Page 29 of The Love Thief

CHAPTER TWENTY Make Mine Simple

When I was little, upset and complaining about one thing or another, my mother would often laugh and say to me, “Hey, kid, keep up that whining, and I will be forced to call the Whambulance.”

I was a teenager before I understood what sarcasm really is, and my mother’s words were an introduction to it.

On my first visit to see Deepak after returning from Pondicherry, I thought of this as I heard myself say to him, “Geez, I just want to be happy. Why is that so hard? What’s it going to take?

It’s not like I’m asking for something unreasonable.

Ninety percent of the world already has this.

I’m a simple girl. I want a husband and some kids.

Now. In. That. Order. I just want to be happy,” tumbled out of my mouth like bitter lemon rinds, leaving me feeling like I was still seven years old.

Deepak looked at me with a raised left eyebrow and softly said, “No.”

Nothing else. Just “No.” A big, fat “No” just hanging in midair like a loud, stinky, unacknowledged fart.

“What do you mean, ‘No’?” I asked quietly.

“Holly, here’s the problem with happy ,” he began.

“Yes, happy feels good. It seems like the goal to shoot for, but happy isn’t where you want to land.

Happy is a state of being that is contingent upon someone or something.

You were happy in the beginning with Barry because you thought all your dreams were coming true.

And then you were unhappy because all your dreams came crashing down.

“Your happiness was tied to both a person and a goal. The secret sauce to a great life is not about happiness. It’s about santosha.

Remember that term from the heart exercise we did?

It is an ancient Sanskrit word that means contentment, utter contentment.

When you find and ultimately live santosha, you are in a satisfying state of contentment that is not dependent on anything or anyone.

“Contentment is being willing to accept both your happiness and your lack of it at any given moment. This is the practice of the spiritual warrior, to love what is, the good, the bad, the ugly, and to remain centered in appreciation and gratitude,” he explained.

“But Deepak,” I whined, hearing my mother’s sarcasm swell within my brain, “what about my goals, my dreams, my desires? Do I just throw up my hands and hope for the best?”

“Yes and no. It’s a paradox. Your desires and dreams are important, and I believe they come with a promise of potential fulfillment.

So, yes, dream big. And at the same time that you are moving forward to co-create your dreams with the Universe, stay detached and surrendered from the outcome itself.

Be content with where you are. Have an appreciation for where you are and allow yourself to deeply feel how good life is right now as the wiser, trusting part of you knows that what you’ve asked for is already yours on some unseen plane.

We must be patient to see when, how, or if it manifests on the physical plane. ”

My head was beginning to melt. In my mind’s eye, I could see my brain matter swirling down the drain, liquefied by the hot mess my life had become.

This all sounded like the kind of conversation Mom and Auntie Geeta would have when they returned from an Esther Hicks Law of Attraction cruise.

The last thing I wanted to do was become part of the “Woo-woo weirdness, ask and you shall receive,” crowd. Even my teeth began to hurt.

And yet, hearing it from Deepak, some part of me was getting it. I swallowed my reluctance as I leaned forward to absorb his words more intently.

“You’ve spent nearly your entire life focused on a goal based on a decision of a young girl.

Holly, what if God has a better plan for you?

What if your imagination isn’t vast enough to dream up the people and things that will bring you more love, joy, satisfaction, and contentment than you could ever imagine?

” Deepak asked this with a knowing, compassionate smile on his face.

“But if I give up this dream,” I whined, “and I don’t know what it is I really want, how will I ever make anything happen? I am really good at making stuff happen, but I totally suck at throwing up my hands and hoping for the best.”

Deepak put his right hand to his heart and beamed waves of the most loving look at me as he said, “ Learning to be with not knowing is perhaps one of the hardest things to master in this life. This means that we allow ourselves to be okay with what is happening and stop ourselves from endlessly worrying about an unpredictable future. It requires a big act of faith that something larger, grander, than us is at play here. It requires paying attention to the whispers and callings of our own souls. And we must be willing to sit patiently in the sea of uncertainty, certain that the Universe always has our back.”

The tingling of the bells on the front door announced the first customer of the day, which I took as my cue to take my wildly out-of-control monkey mind for a walk along Ma Ganga.

The sunbeams danced upon the surface of the river like gleaming diamonds.

As I started along the path, part of me wanted to figure out the answer to my “what the fuck am I going to do with my life” drama with an instant solution, and the other part of me wanted to see if I could find a way to stop freaking out and lean back into the arms of God and take my chances.

This last option did not feel good at all.

It felt unsafe, wrong, and scary. And yet, some rational part of my mind now acknowledged that my approach to life has not been working for me.