Page 32 of The Love Thief
CHAPTER TWENTY - TWO All You Need Is Love?
Hearing Divya’s story of growing into love with her husband opened a vein of curiosity in me to delve deeper into my own thoughts and beliefs about love.
I thought Barry loved me. I thought I loved him. And if what we had was love, I was done.
In my thirty-eight years on Planet Earth, I had never questioned what love was. I had assumed it was a feeling, a warm, fuzzy sensation of light, laughter, and complete acceptance. Of course, when you’re in love, it’s obvious that love is the best feeling on earth. Until it’s not.
I decided to google “love,” and among the many definitions I found, this one was particularly compelling on ThoughtCatalog.com :
A widespread incurable disease that is known to affect the mind and sometimes the body. Symptoms may include affected judgment, lightheadedness, watering eyes, chest pains, and an increased need to be with the person who infected you. Is highly contagious and can be deadly.
As I walked through the front door of the Bliss Café and Spiritual Bookstore the next morning, Deepak blasted me awake with his usual sweet smile and sparkling eyes.
This was what unconditional love felt like . . . a face that lights up and nearly screams I’m so happy to see you. I imagined that is what a father’s love would be like. An unexpected wave of happiness washed through me.
Suddenly I noticed I could breathe deeper as I felt my soul sink into the truth of this very safe person and safe place for me to land.
During our morning chai-and-chat fests, as I called them, Deepak had learned more than he probably cared to about my relationship with Barry. In his kind and nonjudgmental way, he had allowed me to vent without ever pointing out the many red flags that had surfaced from the very beginning.
“Deepak, given everything I’ve told you about Barry, I have a couple of professional questions I’d like to ask you, if that’s okay?”
His expression turned serious, and he nodded yes.
“Do you think Barry ever loved me?” I asked in barely a whisper, not at all confident I was ready to hear the answer.
Deepak let out a long sigh.
“Holly, a man like this is not capable of love. Technically, he could be diagnosed as a toxic narcissist, maybe even a sociopath. From everything you’ve told me about him, he displays that classic profile: arrogance, a sense of entitlement, little if any respect for boundaries, selfishness, self-importance, haughty and belittling behavior, and grandiosity.
Expecting him to love you would be like asking a man with no arms to hold you.
“Simply impossible and not your fault.”
“Did I love him? It sure felt like love to me, and it was more intense and wonderful than anything I’ve ever experienced in the past. I thought we were soulmates . . . if that wasn’t love . . . what is?”
Deepak looked into my eyes.
“Love is many things. It’s more than just feelings.
Most importantly, love is a behavior. It’s a practice, a decision, a way of being, and while it does come with good feelings, over a lifetime, the feelings come and go.
To maintain lasting love, the behavior must always be loving.
A long-lasting marriage requires a combination of trust and connection and friendship, and good communication.
We humans need to feel emotionally and physically safe in order to thrive together.
“Narcissists tend to be very smart, and Barry knew just what to say to you and how to say it so that you could feel like finally there was someone who totally gets you.
Someone who knows your innermost thoughts, needs, and desires.
Unfortunately, Barry love-bombed you, and you fell into a state known as ‘being in love.’ This set off cascades of feel-good hormones in your brain, things like dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline.
You went into the state I like to call ‘the socially acceptable form of insanity.’
“It’s nature’s trick to get us to pair up and mate and procreate to keep the species going. If you are lucky, this state lasts as long as three years, and then you move into a state of more mature, deeper love that isn’t as intense but is, in its own way, sweeter and more satisfying.”
I let that sink in. He was right. I had been love-bombed. And I had lost the war. A hot chill trickled down my spine, landing in my pelvis and burning my dreams of happily ever after. Wringing my sweaty hands together, I exhaled what felt like a plume of ash.
“So, Deepak, now what do I do? As much as I hate him, despise him for what he did to me, there is a part of me that wants to go back to all of our good times together, to hear all the beautiful things he said to me, all of the promises of a life and family together, all the romantic gestures that made me feel so loved and adored. It feels like inside the bad Barry, there is a good Barry, and I want him back,” I said as a flood of tears slid down my cheeks.
For a moment, it felt like I could drown there in a puddle of tears.
“I understand, Holly, I really do. On a certain level, you are going through a severe withdrawal. Some researchers say that getting over heartbreak is more difficult than overcoming cocaine addiction. It’s going to take time and your acceptance that you are in a state of grieving.
You are suffering the loss of love and the loss of your lifelong dream.
“I promise you will recover from this with patience and by being gentle with yourself. I have said this to you before, and I want to again remind you that God has a wonderful plan for you, one filled with authentic love, true joy, and a lifetime of goodness.
“Now that the worst is over with Barry, there is a vacuum. You now have plenty of room in your life for your next wondrous adventure,” he concluded.