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LUCAS

N adine wanted me to talk to Dr. Mack about sending Marcus away, but that was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Dr. Mack couldn’t change my mind about laying my life down for my family. Nadine didn’t understand that I’d do everything in my power to stay alive, but if it came down to her and Marcus versus me, it was them every single time. I didn’t have to question that.

But Nadine was right about one thing. I had to get in the right headspace. The priestesses would be here soon, and the only way I’d be able to get my son back was if these witches were dead. The last thing I should be doing was going about my day as normal, but I needed to get the bullshit off my chest just to think straight.

I entered the clinic with Oliver following at my feet just as Gregory Walker was leaving. I was surprised to see him, considering I’d told him years ago he needed to see a psychologist and he’d refused. He looked different than normal. The frizz in his wild curls had been tamed, and his skin looked clearer and healthier. I’d never seen him look so put together.

Gregory ducked his head, then quickly tugged at the end of his sleeve to cover up the Chosen tattoo on his wrist. His cheeks turned bright red in embarrassment. I felt really bad for him, because Gregory had received all kinds of false promises from the priestesses and joined their cult, only to leave later on, yet he was clearly still struggling because of it. I didn’t want him to think being here was at all shameful, because he was doing the right thing by getting help.

“Hey, Gregory. Good to see you.” I nodded kindly as I passed him. I didn’t intend to stop him for conversation, because I didn’t want to make him more uncomfortable than he was. I just wanted to give him a bit of encouragement, because we could all use that every now and then.

“Hey, Lucas…” He fidgeted with a loose thread on his sleeve. “I, uh, should probably tell you thanks. You once mentioned that you were seeing Dr. Mack, and I figured if she could help you, maybe she could help me. She’s been… really helpful. So, thanks.”

“Of course. No problem,” I said. “I’m glad to hear she’s helping.”

Gregory tugged on his sleeve again, and though he’d fully covered the tattoo on his wrist, he seemed really self-conscious about it. “Don’t judge, okay? Brayden and I are both getting them removed once we have the funds.”

“I’m not judging,” I promised.

Gregory took a deep breath. “Sorry, that’s something I’m working on with Dr. Mack. I feel like I made a huge mistake joining Miriam’s Chosen, and I’m anxious that I have to justify it with everyone.”

“You don’t have to justify anything with me,” I told him. “Being aware of your feelings is a big step. You’re doing great, Gregory.”

“Thank you,” he replied genuinely. “I like Dr. Mack a lot… enough to say goodbye. That’s why I had to see her this morning.”

“Goodbye?” I asked. “Aren’t you on the police force? I thought you were all staying to get people out of town.”

He sighed. “Brayden and I quit a week ago. We wanted to help, but we’re just not cut out for this kind of work. I want to be an artist, not chase down criminals on the street.”

“You’re an artist? I didn’t know that about you.”

Gregory shrugged. “I’ve had such a shitty life, I just wanted to use my necromancy magic for good, you know? I taxidermy mice and dress them up in costume. They make great displays. I know it’s weird, but people love them. Not that my necromancy magic is much use anymore, but I can continue my art without it. Brayden and I are evacuating today. We’re going to get as far away from here as we can, then maybe we’ll settle down and start a business. He’s great with numbers, so I’ll make the art and he’ll manage the business. Maybe in a few years if things do well, we’ll be able to get married and adopt a kid.”

I felt bad for Gregory, because he’d been thrust into this conflict when it wasn’t his battle to fight. He’d done a lot to help us, but in the end all he wanted was a quiet life with his boyfriend. I didn’t blame him for wanting to leave.

“If we manage to win, I’ll pull whatever strings I can as a priest to save you a shopfront,” I said. “I’ll be your first customer.”

Gregory offered a shy smile. “Thanks, Lucas. I really hope you do win. I guess I’ll let you get to your appointment. It was nice seeing you.”

I really hoped Gregory found what he was looking for outside of Octavia Falls, because despite the differences we’d had in the past, I truly wished him the best. Gregory left the clinic, while I went to check in with registration.

“Lucas,” Dr. Mack greeted brightly when I stepped into her office. “Have a seat. How are we doing today?”

I sat on the couch across from her. “I wasn’t sure I was going to come in. It was my wife’s idea.”

She leaned back in her chair, looking curious. “I understand Nadine is a headstrong woman, but I also know you, and you wouldn’t have come if a part of you didn’t want to be here. What made you come in today?”

I didn’t tell her about Marcus because we’d end up talking about that the whole session, and I wasn’t worried about sending him away—only concerned with getting him back.

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “You know the priestesses will be here in two days’ time. We’ve been in charge for a while now, and even though we’ve made plans, we aren’t accurately prepared for an attack. I need to be ready. We know there’s a weapon out there that we can use to stand against them, but we have yet to find it. I worry that we’ve wasted our energy trying to rebuild the coven when we should’ve been defending it first and foremost and rebuilding in the aftermath.”

“You can’t discount the progress you’ve made because you’re afraid of losing it,” she encouraged.

“If the priestesses have their way, they’ll undo all the progress we made.”

“And if you hadn’t done anything, there’d be no coven left to save,” she replied. “This new Imperium Council cares deeply about its people, and you’re getting the coven back on their feet. People are happy to be working again and going back to school. Because of the health assistance program you implemented, I’m able to see patients who need me but otherwise couldn’t afford care. People are starting to believe we can thrive again. The priestesses can’t take that away, because the progress is within the people, not in the policies.”

“They could break these people all over again,” I said. “I’m not going to let that happen. I came to see you today because I need to be at the top of my game to face the priestesses. I want to try a new type of treatment.”

Dr. Mack furrowed her brow. “What type of treatment? We’ve talked about medication, but that can take months to adjust to.”

I shook my head. “I’ve decided I don’t want to go on meds.”

She set her clipboard aside, appearing sympathetic. “There’s no shame in trying different things.”

“I’m actually not ashamed at all. I used to think medication was a crutch or a band-aid for mental illness, but I have such a respect for it after listening to other people’s experience. I know pills are super helpful and a tool a lot of people need, but I also don’t think they’re right for me. I want to come back to myself, and I realize the medication is just one road there but not the final destination. Our therapy together has worked for me before, and I want to go deeper into that and try new modalities we haven’t used before.”

“I respect that,” she replied kindly. “The choice is entirely up to you, and I will be here to support you the whole way. Is there a certain treatment you have in mind?”

“You wouldn’t happen to be able to look into the future, would you?” I joked.

She frowned, though she looked more amused than upset. “Lucas, you know my visions can be unclear, and I don’t tell my patients what I see. That’s on days when the Waning isn’t affecting my powers, which means my visions are few and far between these days. It’s my philosophy that healing comes from within you. While I can use my visions to guide you in the right direction, I can’t give you the answers, or it would negate the role your experience plays in your growth.”

I sighed. “I thought you’d say that, though it was worth a shot. But this isn’t about me. It’s about the entire coven.”

“I’m afraid I don’t have knowledge of the outcome. I can see the potential within people, and sometimes I get visions of what they could become to help guide my practice, but I can’t give concrete answers. However, there is something we can try that may help. I think you’re ready for it. I’d like to lead you through a shadow meditation.”

I hesitated. “That sounds… almost demonic.”

“Quite the opposite, actually. Shadow work is about shedding a light on the parts of ourselves that we’re hiding. Those parts aren’t bad or malicious—you merely aren’t consciously aware of them. You’ve been doing this kind of work for years, though you may not have used this terminology. You’ve brought so many pieces of yourself to light and made so much progress, but through this meditation, I believe we can go even deeper and perhaps find areas that you haven’t yet acknowledged or embraced. This can be very intense work that can be too overwhelming for many patients, especially those starting out on their healing journey, but you’ve been doing this work long enough that I think you can handle whatever comes up, if you’re willing.”

“I am,” I said. “I know what it’s like to be afraid of myself, so I’m sure whatever comes up won’t be a surprise to either of us. If it helps, I’ll do it.”

“I can’t promise results,” Dr. Mack warned. “You may not see anything at all, or you may not like what you see. What comes up may not be at all what you expect, but if you let the meditation unfold, you may find the answers you need.”

She made it sound scary, but I wasn’t nervous at all. I was serious about doing this work, and I was ready to take it to the next level. “I’m open to anything.”

Dr. Mack gave an agreeable nod and stood. She went over to the cabinets behind her desk and opened a drawer. She withdrew a bundle of herbs, a miniature ceramic cauldron, and a lighter. “To perform this meditation, I will be putting you into a dream-like state using specialized Seer herbs. This will bring your subconscious to the surface, with the hope that you may reveal some of those deeper layers of yourself to provide clarity. You will still be consciously aware, but you will be unable to influence the events in your dream. Do I have your permission to do that?”

“Yes.” I laid back on the couch, propping my head up on a pillow.

Dr. Mack placed the mini cauldron on the end table near my head, then sat in a chair on the other side of the table. I closed my eyes to relax into the cushions, and Oliver curled into my lap. Linda’s lighter clicked, and the sweet aroma of the burning herbs filled the room.

“Inhale deeply, and feel your breath fill every cell in your body, all the way from the top of your head and deep into your toes,” Dr. Mack started.

She continued guiding me to relax, and I thought I heard her mutter an incantation. I didn’t process what she’d said, as the Seer herbs started to take effect quickly. I found myself drifting off.

* * *

I stood alone in the middle of the street in downtown Octavia Falls. It looked like it had years ago, before the priestesses had torn down some of the older buildings. It didn’t register that anything was out of place, though. The sky was dark, and a thick layer of clouds blocked out all the stars. Nearby, a singular streetlamp flickered. The bulb appeared to be dying out, because it cast a dull blue hue around the street.

I didn’t remember what brought me here. I thought I’d been looking for something, but I couldn’t place my finger on what it was.

Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. I whirled toward a nearby alleyway, but it was completely deserted. I told myself it must’ve been a cat, but a shiver traveled up my spine, indicating something far more sinister.

I started walking down the street, and the sound of my shoes on the pavement seemed to echo off the empty buildings. The hairs on the back of my neck stood, and though I listened closely for the sounds of anything following me, I heard nothing. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had its eyes on me.

I picked up the pace, and my heart started to pound to the rhythm of my footsteps. I heard the scratch of something behind me, like claws against one of the shop windows. I shot a glance over my shoulder, and that’s when I saw the creature following me. I couldn’t make it out clearly in the shadows, but it looked like a man, only taller and slimmer, and it had long, spindly fingers. The creature’s silhouette wasn’t clearly defined, as if he wasn’t entirely solid but made up of some sort of dark, thick gaseous material instead.

The creature was there one second and then gone in the blink of an eye. The streetlamp flickered, and I was once again alone on the street, but I didn’t slow my pace. I could still feel the creature lurking, though I had no idea where he’d gone.

I shot nervous glances up and down the street. The light flickered once more, revealing a second creature standing on the sidewalk ahead of me. This one was bipedal like the other, but not as tall. It appeared to be made from thousands of thin threads. The creature’s form looked chaotic and disordered, like a child had scribbled across the outline of a man and the drawing had come to life.

My pulse pounded in my ears, and sheer panic sent me searching for the closest exit. I spotted an alley to my right, and I took off running to escape from the terrifying creatures. They were hunting me, and I was certain that if they caught me, they’d consume me entirely.

The creatures raced after me, following me down the alleyway. With every footstep I took, they came in closer. Their shadows seemed to loom over me, and I felt the whoosh of the wind as their claws swiped out at me, just barely missing my skin.

I broke out of the alleyway and onto the next street. I quickly veered left and grabbed the handle of the nearest shop door. The door wasn’t locked, so I ducked inside. I crouched behind the window display, curling my knees to my chest as I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. It was something a child would do when they were afraid of the monsters in their closet. If I couldn’t see or hear them, they didn’t exist.

It’s all in your head, I told myself.

Slowly, my heart rate began to stabilize, and I opened my eyes. I scanned the shop for signs of the monsters, startling when the shadows of a clothing rack appeared too life-like. I lowered my hands and listened for movement, but I was alone.

I got to my feet and peered out the door, but the street was empty now. When the coast was clear, I stepped outside and back onto the street. As I started walking down the road, I noticed the hairs on my arm rising again, and that familiar sense of being watched overcame me. I glanced around the street, but the monsters were nowhere in sight. I was scared to look behind me, because everything in my being told me that’s where they’d be, and I feared facing them again.

You’re ready to face them , I heard a voice within me say. It sounded like my own, though I didn’t know where it’d come from. Somewhere inside of me, I knew that voice was safe to listen to.

Slowly, I turned, my body trembling with each micromovement. The two creatures stood side by side in the middle of the street, but they didn’t pursue me like I expected. Surely, I was merely their prey, and they wanted to harm me… so why were they just standing there?

I wished I could say facing them eased my fears, but it did the exact opposite. I felt myself contracting, and every cell within my body became alive with discomfort. I wanted to run again, but I didn’t, because running away wasn’t going to get rid of them. It’d only wear me down, until they finally captured me.

“What do you want?” I called down the street.

The tall one with the spindly fingers slowly stepped forward, and I noticed he was clutching his stomach. I hesitated, nearly breaking out into a sprint again, but I forced myself to keep my feet grounded. As he came closer, I realized something about him seemed familiar, but I couldn’t quite define it.

He stepped under the light of a streetlamp and slowly opened his arms, revealing his full torso to me. In the pit of the creature’s stomach was a swirling vortex. It looked like gray smoke funneling into the depths of a black hole that took up the entirety of the creature’s abdominal cavity.

Then I realized what was so familiar about him. It was the energy he gave off. I sympathized with the creature, because I too knew what that dark swirling vortex in the pit of your stomach felt like. Such an affliction could suck the life out of you, until you became nothing more than a shell of a being.

This monster seemed to be even less than a shell. With his smokey outline, it appeared like he was fading away.

“You’re hurt,” I realized.

The creature nodded, then pointed down the street. I turned to see a man slumped over a large desk. He had his head in his hands, appearing hopeless as he looked over mounds of paperwork. He drew a long, deep sigh and dropped his hands, revealing his features under the light of the desk lamp next to him.

It was me , an exact copy right down to the shoes I’d worn thin. Only, there was something different about him, too. He had bags under his eyes and looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His hair was unkempt, and the distress in his features was impossible to miss. A sandwich sat next to him on the desk, though it’d gone completely untouched. He appeared to be working so hard he wasn’t even eating. I didn’t understand how he’d let it get that bad.

The other Lucas scribbled a few things on a piece of paper, then began to drift off. His head sagged, and he jolted awake suddenly. Sighing, he set down his pen and stood from his chair.

A bed appeared nearby, along with the distant grunting of a baby. The infant wasn’t in distress or in trouble, but the other Lucas also didn’t seem to hear him. Someone was already sleeping in the bed, but I couldn’t make out who, because they had the blankets pulled up around them. The other Lucas didn’t acknowledge the sleeping figure as he collapsed into bed and was out in seconds.

I realized the other person was Nadine, and it bothered me that this man hadn’t even acknowledged his family.

The monster swiped his hand through the air. The scene washed away in a smokey mass, like the creature had erased it before my eyes. In its place, two men appeared in the street. One was a mirror image of myself, and the other was my father.

“All you ever do is disrespect and disobey me!” my father raged at my duplicate. “You’ll amount to nothing!”

The other Lucas cowered under my father’s insults. I didn’t understand why he would do that, and my heart broke to witness it.

“Stand up to him,” I told my other self. “Why aren’t you fighting back?”

But the duplicate didn’t hear me. In an instant, the figures vanished.

I didn’t understand. I turned back to the creature, hoping he could explain, but the one with the pit in its stomach had stepped back. The shorter, chaotic-looking one stepped forward, pointing toward the sidewalk.

I followed its gaze and noticed a man sitting beneath one of the shop windows, his knees curled to his chest. He was muttering something under his breath, though I couldn’t hear him.

Curiously, I stepped toward the man. In just a few paces, it became apparent that it was another version of me.

“I can’t do it,” he muttered. “It’s all on me, and I’m bound to amount to nothing.”

A pang entered my chest, because it hurt to watch him suffer. I didn’t understand how he could think like that. We’d left behind that kind of thinking long ago.

I knelt at his side and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Lucas.”

My duplicate looked up at me, and I realized he wasn’t a perfect copy. His hair was a little shorter than I wore it now, and his face was a bit smoother, without the bit of stubble I’d grown out. This version of me must’ve been at least three years younger than I was now.

I sat at his side and wrapped an arm around him. “I know what it’s like to feel like you won’t make it,” I told him. “It’s a valid fear, because you’ve been there before, when you lost everything and all seemed hopeless. I know you’re afraid of going back there. But you never have to go back to the past—ever. That time in your life is over. Even if the circumstances look the same in the future, they won’t be, because you aren’t the same person who experienced them the first time. I’m here for you now, and I’m going to take care of you.”

The younger version of myself didn’t say anything, but I felt his shoulder sag beneath my arm.

“I know it’s hard to believe in your destiny, because the future is a place you’ve never been before,” I said. “You’re afraid you won’t fulfill your promises, because you can’t be sure of how it’s all going to play out. But one thing I know to be true—you’ve already put in the work, and there’s no amount of doubting your power that could ever stop your momentum. One way or another, your destiny will be fulfilled, and we can’t stop it now. Whatever happens, I am here for you. We are a whole, complete being, and whatever happens on this physical plane can’t damage who we are at our core. You can do this, and you are capable.”

The crease between the other Lucas’s brows deepened. “Can I trust you?”

“Yes,” I promised. “I accept you for all you are, and I’m going to take care of you.”

“Thank you for acknowledging me,” he whispered.

Younger Lucas leaned into me, and I pulled him into a hug. As I did so, I felt his energy melding into my own. He faded away, until we became one being. I could still feel him there deep inside of me, but it was like he’d stepped aside to allow me to take control.

I stood and faced the monsters. “I know why you seem familiar now. I’ve met you before. Even though we’ve worked together, there’s still a part of me that’s running from you. And maybe I’ll never stop, but perhaps I can slow down and listen closer.”

The two creatures bowed their heads in unison as a sign of respect. They agreed with me.

“That’s the part I’ve been missing about this whole thing, isn’t it?” I asked. “I don’t have to get to a point where these old pieces aren’t a part of me anymore. I just have to listen, because all they want is to be acknowledged, just like the two of you. And I can do that, while still knowing that my past is not where I’m going.”

I’d picked up on bits and pieces of this healing process before, but it was one thing to have the information and another to truly know it and be able to put it into practice.

I addressed the taller figure with the pit in his stomach. “I know who you are. You’re my depression. You’re here to show me where I’m not being true to myself, and I thank you for showing me that.”

I turned to the other creature. “And you’re my anxiety. You’re here to show me where I’m not trusting myself.”

Both of the creatures nodded.

All the caution I felt before vanished, and I stepped toward them. I reached my arms outward and wrapped them both in a hug. Depression rested his head on my shoulder, and Anxiety pressed his heart space into my side. I could feel Anxiety’s racing pulse, and I sensed the darkness of Depression’s pit, but within my own body, I felt neither. It was a profound feeling to witness each of them without taking them on as my whole truth.

“Thank you for being here,” I told them. “Maybe you are in my head, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t real. I don’t need to run from you, because I see you’re trying to work with me and not against me. You’ll always be a part of me, but now I know you aren’t my enemy, but my ally. All you ever wanted was to be heard. Even though it’s going to take some practice, I can do that for you.”

Anxiety and Depression began to fade away, their energy becoming my own just as I’d done with Younger Lucas. I was left standing on the empty street, only this time, I knew I wasn’t alone, and I never would be. I would always have these pieces of myself guiding me.

All I had to do was listen.

* * *

I awoke in Dr. Mack’s office, not quite sure how much time had passed. Something within me felt profoundly different, though I couldn’t explain it. Something had clicked that I’d known all along, but hadn’t understood until this moment.

“How do you feel?” Dr. Mack asked as I pushed myself upright.

I looked into the bowl of Seer herbs and saw that they were burning their last embers. “I feel like I’m learning new layers to this journey every day,” I admitted. “I can know something for years, but then it all changes when I see it from another angle or put a different lens on it. I can’t put it into words, because to someone else it may look exactly the same, but to me, it’s like opening my eyes to a whole new world. Thank you for doing that for me, Dr. Mack.”

“Anytime, Lucas,” she said with a kind smile. “Did you get what you needed?”

“Yes, and perhaps even more,” I replied.

My phone rang, and I quickly pulled it from my pocket to see Nadine was calling. “It’s my wife.”

“Take the call,” Dr. Mack said approvingly. “Our session is over, and I’ll see you next week.”

Dr. Mack knew exactly what she was saying. I’d just told her there was a chance the priestesses could destroy the coven in two days, and she was acting as if we’d all be here in a week. It was her way of showing me she believed in me.

Oliver and I stepped out of her office, and I answered my phone. “Nad, everything okay?”

“Lucas, we know where the Curse Breaker Wand is,” my wife replied urgently. “You need to come home, because we’re going after it. Today.”