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EMBER

I wish the girls hadn’t been so helpful before they left. If they hadn’t, there would be dishes for me to rinse and a dishwasher to load and run. Anything that would keep me busy enough that I wouldn’t have to look at, or talk to, Atom.

Instead, it looks as if no one was ever here.

Dawn even did that thing where you karate chop the top of pillows to give them a nice shape.

The only safe bet is to disappear into the bathroom and get ready for bed. Women’s bathrooms are a magical curio to men. They have no idea what we do in there or why it all takes so long.

I’m headed that way until…

“Ember?” Atom says my name quietly. His presence filled the room long before he spoke.

I take a deep breath and think before I turn to face him. I know he’s going to say something that will break my heart again. That in the time since we spoke before my father was here and now, he’s come to a conclusion.

The same one he always comes to.

“What?” I ask, knowing that it’s time for us to move out of the stasis we’re in. Love flows out of me like a sieve, but I haven’t found a single person who wants it.

If he turns me down again, I have to figure out how to finally accept it.

“What if…? I guess what I’m…I mean, I can’t do this,” Atom says.

The words hit me hard in the gut. Maybe harder than the first time when I stood in the field and told him I wanted to be more than his friend. This hurts most because I already knew it would end this way, even though I expected those words. But I guess I allowed the whisper of hope to wrap around me and insulate me from the reality that I’m no one’s first choice.

“I understand,” I say, more bravely than I feel. “I know my father told you to stay tonight, but I want you to go. No point in dragging this out and making it more painful than it needs to be. And there are two men outside.”

He smiles wryly but doesn’t move closer. “There’s a reason I’m better with horses than humans. You didn’t let me finish. I don’t know how to do this anymore.” He gestures between the two of us. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life mad at you because it’s easier than accepting the alternative.”

“Which is?”

He runs a hand over his jaw. “You were right. You were always right. You’re the only woman I’ve ever seen. I just…I don’t know how to have you and be an Outlaw. I want both, Em. And for some reason, God’s decided that’s just too damn greedy.”

His honesty hits me. I can hear the torment and anguish in his words. But I can’t find it in me to walk to him like I want to. “I don’t know that I can solve that for you. Because if I’m being honest, I’d sell this place and move anywhere in this country with you if you asked me to. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give up for you. My father. Whiskey Fever. All of it. And you don’t feel the same.”

“I don’t deserve the faith you’ve always had in me. But you have me all wrong.” Atom moves toward me, and it feels pivotal. Important.

It’s hard to breathe.

His large hand dwarfs my own when he takes it. “What you said earlier. We have been on a precipice. And I don’t know why it suddenly feels like the earth’s moving. Like an earthquake with those tectonic plates shifting, leaving me unstable and making it harder to ignore you.”

Everything from my heart to my gut tightens. He’s saying words I want to hear. Words I hope are leading somewhere. But my faith in this man has never been rewarded. There are so many things I want to say, and yet the words don’t find their way out.

“That’s why I kissed you in the stable,” he continues. “That’s why I held you, because I do care. And the reason I felt the need to race back here on my motorcycle to make sure you were okay is because I’ve always wanted you to be mine to defend. Mine to protect. I feel like time, and my chance to be with you, is slipping through my fingers, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.”

He kisses my knuckles one at a time. It’s hard to make out the expression on his face.

Contrition.

Wonder.

Gently, he pulls me to him. My brain screams that I know better than to agree. But it can’t beat my heart, which is foolishly willing to risk the fall.

When his lips meet mine, I’m lost to the wonder of it.

When Rocco kissed me, it was sweet. Soft. Safe, maybe. But everything about the way Atom touches me is dark and dangerous.

Maybe it’s the fact it’s forbidden that makes it all the more delicious. That it’s something we aren’t supposed to do, but we’re doing it anyway. The rebellion makes everything taste sweeter.

He lifts me with strong arms like I’ve always dreamed of him doing. And I wrap my legs around him. I’m not a small woman, but he makes me feel like I am. He holds me with such strength and certainty as he pushes me back against the wall, his cock nudging against my pussy through his thick denim and my shorts.

Everything in me tightens and shivers.

“Ember,” he groans. “Tell me to stop.”

I think about my love life for the last five years. Being set up by friends. Dating apps, coming home to ridiculous messages.

Hey, sugar tits .

You look like you need a good dicking.

Jerking to your pics was so good. Can’t imagine what the real thing is gonna feel like.

They would go from bad to worse, leaving me feeling so dirty, I needed a shower. Debatable consent in a dating-app world. Because I sure as fuck didn’t give any of these men the consent to approach me sexually.

I’m breathless. “You know I can’t.”

I don’t want to go back to that. Not when I can have this in whatever form it takes. Not when his hands stroke my body, learning my every curve.

There’s a reason I’m single, and it’s because I’ve been waiting for Atom to come to his senses and see me.

No, not see me. If I believe what he said earlier, he always has.

What I’ve been waiting for is for him to want me so badly, he’s willing to overrule every other control mechanism he put in place to keep the two of us apart.

I’ve been unable to find a real connection with anyone else because of him.

Our eyes lock, and I swear our hearts must be racing to the same beat.

“Fuck it,” he says, before kissing me like it’s the last thing either of us will ever do.

And now, as my heart races as he squeezes the cheeks of my ass, I lose myself in the taste of him when his tongue brushes mine.

“Atom,” I mutter against his lips.

A lifetime of daydreams about how it would feel with this man hardly prepared me for the reality. As he drops the pretense of indifference, I allow myself to believe for a heartbeat that it could be real.

For a decade, there’s been an Atom-shaped hole in my life that no one has been able to fill.

His lips brush kisses along my jaw, and I tilt my neck to allow him room to work his magic. He kisses behind my ear and nibbles on the lobe as I run fingers through his hair.

His cock feels so good pressed up between my legs, I have to bite down on the urge to grind against him. Denim rubs against denim, causing a friction and warmth that edges me closer to an orgasm.

He groans against my neck as his fingers dig into the cheeks of my ass and squeeze.

Every part of me trembles with the deliciousness of this moment.

“Stop holding back, Em,” he says, as if he can read my mind.

His lips return to my mouth, and every nerve ending within me sparks.

My muscles relax, and I roll my hips, wondering what it would feel like if we were naked.

“Fuck, feels so good.” His words brush my skin as he speaks.

His thick length grinds against me, and I gasp at how incredible it feels. It shocks me how quickly those feelings turn into the telltale signs I’m going to come.

As if he senses it, Atom pushes harder against me. His eyes meet mine with a fierce intensity and need I’ve never seen before. He wants me as badly as I want him.

“Let me take it, Em,” he mutters against my mouth.

Perhaps the universe owes me this one moment in payment for the years of longing. And if there has to be an underscore to this undeniable thing between us, then maybe an orgasm at his hands should be it.

Because I don’t know what happens next. No promises were made. No conclusions drawn. This could be forever, or it could be the end.

He presses his teeth to my earlobe, biting down firmly, and the pinch of pain is all it takes to break free of thought and give in to what I’m feeling.

The orgasm shakes me like the earthquake Atom mentioned earlier. I tumble, out of control, into it.

“Yeah, sweetheart. Ride it for me,” Atom whispers against my ear. “Wish I could feel the way your cunt is quivering for me right now.”

I can’t think straight. Everything reels out of control as I do what he says. The orgasm explodes deep within me, and I shake at the force of it.

I see stars as I throw my head back and cry out.

No experience I’ve ever had has felt like this. It’s a struggle to get my breath under control. No other man has been able to make me feel like this, has made an orgasm rattle through me this way, like Atom has.

My future needs to be more of this. The kind of soul-shattering intimacy that makes you crave the other person all the time.

And for some reason I can’t fathom, I mess it all up.

“What does this mean?” I say, ruining everything. Immediately, regret fills me. It’s like asking what a partner is thinking when you’ve both just come.

Except he hasn’t even come yet. Which makes me feel even worse.

It’s way too early to ask, but it feels like the very last line of defense for my heart.

He shakes his head and drops his forehead to my shoulder, placing a tender kiss on my damp neck. “I don’t know.”

It wasn’t quite the declaration I was hoping for. Though maybe it was exactly the answer I was expecting.

I wrestle free of him, and he places my feet on the floor. “What is that supposed to mean?” I ask.

“Exactly that, Em. I want you and I want the club, and I don’t think your dad is going to let me have both. But we need to try.”

“What are you saying?”

Atom tucks a lock of hair behind my ear, then cups my cheek. “Can we do it quietly? Test the waters ourselves first. See how we are together?”

“You mean keep this a secret?”

He kisses my forehead gently. It’s like, now that he’s opened the floodgates of touching me, he can’t stop. “Yes. Me being with you will cause a lot of hurt in our brotherhood. Fuck knows what your dad will actually do. But I live here. I can’t leave. My ranch is here. And the club is on our land. It affects everyone. I guess what I’m saying is, why don’t you and I try this shift in our relationship on for size? We’ll date; we’ll make out.” He smirks at that and brushes his thumb over my lower lip. “Just on the down-low.”

I want to fight back. I want him to claim me publicly. Tell the world he loves me. But what he’s saying makes sense. Even if it makes me feel like he’s got us failing as one of his possible outcomes.

“What was that thought?” he asks.

I huff a laugh. “Are you a mind reader now?”

He shakes his head. “Your poker face was never much good around me. You get little wrinkles in the bridge of your nose.”

“You think we could fail.”

“Everything can fail, sweetheart. But that’s not why I’m suggesting this. When we go face your dad, which we will eventually, since I don’t like the idea of lying to him, we need to be one hundred percent certain, because it will be bumpy for a while after. He’ll see straight through us if we’re unsure.”

Okay. I can get my head around that. “You’re right. If I know my father, he’ll interrogate us both. We should be sure. So, I guess I’m agreeing while feeling incredibly nervous because when we stop talking, you’re gonna kiss me again. And then we're going to have to decide one bed or two, and then?—”

Atom’s lips crush mine and cancel the wave of nervous thought and verbal flood that just overwhelmed me. His palms cup my cheeks, his hands so big and fingers so long that they reach into my hair.

Gently, he guides me back to the wall. “You want me to decide what happens next, Ember? Because for once in my life, I’m utterly certain.”