Page 12 of The Long Refrain (Sweet Southern #4)

12

NOLAN

JANUARY 2028

I slept for the entire flight. Sleep has always been hard for me, something that doesn’t come easy. But when I’m with Benji, it comes as easy as breathing. I blink the sleep from my eyes as we land with a gentle thump. Benji just presses a sweet kiss to my forehead and murmurs, “Shh, it’s alright.”

If I asked Benji, I think he’d happily carry me off the plane. But I won’t. Despite how heavy my entire body feels, how exhausting it is to take a single step. Benji gathers our two suitcases that now contain my entire world. The air is cold and the sky is gray when we disembark the plane. When Benji said Florida, I expected palm trees and sunny skies, not whatever this place has going on.

“Jackson!” Benji calls, relief coloring his voice.

Jackson’s lip twitches at one corner as his gaze pings between us. I watch, detached from my body, as Benji and Jackson embrace. They murmur something that’s too soft for my ears to pick up. But Benji pulls away with a sound in the back of his throat and backs up to tangle his fingers with mine.

“Trevor didn’t say you’d be picking us up,” Benji comments.

Jackson swings the driver's side door open. “Trevor didn’t decide. Get in.”

Benji grimaces slightly, but helps me get into the spacious G-Wagon. I slap his hand away with a hiss when he tries to buckle me in. There’s sweetness and then there’s too fucking far. Benji lets out a frustrated shaky breath, then busses a kiss to the apple of my cheek. I allow the display of affection despite wanting to kick him away. Maybe he feels the need to piss on me in front of Jackson considering we’d fucked once.

The car is full of tense silence as we make our way out of the airport.

“This is awkward,” I comment dryly.

Benji pinches his nose in clear annoyance. “Nolan.”

Jackson flicks a hard look at me in the rearview mirror. “You’re not here to start trouble.”

“We’re here because I tried to kill myself and Benjamin thinks I’m his soulmate.”

Benji’s cheeks turn a bright, vivid red at my words. His gaze stays on the road ahead, but I’m pretty sure later I’ll get a talking-to about it. I lean forward and tap Benji on the shoulder, holding my hand out when he shifts to look back at me. He sighs and leans down to rustle through the backpack he’s been sporting for months. A second later, my headphones are shoved into my hand. I slip them over my ears and pull up a familiar playlist, something full of sad, weepy, rock ballads that makes me feel a little more alive than I do when sitting in the silence.

I lean my head against the window and happily zone out. The murmur of Jackson’s and Benji’s voices filter in and out, but I can’t understand them. I figured Benji needed to talk to his friend without my prying ears. The drive takes a seemingly endless age. My leg shakes, jostling the back of Benji’s seat. He reaches back with one hand to curl his palm around the back of my calf until the shaking ceases. His thumb sweeps up and down my leg until my brain does that thing it often does because of Benji, everything just goes static, still, hush-quiet.

When I finally blink my eyes back open, the car is slowing as we approach picturesque farmland. Despite it being January, everything is still green and lush. The land is so alive my breath catches in my chest. Life.

Jackson rolls the car to a careful stop in front of a large farmhouse that would make anyone from a fixer-upper show salivate. The house even has those lovely storybook windows and a wraparound porch with rocking chairs. Jesus. Benji really did bring me to the farm.

A large blond man steps out of the house, hands tucked into his jeans. Benji hops out of the car just as a curly-haired man rushes down the steps. That must be Eli, the only fake boyfriend I’ve never met. Up on the stairs beside Colby is a ravishing redhead that’s staring at the car with lethal daggers in his eyes. And finally there’s Trevor standing beside an absolute unit of a man. If any of these guys are possessive, I’m in for a world of hurt.

Benji swings the car door open with a grin that doesn’t meet his eyes. That won’t do at all. I reach out with my hand, using my thumb to push the side of his mouth up in the mimicry of a smile.

“Like this,” I say softly.

Benji turns his head into my palm, placing a sweet, loving kiss to my skin. His eyes dart up to mine and his mouth turns up at the corners, this time his smile is sweet and true.

“Alright, Nolan.”

I take a deep breath as I look at the men standing up ahead. “They can’t be mean to me. Right?”

Benji reaches up to cover my hand with his own. “They won’t be mean. They know… they know we’re here to get you some help. Okay?”

“Okay,” I whisper softly as I jump out of the car.

Benji wraps a protective arm around my shoulders and guides me toward the large farmhouse. The redhead is still staring daggers at me, but his eyes soften when Jackson rounds us to hurry up the steps. Jackson dips down to kiss the man on the cheek just as the redhead bodily pushes him away. Cute dynamic. Reminds me of someone.

“We’ve set up the mother-in-law suite for you both. You can stay as long as you need,” Eli says, sounding slightly breathless. He worriedly glances from Benji to me. “You know, we all love Benji very much. He’s one of us.”

“Clearly,” I drawl.

Benji’s hand squeezes my shoulder. “He doesn’t need a shovel talk, Eli. Did you do that research I asked about?”

Eli’s face warms. “Yes, Colby emailed you some resources. But first, well, Beau’s mom, Cindy, made this huge batch of chicken and dumplings for us. She dropped it off a bit ago, so it’s still warm. Are you hungry?”

“Not usually,” I bite out.

Benji squeezes my shoulder hard. “Thank you, Eli. A home-cooked meal sounds great. Also, Harper looks like he’s going to commit some type of petty crime. It’s terrifying.”

“Oh.” Eli laughs awkwardly and glances behind him toward the redhead. “Don’t mind Harper. It’s been a long day.”

Eli promptly turns around and skips toward the farmhouse, right into the waiting arms of the tall blond man. My nose wrinkles in distaste as Benji guides us forward, there’s so much love radiating around here that it’s borderline gross. I fight the urge to gag. I lean harder against Benji’s side, knowing he’ll easily take my weight.

I step onto the weathered stairs and wave. “Hello.” I point at Trevor and Jackson. “I know you both, for obvious reasons.”

The redhead blinks slowly. “No, please share, what are the obvious reasons?”

Ah, a possessive boyfriend. “Sorry, I fucked your boyfriend.”

Everyone stills. Jackson covers his mouth with his hand, but not before I see the smirk tilt his lips up.

The redhead's gaze sharpens. “Surely, he’s forgotten all about you by now. What with me being the best he’s ever had?”

“You’re very beautiful, so I get it.”

“I—” The man blinks rapidly and stares at me. “What?”

“Do you top?”

Jackson steps forward with a lethal glare. “Hey.”

The redhead slowly smiles before holding out his hand. “I’m Harper.”

I give his hand a firm shake. “Nolan.”

And then Harper drags me into the house with his small hand wrapped tightly around mine. “They’re all acting like the next world war is coming. Cindy’s chicken and dumplings are to die for, though. Whenever I have a seizure, they make everything so much less shitty.”

“Sorry about the seizures,” I mumble as he drags me along.

“Sorry about the depression,” Harper shoots back.

Oh, he’s my new best friend.

The house is warm and light with the hearty smell of something that makes my stomach growl in hunger. God, it’s been forever since I’ve been hungry. Harper leads me to a beautiful chef's kitchen that overlooks the sprawling fields behind the house. Harper bodily shoves me into a seat and takes the chair beside me. Resting his chin on his upturned palm, he blinks forest-green eyes at me.

Two dogs come skidding into the kitchen. The Irish setter yips at the golden retriever who just slowly makes her way over to Harper to sit beside him. Harper grins and aims his fond gaze down at the dog.

“This is Honey,” Harper says with a bright smile. “She’s my bullshit meter. If she sneezes, it means you’re full of shit. Want to play?”

“Sure.”

“You don’t actually sing your songs. It’s some Milli Vanilli situation.”

I narrow my eyes. “That’s unequivocally false. I can prove it.”

Harper makes a disbelieving sound in the back of his throat. “Sure, buddy. After dinner you can sing us a tune but only after I check your pockets.”

I leer at him just as Benji wanders into the room. “If you want to fuck, you only have to say.”

“Jackson wouldn’t like that very much,” Harper retorts.

Benji steps behind us and dips between us. “Nolan, be good.”

“I’m always good,” I reply haughtily.

Benji’s smile quirks up just a little, that smile that I love so much. When the corners of his eyes wrinkle from a smile, it means I’m being particularly amusing but simultaneously difficult. My favorite smile. The rest of the group wander in with laughter following them in their wake. Colby and Beau head for the kitchen and the clatter of cutlery echoes around us as they prepare our dinner.

Benji kisses my cheek, then takes the seat at the other side of me. His hand wraps around the nape of my neck and squeezes, making everything just a little less anxiety-inducing from his touch alone. Fairy lights twinkle from the back porch as the sun dips lower, just barely hanging on above the horizon.

Beau quietly returns to the table, his big arms laden with plates. I watch as he first lovingly places a plate in front of Trevor, a blush rising on his cheeks when Trevor smirks up at him. Barf city. Kindly placing a plate in front of me, Beau places the next plate down in front of Harper, then ruffles Harper’s beautiful red hair with a teasing smile. The man only chuckles when Harper scowls up at him.

Everyone’s quiet as they dig in, but I push it around with my spoon for a few moments, instead focusing on watching everyone around the table. Once it appears no one is going to stare at me as they eat, I carefully lean forward and take a small bite. Jesus. The heavenly mixture is warm and thick, and the vegetables and chicken are melt-in-my-mouth soft.

All I can focus on is Benji’s hand still a firm weight on my neck and the warmth that pools in my belly with each heaping spoonful. By the time I clear my plate, everyone is staring at me.

“Do you want some more?” Trevor asks quietly, gaze as shrewd as ever.

Feeling outside of my body, I just nod. Trevor leans across the table to grab my plate with a smile, and he squeezes Beau’s shoulder before heading to the kitchen to get me more.

Colby leans back in his chair, crossing his broad arms over his chest. “We’ve set up the guest suite over the garage for you but there are some conditions.”

Benji squeezes my neck hard. “Conditions?”

Trevor sets another heaping plate down in front of me and I heartily dig in as Benji talks shop with Colby.

“I have a friend that’s a psychologist in Orlando, Nolan will go to see her weekly. We’ll have dinner together every evening. You'll keep and clean the suite.” Colby swallows roughly and his gaze pings toward where I’m seated with my head bowed eating. “This is a soft place to land and nobody in this town will tell reporters, if we ask them. But I can’t guarantee they won’t bother you.”

I shrug. “I’m used to it.”

Benji’s hand squeezes my neck again before his fingers tangle in my hair. “How soon can the psychologist see him?”

“Tomorrow,” Colby says with an air of finality. “If Nolan wants.”

“I have to do something if I don’t want to kill myself,” I mumble as I push my plate away.

“Do you want to die?” Trevor asks, voice devoid of all emotion.

I look over at him, hardly able to recognize him since I last saw him over a year ago. There’s a healthy glow about him, a slight flush to his cheeks, and he’s put on a bit of weight, too. This place has been good to him, and I weirdly wonder if it could be good for me too. If I let it. Suppose I don’t let the monsters inside my head win.

“I just want to feel like I belong to myself.”

Harper pushes his arm against mine. “I get you. Do you want dessert while they all plan your life out for you? Jackson got cupcakes.” Harper stands from the table with a flourish and points at Jackson. “Stay.”

Jackson stays, but grins brightly at Harper’s back as he walks toward the kitchen. I tug out of Benji’s firm grip and push away from the table, heading in Harper’s direction. The man is already leaning over a box full of cupcakes, eyes seemingly set on the sole chocolate one.

“Score.” He carefully unwraps it and takes a bite, eyes rolling into his head. “So good. Sorry, the chocolate one is always mine.” His gaze flicks over my face for a few moments, before he smirks. “You seem like a red velvet guy anyway.”

Okay, fuck him, I do like red velvet. But now I don’t want to admit it.

“Definitely more of a carrot cake guy,” I say.

Harper rolls his eyes while handing me a red velvet cupcake. “Liar.”

“So you and Jackson…”

Harper blushes slightly as he fiddles with his cupcake wrapper, intently focusing on the remaining treat in his hand. He clears his throat slightly. “Yes, for a couple of months now. He says he loves me.”

The wording catches my attention. I finish off my own cupcake, licking at my fingers while jumping up to sit on the island. I glance behind me to see Benji intently watching me and I smirk at him before letting my gaze fall back on Harper.

“He seems absolutely besotted,” I point out.

The flush on Harper’s cheeks pinkens. “Yes, well. He looks at me the way Benji looks at you, I guess.”

Oh, good play. I’m definitely not ready to talk about… that.

“What do you do for a living?”

Harper’s nose wrinkles. “I’m a data analyst for a marketing firm, like figuring out trends and stuff for their campaigns. It works out well… ’cause I get to work from home.”

“The dream,” I say honestly. God, I wish I could just stay home and not see people for weeks. I think that would cure me.

Harper glances up at me from under his eyelashes. “You don’t like being a rockstar?”

“I fucking hate it.”

“Then why do you do it?”

And isn’t that the million-dollar question. “I don’t know anymore.”

Jackson ambles into the kitchen with eyes only for Harper. If Benji looks at me like that, then I’m fucked, because the love radiating from Jackson could power the earth for millennia.

“Time to go home,” Jackson says softly.

“You’re not the boss of me,” Harper quips. The two have a small staredown, before Harper flushes and looks my way. “I’ll see you later. Next time you have to sing so I can prove it’s actually you that does it on stage.”

Harper and Jackson disappear out the door, but not before Jackson wraps an arm around Harper’s shoulder, and the other man cuddles into his side. They’re cute.

“Ready for some sleep?” Benji asks as he steps between my thighs.

“I slept the entire way here.”

Benji cups my face in his palms, thumbs swiping gently under my eyes. “We can sleep some more. Let’s go see our new suite for the next few… well, however many weeks or months.”

I helplessly lean against his hold until I can press my forehead to his. “I’m scared. They’re all going to think I’m weak.”

Benji shakes his head. “I think living with your pain shows the opposite. You’re being brave by getting help, by staying with me.”

I nod gently and turn my head to press a kiss to his palm. Benji lets go of my face to wrap his arms around my middle, giving me a firm, tight hug that releases all those icky feelings from my body.

“Come on,” Benji whispers against my ear.

He helps me down from the island, hands hot on my slim hips. Hooking one thumb into my belt loop, he guides me back toward the front door. Trevor and Beau are outside chatting with Colby and Eli as the sun finally dips below the horizon. The land dotted with trees in front of us glows with the dying light and I take a deep breath of the chilled fresh air that smells sweet, like citrus and jasmine blooms.

Benji tugs me toward the three-car garage, the mother-in-law suite waiting for us above it. Thank God. I didn’t feel like talking anymore.

The suite is quaint and charming. My heart clenches in my chest with how much it reminds me of my grandmother. A small balcony in the back faces the forest to the other side of Colby’s property.

I stand rooted at the back door as Benji pokes around the various rooms. Satisfied with whatever he found, he comes to stand behind me, wrapping his arm around my neck and tugging me against his body.

“Can I be good to you tonight?” Benji whispers, voice small and tired.

I turn around in his arms to face him, our noses barely touching. “Why?”

“I…” He trails off as he raises his hand to cup my face, fingers curling behind my ear. His eyes close tight on a hushed sigh. “I keep thinking about you on that balcony…”

And I feel like shit all over again as tears gather in Benji’s eyes. My pulse pounds, and a sinking feeling fills the pit of my stomach. I’ve hurt him so much. I’ve scared him, proving that my assholery knows no bounds. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him with every ounce of longing in my bones. He lays me down on the bed and slowly, ever so slowly, takes me apart and puts me back together, and I let him because I feel the most alive under Benji’s tender caretaking.

The ghosts don’t seem nearly as scary when he holds me as I fall asleep.

The sun is unfairly bright in the sky as Benji drives us downtown. My heart feels like it could beat out of my chest. Fear of the unknown has always been difficult for me. I like predictability, I like order, I like knowing I’m in control. Trying to fix whatever is wrong with my brain is so far out of my control that it feels like my world is spinning too fast and like I might get thrown off despite Benji’s harried attempts to keep me chained to the ground.

Sweat dots the back of my neck when Benji parks the borrowed truck in front of a large brick medical building. I lean forward to stare up at the fourth floor, where I know a shrink is waiting for me.

“It’ll be fine,” Benji reassures me.

I cut a look over at him. “I just tried to kill myself. They might not agree.”

Benji sighs softly and hops out of the car, completely ignoring my comment. He opens my door with that sweet, tender smile that has stopped infuriating me, and started making my heart do this annoying little leap in my chest instead. Fuck me. Benji tugs me out of the car by my hands, then cups my cheeks in his palms, his thumbs sweeping over the bags under my eyes.

“I’ll wait right here for you.”

I swallow thickly and nod against his grip. “I wish you could go with me,” I admit softly.

Benji’s eyes turn warm and gooey. “Ah, but you need to keep some secrets from me, right? I can’t know everything.”

I tiredly lean my forehead against his. He smells like he always does, like Benji, like us, like every sweet thing in the world mixed together. The comforting scent radiates through me until all my muscles relax. I wish I could carry that fragrance with me everywhere I go.

As if reading my mind, Benji pulls away and rips his shirt off, then carefully lifts off mine. With a tender, saccharine smile, he pulls his raggedy old T-shirt over my head.

“Now it’s like I’m with you, right?”

Holy fuck, I think I love him. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. Instead I look back over at the building, trying to hype myself up to go in. Best to go and not look back. I push away from Benji and the truck, and make my way toward the front of the building. The farther I get, the more my heart pounds, and I know it’s wrong.

I turn back to see Benji leaning against the truck, my shirt clutched in his fingers since it’s too small for him. He smiles, big and bright, and I can’t help myself. I run back to him, closing the distance between us so quickly that I’m out of breath by the time I reach him.

He wordlessly tugs me close and kisses me, because words will never be enough between us. We speak in fleeting, tender touches and hard kisses and fingers dancing down curved spines as we make love. I pull away from him, gasping, my fingers tangled in his hair. Pressing my cheek to his, I breathe him in one more time, then turn around and walk head-on to face my future.