Page 10 of The Long Refrain (Sweet Southern #4)

10

NOLAN

DECEMBER 2027

E verything is blurry. The people in the crowd, my thoughts, the tenuous string that connects me to my body, all of it is blurry. The only thing I see in startling clarity is Benji. It feels like there are blinders on my eyes. I can only see pinpricks of light, everything else is so fucking dark. Benji’s the sunshine, the light at the end of the dark, damp tunnel, he’s the promise of land on the endless horizon.

So I have to push him away.

He’s getting too close.

He’s going to figure me out.

Five days in France is a nice break, but at the same time it unsettles me to the core. I need to keep moving. As long as I’m moving, my brain doesn’t have a chance to think the thoughts that send a chill down my spine. The kind of thoughts that say it would be so easy to end all of this, not just the tour, but everything . Down some pills. Step in front of a bus. Jump off a ledge.

The thoughts scare me because even though I want to die, I don’t know how. Before Benji it was easy. Every tour makes me want to die. Every night on stage makes death the easiest option to escape. But when I fall asleep at night, he’s there now. What am I going to do in May at the end of the tour? He’ll leave me like everyone else. Everyone always leaves, including me.

“So the cover back in Milan was a hit,” Chris announces as he strides into the hotel suite.

“It’s been all over my social media feed,” Benji agrees. His fingers run through my hair repeatedly, nails softly scratching at my scalp.

I keep my eyes closed and tilt my head harder against his thigh, silently asking for more scratches. Benji chuckles softly and acquiesces, because he’s the best boy. Always doing what I ask even when I ask without words.

“I’m not doing it again,” I say firmly.

Chris sighs so loudly it sounds like he’s hurt himself. “I told the label as much already. But, Nolan, you really should consider it.”

“No,” I mumble sleepily. “It was for Benji.”

Benji’s fingers stutter in my hair for a moment before restarting. Everyone is quiet for a few long moments and sleep starts to claim me until the sound of Chris shuffling closer prompts me to open my eyes. His shadow looms over us on the blue velvet couch and his eyes radiate concern. Gross.

“Nolan, you’re okay, right?”

I wave him off. “I’m fine. I’m always fine. Sober as can be.”

Chris squeezes his eyes shut tight and pinches his nose. “I’m not worried about your sobriety. I’m worried about you . You’d tell me…” He trails off, his gaze quickly flicking to Benji before bouncing back to me. “You’d tell me if you needed anything, right?”

I snort. “Definitely not.”

“The label isn’t my client. You are. Remember that?”

With a large amount of regret, I sit up to stare blankly back at Chris. “Is this some come-to-Jesus moment or something? What the fuck is going on?”

Chris holds his hands up like I’m a velociraptor on the prowl. “No, I just wanted you to hear the words.” He pulls out his phone and scrolls through something. “So, we’ve got these five days in France, three days in Sweden, a small break for Christmas, after we fly to South America for New Year’s and start the second leg of the tour.”

“I don’t need a break for Christmas,” I tell him pointedly.

Chris rolls his eyes. “Yes, but your crew does, and so do I. I need to go home and see my wife and grown children.”

I always forget he’s married with kids. Mostly because half the time it feels like he’s some weird type of father figure to me. Although, I’ll never admit that out loud. Ever.

“Fine.”

“Thank you,” Chris says sarcastically.

He shares one final look with Benji before disappearing back out of the hotel room. The sun is setting beyond the building, an orange glow casting over the hotel room. I’m exhausted from traveling to France. I just want to curl up on the couch and let Benji pretend I’m something worth his time. But our time is also coming to a close and there’s something very particular I want on our rare night free from practice, from the stage, from Nolan Hastings. Tonight, I’ll just be Nolan.

“I want to say no tonight,” I say bluntly.

Benji’s startled blue eyes flick to me. “Seriously?”

I crawl across the velvet couch to straddle his lap. His palms settle on my hips, a familiar, reassuring weight. “I’ll say no and you’ll fuck me anyway. Be rough with me.”

Benji’s eyebrows furrow in deep thought. His thumbs sweep over my hip bones in this maddening swiping motion that already has me half out of my mind.

“One day you’ll let me be soft with you,” Benji says quietly, like a secret.

My heart cracks in half. “No, that’s a dream, stud.”

Benji looks away from me, throat bobbing on a hard swallow. “It’s a good dream.”

I curl my fingers over his jaw, turning his head so that he has to look at me once more. Our eyes meet and it feels like a flash of lightning. Want and need and another word that I can’t put a name to flash through me all at once. I dip down to kiss him, gliding my lips softly over his always sweet mouth.

Benji pulls away from me to roughly grasp my jaw. “Tell me exactly how you want it to go. I need a plan.”

“I’ll be in the bedroom, undressing by the bed, and you’ll rush into the room riled up and angry. You’ll shove me onto the bed, push my face into the pillows, and fuck me face down on the bed, ignoring every single one of my cries and stops and noes. That’s what I want. That’s my dream.”

“And your safe word?” Benji asks, voice carefully neutral.

I grin with all my teeth. “Azure.”

Benji’s cock is hard underneath me when I shift over him. Perpetual sunshine has a kinky side, that much I know. After a few quiet moments, Benji shoves me off his lap. He runs a shaky hand over his face, then nods toward the bedroom.

“Go on. You’ve got fifteen minutes to get ready.” His eyes narrow slightly. “And I’m fucking you without a condom so I can see my cum drip from your ass afterward.”

“You’re learning,” I comment, hoping to sound like an asshole but knowing I sound more besotted than anything. I hate myself for it.

Benji gestures toward the bedroom. “Go.”

For once in my life, I listen. The walk from the living room to the bedroom is twenty-three steps. Each step feels like it takes hours. Asking an escort to do this with me was never in the cards. Something about doing this with Benji is so vulnerable, like I’m showing him my hand of cards that I keep so tight to my chest.

My hands tremble as I get myself ready for Benji in the bathroom. I won’t meet my gaze in the mirror, I can’t, not now. I wonder what Benji sees when he looks at me. Does he see someone whole? Does he see someone perilously close to the edge? Or maybe he just sees me for what I am; a broken and lost man.

Time slows to a crawl. I’m just about to go back out to the living room, demanding something stupid from Benji, when he barrels into the bedroom. I have a split second to gather that he’s shirtless, ratty jeans unbuttoned but hanging on to his hips. My teeth gnash with the force of his shove as I fall onto the bed. His fingers dig into my shoulders as he shoves me down.

“Stop!” I yell, feeling some weird joy at this role play.

“No,” Benji growls into my ear. His skin is molten lava against my own. A shiver rolls through me when his hand rips at my shorts, tugging them down until the cool air of the hotel room slaps the bare skin of my ass.

I try to elbow him, get him to stop, but he just presses me down onto the bed harder. His hand comes around to roughly grab my throat. He squeezes so hard that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to swallow again.

My head spins when he wraps his other arm around my middle, tugging me up until I’m on my knees. I fight him, trying to get leverage to kick him off of me, but he’s got enough weight on me that it’s impossible to move him. He’s a rock, immovable. His hand squeezes my throat again just as his cock notches against my hole. Benji doesn’t even wait, he just pushes in, ignoring the resistance as my body fights me to relax. It hurts, but exactly the kind of pain I want.

“No, please,” I whimper, but I’m not asking him to stop fucking me. I’m asking him to stop invading all my senses, stop making things seem easy when really they’re fucking hard. Everything is so fucking hard. Everything is so exhausting. My body feels like it weighs ten thousand pounds as he pushes me harder into the bed.

Benji is abnormally quiet as he fucks me, even when he bites hard at the sliver of skin between my neck and shoulder blade, his favorite place to bite. By the time he leaves, there’ll be permanent imprints of his teeth on me. Not as permanent as the tattoo of him on my heart. I’m ruined. I know that now.

His cock throbs inside me with each torturous thrust. My hips ache from the angle and my mouth is dry, tongue thick in my mouth.

“No,” I say one more time, tears gathering in my eyes.

Benji slows his pace, his arm coming around to tug me up until we're both kneeling on the bed. His hot palm comes up to cup the side of my face, turning my head until he can stare unflinchingly into my eyes. He’s the bravest man on earth.

“Can I do it my way now?” Benji asks quietly, tears in his eyes.

I nod slowly, unable to form words.

I’m lightning and Benji is the thunder, the protective boom that follows my bright flash of light. If only I could hold on to him, maybe the storm wouldn’t be so terrifying when I get lost to the darkness. But it’s not fair to Benji to use his thunder. Not fair at all.

Benji takes my mouth in a gentle kiss as he switches from aggressor, from brutal taker, to life giver. He tastes so familiar, so startlingly real when everything else around me is unrepentantly fake. He lets go of my face to squeeze his fingers around my wrist, pressing his thumb where my pulse pounds. Benji presses my hand to my abdomen and I gasp at the feel of him moving inside me.

“That’s me, inside you, feel it?”

“Benji.”

“Do you feel it?” Benji repeats, each word enunciated with a hard thrust.

“Yes,” I admit. But the word is double-edged. I feel his cock in me, moving deep inside me, owning me in ways no one else ever has, but I also feel him in my chest when my ribs move with each breath. I feel him inside me in every single way that matters.

“Nolan,” Benji whispers against my neck just as he rolls his hips.

“I feel you everywhere,” I mumble as he takes me apart.

His lips glide over my neck, like butterflies on my skin. Benji sighs in relief and then tips us over to lie on our sides. Grabbing my thigh, he tugs my leg up so that he can get a deeper angle. I gasp and grab his forearm when he slides so deep I can feel him in my throat.

“Jesus, Benji, I…”

“Just feel it, angel.”

And then he takes me apart and puts me back together. Every time he pulls out, he drags his cock along my stretched rim, only to slowly slide back in so deep that stars explode in my vision. All I feel is Benji. All I hear is the sound of his breaths against the shell of my ear. He tangles our fingers together and brings them to my chest, just over my heart.

He fucks me for what feels like hours. I’m delirious and begging for something that I can’t put words into. Only please and now and need you fall from my lips. But Benji doesn’t go anywhere, doesn’t leave me alone in my want. He meets me right in the middle, beat for fucking beat.

“I’ve never fucked someone raw before,” Benji whispers, cheek pressed against my own. “It feels like you were plucked from heaven and brought down here for me. A perfect fit. When I come inside you, a part of me will stay there forever. I’m giving a piece of myself to you.”

I want to bite him, I want to slap him, I want to fight against the overwhelming tide of emotions, but instead I pull his arm tighter around me and squeeze my eyes shut to blot out everything else but him . Only him. Only ever Benji. My thunder.

He licks his other palm and takes my cock in a tight grip. I hadn’t even realized I was hard, my orgasm a distant thing in the back of my terrified brain. He curls his hand around the base, squeezes tight, then slowly brings his palm up to cup the head of my cock. Every thrust inside perfectly hits my prostate, so much so that my toes tingle, and the air gets caught in my rib cage.

“I need you to come first so I can watch you fall apart on my cock. Can you do that, angel? Can you come for me?”

The words trigger some hidden part of me that I’ve never known. My orgasm flows through me like the waves of a violent black ocean. Distantly, I’m aware that Benji orgasms too, his release hot, and so very real inside of me. For this solitary moment in time, I’m alive. Benji pulls out and I feel so fucking alone without him inside me. But because Benji can read me line by fucking line, he rolls me over and slips two fingers inside me.

His eyes are freshwater blue as he stares down at me. “Did I give you what you need?”

I lift my hand and curl it around his jaw, dancing my fingers behind his ear. I’m ruining him. His eyes are so troubled. The sunshine is bleeding out from him and it’s because of me. I’m not good for him. I’m not good for anyone. I’ll take and take and take from them until they have nothing left to give. I’m not better than anyone in the crowd. Time is slowing, the end getting closer to us.

“You gave me what we both needed, hmm?”

Benji sighs and leans his forehead against my stomach. He lies there for so long, fingers still inside me, that I worry I’ve fucked up somehow. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did. With a shaky inhale, Benji crawls up my body to kiss me soft and slow, the kind of kiss you have while slow dancing under the stars. A kiss that says you’re mine and wait for me and don’t go . But I can’t say it back. Not yet. If ever.