Page 131 of The Surrender

I didn’t return to work in the afternoon either. It felt quite pointless. I visited my doctor, who confirmed the wound is infected and prescribed some antibiotics. I also took the opportunity to share my recent news. Pregnant. The doctor smiled and congratulated me. She had me do another test to confirm it, recommended some vitamins, and told me I’d hear from the prenatal care team soon about a scan.

It was all a bit surreal.

Then I went to Abbie’s, and when she got home, I cried on her again. For an hour straight. And she just held me, silent, letting me get it all out. Except the tears won’t fucking stop coming. And the pain in my chest won’t fuck off.

“I need to get away,” I say, my words sounding as broken as I feel, as she hugs me more.

“You shouldn’t be on your own.”

“It’s what I need right now.” I pull away and smile through my tears. I have never felt pain like this. I feel like I’m grieving. “Will you help me find somewhere?”

She nods, but I can tell she’s reluctant. I also know she’ll be putting in a crisis call to Charley. I pull out my laptop and sit back, startingto scan my options, flicking through the various pages of places that are apparently the perfect getaway for someone who needs peace and tranquillity. A small villa in Sorrento by the old fishing village. Quiet. Warm. Far away.

“This,” I say, scrolling through the pictures.

“I’m not sure,” Abbie says, unenthusiastic.

“About Sorrento, or me going anywhere at all?”

“The latter.” She shifts up close to me, looking at the screen. “The problem won’t go away because you do, Amelia.”

“I just need some breathing space.” My mobile starts ringing, backing me up, but I don’t check who’s calling.

“You can’t avoid him forever.”

“I won’t.” I go back to the screen and scan the flight options, taking a breath and holding it as I click to confirm the booking.

To leave this evening.

“I’ll speak to Jude before I go. I need to take the Jaguar back, anyway.”

“You’re being a bit hasty. Why do you have to go this minute?”

“Because I can’t sit here any longer crying, thinking, wondering how I could have been so stupid and why the universe has been so cruel.”

“I’ll get wine.” Abbie sighs, standing. I look up at her. “Shit, you can’t even have wine.” She lowers back to the couch.

“Shame, because I’d kill for a glass.” I go back to my computer and start drafting my letter of resignation. And hold my breath again when I send it to Gary. Out of fight. “Done.” I snap the lid of my laptop closed.

“Okay?” Abbie pats my knee.

“No,” I admit, getting up. “I’m going home to shower and pack.” I leave her with a kiss, feeling her worried eyes on me as I go.

I feel so numb as I pull through the gates of Arlington Hall. Mum’s been calling me, and despite my messaging her to tell her I’m okay, shepersists. I finally relent and answer her call as I crawl up the driveway past the stream.

“I’m okay,” I say, hearing the emotion in my voice, defying my words.

“Where are you, darling? We’re all so worried. Abbie’s called, Charley’s called. And Jude. He’s called too.”

I watch the evening sun shimmering on the surface of the water. It’s perfect. This whole place, perfect. But not. “I’m going away,” I tell her. “Just for a few weeks to get my head together.” I’m flying out from Birmingham. Birmingham via Oxfordshire to drop my Jaguar off and tell Jude Harrison he’s going to be a father.

“Oh, Amelia, please come home. Your dad is worried sick. He thinks you’re mad with him.”

“I’m not mad with Dad,” I assure her. “I’m mad with myself.”

“You should be with your family.”

“I should be with myself,” I say, letting my thoughts spill out. I don’t want to make her feel guilty. Or my dad. “I need to be with my thoughts, Mum. With my body, my emotions. Everything’s shifted so fast and unexpectedly.” Fuck, my voice is wobbling. No. Not now. Now, I need to be together. “I’ve got to give myself grace and time to adjust.”