Page 138 of The Surrender

“Fuck!” he roars, making me flinch, the sound of him punching the steering wheel clear down the line. “My dad killed himself, Amelia.”

I stare at the road ahead, my body suddenly still.

“He killed himself, and he made sure it was me who found him.”

“What?”

“He hung himself.”

I cough over my sob.

“I’ve spent years hiding that truth from my family, Amelia. I lied to people, made sure there were no question marks over his death. I couldn’t shatter my mother’s perfect romantic notion of what she had with him. What they’d built. I shielded her from the truth, made sure the man she loved wasn’t tarnished.”

I stare ahead at the road.

“He nearly lost everything because of shit advice from an amateur cowboy adviser.”

“Nick,” I whisper.

“He couldn’t face the shame and guilt.” Jude’s voice cracks, and he curses a few times before he continues. “Nick’s father was on the board at the bank involved. He covered up his son’s fuckup and took a massive retirement package before the institution was investigated for insider trading and gross misconduct. He died before he could be put in front of a judge, and Nick walked away scot-fucking-free. No repercussions. No consequences. He changed his name and got on with his fucking life, Amelia, while mine fell apart around me.”

My arms brace against the wheel, the road blurry as I drive, on autopilot.

“Dad killed himself, and I had to make sure no one would know so his life insurance and policies would pay out. I had to lie to everyone—my mum, my brothers, the police. I had to cut his fucking body down from the rafters in the garage and unravel the sheets from around his neck. I had to get the pills he took for his angina. Make it look like aheart attack. It’s made me so fucking heavy, Amelia. It’s made me hateful and vengeful and tired. He left me to deal with everything. Mum was my purpose, and then he took her with him too. I hated him for that. I hated him for being such a fucking coward. I’ve been angry for so long, limping through life wondering if I’ll ever feel normal and light again. I’ve been broken, pretending to be together, and every day a little bit more fell away, and it was that little bit tougher to put on an act.” His voice lowers to a rough, pained whisper. “You’ve changed everything, baby.Everything.You’ve changedme. Please, pull over.”

My mind is a mess, my stupid heart struggling to beat. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had every intention. You have to believe me. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t want you to think it was all a game, because it wasn’t. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the hope I needed. I can’t lose you, Amelia.”

I blink, my mind trying to process everything he’s urgently thrown at me.

“You made a mess of me,” he whispers. “You. Made. A. Mess. Of. Me. But it’s the best mess I’ve ever been in. With you. Finding you.”

I sob, gripping the steering wheel harder. “You made a mess of me too.”

“I know, baby. And you’re the most beautiful mess.”

I sniff back my tears, wiping my eyes.

“I love you.” His voice is hardly together. “So fucking much, and if I can’t fix this, fixus, then there’s nothing for me except pointless praise and endless loneliness.”

“I’m pregnant,” I murmur, my throat so tight, making the words quiet.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant, and now I’m terrified everything you just said won’t matter.”

“Oh my God, never. Fucking hell, never, do you hear me?” His voice cracks. “You’re pregnant?”

I nod, struggling to talk through the thickness in my throat. “It sounds disgusting, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, baby, it sounds really fucking wonderful, actually.”

I cough over my half-sob, half-broken laugh. “I love you.”

“I love you t— Fuck!” Jude’s curse is loud and urgent. “Baby, the next turn is sharp, you need to slow down.”

I blink, my hands numb from the tightness of my grip on the wheel.