Page 17 of The Long Refrain (Sweet Southern #4)

17

BENJI

FEbrUARY 2028

I should’ve known a care package from my moms wouldn’t just show up at the front door in a nice little box with a bow. Nolan is still sleeping at noon on a Saturday when a knock comes at the door. I tug on the hoodie that was tossed across the island last night after Nolan gave me the greatest blowjob of my life, my hands gripping the granite like a man possessed.

And all thoughts of the most amazing blowjob of my life disappear in a wisp of smoke when I open the door to find my moms on the other side. Mama is standing with her hand over her eyes surveying the scenery and Mom is chattering about perfect soil for citrus, oh my .

“Moms?”

Mama spins around with one of her warm, affectionate grins. “Mijo! Sweetheart. Hi. We just…” She pauses and looks over to Mom with a soft smile. “We just really wanted to hug you.”

“You drove six hours to hug me?”

“We’d fly to the moon to hug you,” Mom says seriously as she steps forward to do just that.

Her hug feels like safety, and warmth, and bandages on bruised knees. I breathe the scent of her in, the same perfume she’s worn since I can remember, and the incense she’s always burning when she meditates. She smells like home. Well, halfway like home. The rockstar still sleeping soundly in my bed smells more like home these days than anything else.

But no matter how big I get, I still feel like a child held in her arms.

Mama joins the hug and suddenly the universe doesn’t feel so big or scary anymore. They whisper soothing words into my hair as they hold me close. I realize then that I’m crying and I pull away with a small laugh.

Wiping at my tears, I stare at both of them in confusion. “I don’t have anywhere for you to stay…”

“Nonsense,” Mama says with a wave of her elegant hand. “We’ve got a hotel in Orlando. Mom wants to go to the theme parks.”

That stops me. “You want to go to a theme park? My anti-capitalist mom?”

Mom sniffs delicately. “I just figured while we’re here, we might as well.”

A noise behind me has me turning around to find Nolan standing awkwardly at the edge of the living room, my extra-large sweatshirt hanging off his thin frame. He looks so unsure, so off-footed, that I can’t help but cross the room to tug him against my side.

“Moms, this is Nolan.” I turn my head to look at Nolan with a tender smile that he tries very hard to match. “He’s my…” I pause and stare down at Nolan. There’s no word that really describes him. Nothing is enough, everything is too little. “He’s mine.”

My hopeless romantic mom sighs and steps forward to take Nolan in a tight hug. Nolan stands frozen, his arms hanging loose at his sides, until finally his brain kicks in and he tentatively returns the embrace. She whispers something in his ear that I can’t make out. I watch as Mom tugs Nolan into the living room, her fingers tightly holding on to his own. My heart does this weird drop and roll in my chest at the sight of them together.

“I think maybe they’re kindred souls,” Mama says quietly from beside me.

I tip my head to look over at her. “I think so too, Mama. I think the universe wanted me and him to meet very badly.”

“The universe is very magical in that way. It knows what we need more than what we want.”

“I agree.” I clear my throat softly as I turn to look at her fully. “I think I’m going to stay here. It’s good for him. When he needs to travel somewhere, I’ll go with him. But I spent so long looking for my place, needing to know where I belong, and I think all along I belonged with him. Is that crazy?”

Mama cups my cheek and presses a soft kiss to my temple. “No, love. He’s the other half of your soul, just like Mom is for me. When you find that missing piece, you grab on and never let go. Do you think he’ll lead you anywhere good?”

My throat dries and my heart races at her question. “I think he’ll lead me somewhere great.”

Her smile is simmering and kind, and her hug is like the sun. By the time they leave to go back to their hotel, I think Mama was right, and that Nolan and my mom were also made to find each other. Nolan and I stand on the balcony and watch their car peel away to Orlando, with promises of a dinner before they return home to Georgia in a week.

“That’s what it’s like?” Nolan asks quietly, voice small and frail.

“What?”

Nolan reaches out to grip the edge of my hoodie, the tops of his fingers trailing over the warm skin of my hips. “That’s what it’s like to have parents?”

“Yeah, angel. They’re yours now too.”

A tear slips down his cheek when his eyes shut tight, so I tug him close to hold him against my chest.

Nolan is off with Harper, so I do the only thing I know to do. I go for a run. February in Florida is either freezing cold or almost spring. Luckily, today the air is just cool enough to keep me comfortable as I jog along the back roads of Clay Springs. My feet pound the pavement and my heart races as I run, run, and run until all the thoughts in my head are silent. Just me and the road. I run for long enough that my muscles ache and I know it’s time to slow down. Instead of taking the turn back to the apartment, I turn down the gravel driveway that leads toward Beau and Trevor’s place.

Beau’s work truck sits outside, alerting me to the fact they’re both home. Laughter from the backyard has me walking slowly that way, huffing and puffing as I do my best to catch my breath. I must look a total sight because Trevor sits up from the hammock with a slightly frightened look.

“Jesus! Are you okay?” Trevor calls out.

“Oh.” I wince awkwardly. “I was just jogging.”

“Christ,” Trevor swears again and presses the heel of his palm to his forehead. “I thought maybe… God.” He turns toward Beau with a high-pitched laugh.

I watch awkwardly as Beau smiles softly and rubs at Trevor’s back. Oh. He probably thought…

“Sorry,” I apologize quickly, taking an awkward step closer. “Nolan’s fine.”

“Right,” Trevor says quickly. He stands from the hammock, pats Beau’s stomach, then heads inside without a backward glance.

“I fucked up.”

Beau grunts and lies back down in the hammock, his big body swaying it dangerously. “Nah, he’s just had a busy day. What brought you over?”

“Oh, I was just jogging and turned this way instead of going home…”

Beau raises one eyebrow. “Do you need a job? I can put you to work.”

I toss myself down on the plush grass. Picking some of the green strands from the earth, I tear them apart in my hands as I continue to cool down from my run. Maybe I do need a job. Maybe I need to go back to school. It’s hard to focus on myself when I’m still so worried about Nolan.

“I dropped out of college,” I tell Beau without looking up. He’s silent, so I keep picking at the grass. “I wasn’t ever really good at learning. I’m not the smart kind, you know? I’m funny and good looking and steady, but that’s about it. But Jackson mentioned maybe cooking school would be good for me? I think maybe that’s a good idea. But I want a job too. A real one, not that sex work isn’t real, it is, but I just…” I trail off and finally look up at Beau. He’s staring at me like I imagine he’d stare at a pacing lion, slightly worried, but wondering what the hell I’m thinking.

“You’re allowed to start over too,” Beau says matter-of-factly. “Not just Nolan.”

Well. He’s right. “I’ve always taken care of someone else.”

“You’re no good to Nolan unless you take care of yourself too. There’s a culinary school in Orlando, Joey can probably get you in pretty quickly. And if you want a job while you’re in school, Joey always needs more help at the truck.”

“Oh, the guy in the food truck?”

Beau sits up slightly to fix me with a hard gaze. “I’m thinking of opening a restaurant on the property. Joey doesn’t know that yet though. If you’re gonna stay here, gonna make a living that way, you could have a place at the farm. If you wanted it.”

“I want!” I yell and sit up on my knees. “I want,” I repeat slowly when Beau looks slightly frightened. “I want it a lot. Please.”

Beau situates himself back in the hammock with a sigh. “I’ll talk to Joey. Go inside and check on Trevor for me, would you?”

Beau promptly tangles his fingers atop his chest, closes his eyes, and seems to fall asleep. Alright. I stand from the ground, dusting the dirt and grass off my legs, then meander toward the house. Trevor’s standing just inside with a mug of tea between his palms. His smile is tremulous and small, but I try to settle him with a grin of my own.

“Do we need to have a talk now, too? You’re the last one I haven’t had a talk with,” I tell Trevor as I take a seat at the dining table.

Trevor quietly joins me, then stares down at the table. “I care about Nolan.”

“I know.”

Trevor takes shaky breaths as he rubs his finger around the rim of the tea. I wait him out, not wanting to rush him, but knowing we’ve been needing to have this conversation for a while.

“He and I… I wish I could’ve seen what you see in him. Not romantically. But I feel like shit that he was hurting so badly and I didn’t see… I was hurting so badly too.” Trevor pauses and squeezes his eyes shut tightly, before lifting his head to stare at me. “He needed you, I’m glad you gave him what he needed to feel safe.”

I reach out to take his hand in mine. “You didn’t do anything wrong with him. You gave him what he asked for, right? I gave him what he needed, he just didn’t know what he needed.”

Trevor hums thoughtfully. “You’re happy?”

I grin. “Very, when he lets me love him. How’s Claire?”

Trevor sighs loudly. “She’s fine.” Trevor flips his hand over to cup my palm in his own. “She’s got no boys to do their jobs anymore. She’s out of business.”

“Eh, she should become a realtor.”

Trevor laughs and leans forward to envelop me in his arms. I bury my face in his blond waves, smiling when I realize he smells different, like outside and engine grease. We’ve all changed more than we’ll ever know thanks to Clay Springs.

“Beau just told me he’ll get me a job at the farm,” I whisper into Trevor’s hair.

Trevor’s laughter echoes through me. “He’s been trying to put my friends to work for a while, so you probably just made his day.”

Because the world continues to work in mysterious ways, Chris calls us and asks us to meet him at a restaurant a few days later to discuss the final deal he’s made with the label. Nolan is restless, radiating nervous energy beside me in the truck. I need to buy us our own car since we’ve decided to settle here. Actually, doesn’t Nolan have one back in Los Angeles?

“Nolan.”

“Benjamin,” Nolan says with a curl of his lip.

“Can we get your car brought here? And what do you want to do about your house in LA?”

Nolan wrinkles his nose up as he thinks. I have to curl my hands tight against the steering wheel to resist the urge to pinch his cheeks. He’d probably punch me in the jaw if I did.

“Yeah, I’ll mention the car to Chris. He kind of handles everything about my life. I haven’t done much for myself in a long time.”

Doesn’t surprise me. “The house?”

“I kind of want to keep it. It was the first thing I bought myself… means something to me.” Nolah sighs loudly and rolls his eyes. “Plus, I assume sometimes we’ll have to go to LA for meetings with the label. Even just to have it out there for us, is nice.”

“Good with me.”

“But a house here is what I want… Harper said Beau’s family has some spare land that butts up to the river that they’ll sell us for cheap. We could wake up every morning with a view of the water. But Harper also said that means maybe gators… I don’t know.”

“Whatever you want, Nolan. We’ll do whatever makes you happy.”

Nolan turns in the seat to face me fully, eyes calculating and hard. “I want what you want too. What do you want?”

I shrug as I pull off the expressway heading toward downtown. “I’m a simple guy. I want you, a bed, a roof over my head, and a fucking golden retriever that you name something stupid like Izzy or Slash.”

“Slash is a shepherd name, how dare you.”

“Izzy?”

He considers it for a moment before nodding. “Could work.”

“So house first? Then dog?”

“Dog first,” Nolan admits quietly, sounding awfully shy. “I think a dog would be good for me.”

“I think so too. I mean, I’m basically a dog and I’m great for you.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You love me.”

Nolan swallows loudly and looks away before quietly murmuring, “God help me, but I do.”

“I think I’m going to go to culinary school,” I say without looking over at Nolan.

It’s silent for a little while before Nolan reaches over to tangle his fingers with mine. “Good, I think that would be great for you. Is Beau going to put you to work at the farm?”

I snort. “Obviously.”

“I’m proud of you, Benji. You tell me what you need, and I’ll do my best to give it to you, okay? This works both ways.”

I stay quiet as I park in the parking garage downtown, only speaking once we’ve stopped.

“I love you.”

Nolan smiles gently. “I know. I love you too.”

“Everything’s going to be alright, no matter what Chris says. Okay?”

Nolan’s eye twitches at the corner, but he nods in agreement. If I say it enough, maybe he’ll believe it.

Nolan keeps his head ducked down as we pass by strangers on the street. I curl my arm around his shoulders, splaying my palm over his racing heart. Every time he leans against me, accepting my strength, it feels like the biggest win in the book.

The restaurant is quiet, with wood accents, and steampunk lights along the ceiling. Chris is already seated in a private booth in the back, and the hostess leads us to him, all while sneaking surreptitious glances at Nolan. This is why I love Clay Springs, because no one there blinks twice at Nolan, not like in the cities.

Chris stands to hug Nolan, and I shake his hand with a grateful smile.

Once we’re all seated, Chris smiles across the table and curls one hand around his ice water that’s dripping with condensation.

“Good news or bad news first?”

“Bad,” Nolan replies instantly.

Chris lifts his other hand to thoughtfully scratch his now full beard. “They won’t commit to no tour forever, but they have for the next three years. No tour. They’ll let you release an album without a tour, limited promo, to see if it’s worth it for them.”

“Alright,” Nolan says, sounding unsure.

“Good news is that they won’t sue you for dropping out of this tour. Insurance covers it and they had a lot on you considering… everything.” Chris doesn’t have to say it, all of us know. He sits forward a little. “But I also got them to agree to let you record here, instead of in LA.”

Nolan’s mouth falls open in surprise. “What?”

Chris raps the table with his knuckles. “Whatever house you build here, better include a studio. You’ll need to hire engineers and we’ll have to get Tyler out here for production, but you’re clear to record the next album here.”

“And what did they think about small venue tours? When I’m ready?” Nolan pauses and looks over at me. “If I’m ever ready.”

“We’ll consider it at that time.”

“When’s the next album due? I mean, I’ve already got one out there that’s just maybe six months old.”

Chris stares at Nolan for a heavy moment before leaning forward. “Kid. This is on your timeline. Do you understand what I’m telling you? You’re free. Make music when you want. They’re being stupid about the three-year timeline and nothing will come of it. Plain and simple, make music, and you never have to tour again if you don’t want to. Get it now?”

Nolan falls back against the booth, hand pressed to his chest. I rest my hand against his thigh, squeezing just hard enough for him to know I’m here. That I’ve got his back. His eyes dip to the table for a moment before lifting back to Chris.

“I’ve never been free.”

Chris smiles slowly as he reaches across the table to take Nolan’s hand. “You are now.”

Nolan is somehow even more quiet as we drive back home. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling, to finally be able to do whatever he wants with his life. Not answering to anyone. Not being forced out on a stage for a horse and pony show. All he has to do is wake up, kiss me good morning, then decide what he wants to do for the day. What a life.

An odd sort of tension radiates from Nolan as he climbs the stairs into the apartment. The feeling follows us into the apartment, and eats away at me as I follow him into the bedroom. I stand at the edge of the bedroom, watching him turn in a dizzy circle, before coming to a stop to let his eyes land on me. His hands shake as he lifts them to run through his hair. Fuck.

Nolan lifts his chin to meet my eyes. “I need you to be rough with me tonight.”

“Okay,” I reply instantly, not wanting him to think for even a second that I’ll say no.

“I know you like a softer dynamic… That we don’t do it that way anymore. But I think sometimes I’ll need it. It helps me… helps my brain. And I talked about it with Maggie and she said as long as we talked it through, that we both consent, that it’s okay. Because we’re adults, in a healthy relationship.”

I blink slowly because those were a lot of words. “Nolan, you know I’ll give you anything you need. It’s always been that way.” I step toward him, and loop my hands around his neck to squeeze. His pulse pounds against my skin, and desire shoots through me. He’ll always be everything I want. “Sometimes I’ll want to give it to you soft, slow, make you beg for it. Make you feel cherished and loved because you are.” I lean forward to breathe the next words into his ear. “But sometimes I’ll make it hurt for you because I think sometimes we’ll both need that too. Huh, angel?”

“Benji,” Nolan whimpers.

“It’s okay. If we both want it, it’s okay.”

I try my best to hide my nervousness, to be steady for both of us at this moment. Lifting his hoodie off, then his shirt, I shove him back onto the bed. When I tug my own shirt off, I find his gaze locked on me, heavy and hard like a smack to my face. His stare always carries the weight of a touch. I slowly unbuckle my jeans, watching as his throat bobs the more of me that I reveal. When my cock bobs free after shoving down my jeans and boxers, his gaze lifts back to mine.

“Make me feel it,” Nolan demands, voice low and rough.

“Don’t I always?”

Nolan nods rapidly as I roughly tug him out of his jeans, making him slide down to the edge of the bed. I lift his legs to my shoulders, running my fingers across the warm skin of his tattooed thighs. Turning my head, I kiss the inside of his knee, then bite down hard until he writhes and moans against me. Yeah, soft is nice, but I fucking love him like this for me. I let my other hand fall to his ass, cupping his cheek for a moment before landing a hard smack.

Nolan basically goes supernova. Head tilted back against the bed, eyes squeezed tightly shut, he’s everything beautiful and perfect in this world. At least to me. When I dip my thumb between his crease, my heart pounds, and my jaw clenches to find him already prepped.

“Nolan,” I say roughly. “Did you plan this?”

Nolan shakes his head furiously. “I thought maybe I’d need you to fuck me in the bathroom. If the news was bad. I wanted…” He swallows loudly when I dip my thumb inside him. “Wanted to be ready for you to fuck me against the bathroom door. Make me scream and cry.”

Jesus Christ. I drop his legs from my shoulders and roughly flip him over. The lube is where it always is these days, under one of our pillows. Nolan pants into the sheets as I lube myself up, barely resisting from just jacking myself until I come all over his back because fuck that Grim Reaper. Nolan is mine. I climb onto the bed behind him and tug him up until he’s kneeling too, this way I can wrap my hand around his throat as I fuck him from behind.

He gasps when I notch against his entrance and just push right in, past the resistance, past everything, until I’m almost all the way inside him. Our thighs brush and desire dances right down my spine at the closeness of our bodies. Will he never not make me feel this way? Not make me need so badly I could go mad? Even when I’m fucking him like this, it feels like making love, because no matter how hard I fuck him, it’s what we both want, what we need. Every version of fucking with Nolan means more than I can ever say.

Nolan lifts his hand to grip my waist, tugging me closer as his nails dig into my skin. I squeeze his throat and grin against the salty skin of his shoulder as he moans when I thrust all the way in.

“Nolan Hastings, rockstar, known around the world by millions, but he’s only ever on his knees for me, only known by me.” I turn his head so that I can look into his starry-eyed gaze. “I fucking own you, Nolan. You’re mine and no one else's. You belong to me, forever. Right?”

Nolan’s grin is terrifying. My toes curl as he leans his forehead against my cheek. “Shut the fuck up and fuck me, Benji. You’ve owned me for a year now.”

Isn’t that a kick in the head? I take his mouth in a kiss that steals both of our breaths as I pummel into him. He gasps against my mouth, fingers digging into my side, begging for more, wanting all of me. And I’ll give him everything just like I’ve been giving him everything for months, for almost a goddamn year. I curl my arm around his chest to lay my palm over his heart, letting the hard beat of it course right through me as if we were one person.

My orgasm sneaks up on me, starting at the base of my spine, and coursing all the way down to the tips of my toes. I have just enough presence of mind to sneak my hand down to Nolan’s cock. Just as my release rockets through me, painting his insides as mine , Nolan comes with a shout, warm all over my hand. We collapse on the bed together in a sweaty heap of tangled limbs.

Nolan pats my cheek fondly, eyes closed with the force of his orgasm. “You’ve still got it, stud.”

Because traditions can’t be broken, I carefully help him out of the bed and guide him into the bathroom. As I ready the bath with the lavender bath salts I know he’s come to love, I look over my shoulder to find him staring at himself in the mirror. My heart pounds in my chest as he reaches out to touch his reflection. A small smile tugs at his lip for just a moment before he turns to look at me.

“That’s me. The real Nolan.”

“Yeah, angel. That’s you.”

Nolan hums softly, then walks over to join me in the tub. I pull him between my legs, letting his back come to rest against my chest. Burying my face in his neck, I breathe him in, settled in the knowledge that he’s mine forever, and that we belong to one another.