Page 28 of The Love Thief

I forced myself to wake up from a nightmare .

. . I had been attempting to walk through a dark forest, my feet were encased in deep mud, I tripped over vines and fallen trees, and was being eaten alive by mosquitoes, lost, dazed, confused.

I was desperately trying to figure out where I was, how I got there, and how I was ever going to get out.

Every breath was a struggle and there was a part of me that was simply ready to give up.

My situation was so horrific that some part of my brain said, This isn’t real, this can’t be happening . . . force yourself awake . And I did.

My chest felt constricted, heavy, as if a two-hundred-pound boulder were pressing down hard on my heart. Relieved to be awake and terrified about my life.

My brain was stuck in a negative feedback loop of persistent fearful thoughts and questions.

How could I have been that stupid? Why did they do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? What will I do now? Where will I live? Will I ping-pong between depressed and angry for the rest of my life?

Should I get out of bed and go jump into the swift current of the Ganga River and just let her sweep me away in the inky darkness?

As I contemplated whether or not I was serious about suicide, indulging these dark thoughts and allowing myself to attend my own pity party, I realized it was never anything I could seriously consider.

Holly, stop this right now! Haven’t you learned anything from all of your adventures thus far?

I challenged myself. Who cares if you don’t know where you will live or what you will do?

What you do know is that right now, at this moment, you have everything that you need.

And with that, I heard the hum of electrical things sparking back to life and took it as a sign of confirmation that even though I didn’t know my future, I could trust that good things were coming.

Misery level: 10+++.