital.

“What are your treatment options?” Chloe wondered.

“My doctor’s probably going to recommend a steroid injection,” I said. “It’s supposed to take the edge off the joint pain.” If it even works , I thought.

“How long will the effects last?” Talia asked.

“At least a couple of weeks,” I answered. “A few months, if I’m lucky. Goddess, this fucking sucks. I don’t want to go through with this again. I’m so sick of being poked and prodded by doctors, and not being well enough to perform simple tasks. If I can’t even pick up my own child, what kind of mother am I?”

“Don’t you dare say that,” Chloe demanded. “You’re a great mom, and your disability doesn’t change that.”

“It does, Chloe,” I argued. “If I can’t do a simple task like changing my son’s diaper, then I’m not the same kind of mom everyone else is. I knew this was a very real possibility when I decided to continue my pregnancy, and I thought I could be okay with that, but I’m not. This isn’t fair.”

“You’re right, it isn’t,” Talia agreed. “But it’s important to get care. I’ll drive you to the clinic, and Onyx and Chloe can stay here with Marcus and Rose. You don’t know if this will turn into something worse, so it’s better to get treated now.”

“I’m okay,” I snapped. I hadn’t meant to be harsh with them, but I also didn’t feel like they were listening.

My friends didn’t understand. I wanted them to stop pushing this and leave me alone. Their insistence felt patronizing, because I was already aware of everything they were saying. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I just didn’t want to, so I wished they’d stop hounding me about it.

I’d been to the doctor a million times, and it was a miracle when they could do anything to help me. My friends had the experience where the doctor could just give them a pill and make it all better, but that didn’t work for me most of the time. The steroid shot might work now , but who knew if it would keep working, or if it could make it worse? If going into the clinic today wasn’t a waste of my time, I’d be shocked.

I was so medically burnt out. I couldn’t stand the thought of going to the hospital again, let alone on my day off. Even a quick appointment turned into hours. Between traveling to the clinic and back and sitting in the waiting room, my whole day would be gone, and I’d be back to work tomorrow. I wanted to spend the day with my friends and snuggling my son. That wouldn't happen if I went in for treatment. Now I had to decide between them and my medical care, and it wasn’t a choice I wanted to make. The collective experience of being disabled was exhausting, and my friends didn’t get that.

I knew this was a big deal, and I wasn’t downplaying the flare-up, but it was easier to ignore it than let it consume me. Just the thought of me going back to the hospital and enduring all that wore me out. I wanted to live a normal life, and to do that, I had to act as if this wasn’t happening. I was going to spend the day with my friends and family, dammit. I wasn’t going into the clinic unless it was a dire emergency, no matter how much pain I was in.

I softened my tone. “I appreciate everyone’s help with Marcus, and that’s really all I need right now. Does anyone want tea?”

I was really good at masking my pain, but today the three of them didn’t seem convinced. I could see it clear as day on their faces. Talia and Chloe both shook their heads, but Onyx hopped up from the couch and hurried over to the teapot before I could get to it.

“I’ll pour my own, thanks,” she rushed to say.

I didn’t want to be coddled. I should be able to do something as simple as pouring a cup of tea.

I reached into the cupboard to pull down a teacup. We had a beautiful collection from Grammy, which she’d hand-painted with purple and blue flower designs. This set was one of the few things I had left of hers.

My hands trembled, and I wasn’t quick enough to react. One second the teacup was in my hand, and the next it had slipped from my fingers. The ceramic shattered into hundreds of pieces at my feet. I could swear the sound it made could be heard for over a mile. I felt detached from my body as an intense sadness entered my chest. We’d only had six matching teacups, and now we were down to five, which just wasn’t enough when I had so little of my grandmother left.

The noise startled Marcus. Chloe soothed him, while Talia rushed over with the garbage can to pick up the largest pieces.

Onyx hurried to get the broom. “It’s okay. We’ve got this.”

My friends were trying to be kind, but I didn’t want them to have to clean up after me. My body had taken another thing from me, and the devastation of losing another piece of my grandmother I’d never get back was all-encompassing.

Talia looked up at me from where she knelt on the floor. “I really think you should go in.”

Obviously, I couldn’t ignore this anymore. I couldn’t even function enough to pick up a simple teacup.

“Fine, I’ll go in,” I caved. I didn’t have to like this, but I needed help to get my hands back.

I called my doctor, and Dr. Yonker agreed to squeeze me in between his other appointments. I knew he was doing it because I was a priestess. It felt awful to use my privilege to get care when other people were going without it, but I couldn’t help myself in this state, let alone anyone else.

I went to grab my keys off the hook by the door. With the unpredictability of the Waning, I didn’t chance leaving important items like that in my magical stash anymore. “I’ll see you guys in a couple of hours.”

Talia quickly stopped me. “Uh-uh. You’re not driving yourself.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” I protested. “I can handle myself.”

“Nadine…” Talia frowned and looked at the shattered bits of teacup in the trash. Clearly, I wasn’t going to be operating a steering wheel today. “I’m driving you. You can call me when you’re done, and I’ll pick you up.”

I didn’t really have a choice, so I followed Talia to her car and climbed in. Isa came along to support me.

I knew my friends were only trying to help, but I couldn’t shake the resentment that I felt at my loss of autonomy. I couldn’t even drive myself to my own doctor’s office, and I needed my friends to give up their day off to help me. It was ridiculous that I had this big destiny to fulfill—that I had to lead our people, find the Curse Breaker Wand, and defeat the priestesses’ Master Wand—yet I couldn’t drive myself across town.

My friends were right, and I needed to see a doctor, but part of that didn’t matter because I felt like my identity as a person was being stripped away from me. This wasn’t my choice. My body and my friends were forcing me to do this, and I was angry at everyone, because I didn’t consent to this at all. I didn’t consent to waking up feeling like shit this morning, for my hands to betray me and not work, and for everything to fall apart on the one free day I had, a day I desperately needed for myself.

Talia dropped me off at the clinic entrance. I got checked in and went to sit in the waiting room. Isa hopped onto my lap and began purring. There was another woman there who looked to be about ten years older than me. I sat several chairs down from her. She shot me a few glances, but it looked like she was trying not to stare.

I finally locked eyes with her. If she wanted to say something, she needed to fucking spit it out, because I didn’t have the time or energy for this game. “Can I help you with something?”

“I don’t want to bother you, but um… you’re Priestess Nadine. I’m Lucas’s cousin, Jess.”

Great. Another Taylor. Couldn’t Lucas’s crazy relatives leave me alone? I’d already had enough of his parents the other day.

Jess gestured to the chair beside me. “Would you mind?”

I didn’t have the energy to decline. “Sure.”

Jess didn’t reach out to shake my hand, and I was grateful for that, because I didn’t want to have to decline. People thought it was rude, but I didn’t have the capacity for a handshake when my condition flared like this. As Jess sat closer, I noticed the mild redness in her cheeks and across the bridge of her nose. Most people wouldn’t think anything of it, because hers wasn’t obvious at first glance, but I was all too familiar with the butterfly rash that appeared in lupus patients. There was a reason she hadn’t reached out for a handshake, and that’s because she knew what it felt like. I realized Lucas had mentioned her before, years ago when I first told him about my diagnosis. He’d told me he had a cousin with lupus, just like me.

“It’s great to finally meet you,” Jess raved. “You’re such an incredible inspiration to so many people.”

I was shocked to hear it, because so often in my position I was told how I wasn’t doing enough or helping enough people. “You really think so?”

“Yes. The way that you show up for this community—it’s obvious how much you care. And you’re doing it all as a brand new mom. That’s more than anyone can ask for. You shouldn’t have to do this, but you still show up to help people. I know what it’s like, trying to manage your energy like that. I’ve got lupus, too. I’m sure what you’re going through can’t be easy, but don’t overdo it.”

I scoffed lightly. “Too late for that.”

I didn’t want to talk about my flare-up, so instead I asked, “Do you have kids?”

Jess shook her head. “No. My lupus is so advanced that I’m not able to carry children. My doctors and I agreed that the health risks were too great.”

“I had a doctor who said the same thing.” I was still bitter about it, too. I’d never forget that appointment with the angel doctor in Hok’evale . “I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant, so when I found out, he wanted me to abort.”

Jess wrinkled her nose. “He sounds awful.”

“It was terrible,” I told her. “He told me I was going to die if I chose to continue the pregnancy, even though I’d been in remission for months. On top of that, he tried to imply I was some sort of slut for sleeping with my husband.”

Jess gasped. “He did not. Who was this guy? I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

I wasn’t sure about Jess at first, but I was quickly warming up to her. “He doesn’t work here, thankfully. It was at a clinic in another supernatural settlement. He got fired.”

Jess chuckled. “Good. He got what he deserved.”

“I’m glad I didn’t listen to him, because he was wrong,” I added. “I had preeclampsia complications, but now I have this amazing baby boy at home, and I wouldn’t give him up for the world.”

I didn’t mention losing Dean, because I figured Jess already had to know about that—the whole coven did—and it was a really heavy topic to bring up to someone I just met.

“I ended up getting a second opinion, and my doctor was so good at taking care of me,” I continued. “It helped that she had healing magic. Honestly, I’m not sure I would’ve made it through delivery without her. Have you ever thought of getting a second opinion from another supernatural clinic that might have more resources to help?”

“I considered it,” Jess said with a sigh. “But honestly, healing magic can only go so far, and unless I was in a really good place with my health already, it wouldn’t help me. I’ve never really been in a place where I could take that risk. I’m so glad that you were able to continue your pregnancy, but I made the decision a long time ago that that’s not my path. I’ve got a husband, a great career trajectory, and two cats at home. We’re really happy with the life we have.”

“What do you do for work?” I asked.

“I’m an artist,” Jess said. “I run my own business selling art prints of my paintings online. It’s great for me, because I absolutely love what I do and it gives me the flexibility I need to take time off when I need to. See that painting there?”

Jess pointed to a large canvas hung on the wall in the waiting room. It was abstract, in all shades of green, with thick and thin lines that reminded me of tree trunks. It very much gave off a forest vibe, and I loved it.

“That’s one of mine,” Jess noted proudly. “The hospital commissioned three of my paintings a few years ago. I was going for a witchy coven vibe.”

“It’s spot on,” I praised. “You’re really good. The art thing is doing well for you then?”

“Oh, yeah. My husband doesn’t work, apart from helping in the business. He’s living his dream as a house husband, which is great because I have high support needs, and he’s literally the greatest.”

“That’s amazing,” I told her genuinely. “I love that for you. I’m really glad I have children, but I don’t buy into the rhetoric that you have to have kids to be happy and successful. It sounds like your family’s doing great.”

“We really are,” Jess agreed. “And honestly, kids aren’t for everyone. I’ve seen what some people can do to kids, and it’s just… heartbreaking. You’ve met Lucas’s dad, right?”

“Oh, yeah,” I grumbled. “He’s a charming guy.”

“My father’s the same way. Those brothers are cut from the same cloth. Our whole family has problems. My parents are narcissists just like Jay, and I didn’t want to bring another kid into that kind of family dynamic. I know Lucas doesn’t see much of his parents anymore, but mine are still around, and the way my family works, I can’t really get away from them.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that,” I said gently.

Jess shrugged. “We’ve all got our own ways of dealing with it, you know? It’s not easy, but I do what I can to placate them and keep moving forward. When you’re the child of a narcissist, it’s a life-long endeavor. Even when your parents are gone, they leave you with a lot of baggage, and that’s not something you can ever really be done with.”

Jess was merely making conversation, but she didn’t know the impact her words had on me. I thought of Lucas and everything he’d been through. I realized maybe I wasn’t understanding him simply because I couldn’t , the same way most people would never understand what it was like to live with a disability. They could try to imagine what it was like, and have sympathy for my situation, but they would never truly know without going through it first-hand.

It occurred to me that Lucas had pushed back when I suggested going on pills because even if it could be good for him, that didn’t mean he wanted it. At the time, I thought he was declining because he didn’t know how they could help him, but that wasn’t the case at all. I was pushed by my friends to come to the doctor’s today, even when I knew I should but didn’t want to. Lucas was only trying to hold onto his autonomy, same as I was.

Jess was right. This kind of stuff was life-long, and that’s why it kept coming up over and over again, because these weren’t problems you could just solve once and be done with. We were constantly learning how to navigate these situations under new circumstances, and it was futile to expect them to go away permanently.

In the same way, the kidney transplant wasn’t the cure I thought it was going to be. I thought it would fix all my problems with lupus, but it didn’t. I was still having symptoms. Lucas’s depression wasn’t going to be fixed with a treatment either, because there wasn’t really a cure for disabled people—only ways to manage it. You learned to live with your illness, because even if the treatments worked and you went into remission, it was never going to go away one-hundred percent. Your illness was always going to be a part of you.

I had to be okay with the fact that my disability was going to change over time. Sometimes it would get better, and sometimes it would get worse, but I had to work with what I had, not with what I wanted. I simply couldn’t willpower my way through everything and wish things were different.

The what if didn’t matter, because the fact was my son was here, and he was being raised by disabled parents, and there was no changing that. All I could do was be the best mom I could be with what I had. Some days that meant I couldn’t show up for him and that I had to ask for help. I didn’t get to be a mom one-hundred percent of the time. There would be days I had to step back, and while I didn’t like it, that was our reality.

Lucas had a disability too, and it worked the same way. Sometimes, he was going to have worse days than others. He would always be this way, but it didn’t matter, because I was going to stay with him and love him regardless. And to love him meant backing him up and supporting him on what he needed, not what I wanted or thought was best for him.

Maybe he still needed his parents in his life, but I couldn’t understand that because I didn’t know what it was like to deal with them. Perhaps it was like Jess said, and it was easier to placate them and move forward, rather than trying to fight against them. I’d meant well, and I wanted to keep our family safe, but it’d be foolish to assume Lucas didn’t want the same.

But at the same time, Marcus had gotten hurt because of his parents’ actions. There didn’t seem to be a good middle ground.

“Thank you, Jess,” I told her. “I appreciate you sharing that, because sometimes, it’s hard to understand Lucas when I haven’t gone through that myself.”

Jess wore a look of sympathy. “How’s he doing?”

“Better,” I said. “Some days are harder than others.”

“Keep fighting for him,” Jess encouraged. “He’s a good guy.”

“The best,” I agreed.

“I know you guys are really busy, but maybe we can get together soon,” Jess suggested. “We’re going to be moving, and I hope to see Lucas before we leave.”

“Moving… outside the coven?” I asked.

“Yes. We’re finalizing the details on a rental in Boston. Luckily, I can take my work anywhere, and my husband thinks this will be good for us. I’ve been seeing a lupus specialist in Boston, but it’s a long commute, and I need to be closer to my health team. My lupus is getting to the point where I need a higher quality of care than our hospital can provide.”

That was really sad to hear, because we’d been working so hard to get the healthcare system back up and running efficiently, and it just wasn’t fast enough.

“I know the coven’s healthcare system isn’t as good as it used to be,” I admitted. “When I came here, I was so impressed by the staff, but everything changed so quickly. I have faith we can get it back to where it needs to be. We’ve made so much progress, but we just need to give it more time.”

“Please know this is no reflection on you or the Imperium Council,” Jess insisted. “I know you’re trying as hard as you can, but time isn’t something I have.”

It was clear what she was getting at. If she didn’t get the help she needed on a consistent basis, she was going to die. Lupus wasn’t usually fatal if managed properly, but it could cause organ damage, like what happened to my kidneys. Poor access to healthcare was one of the leading risk factors for complications.

“I understand you have to do what’s best for you,” I said. “But I hope that we can make improvements and one day you can come back. We shouldn’t be losing coven members over this.”

“Thanks, but coming back here isn't something I ever plan on doing,” Jess admitted. “I need to build a life somewhere else, and my magic is basically gone already from the Waning. There's no point in being a witch anymore if I can't be in a place where I'm healthy and living my life. I need to start over and leave the supernatural world behind."

That was devastating to hear. While I respected her decision, I knew Jess couldn’t be the only person making this choice. I was witnessing the coven dissolving before my eyes, and I worried how long it’d been until there was no coming back from this.

I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. “I understand.”

A nurse came into the waiting room then and called Jess’s name. Jess offered me a light smile before she left. “Take care of yourself, Nadine.”

Coming from her, it wasn’t just a pleasantry. She really meant it.

I was left alone with my thoughts, which were nothing more than melancholy. I was doing all I could to help people, but even my best wasn’t enough, because people were still dying. No matter how hard I tried, or what I did, I couldn’t control everything. This flare-up was the result of pushing myself so hard that my body was forcing me to slow down. I was actively hurting myself by trying to help these people, and it was a cold realization to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much of myself I gave, there were still going to be people left behind.

To do better, I had to take care of myself, because there wasn’t any more I could do than what I was already doing. I wouldn’t be here in the clinic today if I’d have slowed down, and now I couldn’t help anybody, including myself, because I’d pushed so hard I couldn’t function anymore.

I thought giving my all to the job would result in faster change, but really we were spinning our wheels thinking it would get us somewhere. We needed to do better for ourselves so we could give our best to our people.

That started with our family.